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Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle
Sometimes, when people want to go into a relationship, they often go with the notion “God told me”
and therefore perceive it to be a right relationship. But, maybe you
actually told yourself because you have seen the man or lady so well
often times then you feel it must be God bidding you to go into a
relationship with him or her. Even when it seems like you have certain
things in common and everything seems to match, it is still not a
substantial proof to say whether it is a right relationship or not. The
mathematics of God usually is not man’s mathematics because a good thing
may not be a God-thing. God has a good plan for you; you need to
discern it and follow His plan and purpose so that you will live a
fulfilled life. Though God is interested in you having a good
relationship and building a successful and fruitful marriage; but you
must be willing to follow His plans for you.
At times, when you go into a relationship that is right for you, you end up messing it up because you fail to see the wrong things in the relationship. Relationship is not only about enthusiasm.
“Enthusiasm without knowledge is no good; haste makes mistakes.
People ruin their lives by their own foolishness and then are angry at
the Lord.” Proverbs 19:2-3 (NLT). Even if you feel enthusiastic about a
relationship, if you don’t have the right knowledge and take time to
find out to know the quality of the person you want to court you will
mess it up. You need to give time to test things. It is a process, so
you must have time to test the relationship even though you have
enthusiasm. As a result, you need to get wisdom and get understanding.
Open your eyes to see if the relationship is good for you or not so that
you will have no reason to complain to God. Otherwise you will get
hurt.
“Faith comes by hearing…” By this, even if God has told you certain things about the relationship, you need to continue to walk with Him so that He will always speak to you about it. He can open your eyes to all the things you need to know. When people get into a relationship and they don’t seek for knowledge and open their eyes to truth, they get hurt and ruin their lives. Then, they complain to God. Although God might have told you to go into a relationship, but you need to keep listening to Him and hear things He has to say to you about the relationship for it to be successful. That is the pattern of faith.
THINGS TO CONSIDER IN ORDER TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP
1. Lay a good foundation: As written in Isaiah
28:16, you can compare a relationship or marriage with Zion. In Zion
good things happen just like whoever finds a wife finds a good thing.
Proverbs 18:22. There is a foundation in Zion, in the same way, if you
want the goodness and peace in your relationship or marriage you need to
lay a good foundation. When you have a foundation it is assumed that
you are ready to build and that there will be challenges in the future.
If you will go into a relationship, it is assumed that there will be
challenges. So, you need to build a foundation. The deeper the
foundation the higher the structure you can build.
As single men and women, the single life is a time to build a deep foundation so that you can have a successful relationship. The proper foundation any man can lay in life to have a successful and fulfilled life is Jesus Christ. 1 Corinthians 3:11-13. Jesus Christ is the beginning of any relationship and if your relationship is not built on the word of God it will crash.
2. Use the right building materials: The kind of material you use in build your relationship is very important to the survival and success of your relationship. 1 Corinthians 3:12-13. If you use gold, when fire comes and challenges arise, it will purify it and make it more successful, strengthens it and make it grow instead of destroying it. Therefore, when you build your relationship with the right ingredients, when you pass through fire and challenges it becomes better, stronger and it grows. On the other hand, if you build it with straw, when fire comes on it and challenges arise, it will be destroyed.
When you are in a relationship, rather than sleeping together get to talk and discuss to build a strong and better relationship. If you build your relationship on sex before marriage (pre-marital sex), it is a foundation for disaster in marriage.
3. You need to build according to pattern: There is a pattern for building a right relationship in the word of God. Just as God gave Moses a pattern for the building of the tabernacle, for you to have a successful relationship you must build according to the pattern of God for marriage. Jesus Christ is the Architect; He has given you the plan drawings which are in the Word of God. Jeremiah 29:11. You are the Builder, you need to read and study carefully the Word of God and interpret the design pattern accordingly so that you build in total compliance with the pattern. It is pathetic to know that so many people today are building relationships and marriages that are not in line with the pattern of God. Look at the plan of God for your relationship in the Word of God and translate it appropriately to build your relationship.
4. You must try your foundation: Even if the relationship you are intending for has been given to you by God, you must try it and it takes time to try a relationship. The need for this is to carry out adequate stability test on it to ensure it can withstand pressure and also to know if it has strengths of character. For you to test it, it has to be through time. Give your relationship the test of time. This requires a process.
