YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED AND IT'S SEEMS NOT TO BE HAPPENING: HOW TO MAKE IT HAPPEN (PART B)

By Pastor Kunle Osunkunle


INTRODUCTION

That you have not gotten married as much as you desire it is not because God is punishing you for your past – what you have done or what you haven’t done. Jesus Christ has paid for your past failures and mistakes; so, God doesn’t remember them any longer as long as you are in Christ Jesus.
Here are certain things you need to do in order to make your marriage happen:

         1.     Step into the supernatural.  God wants to re-brand your life; so, don’t live in regret. The wife or husband you get in the supernatural is the best you can ever have and things will fall in place for you.
         2.     Discover your true identity in Christ Jesus. Don’t fall into the “God says” syndrome and don’t let anyone deceive you by making you feel less spiritual.

BATTLE OF THE SEXES: 7 DIFFERENCES BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN (Part 3)

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

Genesis 1:26- ; 2:15-25

When God created the man and the woman, He made them as such that they are equal before Him; no one is superior to the other. No one is inferior to the other.

We noticed here that, when God created the man, He gave him a work to do. He did not leave him idle in the Garden. He told him to watch and tend the Garden. Therefore, as a man, there is a purpose for your life.

While man was in the Garden working, God found out that for him to fulfill the work He gave him, it is not good for him to be alone. He needs a helper that meets his need. So, a woman is made to be a helper for a man. God has programmed in her for her to help.

By implication, whoever fights his wife fights his helper. God brings a woman into a man’s life as a helper. The reason a man and a woman fights is because they are different, but their design is divine. The ways a man and a woman are wired are divine. But until we start to appreciate these differences, we will not work in unity to fulfill God’s purpose in our design.  Both need to walk and work in unity of purpose.

DIFFERENCE 4: WOMEN ARE INTUITIVE WHILE MEN ARE ANALYTICAL

Usually, a man wants the fact and looks, observe and sees the facts. He premises his decisions on facts. He wants to add up things as a way of critically analyzing issues. But a woman sometimes is not like that. Women a highly sensitive to feelings. It is important to be led by the Holy Spirit. Two spiritual spouses will always

BATTLE OF THE SEXES: 7 DIFFERENCES BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN (Part 2)

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

The first thing you will find out when you get married is that “love is patient.” God designed a woman different from man with a reason. Although, there are exceptional cases; but the differences we are considering are for most men and women.
The way a man thinks as different from the way a woman thinks is to help in decision making in their relationship. Both are not to compete because of their differences, but to complement each other.
Sometimes, duty comes before joy and happiness. So, men need to be patient and very wise enough to handle their spouses so that they can be happy in their relationship.

DIFFERENCE 2: - PHYSICAL DIFFERENCE

      1. The physical appeal or appearance of a man and a woman usually shows certain differences between the duo. While a man’s body shape is straight and rectangular with strong biceps, a woman’s body shape is curvy and busty. Someone once opined that God must have made man from raw materials and woman from finished products.
      2. Women have more hormones than men. This is why they are more emotional and very touchy. For instance, when a woman is pregnant or in her menstrual cycle, her hormones are usual in high action that she gets to be very touchy and emotional.
When women with such abilities submit to the Holy Spirit, they will be able to control their emotions and act in ways they will not hurt themselves or other people.
      3. In 1 Peter 3:7, we can infer that men are usually physically strong. Most men are usually 15% stronger than most women. This is to help them fulfill their roles as a “protector” and a “provider” for their families. Man’s God’s given strength is not for him to beat his wife turning her to a punching bag; or bully the children under the disguise of chastening them. It is for him to serve her and the entire family.
     4. Men are moved by what they see physically but women are moved by what they hear. So, while most men engage in looking around and surveying, women engage in talking and listening to hear good things.
     5. Sexual Drive: - Sex is only to be practiced in marriage. The sexual drive for men is always present. Men are usually the initiators of sex and for them they can have sex anywhere. For women, it must be in a conducive environment, comfortable enough to stimulate them and build up their emotions because they want a sexual build-up. Most women want to be prepared mentally before having sex. Don’t just get her annoyed or tired because she always want to be prepared emotionally and mentally before having sex.
     6. Women response to feelings while men response to sight (what they see). You must treat her with much care. Give her surprise calls and gifts. Give her sweet compliments and good gestures. You can send her sweet rose flowers. Just do things for her out of the ordinary. You can also help her in doing some of the house chores and in the kitchen. Because men are moved by sight, women should make sure they look queenly gorgeous at all times for their spouses. For instance, wake up early in the morning to appear before your husband as a clean queen so that he carry a beautiful picture of you as he steps out of home for work. By this, he will be able to keep a good memory of you throughout the day, keep the communication with you and avoid liable temptations.

