SETTING BOUNDARIES (PART 2)

Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

(President, The Singles and Married Fellowship, Fountain of Life Church, Lagos Nigeria)

For someone you do not know, a total stranger, it is a big circle of friendship. For instance, I do not expect to meet someone today and the first thing I want to do is to hug the person. That is stepping out of boundary. I do not expect to meet someone for the first time casually and the first thing I want is the person’s phone number, except it is a business relationship, or perhaps while you were talking to that person, something developed in that regard. Ironically, you hear people who meet someone for just three minutes and the first thing they want is “Can I have your phone number? You’ve already typed it in…” This is crossing the boundary. For someone you are just meeting for the first time, a total stranger, it is a big circle for the duo.

The more people know you, the more the circle reduces and the circumference reduces as well; and as this happens, the more people get closer to you, the more you also need to set boundaries. Because the closer people are to you, the more they can hurt you. If you are driving and someone on the road says to you that, “Your head is not correct,” you just look at the person and say, ‘I don’t know you, I wont meet you again,’ it may pain you a little but you let it go. But if it is your fiancée that says, “Do you know what you just did show that your head is not correct.” It will hurt you severely. This is simply because the more people get closer to you, the boundary is reduced; but the more they can hurt you.

Using an illustration where two people stand at opposite ends in a circle, if one takes a step towards the other, the second person also takes a step forward, the circumference reduces, in no time, you can hit yourselves because the boundary has reduced. That is why when you get married to someone, what happens is that both of you become so close (like knitting two objects together into one entity or a kind of fusion), that even in that togetherness you need to create space. Even though your partner is so close to you, he/she is not allowed to step on you and he/she should know that. But if he/she doesn’t know and he/she steps on you and you accuse him/her…because he/she actually didn’t know, it wouldn’t be his/her fault. The same goes for friendship.

It’s good to define your boundaries and let your friends or friends to be know them. This is like setting rules for a game.”If you love me you let me know what you expect of me and if I love you I would let you know what I expect of you.” That is just it.  All relationships walk harmoniously when everyone in the relationship knows what to expect and what is expected of them. But if we start relationships without giving expectations, we live our lives based on assumptions it is wrong. When you set boundaries, it reduces chances of friction or hurts because both of you know your limits.

Another flip side to this is developing yourself spiritually. Develop the fruit of the spirit inside of you so that you do not react to everything. What is a boundary? A boundary is a dividing line between you and someone else. It is amazing that we learn how to put boundaries as a kid in your classroom but in developing relationships we fail to put boundaries in place. It is a dividing line between you and someone else, even someone you love. The line is both physical and emotional limits that you may not violate. When the line is crossed by others, it would create feelings of anger, hurt or outrage. To set your boundaries is to stop anyone including the ones you love from crossing the line with you. Someone said, “Before I married my husband I set two solid boundaries, I said I would not tolerate physical or emotional abuse, I said I would not tolerate you cheating on me or any form of infidelity. I made it very clear that if either of both boundaries were crossed, it would have consequences. He listened. He understood my boundaries, and honoured them. We have been happily married for 24 years now. Someone also said, “While we were courting, I told him I would not like you to come to my house after 8pm, I would not like you to touch me in a way that is provocative.” These are boundaries. You are building a friendship and you say you want the friendship to be based on honesty, you define to them what is important to you in the friendship and that honesty is key in this friendship, then you can say that you cannot continue with the friend if there are lies between two of you, because honesty is important to you, then your boundary was crossed and there is a consequence.

But a number of us, what we do is that we know that honesty in important to you, that boundary was crossed, you found the line and you do not confront the issue. A number of us do not know how to say NO. Every time people come to you for one thing or the other you give excuses and postpone your responses. You should tell the person “I am sorry I cannot do this for you because of this, if I had it I would be able to do it, but I do not have the power to do this for you.” That way, you have placed a boundary immediately. But a number of us cannot confront issues boldly and confidently. Some people offend you because they crossed the boundary; the guarantee that they would do it again is if you do not correct them. A number of us carry malice, anger and hatred. The reason why you try to suppress anger is because you do not confront the issues that are supposed to be confronted. You are going out with a guy and he tells you he desires to have a taste of you (have sex with you) before you get married. You need to sit down and confront that issue, because the problem he may be going through maybe actually bigger than that. He may be suffering from lust! And what makes you think that if you do not give in/succumb to his desire or request, he is not taking it from someone outside?