When you hear people say “God told me”, you need to be careful because every man has the ability to hear four voices – The voice of God, their personal voice, other people’s voices and the voice of the devil. There are people who are going into a relationship (because they had a voice) but they cannot sustain it. They don’t have an inclination of what it is all about.
5. Don’t act hastily: You must not jump into quick conclusion and don’t make a very fast decision. There is a blessing for someone who is patient. When you spend enough time with the person you intended to go into a relationship with (as a friend), you may discover certain things that will help you decide not to go into a relationship with him or her. Whether you like it or not the person you are going to marry is like a Prophet to you. He or she will prophesy either the right or wrong thing to your life, or make you feel less than whom you are or make you feel your real worth and challenge you to greater things. The Word of God instructs us to test every spirit to prove and discover if they proceed from God. 1 John 4:1.
You need to put your intended spouse’s daily actions to test to know whether his or her attitudes are good or not. You must test and prove all things to keep to what is good. 1 Thessalonians 5:21. Don’t go around setting traps for him. Rather, let him be himself and as he deals with you on a daily basis, you will discover things that you cannot do without, things that he needs to change and things that are like warning signals which indicate if you go on with the relationship and enter marriage, you are heading for trouble.
Don’t go into a relationship with the notion that “he or she will
change”. You are not the Holy Spirit. He is the only one that can
convict and change any man. You must see progress and signs of change
before you ever think of proceeding in the relationship to marriage.
Don’t just commit yourself to the man or woman, let him or her prove to
you he/she is worthy of you. 1 Corinthians 4:2 (AMPLIFIED). Don’t
cheapen yourself and think that if you don’t agree to his pressure he
will leave. Be resolute on that if he will not stay by accepting your
standards let him go before he spoils your life. Only commit yourself to
someone who has proven to you faithful.
When you are in a relationship you must talk and talk and talk. Don’t stop talking because that is what the discovery process in a relationship involves. Don’t sleep together. Once you start sleeping together you will stop talking and once you stop talking, the discovery process terminates.
CONSIDER THESE THINGS BEFORE STARTING A RELATIONSHIP
1. YOU NEED TO KNOW: You need to have the knowledge of things to check out for in the relationship. If you lack this you will not be able to know if the relationship is good or bad. Hosea 4:6. Knowledge is firstly important.
2. GET YOUR MOTIVES RIGHT: You need to check your motive for the relationship to see if they are right or wrong and be sincere. You must always check motives. People go into relationship for different reasons; for instance, to feel safe, to run away from home, to satisfy parental pressure or peer pressure, to deal with rejection (because he or she needs someone to love and validate him/her), to give love, etc. You must know why you are in the relationship whether to give love or not. We are all products of influence in life. A lady who has suffered rejection will naturally give in to anyone that shows her some interests and perhaps fall for his mischievousness. You must have the capacity to know what is good for you and what is not good for you before you can rightly discern a right relationship.
3. YOU MUST HAVE THE CAPACITY TO EVALUATE & ASSESS: “To evaluate” means “to put value and worth on something and be able to determine its significance on a particular condition.” Imagine if someone wants to interview you for a position and does not have the knowledge of the position. There are people who are like this; they interview others for a position of husband or wife without knowing who a husband or wife is and their roles. Such cannot conduct a successful interview. If you don’t know what his/her roles are you will not look for them. You need to get knowledge. If you don’t know what is right how can you carefully think about it? 1 Corinthians 15:34. You need to carefully evaluate the person you want to marry so that you don’t have a bad relationship.
If you have someone who is having a feeling of rejection and insecurity, such person is always looking for someone to validate her. Even when she is looking good, she wants someone to validate her look to feel some happiness and adequate.
The challenge is that nobody can give you self-esteem and make you feel really good except yourself. You have to do it by yourself through the help of God by the Holy Spirit.