DIFFERENCE 3: - WOMEN ARE EMOTIONAL, MEN ARE LOGICAL

     1. Though all people are in touch with their emotions, but women are more emotional than men. They are usually prone to feelings. They say words like the following when engaged in discussions: “you don’t know how I feel”, “dear”, etc. They refer most times to their feelings when in conversing.
On the other hand, men are logical as they always want to reason out things. They ask questions to get down understanding in details every bit of an issue or situation. When it comes to business, work, family, etc, he is usually logical because he wants to take responsibility for all things.
Most women keep silent when they are highly emotional and troubled. When you she says to you “nothing”, you need to just hold her hands and keep silent. There are many things to learn and understand in silence.
Sometimes, the emotions of women are right and same time, the logic of men is right. Then, it is important to be wise in taking decision. Research has proven that more women are treated for depression than men because they are more emotional.
     2.  You need to be careful on how you handle the issue of money in a relationship. Women can be very emotional in giving. She barely thinks before giving out money. But, a man ordinarily will first of all sit down and reason out things before taking a decision or action. Women are usually drawn to people in need than most men. What is most important that both of you should always seek is whether both of you are happy or not.

Woman Crying Uncontrollably

    3. Most women cry about four times more than men. This affects them in their life endeavours even in spiritual matters.
    4. When women are emotional, they talk more. But for men, they rather bottle up and get angry than get to talking. When you have any disagreement in your relationship, make sure you quickly sought out things and don’t hide your forgiveness. As a man, you are a leader; you are the first that should seek for reconciliation and forgive. Resolving issues is not about what or who is right or wrong. When your spouse unearth her emotions – the way she feels, it will help a lot in solving many problems. So, allow her to talk.
Men should understand women’s emotions in order to avoid manipulation.

DIFFERENCE 4: - WOMEN ARE INTUITIVE, MEN ARE ANALYTICAL

    1. When a woman talks, you need to listen. She will seem nagging at times; it is because you haven’t heard her. Though some women nag when they talk about their emotions and feelings. When a woman talks and expresses herself, she doesn’t necessarily wants you to proffer solutions but just to listen attentive to her.
Men that know how to treat their spouses well are those who know how to listen attentively.
Women should support the logical visions, goals and ambitions or dreams of their spouses.

BATTLE OF THE SEXES: 7 DIFFERENCES BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN (Part 1)

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle
Bible Text: Genesis 2:18-25.

God created a man and a woman giving them individual specific roles. Women are made to be helpers while men are made to be workers.

DON'T FIGHT

When God gives you an assignment, He will give you the anointing and ability to fulfill it. If He has called you to be a man or a woman with particular roles, He will give you all that you need to fulfill the roles.
God has a purpose for the man which is different from His purpose for the woman. His plan is as such that when both come together in marriage, it is with an aim to fulfill a divine mandate.
If you are in a relationship and you can't appreciate the differences between a man and a woman, you can't enjoy the benefits therein.
According to 1 Peter 3:7, women need to be understood. When a woman says she is not heard, it implies that the man needs to give more attention to hearing her. Understanding in this sense means, "To be under the opinion or stance of someone (in this case, your partner)."
Marriage is not a place for competition because both partners are in the same team aiming at the same goal while the devil is the opposition team. Both of you need to work and labour together to achieve a successful relationship.
"That a woman is a weaker vessel" as quoted in the above-mentioned Scriptures means, "she is very fragile and expensive like porcelain." Therefore, you must treat her with so much care and love.
The way a man thinks and processes information is quite different from the way a woman thinks and processes information. You need to understand the way your spouse thinks and processes information. Lack of this understanding will affect every aspect of your relationship.
Can you imagine if all the people in the world are just men or just women? We will live in a very boring and lifeless world. Both men and women are needed in the world and one is not an advantage over the other as they both have their individual and unique roles to play in order to fulfill God's plan.
As a result, in a relationship the opinion of both partners are equally very important. Get to know, understand and appreciate your differences so that you may grow and have a successful and fruitful relationship. Proverbs 24:3-5.

DIFFERENCE 1:
WOMEN ARE RELATIONSHIP-ORIENTED WHILE MEN ARE WORK-ORIENTED:-

BOXING RING

1. Naturally, a man will always see fulfilment in his work, winning a competition and just conquering. He has a conquer mentality. He wants to be in charge and prove his abilities. So, he likes competitions; that is why many men like games like football, boxing and other highly competitive games that steer up their passion.
On the other hand, women are not as such because relationship is not developed in the boxing ring or on the football field/pitch. They are relationship-oriented. The reason most women have more friends than most men and they trust easily than men.
2. A woman gets her identity from the relationships she builds. A man gets his sense of accomplishment and identity in his work. As a result, women are very emotional while men are very logical always wanting to reason out all things.
3. Women are more regular in Church attendance than men and they are often open-hearted. They love to always discuss in details including their daily endeavours. They always expect men to say more than a few words like "it is good", "it is well", "okay", "fine", etc.
Men speak an average of about 11,000 words a day while women speak about double of these words a day.
A woman wants her spouse to give her attention when she talks. Listen to her and be interested in her discussion both in the private and in the public.
4. Women tend to work harder to keep their relationship and please their spouse than men. While men on the other hand take their relationship to be a project because they are work-oriented.

