WHEN AND HOW TO BREAK UP A RELATIONSHIP

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

Amos 3:3; 1Thess.5:21

When you are in a relationship and things aren’t working well, you are sure you aren’t going in a right, godly direction. I mean if you can’t see the future in your relationship, then you should go for a break-up.
Breaking-up is a reversing of the fusion process or reaction and is usually done by applying pressure and intense heat which will initiate the reversal reaction.
There is a process towards breaking-up an established relationship.
You need not to force things when they aren’t working out.
Break-up is usually painful and very hurtful. The reason for this is because it takes intense heat and high pressure to break up two wedged metal or two fused objects (the fusing of two hearts, emotions, spirit and physique…) and when sheared apart becomes painful.
Sex is the consummation of fusing together two hearts. Don’t consummate the togetherness until when you get married.
Break-ups could be very devastating to anyone just like when you lose a loved one to death. When you break-up, feelings are never the same again. At times, one gets hurt than the other. You need to break-up in the right way if breaking up is necessary. The time to break up is not the time to accuse your partner, but to look inward first and see if you have a course to the necessity of the break-up. It takes two to tangle; while one takes an active role, the other may take a passive role. The more reason you need to firstly look inward and ask yourself what you have not done rightly, where you have missed it and your roles in the courses that is necessitating a break-up. You need to be absolutely sincere that the best solution is a break-up.

Think before you do so that you will not later say what have I done.

Avoid threatening your partner with intention to break-up when you don’t mean it.
Ask yourself the following questions whenever you think of breaking up your relationship:
1. Why do I want to break-up?
2. Is it his/her characters, behaviours or attitudes that necessitate it?
3. Is there anyone in his/her life other than I? That is, does he/she has someone else in mind for a relationship other than I?
4. Are there any unresolved differences, disagreements, quarrels or unforgiveness (offences)?
5. Is it the mistake(s) that he/she committed that he/she is not ready to apologize and feel sorry about?


CAUSES

WEAKNESS: Unresolved weakness could lead to a break-up in a relationship. Everyone has his/her weaknesses as well as strengths. If your weaknesses are persistent flaws, they are strong enough to break-up your relationship. So, you need to discover your weaknesses and work on them.

INCOMPATIBILITY: Some people are not just compatible; in terms of their social life, intellect, spiritual life, emotional life, health and sexual needs, etc. At least there must be a common ground where both of you agree and decide on the directions for your journey. I mean salient agreements which cannot be compromised to build a healthy relationship. When this is missing, break up is usually the result. More importantly, break up results when the two partners discover that their blood genotype will result into a sickle cell and are not ready to take the risk of raising sickle cell child/children. That is, both have blood genotype of AS or SS or one is AS while the other is SS.

LYING: An Inconsistent person can provoke disagreement which can lead to the breaking up of a relationship. Insincerity, unfaithfulness and falsehood are serious causes of break-up. Nobody wants to marry someone he/she can’t trust or who isn’t sincere and truthful.

UNFAITHFULNESS AND INFIDELITY: Lack of trust in a relationship will lead to break-up. A partner who is always indulging in lying, deceit and the likes is only planning for a break-up. Also, a partner keeping another relationship with someone else is outrightly infidel and unfaithful. This is a form of fornication or lust and will definitely leads to break-up if not coupled with hatred and unforgiveness.

POOR COMMUNICATION: Every relationship is usually sustained by consistent communication (verbal and non-verbal). When communication is destroyed in a relationship, that is, when either of you stop communication, your relationship is heading for a break-up. This is because one of the attitudes of love is that love speaks. Love has its language and must be discovered so that your communication will be a right one.

LACK OF COMMITMENT: Relationship is about two people learning under divine tutelage to becoming one in Christ so as to fulfill divine purpose. Therefore, lack of mutual commitment to seeing the growth of the relationship usually results into a break-up. A situation where one of the partners give and give and give without a commensurate act from the other causes weariness and usually results into break-up. Prov.30:15a. None of the two partners should be a leech or parasite while the other one is the host. A situation like this is as a result of under-commitment. There must be an equal commitment to make the relationship work out successfully. By this I mean equal commitment to each other in all ramifications of life. A successful relationship requires two fully committed persons who are willing to be equally committed.

WHEN TO BREAK UP A RELATIONSHIP

The following are critical pointers or indicators to determining the time to break up your relationship and let go your partner:

1. Yoked with unbeliever: The moment you discover your partner is not a believer or doesn’t accept your faith and not ready to practice your belief system, go for a break up. Amos 3:3; 2Cor.6:14-17. There can never be an agreement or common ground between a believer and an unbeliever, go for a separation immediately without any hesitation.

2. Divided Vision: When you don’t share same vision, both of you can’t think in the same direction and there will always be conflicts of interests, that is, disagreement will characterize your moments of togetherness. Amos 3:3.

