THINGS THAT KILL RELATIONSHIPS OR MARRIAGES (PART 2)

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

(President, The Singles and Married Fellowship, The Fountain of Life Church, Lagos)

Healthy Relationship

6.    STAGNANCY:         This also kills relationships. Any river that doesn’t have things flowing into or out of it will eventually accumulate dirt. This is typical of the dead sea. As a human being, you are supposed to keep flowing; your life - your heart is supposed to keep flowing. Things are supposed to keep flowing from out of you. The Bible says, “…out of us shall flow rivers of living waters…” But, when you stop flowing, what happens is that you start becoming dead. If you are in a relationship where there is no mutual flow, you will both become dead. You need to let things flow from you; from your spirit, soul and the physical part, not sleeping together. You bless your people out of the abundance God has given you, that’s why you buy gifts for people.

It is so amazing that you see two people who are crazy about themselves at outset. After a while, they begin to take that relationship for granted.

Tell a woman “I love you” four times a day. And when you are telling her, say it in a different way. Be spontaneous. Don’t just be one way. I tell brothers that for you to have a good marriage, you must be more romantic than your wife. You must be willing to give more in that marriage or relationship. If you want to tell her “I love you”, tell her in four different ways during the day. Some men would say, “…but you know that I love you now, why do I have to say it again…?” Those sixteen words are more than just the three words. Spontaneity is a thing that ignites relationships.

I have a book I do bring to church, where I write notes at home and all that. One day, I was opening this book because I write in it constantly, bible readings, my meditations and so on. So I opened to a point one day and I saw “…my one and my only, to the one who makes me believe in becoming who He has called me. My one and only, you’ve loved me, you’ve helped me to reach for the stars. You make me strong, make my heart soar and I will want to say thank you…Thank you my one and only…” as I read this, my heart leaped! “My wife wrote that?” I asked. That’s spontaneity, thinking of you in a different way.

But when you sit down and just face one direction, just like having two metals rubbing against each other, if you do not oil it constantly, it begins to rust; and once it rusts, it can’t move very well. Then, wearing or tearing will occur. You’ll understand especially what I am saying when you get married, because when you get married you say, “well I am in it now”; you stop buying the cards, you stop sending the flowers, although, most African women don’t like flowers. There are some things you stop sending because you say well the person is here now. Don’t let it be like that. A relationship after a while can actually be neutral; you are just making the runs. But what God wants for you in every relationship is for you to move from one level of glory to another level of glory. In year one, this was your level of happiness, year three you have moved to another level, year ten to another, year fifteen and so on. You can look at yourself and say “this guy or this lady, I love you…” But some people get to that year three of happiness and they have the same experience over and over again.

Bring humour into your marriage, visit the cinemas together, spend time alone, let there be things that you do out of the ordinary. Don’t let there be stagnancy in your marriage. Ask the Holy Spirit “What can I do.” Forget those people who tell you there is no romance without finance. You can actually by the things you do ask the Holy Spirit what exactly you can do to improve the quality of your relationship. Some people waste time concentrating on the mistakes or flaws of their partners. The Bible says,”…remove the log in your eye before you can see the speck in your neighbour’s eye…” Many people have logs in their eyes, but they see the splinter in the eyes of their partner. If you are in a relationship, you are not supposed to bring your partner down. Yes, he or she can make mistakes and he or she is not perfect, but you are not supposed to emphasize hi or her imperfections; rather help out. That’s why you have come to compliment each other. Where he or she is weak, you pull him or her up and vice versa. When he or she is weak, if you press him or her down, what you have done is to that you press yourself down.

Someone  once said, to see our own flaws, is usually difficult. There is a message Pastor Bimbo preached sometimes ago titled, “The known self, the unknown self and the blind self.” There are some things that you can’t see about yourself that only others can see. She put it like this, “…to see your own flaws is difficult, to see others flaws is easy. This is because, seeing and conquering our own flaws require inner strength and awareness, whereas, seeing others flaws involves forcing on others our own opinion of how they should be…” When you see the flaws inside of you, it takes a lot of energy to work it through, but when you see the flaws of others, it is easy to say “…ah you shouldn’t be doing that…” because you can just force your opinion on them. But, there are some things you are battling with. If they have flaws, you can help them.

One requires inner strength and the other requires force. To change yourself requires inner strength, but to change someone else requires force. The former requires the lessening of ego, while the latter builds the ego. The problem is, in order to build one’s ego in a relationship, usually, it requires tearing down the other’s ego; so that you can say, “…well, I am on top now…” The essence should not be building either your ego or your partner’s ego, but building mutual respect and love. And the best way to do this is through complete trust with each other, achieving mutual goals together. Don’t shout about the flaws in your partner, and try to correct him or her in such a way that he or she will see how the flaw can be mended.

This is the balance. If you are in a relationship, if you see a flaw in your partner and you think it is a flaw he or she can correct, find a respectful and polite way to tell him or her with love, so that he or she can correct it. But if it is a flaw he or she can correct but is unwilling to correct, you need to be careful about getting married to such a person. It can be corrected but he or she is not willing to take a step. Don’t say that is how you are or that is how you were created, that you cannot be bent or changed. You must be willing to marry someone who is flexible and not a dangerous person who says “…I DON’T CHANGE MY MIND…” because if there is superior information, you should be able to change your mind. Don’t say “…once I have said it…that’s it…!” Are you God?