4. RELATE AT YOUR LEVEL: As human beings we like to walk and relate at in levels. Usually, we relate with someone who is like us except the person exhibits some things we don’t like. You need to go into relationship with someone who is at the same stand point with you, someone who is attracted to the kind of person you are and have the same ideologies with you. If you go into a relationship with someone who is expecting to receive love just as you are also expecting to receive, you will be disappointed. One of the reasons we have divorce, so much hurts and disappointment in relationships and marriages today is because the expectations of one or both partners are not met. When your needs for the relationship are met. If you don’t know how to give love and validate yourself you cannot give it to another person.
5. LET LOVE STARTS FROM YOU: When you are disappointed because your needs are not met in a relationship, you get hurts, makes you sick and feels heartbroken. Proverbs 13:12. That is why you need to give love to yourself first rather just expecting to receive it. That is where it starts. How you know things are right in your relationship is by checking from yourself first of all. How much love have you given yourself before you expect someone else to give you love or give love to someone else?
When you are in a relationship and things don’t work out, it doesn’t mean you are a bad person. It is simply that you are not compatible. You are not looking for someone who is perfect, but someone who you are perfect for you.
Remember that, when you are in a relationship, ensure that you prove all things and lay a solid foundation. To know whether you are in a right relationship or not, first of all you need to find out from your point of view whether you know things that are right. It is important to start from yourself.
 |
| "GOD TOLD ME" |
At times, when you go into a relationship that is right for you, you end up messing it up because you fail to see the wrong things in the relationship. Relationship is not only about enthusiasm.
 |
| Enthusiasm |
“Faith comes by hearing…” By this, even if God has told you certain things about the relationship, you need to continue to walk with Him so that He will always speak to you about it. He can open your eyes to all the things you need to know. When people get into a relationship and they don’t seek for knowledge and open their eyes to truth, they get hurt and ruin their lives. Then, they complain to God. Although God might have told you to go into a relationship, but you need to keep listening to Him and hear things He has to say to you about the relationship for it to be successful. That is the pattern of faith.
THINGS TO CONSIDER IN ORDER TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP
 |
| Laying the foundation courses |
As single men and women, the single life is a time to build a deep foundation so that you can have a successful relationship. The proper foundation any man can lay in life to have a successful and fulfilled life is Jesus Christ. 1 Corinthians 3:11-13. Jesus Christ is the beginning of any relationship and if your relationship is not built on the word of God it will crash.
2. Use the right building materials: The kind of material you use in build your relationship is very important to the survival and success of your relationship. 1 Corinthians 3:12-13. If you use gold, when fire comes and challenges arise, it will purify it and make it more successful, strengthens it and make it grow instead of destroying it. Therefore, when you build your relationship with the right ingredients, when you pass through fire and challenges it becomes better, stronger and it grows. On the other hand, if you build it with straw, when fire comes on it and challenges arise, it will be destroyed.
When you are in a relationship, rather than sleeping together get to talk and discuss to build a strong and better relationship. If you build your relationship on sex before marriage (pre-marital sex), it is a foundation for disaster in marriage.
3. You need to build according to pattern: There is a pattern for building a right relationship in the word of God. Just as God gave Moses a pattern for the building of the tabernacle, for you to have a successful relationship you must build according to the pattern of God for marriage. Jesus Christ is the Architect; He has given you the plan drawings which are in the Word of God. Jeremiah 29:11. You are the Builder, you need to read and study carefully the Word of God and interpret the design pattern accordingly so that you build in total compliance with the pattern. It is pathetic to know that so many people today are building relationships and marriages that are not in line with the pattern of God. Look at the plan of God for your relationship in the Word of God and translate it appropriately to build your relationship.
4. You must try your foundation: Even if the relationship you are intending for has been given to you by God, you must try it and it takes time to try a relationship. The need for this is to carry out adequate stability test on it to ensure it can withstand pressure and also to know if it has strengths of character. For you to test it, it has to be through time. Give your relationship the test of time. This requires a process.
When you hear people say “God told me”, you need to be careful because every man has the ability to hear four voices – The voice of God, their personal voice, other people’s voices and the voice of the devil. There are people who are going into a relationship (because they had a voice) but they cannot sustain it. They don’t have an inclination of what it is all about.