5. The relational part of a woman makes her always love to practice hugging people. She loves to hear fondle words softly spoken like "I love you", "I miss you", "I like the way you handle our children", "I love the meal", etc. But, a man wants to hear things that pertain to his achievements in his work, conquest and exploit or ego.
6. When a man loses his job, it is usually traumatic for him and his relationship. At times, such gets him to do crazy things and behave foolishly if not properly handled. To him, loss of his job makes him lose his rightness and identity and he feels like a failure (that he can't provide and protect his family or relationship).
This is because, his mentality is that he is working to protect and provide for his family. But, for a woman, her mentality is that she wants him.
7. Men tend to be prideful because they are success-oriented. Women want their spouses to give them most attention because they are relationship-oriented.
8. Women always want to talk to their spouses. You need to give her most attention not the football you are watching or the work you are doing. When you do she will possibly join you in watching or in working.
This suggests that if there is anything your spouse is interested in doing, get interested in it. It could be shopping, football, movies, sleeping, traveling, etc.
9. Because of man's orientation, the way he thinks about intimacy in relationship is by having sex. Genesis 34. But a woman's affection is usually moved by words not really sex. So, when you meet a woman for the first time, talk with her and get to know her. Don't act hastily asking for her phone number or BB pin. By so doing you are short-circuiting the necessary discussion that should begin every relationship.
10. Women move to nurture relationships while men move to achieve their works.
11. While a man wants his spouse to give attention to his work, ambitions, visions, goals, pursuits and opinions both in the private and in the public; a woman wants her spouse to give attention to her when she is talking and discussing both in the private and in the public.
When you are in courtship, don't get busy sleeping with each other, engage in quality discussions and get to know more about each other doing proper evaluations. Otherwise, the man will face his work after you are married.

...TO BE CONTINUED ON MONDAY, MAY 21, 2012.

HOW TO KNOW I AM IN A RIGHT RELATIONSHIP (PART 1)

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

"GOD TOLD ME"

Sometimes, when people want to go into a relationship, they often go with the notion “God told me” and therefore perceive it to be a right relationship. But, maybe you actually told yourself because you have seen the man or lady so well often times then you feel it must be God bidding you to go into a relationship with him or her. Even when it seems like you have certain things in common and everything seems to match, it is still not a substantial proof to say whether it is a right relationship or not. The mathematics of God usually is not man’s mathematics because a good thing may not be a God-thing. God has a good plan for you; you need to discern it and follow His plan and purpose so that you will live a fulfilled life. Though God is interested in you having a good relationship and building a successful and fruitful marriage; but you must be willing to follow His plans for you.

At times, when you go into a relationship that is right for you, you end up messing it up because you fail to see the wrong things in the relationship. Relationship is not only about enthusiasm.

Enthusiasm

“Enthusiasm without knowledge is no good; haste makes mistakes. People ruin their lives by their own foolishness and then are angry at the Lord.” Proverbs 19:2-3 (NLT). Even if you feel enthusiastic about a relationship, if you don’t have the right knowledge and take time to find out to know the quality of the person you want to court you will mess it up. You need to give time to test things. It is a process, so you must have time to test the relationship even though you have enthusiasm. As a result, you need to get wisdom and get understanding. Open your eyes to see if the relationship is good for you or not so that you will have no reason to complain to God. Otherwise you will get hurt.

“Faith comes by hearing…” By this, even if God has told you certain things about the relationship, you need to continue to walk with Him so that He will always speak to you about it. He can open your eyes to all the things you need to know. When people get into a relationship and they don’t seek for knowledge and open their eyes to truth, they get hurt and ruin their lives. Then, they complain to God. Although God might have told you to go into a relationship, but you need to keep listening to Him and hear things He has to say to you about the relationship for it to be successful. That is the pattern of faith.

THINGS TO CONSIDER IN ORDER TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP

Laying the foundation courses

1. Lay a good foundation: As written in Isaiah 28:16, you can compare a relationship or marriage with Zion. In Zion good things happen just like whoever finds a wife finds a good thing. Proverbs 18:22. There is a foundation in Zion, in the same way, if you want the goodness and peace in your relationship or marriage you need to lay a good foundation. When you have a foundation it is assumed that you are ready to build and that there will be challenges in the future. If you will go into a relationship, it is assumed that there will be challenges. So, you need to build a foundation. The deeper the foundation the higher the structure you can build.
As single men and women, the single life is a time to build a deep foundation so that you can have a successful relationship. The proper foundation any man can lay in life to have a successful and fulfilled life is Jesus Christ. 1 Corinthians 3:11-13. Jesus Christ is the beginning of any relationship and if your relationship is not built on the word of God it will crash.