What is important to you helps you to set your boundaries and what is important to you, stems from the kind of values you have. You must therefore have some boundaries in order to be respected and valued by others. No one respects who they can take advantage of, run over, or speak to anyhow. Guys prefer girls who would tell them “NO”, who would say, “sorry I am a virgin and I am keeping myself for marriage. No matter what you do, I am not going to give in to your demands or pressures.” They respect such people because they know even when they are not around, that person can be trusted. But if you think “because I offer myself to him all the time, he will not leave”. He’ll forget you like a bad habit! Sex does not keep a man! Why do you think you see men with lovely wives who still cheat outside? Because, it is not only sex that keeps him.

Proverbs 8 says “…that stolen water is sweet…” Pastor Taiwo once said, “When water begins to have taste, then you are in trouble, because water is tasteless.” Anybody who is fornicating now, once you legalise it, or get married to that man or woman, the desire is not strong anymore, because he/she has conquered what he/she wants to conquer. That’s why you have to set the boundaries of your life. Let us not take this for granted because it is so important that we set our boundaries. Even God set boundaries. The Bible says in Proverbs 8:29, “When He assigned to the sea its limit, so that waters would not transgress its command, when He mapped out the foundations of the earth”…those are boundaries. God established boundaries on what He would bless and what He would not bless. The Bible says,”If you are willing and obedient, you will eat the good of the land…” That is a boundary! If you do this, this is what will happen to you, is a boundary. So if God establishes boundary in dealing with human beings, human beings need to establish boundaries in dealing with one another. Therefore, because we are from various backgrounds and values we have been affected differently. The concept of our boundaries, what we can do to other people is obviously different.

For example, some people don’t find it wrong when a lady is passing and you whistle to call her attention. It’s clear that they grew up in that value system. For some, their fiancée has to be pregnant to know they can give birth before they exchange vows and knot the tie at the altar. For this guy, this irrational decision is based on his value system. We have one single value that comes from the scripture, that is “THE WORD OF GOD” and these are the values that we need to start doing to start being respected and effective in setting our boundaries. Don’t let people harm you anyhow. Live your life in such a way that you are not angered all the time. When people know that once they do this, they are going to annoy you, they won’t do it.

There are ways in which you can at least set boundaries for people. If you don’t tell them, they won’t know. You can start by telling people when you meet especially for the first time as such developing into friends. If someone does something for the first time, you can tell them that, “excuse me, if you do that, it hurts me.” By so doing, they know that it hurts you anytime they act in that manner.

Someone was talking to me sometimes ago, and kept nudging me while talking to me. The issue is that the person was passionate about what he was saying. But you can’t keep nudging me with every word you speak! So I said very politely with right intention, “You know something brother, I’d appreciate it if you keep your hands down. Don’t touch me when you talk.” That is a boundary that I have set. What would be the essence if the person keeps touching me and I am frowning? And at the same time, the person is trying to pass across something important to you and we are not listening. At the end of the day, the person goes with the impression that, that brother doesn’t even care, but you have set a boundary almost immediately that you’d appreciate it if he doesn’t touch you while talking. I helped him put his hands down, and we continued the conversation. He didn’t touch me again till we finished the conversation, and I heard everything he had to say. So you let people know and inform them of what you want. But a number of us keep it bottled in. We don’t say anything. When you inform them of what you want, you also request if the person doesn’t do it. Sometimes, some people keep doing things over and over again. At some point, you need to bring the big hammer. Though, we shout a lot in this part of the world. Notice that if a white man is annoyed he doesn’t raise his voice, he probably would tell you something sternly, but here we shout!

As Christians we have to be cultured. I have a boss who is very calm even when annoyed. Though, at some point you need to start by warning some people. For instance you are at the office working, then you pass and a guy whistles at you. Then you need to warn, you don’t need to shout, but you need to be stern. Because sometimes, if you do not stand for something you fall for anything. Therefore, take a stand today, right now.