7.    COMPETITION:       About competing with your partner. You are in a relationship, nobody is the enemy. You need to know that there is a common enemy that you are both fighting; that is, the devil. But, once you make your spouse the enemy, you cannot move in the level of agreement and relationship requires agreement. The Bible says that, “…can two work together except they both agree?” Therefore, do not put yourself in the level of competition wanting to out-do your spouse.

This brings me to the issue of earnings power, how you earn. There are three things that also spoil a marriage. There is a book called “Sex Communication and Money”. I recommend it for you to read. Money can easily bring down your marriage or relationship if you do not know to handle it. Some people would ask if you can have joint accounts, you don’t have to. As a lady you probably earn more than your spouse, it is not a problem if you understand that both of you are in a covenant. You hear some ladies say, “…what is his is his and what is mine is mine…” that’s not marriage! What is his is hers and what is hers is his. This is not the era were you totally depend on him instead, both of you are working together to achieve a common goal.

Your successes are his successes and vice versa. If your husband or your spouse is not in the place he should be currently, pray him into his position. Go before God and pray for God to open the doors for him, put him before the throne of God boldly every morning, you would see things change for him. So do not let us compete or fight with ourselves, let us work together to achieve a mutual objective.

Some guys because you do not have a car, it is the beginning and not the end. That’s where you have started, you see a lady in a lovely car, and because you do not have a car, you begin to down play yourself and judge the lady falsely. You have actually relegated yourself to that position immediately, you’ve put yourself down that at the end of the day, you can’t get her for friendship. You are not supposed to just go immediately to tell her you want to marry her, but you can actually start by becoming her friend. What she is looking for is a mentor, a leader; someone who has qualities of being a father not someone who can drive a car. I tell some ladies, make yourself approachable, but also put up a boundary. Some people once you see them you already conclude that you cannot say hello to them. Simply because they have chips on their shoulders, the way they walk. They chase guys away by the way they look at them. It is not where you are that makes you”you”, it is what is inside of you that makes you who you are.

8.    INFIDELITY: This is usually the biggest thing that ruins marriages and relationships.  Cheating on your partner and having an affair outside your relationship or marriage are good examples of infidelity. This can emotionally destroy your partner.

When you are committed to someone in a relationship, it means that every other person is off limits. The bible says that, “…drink water out of your own cistern…” Another version says, ”…stolen water is sweet…” By the time water begins to have taste, you are in trouble, because water is tasteless. When you are in a relationship, whatever you hide to do, once you legalize your union and tie the knots, you become disinterested. Anyone who goes out cheating on his or her partner, if you are to marry the person you are cheating on, the marriage will surely become uninteresting. Why? Because you are a cheat. You need to understand that when you commit to somebody especially in marriage, it is a blood covenant that does not allow any other person. What usually happens is that when you break a covenant, death is the result and therefore a number of people are dying and they do not know.

Abimelech took the wife of Abraham out of ignorance. At night, God came to him and told him, “You are but a dead man because you are still breathing you think you are alive, because the person that you have is a wife of somebody.” Genesis 20:3 (Paraphrased).

Therefore, we are not allowed to go outside that covenant when we get married. You need to concentrate especially as a man, when you get married limit your sexual exposures. What are you going to do on lunch breaks with Mrs. X. You might say you just enjoy each other’s company, rather enjoy the company of your wife! If you are going out with another woman or lady (during lunch breaks), you would be bonding. Limit other people, put barriers or boundaries.

When I was going out with my wife before we got married, I had to take someone out on a date, I had promised this person that I was going to take her out some months back. I had to ask the Holy Spirit to help me know what to tell my wife to be so she wouldn’t have the wrong impression. When we placed our orders, I asked for Fanta drink and she ordered for Coke drink. Then I said, “It’s like ladies like coke, because my girlfriend also prefers coke…” Immediately I mentioned “my girlfriend” she acted as if she didn’t hear what I said. Something came up again and I said “…if you know what my girlfriend said…” and so I broke everything.

You need to know that temptation thrives in secrecy. If you are in a relationship, you need to let people around you know so that you can create meaningful and reasonable boundaries.

Put down the things you want in a woman. Ask your self aincerely, “What do I require in a man, a man that would be a man not just a boy?” Look for it, as you relate with people, you will see it in their lives. But when you too hasty, what happens at the end of the day is that you do not get the right things for your life. You have sowed a seed you definitely would reap the harvest. Let us be truthful. Don’t let us create emotional wreck, or havoc for people that we are relating with. If you see people who their husbands or their wives have gone into infidelity, they are broken, because trust is broken. Even Hollywood stars fight it because they do not like it. So, let us work on these things. If we are able to stamp out these things in our lives or relationships, we would see things move the right way.

THINGS THAT KILL RELATIONSHIPS OR MARRIAGES (PART 1)

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

(President, The Singles and Married Fellowship, The Fountain of Life Church, Lagos)

Can two ride together except they agree?