2. Use the right building materials: The kind of material you use in build your relationship is very important to the survival and success of your relationship. 1 Corinthians 3:12-13. If you use gold, when fire comes and challenges arise, it will purify it and make it more successful, strengthens it and make it grow instead of destroying it. Therefore, when you build your relationship with the right ingredients, when you pass through fire and challenges it becomes better, stronger and it grows. On the other hand, if you build it with straw, when fire comes on it and challenges arise, it will be destroyed.
When you are in a relationship, rather than sleeping together get to talk and discuss to build a strong and better relationship. If you build your relationship on sex before marriage (pre-marital sex), it is a foundation for disaster in marriage.

3. You need to build according to pattern: There is a pattern for building a right relationship in the word of God. Just as God gave Moses a pattern for the building of the tabernacle, for you to have a successful relationship you must build according to the pattern of God for marriage. Jesus Christ is the Architect; He has given you the plan drawings which are in the Word of God. Jeremiah 29:11. You are the Builder, you need to read and study carefully the Word of God and interpret the design pattern accordingly so that you build in total compliance with the pattern. It is pathetic to know that so many people today are building relationships and marriages that are not in line with the pattern of God. Look at the plan of God for your relationship in the Word of God and translate it appropriately to build your relationship.

4. You must try your foundation: Even if the relationship you are intending for has been given to you by God, you must try it and it takes time to try a relationship. The need for this is to carry out adequate stability test on it to ensure it can withstand pressure and also to know if it has strengths of character. For you to test it, it has to be through time. Give your relationship the test of time. This requires a process.
When you hear people say “God told me”, you need to be careful because every man has the ability to hear four voices – The voice of God, their personal voice, other people’s voices and the voice of the devil. There are people who are going into a relationship (because they had a voice) but they cannot sustain it. They don’t have an inclination of what it is all about.

5. Don’t act hastily: You must not jump into quick conclusion and don’t make a very fast decision. There is a blessing for someone who is patient. When you spend enough time with the person you intended to go into a relationship with (as a friend), you may discover certain things that will help you decide not to go into a relationship with him or her. Whether you like it or not the person you are going to marry is like a Prophet to you. He or she will prophesy either the right or wrong thing to your life, or make you feel less than whom you are or make you feel your real worth and challenge you to greater things. The Word of God instructs us to test every spirit to prove and discover if they proceed from God. 1 John 4:1.
You need to put your intended spouse’s daily actions to test to know whether his or her attitudes are good or not. You must test and prove all things to keep to what is good. 1 Thessalonians 5:21. Don’t go around setting traps for him. Rather, let him be himself and as he deals with you on a daily basis, you will discover things that you cannot do without, things that he needs to change and things that are like warning signals which indicate if you go on with the relationship and enter marriage, you are heading for trouble.

Let him/her go if need be...

Don’t go into a relationship with the notion that “he or she will change”. You are not the Holy Spirit. He is the only one that can convict and change any man. You must see progress and signs of change before you ever think of proceeding in the relationship to marriage. Don’t just commit yourself to the man or woman, let him or her prove to you he/she is worthy of you. 1 Corinthians 4:2 (AMPLIFIED). Don’t cheapen yourself and think that if you don’t agree to his pressure he will leave. Be resolute on that if he will not stay by accepting your standards let him go before he spoils your life. Only commit yourself to someone who has proven to you faithful.
When you are in a relationship you must talk and talk and talk. Don’t stop talking because that is what the discovery process in a relationship involves. Don’t sleep together. Once you start sleeping together you will stop talking and once you stop talking, the discovery process terminates.

CONSIDER THESE THINGS BEFORE STARTING A RELATIONSHIP


1.       YOU NEED TO KNOW: You need to have the knowledge of things to check out for in the relationship. If you lack this you will not be able to know if the relationship is good or bad. Hosea 4:6. Knowledge is firstly important.

2.       GET YOUR MOTIVES RIGHT: You need to check your motive for the relationship to see if they are right or wrong and be sincere. You must always check motives. People go into relationship for different reasons; for instance, to feel safe, to run away from home, to satisfy parental pressure or peer pressure, to deal with rejection (because he or she needs someone to love and validate him/her), to give love, etc. You must know why you are in the relationship whether to give love or not. We are all products of influence in life. A lady who has suffered rejection will naturally give in to anyone that shows her some interests and perhaps fall for his mischievousness. You must have the capacity to know what is good for you and what is not good for you before you can rightly discern a right relationship.