5. Don’t act hastily: You must not jump into quick conclusion and don’t make a very fast decision. There is a blessing for someone who is patient. When you spend enough time with the person you intended to go into a relationship with (as a friend), you may discover certain things that will help you decide not to go into a relationship with him or her. Whether you like it or not the person you are going to marry is like a Prophet to you. He or she will prophesy either the right or wrong thing to your life, or make you feel less than whom you are or make you feel your real worth and challenge you to greater things. The Word of God instructs us to test every spirit to prove and discover if they proceed from God. 1 John 4:1.
You need to put your intended spouse’s daily actions to test to know whether his or her attitudes are good or not. You must test and prove all things to keep to what is good. 1 Thessalonians 5:21. Don’t go around setting traps for him. Rather, let him be himself and as he deals with you on a daily basis, you will discover things that you cannot do without, things that he needs to change and things that are like warning signals which indicate if you go on with the relationship and enter marriage, you are heading for trouble.
 |
| Let him/her go if need be... |
When you are in a relationship you must talk and talk and talk. Don’t stop talking because that is what the discovery process in a relationship involves. Don’t sleep together. Once you start sleeping together you will stop talking and once you stop talking, the discovery process terminates.
CONSIDER THESE THINGS BEFORE STARTING A RELATIONSHIP
1. YOU NEED TO KNOW: You need to have the knowledge of things to check out for in the relationship. If you lack this you will not be able to know if the relationship is good or bad. Hosea 4:6. Knowledge is firstly important.
2. GET YOUR MOTIVES RIGHT: You need to check your motive for the relationship to see if they are right or wrong and be sincere. You must always check motives. People go into relationship for different reasons; for instance, to feel safe, to run away from home, to satisfy parental pressure or peer pressure, to deal with rejection (because he or she needs someone to love and validate him/her), to give love, etc. You must know why you are in the relationship whether to give love or not. We are all products of influence in life. A lady who has suffered rejection will naturally give in to anyone that shows her some interests and perhaps fall for his mischievousness. You must have the capacity to know what is good for you and what is not good for you before you can rightly discern a right relationship.
3. YOU MUST HAVE THE CAPACITY TO EVALUATE & ASSESS: “To evaluate” means “to put value and worth on something and be able to determine its significance on a particular condition.” Imagine if someone wants to interview you for a position and does not have the knowledge of the position. There are people who are like this; they interview others for a position of husband or wife without knowing who a husband or wife is and their roles. Such cannot conduct a successful interview. If you don’t know what his/her roles are you will not look for them. You need to get knowledge. If you don’t know what is right how can you carefully think about it? 1 Corinthians 15:34. You need to carefully evaluate the person you want to marry so that you don’t have a bad relationship.
If you have someone who is having a feeling of rejection and insecurity, such person is always looking for someone to validate her. Even when she is looking good, she wants someone to validate her look to feel some happiness and adequate.
The challenge is that nobody can give you self-esteem and make you feel really good except yourself. You have to do it by yourself through the help of God by the Holy Spirit.
4. RELATE AT YOUR LEVEL: As human beings we like to walk and relate at in levels. Usually, we relate with someone who is like us except the person exhibits some things we don’t like. You need to go into relationship with someone who is at the same stand point with you, someone who is attracted to the kind of person you are and have the same ideologies with you. If you go into a relationship with someone who is expecting to receive love just as you are also expecting to receive, you will be disappointed. One of the reasons we have divorce, so much hurts and disappointment in relationships and marriages today is because the expectations of one or both partners are not met. When your needs for the relationship are met. If you don’t know how to give love and validate yourself you cannot give it to another person.
5. LET LOVE STARTS FROM YOU: When you are disappointed because your needs are not met in a relationship, you get hurts, makes you sick and feels heartbroken. Proverbs 13:12. That is why you need to give love to yourself first rather just expecting to receive it. That is where it starts. How you know things are right in your relationship is by checking from yourself first of all. How much love have you given yourself before you expect someone else to give you love or give love to someone else?
When you are in a relationship and things don’t work out, it doesn’t mean you are a bad person. It is simply that you are not compatible. You are not looking for someone who is perfect, but someone who you are perfect for you.
Remember that, when you are in a relationship, ensure that you prove all things and lay a solid foundation. To know whether you are in a right relationship or not, first of all you need to find out from your point of view whether you know things that are right. It is important to start from yourself.
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