The rules of relationships that are true in courtship are also true when you get married. And when you are able to stay away from things that kill your relationships, it will help you build a bigger, better, robust and a deeper relationship.

Proverbs 24:3-4 “Through wisdom a house is built and by understanding it is established by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.” For you to have something established in life, be it a home or a life; for whatever you are involved in to be established, for it to move so that it is well rooted and well grounded, not shaking by any storm so that any little shaking it falls, for you to have something that is deep, you’ll require wisdom.

Wisdom is the application of knowledge and understanding is the crossover between wisdom and knowledge. Therefore, when you have knowledge, you need to have wisdom and understanding is in the middle. For you to say something has become wisdom you have understood the knowledge and you have applied it. And that’s what we teach here, to get you wisdom for your life and wisdom for your relationships. You therefore want to be established in life and whatever ventures you go into, you need wisdom.

You see the wisdom that you need is the wisdom that is from above. The Bible says that the spirit of man is the candle of the Lord. The Bible also says that it is only God that can unravel mysteries. That sometimes things are concealed but it is only God that can unravel it and therefore when you launch into the wisdom of God it begins to show you some things that are hidden, that the ordinary eye cannot see because they are mysteries. Mysteries are not meant to be hidden from us, but they are. Therefore, if hidden, wisdom therefore becomes a treasure that we should look for, that we need to use our lives to seek and if we do not seek wisdom, what happens is that we cross over to foolishness. We are prone to making mistakes. It is not about making the mistakes; it is about the gravity of the mistakes you make sometimes.

Consider these killers:

1.    IGNORANCE:          Ignorance is now not an excuse because there is a place you go for wisdom. Some mistakes are easily rectifiable, while some other ones are not. In fact, till you die and leave the surface of the earth, it is possible that those uncorrectable mistakes will continue to stare at you and perhaps, haunt you. God would have forgiven you, but they have left scars in your life. And that’s why we need to make sure that we get proper wisdom to act rather than to rush at things or say “I cannot hold my body” and the likes. One careless thing that you go into, one minute of a mistake that you would make could affect your life throughout. At the same time, you could take a decision, I mean a very good decision and at the end of the day you are happy for it. Why? Because you consulted the right place, you got the right knowledge, you understood it and therefore it establishes you. The Bible says “… by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.” You want precious and pleasant riches. Not only physical cash, not only houses, not only gold and silver. Do you know that as you grow up, you get married, have children, your children are doing very well, and they are not giving you problems; it’s pleasant and precious riches? Do you know that for you to eat the right things because you have knowledge that some things would affect your body - that is knowledge. That your body doesn’t slow down, some things don’t give you heart attack, it is pleasant and precious riches! Which means the knowledge you get is very critical and therefore the wisdom we are sharing here today are the things that when you do, when you follow step by step, it has the capacity to ensure that your marriage, your relationships are filled with pleasant and precious riches.

Most of the things that can ruin our relationships are completely preventable and avoidable if only we take some few steps, are a bit more patient and seek for knowledge. Without knowledge, we can be assured that some people will perish at the end of the day. So for you to have a good marriage or relationship, you must give it adequate time and you must invest time in getting adequate knowledge and wisdom. When you do not invest time, you are looking for trouble. You must be able to trust your partner and trust is earned, not given.

2.    SELFISHNESS:      You must have regard for your partner’s feelings. It is not all about you, but about what you are going to give in that relationship. You must have regard about how he or she feels. For some people, if they do something and it hurts the world but makes them feel good it is alright! But No! Sometimes when you do some things it doesn’t make other people feel good.

3.    ARGUMENT:           In your relationship, you can disagree but don’t argue. Arguing rather than disagreeing can spoil your marriage. Argument often results to conflict and compromise can never be reached. Anytime you have two people in a relationship, no matter where they are, for any period of time, you can be sure that a little conflict is going to occur. There are some things that you like, there are some nuance that you have that the other party doesn’t have and so might step on you if you are not careful (at times even if you are most careful). Boundaries would help you put people in the right position to help them know what they should expect from you and what you expect from them, so that you wouldn’t get into a lot of conflicts at all times. It’s not that every conflict is bad, most just show what you like and what you dislike. Nobody goes out deliberately to offend, except you are an evil.

Therefore, there is something he or she probably did not know or overlooked, he or she took a decision and you did not like it. That is why you must understand how people think, don’t just assume things and take offence. Conflict is a natural phenomenon, so when you are in a relationship, remember that we are all products of influences. There are different ways we see things, and therefore when you don’t see things in the same direction, what happens is that there is a conflict.

It is healthy to have conflicts. But you should discuss out your conflicts rather than argue them out, so as to reach a mutual compromise. By this, you will get the air cleared and it is enlightening. So, you are able to know what makes your partner unhappy, and when you know it, you can address it, or fix it. That is why, when you are in a relationship and you are offended, bare your mind out don’t just keep quiet. Because, even if your partner has the gift of discerning spirit, he or she would not know the nitty-gritty of the cause.