3. Sins: When both of you indulge in unrepentant sins like fornication, lying, drinking, smoking, theft, deceitfulness, covetousness, etc; or it’s your partner that is indulging in any form of sin or ungodliness, break up is necessary. 1Cor.6:15-20. This will become a habit and you are definitely set for problems in marriage. Sins break the heart of man from God and disconnect him for his Maker. More so, as soon as you discover that your partner is no longer passionate and devoted to God, loses personal intimacy with God in prayers, quite time and consecrated service to God; go for a break-up. Broken relationship is better than a broken marriage. Chances are high that someone who is highly devoted to God while in relationship will continue together with you after you are married than otherwise.

4. Physical or Sexual Abuse: If your partner is fond of beating you, abuse you or uncontrollably get angry once you quarrel or there is misunderstanding; it’s a strong indication for a break-up. Also, should your partner sexually abuse you – rape you or sexually mishandle you, go for a break-up because that is a sign of lust not love; hatred and selfishness. True love waits. 2Sam.13:1-18.

5. Cheating: Should your partner cheat you, as in, keep an undisclosed relationship with someone else, have sex with someone or sexually abuse someone; go for a break-up. It is act unfaithfulness and someone who isn’t faithful in a relationship can never be faithful in marriage. Relationship is a time to learn so many things so as to practice them in marriage. When you learn wrong values in relationship, you practice wrong values in marriage.

6. Secretive or Unopen-minded: If you discover that your partner keeps secrets and is not always ready to disclose them, perhaps of his past misbehaviours or future pursuits and plans; the best thing to do is to break-up. How will you understand so as to live together with someone who will not share his/her heart with you, no matter how painful or great it may be?

7. Lack of feelings, emotions and passion: Should you discover that your partner has lost his/her feelings, emotions and passion for you and the love you share, go for a break-up. Such will result into boredom, weariness and idleness. Remember that, idle hands are the devil’s tools or instruments. He/she will not be able to meet your emotional and perhaps physical demands in marriage.

8. Unwillingness to compromise: No one is ready to compromise things you exclusively cherish. But for the sake of your relationship, if your partner is not willing to compromise smaller or insignificant issues and values for a bigger and more serious ones that will edify and build your relationship, go for a break-up.

9. Health Incompatibility: The health condition of the two partners in a relationship is paramount to the longetivity of the relationship. No one will ever dream of getting into a relationship that will not last, rather be cut short after marriage as a result of health failures such as sickle cell disease, AIDS (HIV+), or any other terminal diseases. These could be hereditary or contacted as a result of infidelity and carelessness. Therefore, when you discover that your partner’s blood genotype is incompatible with yours (that is, AS or SS and yours is either of these too – when you cross these genotypes the probability of giving birth to SS is between 1 of 4 babies to 2 of 4 babies); it is most advisable you go for a break up. The exception is this, if your faith is strong enough to assure that you won’t bring-forth sickle cell babies to nurse. Raising a child with sickle cell disease is usually painful and unbearable. So, it is very very important (highly emphasized) that both of you go for different medical tests such as HIV test, blood test, etc so as to properly ascertain the health conditions of each other.

9. Incessant or intermittent conflicts without any resolution or mutual understanding: This is often caused as a result of selfishness and unwillingness to accept each other the way you are. Everything about relationship is mutual. If you notice there are unresolved issues, challenges, conflicts or quarrels that pose threats to your visions and dreams or pursuits and purpose, go for a break-up. A nagging partner will do worse in marriage. Make sure you discuss all issues together to avoid any form of assumptions or skepticism and settle all unrealistic expectations. It could point to the cause of the conflicts.

10. Bad habits, characters, attitudes and values: When you discover that your partner has some habits, attitudes and values (not necessary bad ones) that you aren’t ready to compromise, go for a break-up. Marriage is not for you to endure but to enjoy. Make a list of the values (value list), attitudes and habits you desire in your partner and if he/she is lacking in any and you aren’t ready to compromise them, it best to call it a quit, else you may live to regret in unremarkable endurance while you ought to be enjoying.

Ensure that you take time to think over and over again and settle these issues with God in prayers and in your communion with Him so as to be confident to making the right decision on breaking up. Also, ask for the opinions and counsels of trusted people who could be trusted friends, parents, marriage counselors, Pastors, siblings and other relatives. Prov.15:22; 20:18; 27:9b.