There are some other things we need to know about building boundaries. The way you relate with people shows the kind of boundaries you are building. For example you are in a circle of friends and they begin to crack dirty jokes, engaging in idle talks and you start laughing with them that they believe you are part of them; then you have not created a boundary. But when they crack that joke, you should say, “Guys/girls, I would appreciate it if you do not say such things while I am around.” If they say it again, then you should say, “Guys/girls, I think I might have to leave right now.” They might call you names like pastor, SU, Madam Jesus or Father Jesus; but when you do that, you have set a boundary.

More so, the way you dress is a form of boundary and this goes especially to the woman folk.  It is said that, “The way dress is the way you will be addressed.” The man who says, there is a dressing for the harlot knew actually what he was saying. If you’ve seen prostitutes before, they do not wear maxi. They always dress in a way to say they are available, as in a “call girl” – notice me! When a woman dresses and leaves some things that are meant to be covered to public view, it is a serious issue. It depicts a woman without moral or ethical boundaries. A woman is not supposed to enhance some things rather she should be grateful about them. Some woman would dress in such a way that you dare not touch them. The way they have comported and composed themselves, when they say hello, you wait for them to even extend their hands because they are so graceful. You must understand that you are a queen in your own domain, don’t allow any man to rush into you anyhow. The way some people are dressed, what they say, how they say it, is like boundaries; so that people do not say wrong things to them or treat them wrongly/badly. But don’t have a chip on your shoulder.

Let people not be afraid to approach you. Let them see love even though you have built boundaries. Like I said, God created the boundary for seas. Every time the sea moves out of its boundary, it causes flooding. When it goes to other places beyond it boundaries, it causes a lot of problem. So, every time boundaries are crossed, there is a tendency for flooding, hurt, anger, negative emotions and eventually hatred. Don’t leave your friendships or relationships to assumptions.

Even at work, there are boundaries you should not cross. I remember when I first got married to my wife; I told her, “When you are annoyed about something, please don’t shout. Just tell me gently.” Because what was important to me was to keep my peace, happiness, throughout the day. I am a very happy person and I like to be happy throughout the day. I don’t like anything to upset that balance. I remember one occasion; this was like four or five years after our marriage. I came back from work, and the first thing I do usually is to wash my hands. Then she served me and said, “You know I am very annoyed with you.” I said in shock, “What did I do?” She said, “After you washed your hands, you just flung the water in your hands at me.” I apologized and she said, “Well you didn’t do it on purpose” and then both of us started laughing. Today, it is still a standing joke. It was so funny when I said I didn’t know. If I had not created that boundary that when you are annoyed about something, I would like you to discuss it rather than keep malice or hammer on it; maybe we will not have stayed healthy till today.

Boundaries keep friendships and relationships healthy. They make them grow. When people know what they need what they are expecting from you, what happens is that at the end of the day, both of you grow together. It brings growth into the relationships. So, it is not because you hate people that you set boundaries, rather, it’s because you love them. It is because you want them to grow together with you. It’s because you don’t want to hurt them or hurt yourself. It is because you want to take care of them and take care of yourself that’s why you set those border lines.

Always remember, the more people are intimate with you, the more they are likely to hurt you. Therefore, the more they need to know what to expect and what is expected of you. Don’t build walls and say people won’t get to me.

May the Lord help us in setting necessary helpful boundaries in the name of Jesus.

Let us sincerely look into our lives, the relationships we keep, the boundaries that have been crossed, the things that are hurting us and things that are not going right because people do not know that boundaries need to be set. And let us start to re-appraise the situation. This will help us to build better friendships, relationships and the Lord will help us to do it in Jesus name.

Perhaps, you have not surrendered your life to Jesus Christ, you have not had an experience of salvation, you have never enjoyed the Presence of God’s Spirit in your life; I wish to invite you t Jesus today. All that I discussed with you above here can only be attained through the help of the Holy Spirit, because by strength shall no man prevail…Not by strength nor by might, but by My Spirit says the Lord.

I want you to accept Jesus as your Lord and Saviour, confess your sins to Him right away and ask for forgiveness. I want you to say this prayer with me:

“Lord Jesus, I am a sinner. Please come into my life and forgive me all my sins. I believe You died for my sins and rose from the dead. Now, fill me with Your Spirit and guide me from this day forward. Thank You Lord for loving me. Amen.”

Go over these messages (Part1 and Part 2).

Kindly post your comments, questions, requests and views below here. Hoping to hear from you.

Shalom.

Share this

THE CONFIDENT SINGLES