3.       YOU MUST HAVE THE CAPACITY TO EVALUATE & ASSESS: “To evaluate” means “to put value and worth on something and be able to determine its significance on a particular condition.” Imagine if someone wants to interview you for a position and does not have the knowledge of the position. There are people who are like this; they interview others for a position of husband or wife without knowing who a husband or wife is and their roles. Such cannot conduct a successful interview. If you don’t know what his/her roles are you will not look for them. You need to get knowledge. If you don’t know what is right how can you carefully think about it? 1 Corinthians 15:34. You need to carefully evaluate the person you want to marry so that you don’t have a bad relationship.

No relationship leaves you neutral as in the same way. It is either it makes you better or bitter. Every relationship changes you, it will definitely takes something from you and give you certain things. Think carefully if you are going into a relationship.
If you have someone who is having a feeling of rejection and insecurity, such person is always looking for someone to validate her. Even when she is looking good, she wants someone to validate her look to feel some happiness and adequate.
The challenge is that nobody can give you self-esteem and make you feel really good except yourself. You have to do it by yourself through the help of God by the Holy Spirit.

4.       RELATE AT YOUR LEVEL: As human beings we like to walk and relate at in levels. Usually, we relate with someone who is like us except the person exhibits some things we don’t like. You need to go into relationship with someone who is at the same stand point with you, someone who is attracted to the kind of person you are and have the same ideologies with you. If you go into a relationship with someone who is expecting to receive love just as you are also expecting to receive, you will be disappointed. One of the reasons we have divorce, so much hurts and disappointment in relationships and marriages today is because the expectations of one or both partners are not met. When your needs for the relationship are met. If you don’t know how to give love and validate yourself you cannot give it to another person.

5.       LET LOVE STARTS FROM YOU: When you are disappointed because your needs are not met in a relationship, you get hurts, makes you sick and feels heartbroken. Proverbs 13:12. That is why you need to give love to yourself first rather just expecting to receive it. That is where it starts. How you know things are right in your relationship is by checking from yourself first of all. How much love have you given yourself before you expect someone else to give you love or give love to someone else?

There is nothing like love at first sight, it is lust at first sight. It is true you are attracted to someone at first sight because it is eye-to-body contact communication, yet this is not love because what you see at first sight is the container, you need to find out about the content before you decision reasonably on whether to love the person or not.
When you are in a relationship and things don’t work out, it doesn’t mean you are a bad person. It is simply that you are not compatible. You are not looking for someone who is perfect, but someone who you are perfect for you.

Remember that, when you are in a relationship, ensure that you prove all things and lay a solid foundation. To know whether you are in a right relationship or not, first of all you need to find out from your point of view whether you know things that are right. It is important to start from yourself.

MONEY AND RELATIONSHIP PART 2: (HOW FINANCES AFFECT MARITAL RELATIONSHIP)

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

(President, The Singles Fellowship, The Fountain of Life Church)

Scripture Text: Matthew 19:1-6

    In the world we live in today, the percentage of divorce has risen tremendously in the last couple of years and it is not only limited to people outside the church, even members of the Body of Christ are caught in this web. In fact, there is a statistics that says that 50 percent of people who get married even in church are getting a divorce. Christians are supposed to be custodian of marriage as the Lord intended.

Over history, it has been discovered that MONEY is one of the major reasons why couples get divorced and why a marriage doesn’t work. But in general term, there are three major reasons, namely: SEX, MONEY and COMMUNICATION.

    When the Pharisees came to Jesus, they wanted to trap Him with this question: “Can a man be allowed to divorce his wife for any reason?” Jesus says nothing should result to divorce in marriage, let nothing put you and your partner asunder; including money. That is, once you get married to somebody, you become one with that person. Whatever belongs to you belongs to me. Your assets are my assets; my liabilities are your liabilities. That’s why it is very important that before you get married to someone, you ensure that they have the right assets and they don’t have the kind of liabilities that will take you out of that marriage or bring you down. Somebody will say ‘what kind of liabilities can bring someone down?’ Imagine you are getting married to somebody who has very huge sums of debt, and there is no realistic way or no plan with which he/she is going to pay it off. Whatever belongs to you belongs to me. We share everything together. It is not, ‘this is my money and that is your money’ we have decided to get married, everything becomes our own – mine and yours become ours and I and you become we. If you do not change that mentality before you get married, it going to have a lot of negative impact in your marriage. That is where trust becomes very important and critical.