HOW TO BREAK UP A RELATIONSHIP

It is a different thing to discover the necessity of a break-up in a relationship and another thing to know how to break up. There are proper ways you must follow to break up your relationship when the need arises so as not to cause an eternal hatred or destruction of the live of your partner. You were friends before you decided to start the relationship, you should try and ensure that you remain friends after you might have broken up. You should be able to see each other in the future and exchange pleasantries.
The following are few steps on how to break up a relationship that isn’t working out:
1. Don’t delay your decision to break up. The more you delay, the more you lose the power to act.
2. Don’t use manipulative means to break up. Avoid ambiguous words or presentation of your decision. Don’t present it in an indirect way and watch the choice of your language or words. Don’t be rude or abusive. Be respectful and harmless in your presentation. Don’t curse him/her, blame or accuse for whatever reason that informed and necessitated your decision. Talk to him/her in love and help him/her keep his/her self-worth.
3. Don’t make your partner feel bad as if he/she is the worst sinner in the whole universe.
4. Choose an appropriate time and place. Don’t choose a public place like church, fellowship meeting or gathering where either or both of your friends are present. Don’t choose a hide-out (as your rendezvous), close places where both of you are alone and dark places like night corners. Stay at the eyes-range of people passing by or around you.
5. Dress smartly and godly. Don’t wear sexually suggestive clothes to meet him/her for a break-up to avoid every form of temptation.
6. Don’t ignite pseudo-expectations on your decisions. Don’t ignite wrong feelings or emotions contrary to your decisions.
7. Don’t raise his/her hopes about the relationship you have decided to call a quit. That is, don’t say what you don’t intend.
8. Don’t send text messages, e-mail, e-notes, fax, voice message, postage or call on phone to break up. You didn’t propose or accept the proposal for your relationship through text, voice messages or phone calls, so don’t quit or break up through any of these means.
9. Don’t send a third party (whoever it maybe – not even trusted friends or counselors) to carry out the break up. Do it in person so as to clarify each other’s honesty’s nest (issues) if need be.
10. Be bold and confident about your decision.
11. Be honest with your decision. Imagine if you break up for a different reason you told him/her and he/she later found out the truth, you will become a liar and may stir up unforgiving spirit or damage emotions.
12. Be sensitive and observant to his/her emotions when you meet to talk.
13. Don’t ignite an argument so as to break up. Never break up during an argument. You will have said you are breaking up several times without sincerely intending it. This will make you become inconsistent and perhaps a liar. And if you finally do during an argument, you may live to regret such decision because you didn’t take time to think on your decision. Such decision is rather too hasty.
14. Just be sincere with your intention, don’t hide your feelings. Be firm with your decision, let your yes be yes and your no be no. James 5:12. Let him/her know that you aren’t going to change your mind on your right decision. Don’t give in to false pleas, apologies or cries. Remember you went through a process in other to ascertain your decision on breaking up.
15. Be emotionally balanced. Never break up when you aren’t emotionally strong, that is, when you are emotionally weak. It may cost you a life’s fortune.
16. Make a clean break up. Don’t keep relics of him/her around you after you break up - relics like photos, mails or messages, gifts, etc. This may hinder your emotional healing process from the break up. Take a full break from calling and seeing each other or any other thing that may re-ignite passion and strong feelings for each other.
17. When you are breaking up, don’t ask for a break, but a separation. There is a difference between taking a break and being separated. Taking a break is asking for a time to think or re-think, but you are still together in the relationship. Just like asking for a space for proper breathing. Truly, commitment and communication will reduce but not taking away totally in such case. But when you ask for a separation, you actually demand a final dissolution, pulling apart and unsealing of your relationship. Here, commitment and communication are destroyed.
18. Meditate on the word of God and let God instruct you from His word. Ps.37:3-7.
19. Neglect people’s comments or gossips and continue in God’s comfort.
20. When it is hard to say goodbye, hold on to God. Most times, it is hard to say good; the more reason you need to lean on God. Prov.3:3-5. God has a way of taking you through the healing process and perfect His will in you.
21. Don’t rush into another relationship immediately you break up no matter how you feel. Take time to heal your brokenness and learn from your mistakes and past experiences from the former relationship so as not to repeat the same mistakes.
22. Always hope that your new relationship will be better than your past experience.
23. Don’t be desperate for another relationship, else you will choose wrongly and enter into a wrong relationship. Any relationship based on desperation is sub-optimal.

Remember this; broken relationship is better than a broken marriage or divorce. Marriage is not to be endured but to be fully enjoyed. 1Tim.6:17c.

Whatever relationship or covenants you have with a wrong partner, I strongly advice you to come out of it today and separate yourself from him/her. 2Cor.6:17. Consider all that we have discussed today, which you have read above and make a right choice now.

PRAYER

If you have experienced brokenness from your past relationship, I pray that God will give you strength and grace for quick and complete healing.


I believe these outlined guidelines will help you to make a proper evaluation of your relationship and the decisions you have made or about to make on it.

Intensify your relationship with God. He alone knows the way through the wilderness.

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