4.    ANGER:        Anger takes a lot of energy, I’m sure when they measure your blood pressure anytime you are angry, it rises. If it is a relationship, you need to relate together. You need to know what makes you partner unhappy, then when you are looking at one thing in different directions you need to know that, and not argue. Argument is “YOU ARE WRONG and I AM RIGHT!” You always want to win an argument, that’s what makes it an argument.

In an argument what you have is that somebody wins. It’s like a debate! So you bring all sorts of things to bare in that argument. At times, you will have to as to ensure that you win the argument. Let me ask you this; after you have won the argument, do you feel good? And when you feel good what happens? You have not solved anything. Women do this a lot. If you are in a relationship and your partner tells you, “Roseline, I would like that you don’t do that again.” The next thing you would hear is, “You too, last week you did this…you did that...” Forget last week, currently, this thing you are doing is not good. Don’t be defensive when you are corrected. Don’t bring out all your guard. Your partner is there to improve you and vice versa. You are there to improve each other, and therefore if there are things he or she does not like, you need to know why exactly he or she does not like them, or why he or she does what he or she does.

Each time you argue, you bring in a lot of pressure into your relationship and at the end of the day, anyone you argue with consistently, it is difficult for you to love them and earn their trust. It is difficult for a positive energy to come out of an argument. But you can disagree to agree. There could be something both of you do not like or something someone likes and the other doesn’t. Ask yourself, if I give in, what’s going to happen?

But when you sit down with the quarrel or when you meditate on offences, you take deeper horrible things and decisions. You are meditating on negative energy. If you are not careful, the argument would become a war. That’s why you have people in the same house, for three months, they don’t greet themselves, because, argument often results into strive, malice, hatred and poor (lack of) communication; this eventually may lead to break-up or divorce  marriage. When communication stops, relationship stops, love stops.

There was this fellow who had a problem with his wife, so they were not talking. The only way they communicated was by writing notes e.g. “good morning…where is my food…on the table…” One evening, the husband wrote, “Wake me up by 5am, I have an interview,” The wife replied “…ok…” and they went to sleep. At 9 o’clock, the man suddenly woke up and cried, “It is 9 o’clock, you didn’t wake me up!” The woman made him look at the paper by his side that said “Wake up!”

Now nobody wins at the end of the day when you fight. When there are issues, don’t let them break you two apart. It is excessive conflicts that have ruined a lot of relationships. When you are annoyed and there is a conflict, be careful what you say. It is said that, “words are like eggs, once you drop them, you can’t put them together.” When you are annoyed that is when to keep your mouth shut in a relationship, because what you say would go a long way than you can ever imagine. There are some things you cannot say sorry for, even when you say sorry, you’ll continue to think of it years to come. People fight and you hear in a marriage someone saying, “I regret the day I married you.” Never let that come out of your mouth. Yes, you may be annoyed, the situation may warrant something at that time that you want people to see what your partner has done to hurt you, but never ever say you regret the day you married your partner. Please, those are deep words that even when you say “I’m sorry I said that…”, two years down the line it would still come up in your mind. You can say something so hurtful and it could be a crack that you have put in that relationship which you may not be able to be mended again in life.

5.    DEFILEMENT:         When you argue, especially when you get married, please let me share this wisdom with you. The Bible says that, “…marriage is honourable the bed undefiled...” Most people think the bed undefiled here means not sleeping together. It means so only before you get married. But, it also means when you get married, don’t defile your bed with offence, wrought, malice, etc. And when you do that, the bible says, “…when the edge is broken, the serpent will strike.” Some people are killed because their husbands covering left them. Some people are destroyed because they were not in agreement with their spouses at a point in time. I can assure you it is true.

I have a personal testimony. (The first and the last time that I ever did it.) I remember there was a particular evening, I was so livid because of what my wife did and it has never happened to me before, so I just turned and slept off. The next morning, I was still boiling. I didn’t know it could happen and I just got dressed up for church as It was a Sunday morning and left the room for the sitting room. About five minutes later, my wife was screaming my name, I was like, so why is she calling me screaming my name? I refused to answer. But you see, I just said I should check on what was up, my wife was pregnant at that time and you know some what, she almost had a miscarriage that morning! I said silly me what have you done? I said you know something, “I am sorry, this is what I am feeling...” We discussed it over, we prayed together and she had that baby later. Not that same day, but it stopped.

I have a friend who is a Christ-believer. I was sharing this with him, he said, he had the same experience, that he had a problem with his wife and his wife said, “I am going out…“ and he said, go wherever you want you want to go.” Two minutes later he got a call from his wife saying she was involved in an accident. He said when he saw the crash, he was like, “what have I done?” The enemy is always looking for loop holes to attack and therefore you need to be careful, discuss things over, that’s why be quiet don’t shout or scream. It seems as if it is an African thing to shout. People can know that you are annoyed without shouting. If you are annoyed or there is an issue, walk away, think about it, present your case and talk about it. The Bible says “…a gentle tongue can break a bone…” It can turn away wrath. The Bible says, the mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life. It also says we should minister grace. When you are talking to people, discuss with respect. When a lady is discussing an issue, she wants to talk it over! But men like to sweep things under the carpet. Women are detailed. If as a man you don’t have anything to say, just listen. Don’t just blow away the discussion. When you do, she will think that you don’t just want to discuss it or you don’t care.