    In Genesis 2:24, “nakedness” implies openness between the two partners. Where there is no trust, the issues of money will definitely cause problems. So, trust is a valuable asset in every relationship. It is the foundation for a happy and successful relationship. In a successful relationship, you don’t need 99.9% trust, you need 100 % trust. Because a 0.1 level of distrust can bring down your relationship. Trust provides comfort and it is the basis for a relationship.

    It is because of this trust that when couples are buying houses these days; in the past people bought houses in the name of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, now it is Mr. Shola and Mrs. Debola Smith because they tell you anybody can be Mrs. Smith. So, she says to him you have to put my real name. You cannot blame her for insisting in some of these things. She knows that you perhaps come from a very dysfunctional home, that if something happens to you tomorrow, your family will move in. Have you done anything to give her comfort? Does she have sufficient stake in your life? Is she very confident that if something happens to you, nobody will come and challenge her on the property that both of you purchased?

    Therefore, we need to realize that, money is important in a relationship, but money itself does not bring happiness. Money in itself is neutral. But your marriage can be enhanced by money. The Bible says that ‘Money is a defense as wisdom is also a defense. Money gives you some level of safety. Real satisfaction is not found in money. It is not money that really makes you happy, it is not money that gives you security, it is the things that money can do for you. It is the patience, the good work, the godliness, the love, the endurance, the gentleness, the way you treat your spouse and your commitment that money enhances are what give you satisfaction and happiness in a relationship. We need to know that in life, money is a support system. It does not make us happy, but it is what it can give us and do for us. There are people who live in big houses and yet are not happy; while some live in small houses and are happy. Though, there are people who live in big houses that are happy.

WHAT MONEY DOES FOR YOU?

    Money helps to meet certain basic and legitimate needs and not necessarily wants of life, among these are:

1. It determines the kind of school your children will go.
2. It determines the kind of hospitals you can go.
3. It determines the kind of clothes you can wear.
4. It determines the type of places you can reside and homes you can dwell.
5. It helps you with wisdom to manage your time and have no stress.
6. It helps in fulfillment of certain goals, values, dreams and aspirations.

    Money helps you to do these things. Therefore your attitude to this money is what is important. You need to pray earnestly for God to continue to provide for you and to move you up on a consistent basis.

The Bible says is 1 Tim 6:10. “The love of money is the root of all evil” It is not money that is evil itself. Money is neutral. The love of money is the root of all evil, so it is your attitude to money that is important. And before you get married to anybody, you must understand their attitude to money.

    You need to come to a point where you realize that God is my Source; you need to absolutely trust God to supply all my need according to His riches in glory.

FINANCIAL PLANNING

    Both of you need to plan on how you will make sufficient money as well as spend it. For instance, my wife and I are both from a savings culture. Remember there are two kinds of people when it comes to issue of money – the saver and the spender. You need to know before you get married if he/she is also a spender or a saver. Therefore, when we got married, we were just saving and saving. The balance is this; there are some things you can spend on. You are not going to be frivolous about it. There are certain things you need to spend on that will improve your relationship and when you have money, you will be able to afford them.

There are so many people who are not financially responsible because they have addictions; addiction to gambling, materialism (fashion), social occasion, gaming, recreation and so on.

    In addition to this, you should know the kind of impact the expenses of the family of your partner will have on you. You shouldn’t just discard it that he/she is helping his/her brother or sister. Can you be sure that you will be committed to it? Not that when he/she says that ‘my brother’s school fees is here again’ you begin to grumbler or he/she says ‘I need to send money to my parent’ and you also begin to grumble. All these things need to be talked about before you get married. You also need to plan and understand the things you can afford and the ones you can’t afford.

    You need to also ask yourself this question: Can I survive on our income? I was discussing with someone recently, you want to get married, brother, how much do you earn? ‘I earn 250 thousand naira a month’ Madam how much do you earn? ‘I earn N150 Thousand a month’ That is N400 Thousand a month. Can we survive on this? That is N4.8 Million a year. Can we get a house out of this? When we bring a child into the world, are we bringing him to suffer or we can provide for these children? You need to plan and ensure how you can survive on your income.

    You can’t live on love, you need money to survive. When you wake up in the morning, is it love you will eat? Is it love that will send the children to school? Is it love that you will drive? These things are so important and highly essential. Therefore, before and after you get married, there must be effective communication. You need to be communicating continuously about money issues. You need to understand whether your partner is willing to share information about financial issues or not? You don’t know how much she earns, she doesn’t know how much you earn, if I tell him now, or if I tell her now, she will say we should spend more. No! trust is the foundation of any relationship.

    Listen to this, A survey by the non-profit CESI debt solutions reveal that 80% of spouses spend money their partners don’t know about, and more than two-thirds of the respondence have had a relationship affected by financial dishonesty. Another study commissioned by the National Endowment for Financial Education and Forbes Women, discovered that 3 in 10 Americans agreed to financial deception with their partners. Of those, nearly 60% had hidden cash, more than 50% had hidden purchases, an additional 30% had hidden statement of bills and 34% said they lied about their financial debt or money earned.

    Women are victimized more often than men. According to the NEFE study, 65% of women said their partners had lied to them about finances or debts compared with 47% of men. Among those who were deceived, more that 40% said it damaged trust in their relationship and for 16% it resulted in divorce. So we need to be open about these things.

    Another important issue is this; when you get married and one party is working while the other party is not working, or you say, ’My wife will not work’ (usually I don’t subscribe to it) but if you are in that position, where your wife says she’s not going to work or you do not want your wife to work, you must provide for her sufficiently, she must have so much trust in you that she is not going to suffer for anything. She must be absolutely sure that she has sufficient stake in your life, that even when she has a dream, you can finance her dream. Because that causes a power imbalance and sometimes, the person who makes the money thinks or believes that he/she should be the person to decide on how to spend it. No! Both of you should decide on how to spend it.

    Things may be rough at the onset, you may not get some of the things you want; but as you build together your relationship through thick and thin, you become more close/intimate. But if you put your mind on money alone, money may come, but because you have not built a relationship, money becomes useless to you.

So, as much as money is very important in relationships, you need to first of all build strength of character, godliness, righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Ghost. Be a person of character while you look towards the future and commit your future into the hands of God knowing that though your beginnings may be small, your later end will greatly be increased.

    As a woman, you should encourage your husband because his ego is affected by how much he has sometimes. When he can’t pay for some things, encourage him with kind gestures and compliments and let him feel like the man he is. Pray earnestly for him.

    Remember that, you have a God, the One you can always depend on whenever you face challenges; weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

    Never compromise anything for your marriage. May the Lord help you in Jesus’ name. Amen.                                                                                                                                                         

MONEY AND RELATIONSHIP PART 1: (HOW FINANCES AFFECT MARITAL RELATIONSHIP)

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

(President, The Singles Fellowship, The Fountain of Life Church)

Is it possible to experience true love without money? Why is it that people are experiencing challenges with money in their relationships? Are there things people can do in order to have a good relationship and money will not be a problem? What are the things you need to do and look for when dating or when we get married about money?

Matthew 19:1-6 (NLT)

The Scriptures says that, when you get married to someone, you are united together into one. That is, when you come to the altar, when you say I do, you say I do to everything about the man or woman. You need to consider this very well so that you don’t have to say what did I do afterwards. When you say I do, you say I do to his/her ways of life. So, emotions should not be a major factor to be considered in deciding on who to marry. Emotions change, that is why it is called “e-motions”; meaning “always changing”. Therefore, if you base your decisions only on emotions, your emotions may change about the person because they are very fickle.

So, to decide on whether to marry someone or not, you need to consider so many things. When you begin to consider first how to have sex before marriage, you will stop to consider important issues, of which money or finance is an important issue.

Life Action Ministries defined marriage as stated below:

1.   A holy covenant 

2.   Initiated by God

3.  Conditioned on an irrevocable promise

4.  Oneness with an imperfect person of the opposite sex

5.  For a lifetime

6. To glorify God

Oneness with an imperfect person implies that you are not looking for someone who is perfect, but you are looking for someone who you are perfect together, someone who is perfect for you. You should know then that your mindset and thinking about money is different from his/her mindset and thinking about the same. Therefore, when you come into a relationship, you need to ensure that such mindset is worked on before you say I do.

There are three most important issues in any relationship or marriage, namely:

1.      Communication: When both of you build a good communication, you will have a good marriage.

2.      Sex in marriage: When you are satisfied with the issue of sex in marriage, it is a pointer that you will have a good marriage.

3.      Money: This is one of the most important issues in marriage. It is unavoidable that must be discussed before and after marriage. Money is more romantic than divorce. Couples who disagree about finances once a week are more likely to divorce than couples who disagree a few times a week about finances. Once you keep disagreeing once a week, there is likelihood it ends up in divorce. Also, 45% of money talks among partners end up in argument. (Ref: American Express Spending and Tracker Survey). Once you start argument in your relationship, you begin to introduce dangerous things into it. You can have disagreement, but avoid argument. Argument is usually a strong destructive emotion. Spend more time in discussing on constructive issues in your relationships and marriage and doing constructive things.(Ref: American Express Spending and Tracker Survey).

If two people are in a relationship and they spend more time arguing, they are spending more time on destructive issues, you may need to break such relationship because you are agreeing on important things.

Some people indulge in pre-nuptial agreement, this anticipates divorce. It is only because of money and physical resources. However, though money is important, money should not be the reason you marry someone. This is because money doesn’t have loyalty; it doesn’t have character or traits. It doesn’t like or hate you. It is neutral to life. Proverbs 23:5. Money develops wings and then flies away. If you marry someone because of money, once the money finishes, the person will turn away from you. That is why you should know the reason someone wants to get married to you; especially if you are someone with resources.