NB: Read the  conclusion (Part 2) in the next post...

SETTING BOUNDARIES (PART 2)

Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

(President, The Singles and Married Fellowship, Fountain of Life Church, Lagos Nigeria)

For someone you do not know, a total stranger, it is a big circle of friendship. For instance, I do not expect to meet someone today and the first thing I want to do is to hug the person. That is stepping out of boundary. I do not expect to meet someone for the first time casually and the first thing I want is the person’s phone number, except it is a business relationship, or perhaps while you were talking to that person, something developed in that regard. Ironically, you hear people who meet someone for just three minutes and the first thing they want is “Can I have your phone number? You’ve already typed it in…” This is crossing the boundary. For someone you are just meeting for the first time, a total stranger, it is a big circle for the duo.

The more people know you, the more the circle reduces and the circumference reduces as well; and as this happens, the more people get closer to you, the more you also need to set boundaries. Because the closer people are to you, the more they can hurt you. If you are driving and someone on the road says to you that, “Your head is not correct,” you just look at the person and say, ‘I don’t know you, I wont meet you again,’ it may pain you a little but you let it go. But if it is your fiancée that says, “Do you know what you just did show that your head is not correct.” It will hurt you severely. This is simply because the more people get closer to you, the boundary is reduced; but the more they can hurt you.

Using an illustration where two people stand at opposite ends in a circle, if one takes a step towards the other, the second person also takes a step forward, the circumference reduces, in no time, you can hit yourselves because the boundary has reduced. That is why when you get married to someone, what happens is that both of you become so close (like knitting two objects together into one entity or a kind of fusion), that even in that togetherness you need to create space. Even though your partner is so close to you, he/she is not allowed to step on you and he/she should know that. But if he/she doesn’t know and he/she steps on you and you accuse him/her…because he/she actually didn’t know, it wouldn’t be his/her fault. The same goes for friendship.

It’s good to define your boundaries and let your friends or friends to be know them. This is like setting rules for a game.”If you love me you let me know what you expect of me and if I love you I would let you know what I expect of you.” That is just it.  All relationships walk harmoniously when everyone in the relationship knows what to expect and what is expected of them. But if we start relationships without giving expectations, we live our lives based on assumptions it is wrong. When you set boundaries, it reduces chances of friction or hurts because both of you know your limits.

Another flip side to this is developing yourself spiritually. Develop the fruit of the spirit inside of you so that you do not react to everything. What is a boundary? A boundary is a dividing line between you and someone else. It is amazing that we learn how to put boundaries as a kid in your classroom but in developing relationships we fail to put boundaries in place. It is a dividing line between you and someone else, even someone you love. The line is both physical and emotional limits that you may not violate. When the line is crossed by others, it would create feelings of anger, hurt or outrage. To set your boundaries is to stop anyone including the ones you love from crossing the line with you. Someone said, “Before I married my husband I set two solid boundaries, I said I would not tolerate physical or emotional abuse, I said I would not tolerate you cheating on me or any form of infidelity. I made it very clear that if either of both boundaries were crossed, it would have consequences. He listened. He understood my boundaries, and honoured them. We have been happily married for 24 years now. Someone also said, “While we were courting, I told him I would not like you to come to my house after 8pm, I would not like you to touch me in a way that is provocative.” These are boundaries. You are building a friendship and you say you want the friendship to be based on honesty, you define to them what is important to you in the friendship and that honesty is key in this friendship, then you can say that you cannot continue with the friend if there are lies between two of you, because honesty is important to you, then your boundary was crossed and there is a consequence.

But a number of us, what we do is that we know that honesty in important to you, that boundary was crossed, you found the line and you do not confront the issue. A number of us do not know how to say NO. Every time people come to you for one thing or the other you give excuses and postpone your responses. You should tell the person “I am sorry I cannot do this for you because of this, if I had it I would be able to do it, but I do not have the power to do this for you.” That way, you have placed a boundary immediately. But a number of us cannot confront issues boldly and confidently. Some people offend you because they crossed the boundary; the guarantee that they would do it again is if you do not correct them. A number of us carry malice, anger and hatred. The reason why you try to suppress anger is because you do not confront the issues that are supposed to be confronted. You are going out with a guy and he tells you he desires to have a taste of you (have sex with you) before you get married. You need to sit down and confront that issue, because the problem he may be going through maybe actually bigger than that. He may be suffering from lust! And what makes you think that if you do not give in/succumb to his desire or request, he is not taking it from someone outside?

What is important to you helps you to set your boundaries and what is important to you, stems from the kind of values you have. You must therefore have some boundaries in order to be respected and valued by others. No one respects who they can take advantage of, run over, or speak to anyhow. Guys prefer girls who would tell them “NO”, who would say, “sorry I am a virgin and I am keeping myself for marriage. No matter what you do, I am not going to give in to your demands or pressures.” They respect such people because they know even when they are not around, that person can be trusted. But if you think “because I offer myself to him all the time, he will not leave”. He’ll forget you like a bad habit! Sex does not keep a man! Why do you think you see men with lovely wives who still cheat outside? Because, it is not only sex that keeps him.

Proverbs 8 says “…that stolen water is sweet…” Pastor Taiwo once said, “When water begins to have taste, then you are in trouble, because water is tasteless.” Anybody who is fornicating now, once you legalise it, or get married to that man or woman, the desire is not strong anymore, because he/she has conquered what he/she wants to conquer. That’s why you have to set the boundaries of your life. Let us not take this for granted because it is so important that we set our boundaries. Even God set boundaries. The Bible says in Proverbs 8:29, “When He assigned to the sea its limit, so that waters would not transgress its command, when He mapped out the foundations of the earth”…those are boundaries. God established boundaries on what He would bless and what He would not bless. The Bible says,”If you are willing and obedient, you will eat the good of the land…” That is a boundary! If you do this, this is what will happen to you, is a boundary. So if God establishes boundary in dealing with human beings, human beings need to establish boundaries in dealing with one another. Therefore, because we are from various backgrounds and values we have been affected differently. The concept of our boundaries, what we can do to other people is obviously different.

For example, some people don’t find it wrong when a lady is passing and you whistle to call her attention. It’s clear that they grew up in that value system. For some, their fiancée has to be pregnant to know they can give birth before they exchange vows and knot the tie at the altar. For this guy, this irrational decision is based on his value system. We have one single value that comes from the scripture, that is “THE WORD OF GOD” and these are the values that we need to start doing to start being respected and effective in setting our boundaries. Don’t let people harm you anyhow. Live your life in such a way that you are not angered all the time. When people know that once they do this, they are going to annoy you, they won’t do it.

There are ways in which you can at least set boundaries for people. If you don’t tell them, they won’t know. You can start by telling people when you meet especially for the first time as such developing into friends. If someone does something for the first time, you can tell them that, “excuse me, if you do that, it hurts me.” By so doing, they know that it hurts you anytime they act in that manner.

Someone was talking to me sometimes ago, and kept nudging me while talking to me. The issue is that the person was passionate about what he was saying. But you can’t keep nudging me with every word you speak! So I said very politely with right intention, “You know something brother, I’d appreciate it if you keep your hands down. Don’t touch me when you talk.” That is a boundary that I have set. What would be the essence if the person keeps touching me and I am frowning? And at the same time, the person is trying to pass across something important to you and we are not listening. At the end of the day, the person goes with the impression that, that brother doesn’t even care, but you have set a boundary almost immediately that you’d appreciate it if he doesn’t touch you while talking. I helped him put his hands down, and we continued the conversation. He didn’t touch me again till we finished the conversation, and I heard everything he had to say. So you let people know and inform them of what you want. But a number of us keep it bottled in. We don’t say anything. When you inform them of what you want, you also request if the person doesn’t do it. Sometimes, some people keep doing things over and over again. At some point, you need to bring the big hammer. Though, we shout a lot in this part of the world. Notice that if a white man is annoyed he doesn’t raise his voice, he probably would tell you something sternly, but here we shout!

As Christians we have to be cultured. I have a boss who is very calm even when annoyed. Though, at some point you need to start by warning some people. For instance you are at the office working, then you pass and a guy whistles at you. Then you need to warn, you don’t need to shout, but you need to be stern. Because sometimes, if you do not stand for something you fall for anything. Therefore, take a stand today, right now.

There are some other things we need to know about building boundaries. The way you relate with people shows the kind of boundaries you are building. For example you are in a circle of friends and they begin to crack dirty jokes, engaging in idle talks and you start laughing with them that they believe you are part of them; then you have not created a boundary. But when they crack that joke, you should say, “Guys/girls, I would appreciate it if you do not say such things while I am around.” If they say it again, then you should say, “Guys/girls, I think I might have to leave right now.” They might call you names like pastor, SU, Madam Jesus or Father Jesus; but when you do that, you have set a boundary.

More so, the way you dress is a form of boundary and this goes especially to the woman folk.  It is said that, “The way dress is the way you will be addressed.” The man who says, there is a dressing for the harlot knew actually what he was saying. If you’ve seen prostitutes before, they do not wear maxi. They always dress in a way to say they are available, as in a “call girl” – notice me! When a woman dresses and leaves some things that are meant to be covered to public view, it is a serious issue. It depicts a woman without moral or ethical boundaries. A woman is not supposed to enhance some things rather she should be grateful about them. Some woman would dress in such a way that you dare not touch them. The way they have comported and composed themselves, when they say hello, you wait for them to even extend their hands because they are so graceful. You must understand that you are a queen in your own domain, don’t allow any man to rush into you anyhow. The way some people are dressed, what they say, how they say it, is like boundaries; so that people do not say wrong things to them or treat them wrongly/badly. But don’t have a chip on your shoulder.

Let people not be afraid to approach you. Let them see love even though you have built boundaries. Like I said, God created the boundary for seas. Every time the sea moves out of its boundary, it causes flooding. When it goes to other places beyond it boundaries, it causes a lot of problem. So, every time boundaries are crossed, there is a tendency for flooding, hurt, anger, negative emotions and eventually hatred. Don’t leave your friendships or relationships to assumptions.