There are some people who want to get married because they want children. Once you have given them children, such will tell you that you have finished your duty and then abandon you. Some need someone to take care of them, while some need someone to pay their bills. So, you need to investigate why someone wants to get married to you.

You need someone who believes what God believes about you and someone who will be committed to achieving what God believes about you. You need someone who has a vision.

Why is money so important in a relationship?

1.      Money is a support system:  It determines your comfort level. All the things that make you comfortable in this world are monetized. Clothes, cars, houses, etc are monetized, you need to buy them. Imagine you are married and your wife is pregnant, but you don’t have a car, do you think money will determine your comfort level or not? The kind of schools your children can attend and where you live all depend on or are determined by money. Holidays cost money. Whether you go on holiday to a distant place or near places is all determined by money. So, it is a support system. Without this, you will barely be surviving. If your genuine needs are not being met consistently over an extended period of time because of financial difficulties, it will affect the harmony of your relationship. Because, frustration will set in and it will put you under emotional pressure. Therefore, it will be difficult to perform the duties (sexual, physical, financial and emotional duties) you are required to perform. Once you have emotional pressure, you have emotional imbalance. Though, you may be in a situation of lack, you need to realize and acknowledge God as your source of financial provision. The solution is not in frowning but in the word of God. Job 15:12 (MSG). When your emotions take over when you lack money in a relationship and you are under emotional pressure or tension, you begin to speak fire. Whatever you speak is what will happen in your relationship. Proverbs 14:30. When there is provision for you, it is robust body. Sound mind will make you look good and healthier. Lack of money corrodes your body and makes your think too much causing hypertension. You income level will determine the kind of problem you will have or face in a relationship. Low income people, there major problem is access to resources is usually difficult. This will increase there stress level and often result into fighting and poor health. For medium and high income people, there problem is not usually about getting the money, but about spending it. That is, accountability.

You can’t live on love, you need money to survive. We live in the world, though not of the world; if they spend money in the world, we will need money in order to build healthy and successful relationships in the world. Money is neutral, neither good nor bad and neither positive nor negative. It can be a source of security or anxiety, comfort or curiosity. God has created us with good tastes to richly enjoy all things; money changes our taste and gives enjoyment.

2.      Money can be an opportunity for power or impotence: When a man doesn’t have money, it affects his ego and renders him incapable.

Why is money a big source of problem to married people who have said they are committed to one another? It is important because we are from different backgrounds and have seen money from different views. Some come from a background that encourages people to save, some otherwise while others are from an indifferent or neutral background.  In a relationship, when you have different opinions about your expenditures, you need to discuss and balance yourselves. Because, a saver always concentrates on the future; when you do that you may neglect what you need to do in the present that can build your relationship and bring both of you closer to better intimacy. Therefore, it is not how much money you have or don’t have that matters, but it is your attitude to money that matters. You need to know your attitude to money as well as your partner's attitude to money before you get married.

1 Timothy 6:6-10. The love of money is the root of all evil. Love of anything above God is idolatry. If you want to marry someone and you discover he/she loves money too much, it is a signal that he/she may love money more than they love you and may sacrifice you for money. He/she may give up on you for money because he/she loves money more than you.

FEW THINGS TO CONSIDER BEFORE YOU MARRY SOMEONE YOU ARE DATING

1.      Is he/she looking who will pay his/her bills? Is he/she a gold digger who wants to enjoy the benefit of reaping what he/she hasn’t sown? Perhaps, he/she is a leech, that every where you go, he/she is always asking you for money. Or always ask you for the things he/she can’t afford. Does he/she expect you to pay for everything always? When you are in a relationship and people are compelling you to buy something (affordable or non-affordable) for him/her, you need to be careful because you are not married yet.

2.      Is he/she secretive about his/her finances? Does he/she tell you ho much he/she earns?

3.      Does he/she control you with money? Does he/she demands you to do something before he/she gives you money or gifts? Does he/she see money as a power tool? Any person who sees money as a power tool will always want to subjugate you.

4.      Is he/she stingy or frivolous about money? Is he/she a saver or spender? You need to know if he/she consistently loves buying things on credit or not? Such a person becomes a debtor. How can you marry a debtor or arbitrary borrower?

5.      Is he/she a lazy person or very industrious? If he/she is lazy, it will surely affect you when you get marry. Proverbs 21:25.

You need to trust God for your financial life. It good to save and have financial plans, but God is always the true source of wealth. He teaches our hands to make wealth. Deuteronomy 8:18.

Money is very important in a relationship before you get married, but it is very important that you sort it out before you get married.

To be continued...