Even at work, there are boundaries you should not cross. I remember when I first got married to my wife; I told her, “When you are annoyed about something, please don’t shout. Just tell me gently.” Because what was important to me was to keep my peace, happiness, throughout the day. I am a very happy person and I like to be happy throughout the day. I don’t like anything to upset that balance. I remember one occasion; this was like four or five years after our marriage. I came back from work, and the first thing I do usually is to wash my hands. Then she served me and said, “You know I am very annoyed with you.” I said in shock, “What did I do?” She said, “After you washed your hands, you just flung the water in your hands at me.” I apologized and she said, “Well you didn’t do it on purpose” and then both of us started laughing. Today, it is still a standing joke. It was so funny when I said I didn’t know. If I had not created that boundary that when you are annoyed about something, I would like you to discuss it rather than keep malice or hammer on it; maybe we will not have stayed healthy till today.

Boundaries keep friendships and relationships healthy. They make them grow. When people know what they need what they are expecting from you, what happens is that at the end of the day, both of you grow together. It brings growth into the relationships. So, it is not because you hate people that you set boundaries, rather, it’s because you love them. It is because you want them to grow together with you. It’s because you don’t want to hurt them or hurt yourself. It is because you want to take care of them and take care of yourself that’s why you set those border lines.

Always remember, the more people are intimate with you, the more they are likely to hurt you. Therefore, the more they need to know what to expect and what is expected of you. Don’t build walls and say people won’t get to me.

May the Lord help us in setting necessary helpful boundaries in the name of Jesus.

Let us sincerely look into our lives, the relationships we keep, the boundaries that have been crossed, the things that are hurting us and things that are not going right because people do not know that boundaries need to be set. And let us start to re-appraise the situation. This will help us to build better friendships, relationships and the Lord will help us to do it in Jesus name.

Perhaps, you have not surrendered your life to Jesus Christ, you have not had an experience of salvation, you have never enjoyed the Presence of God’s Spirit in your life; I wish to invite you t Jesus today. All that I discussed with you above here can only be attained through the help of the Holy Spirit, because by strength shall no man prevail…Not by strength nor by might, but by My Spirit says the Lord.

I want you to accept Jesus as your Lord and Saviour, confess your sins to Him right away and ask for forgiveness. I want you to say this prayer with me:

“Lord Jesus, I am a sinner. Please come into my life and forgive me all my sins. I believe You died for my sins and rose from the dead. Now, fill me with Your Spirit and guide me from this day forward. Thank You Lord for loving me. Amen.”

Go over these messages (Part1 and Part 2).

Kindly post your comments, questions, requests and views below here. Hoping to hear from you.

Shalom.

SETTING BOUNDARIES (PART 1)

Pastor Kunle Osunkunle 

(President, The Singles and Married Fellowship, The Fountain of Life Church, Lagos, Nigeria)

Friendship is like a plant having a slow growth. You don’t just stumble into it, it’s a covenant word, and people who have good marriages obviously succeeded in friendship as well as in courtship. You can be friendly to all; courteous to all, but you can’t be a friend to everybody. Friendship is an in-depth relationship, combining trust, support, communication, loyalty, understanding, empathy and intimacy.

When I say in-depth, I mean that it is detailed and thorough, deeply at great length and fully. The opposite of this is something that is done casually, sketchily, hastily, carelessly and usually at first sight.

Your emotions should not lead you into friendship. EMOTIONS are “E-MOTION”, they are moving, they keep changing and therefore, values (not emotions) should guide you when you are making friends. You should not manipulate people into friendships.

It is only when you have grown into a close friendship with someone that you can develop an intimate relationship with him/her; then you can consider such for marriage. A lot of people get into intimate friendships so fast that they keep breaking their relationships. And anytime you break a relationship, a part of you leaves, and is gone. A part of you moves out and as Pastor Bimbo had said, “If you’ve had like ten relationships, ten parts of you have gone.” If you had gone ahead to sleep with the person (or those people) while you were in a relationship with that person (or them), it becomes a soul tie that is so difficult to break.

This is the main reason I need to talk about setting boundaries here. Even in friendships, we have boundaries that are set. This is to ensure that you build friendships that are better positioned, friendships that will not hurt you, friendships that everybody knows what is expected. Because many do not set boundaries in their relationships, they had run into a lot of troubles.

Boundaries are necessary gates in a relationship that will enable people seeking opportunity to relate with you to know what is permissible or not permissible to you.

Setting boundaries is a necessary skill you need to develop. You can learn how to manage conflicts because it is also a skill, you can learn how to have good communication skill; it is a skill! Also, you can learn how to pray and do various things. These are skills. How to laugh together, how to tantalize yourselves, how to sweet sensationalize yourselves; whatever it is, you can learn. But if you do not learn how to build boundaries, you would run into serious troubles. And therefore, setting boundaries is very important in every form of relationship that you have.

In our society and culturally, boundaries are set normally by the laws that we have, so people can live in peace. You cannot just enter someone’s house anyhow, that’s why they put gates there. Even if it is not a big gate, there’s something that deters you first of all; there is a door! This is to assure a level of security. Therefore in society, we already have laws that govern how people would relate, as such; we have the Law courts as regulators. When people pass the boundaries they are not supposed to pass, you can go to the court to advocate your need. When we get into family relationships, boy-girl, and man- woman relationships, these boundaries are a little bit harder to get. They have more blurred lines and boundaries are not easily defined and are left to individual discretion to define. It is necessary for us to build boundaries as a means of self-security. Jesus said in Matthew 18:18, “Assuredly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth would be bound in heaven and whatever you loose on earth would be loosed in heaven.” Another translation says, “Truly I tell you, whatever you forbid and declare to be improper and unlawful on earth would be declared forbidden and would be declared to be improper and unlawful heaven.” (Amplified Version)

“…whatever you declare to be improper and unlawful…”, which means there are certain things you need to declare improper, else, whoever comes to deal or relate with you will think it is proper for him/her to do them to you. He/she may think it is lawful for me to do this to this person and therefore at the end of the day, sometimes when you get hurt when you are taken for granted or when you are used and abused, it is your fault because you never declared it is improper for them.

Building boundaries help you to protect yourself from getting hurt and enable people to take cautions in certain areas as they relate with you. Jesus said,”What is the greatest commandment? Love the Lord Your God with all your heart with all your soul with all your mind, and the second is like it; Love your neighbor as yourself.” The Bible did not say, “Love your neighbor more then yourself,” which means there is an underlining assumption in that statement that you love yourself and know how to love yourself. That’s the reason why some people with hurt feelings inside them only respond to other people relating with them with hurts. It is not their fault. It is what they have that they would give. You cannot give what you don’t have.

The beginning of how to love yourself is, when you love God, He reveals yourself to you and you are able to love yourself because you love God and He loves you. When you love God the Bible says the love of God is shared abroad in your heart by His Spirit inside you. Romans 5:5. That love enables you to love yourself and to transfer that love to other people. The reason that we have so many people hurting who do not love themselves who are suffering from rejection is because they have actually rejected the love of Christ. When you accept the love of Christ, the love of Christ does not judge you, does not condemn you, but it reveals who you are and gives you the opportunity to change and move forward in life. It gives you the opportunity for a new beginning.

There is a love that is of the world but there is a love that is higher which transcends the love of the world, that is, the love of God. The Bible says, “For God so loved the world that He gave…” God became man because of us, died for us because man could not save himself, and therefore that is the love that comes into our hearts that enables us to love ourselves so that we can love other people. It is because you love your neighbor, because you love people that you set out boundaries for them, boundaries that they should not cross. Many people have left themselves opened. Some friends who should not pass your gate are in your bedroom.

I am not saying that you should build a wall so high, because the boundaries we are talking about here are not physical boundaries, they are boundaries of the mind, boundaries that you have also communicated to people that, “please do not step over this line.” Some people take it in the wrong direction, they’ve built such a high wall and nobody can get to them to relate with them. You’ve built boundaries to anybody and everybody that for a simple ‘hello’, you begin to suspect. Because of your past experiences. Maybe you should stop and think that the reason I was hurt in those days is because I did not set the right boundaries. Some people will tell you “I cannot trust a man because of what men have done to me; John did it, Joshua did it, Gabriel did it, Chukwudi did it, even Paul did it”, and you put the face of all those five men on the faces of all the men in the world. There are some changed men! And when you do that, what happens, is you begin to miss your miracles. Because there are some people on your path whom God have placed there to bless you, to honour you, to favour you; but, because you have closed yourself up you are like the red sea where everything enters and nothing goes out. You begin to stink and nothing can thrive or live inside you.

What I’m saying in a nutshell is that, don’t build such high walls in your life that nobody can reach you to relate with you, nobody can touch you, and nothing moves you anymore. The Bible says, “…there are some people their conscience has been seared with hot iron...” Don’t let situations that have happened in the past make you build such a high wall that nobody can reach you and touch your heart. Perhaps, when people give you a compliment, you begin to suspect - e.g. “You look good”…”Why did he say I look good?” But the boundaries I am talking about here are setting some small boundaries that people will not cross in order to hurt you. I am sure you’ve been in various relationships in lives, you’ve been friends and all that, and because someone said something, you felt hurt, you felt “why should he have said that?” It means that person has crossed the boundary. But you see, most people would not know that you are hurt if they do not know what you expect from that relationship. It is important to learn about setting healthy boundaries so that you can make decisions about what is and what isn’t permissible in all our relationships. The closer people get to you, the smaller the boundaries you create.

I wish to implore you to ensure you read the part 2 of this post...coming up here soon.

Also, feel free to post your questions, share relationship testimonies and prayer requests here or to our email address at  -

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Invite your friends and loved ones to read the posts here. It will help you in building a healthy relationship and a marriage that is heaven on earth.

Thank You and Happy New Year 2011

Wishing You a Complete Turn Around in you relationships, marriages and life's endeavours this year.