ALL THAT GLITTERS...

From Pastor Bimbo Odukoya Foundation

I am a woman in my late forties; I am happily married with four children. My husband is a successful and God-fearing businessman. I consider the fact that he is a Christian who honestly loves and fears God as his most important quality because of what I have been through in life. You see, this is my second marriage.

I met my first husband, Deolu during my first year in the university. He was in his third year, from a wealthy home, charming, tall, handsome, and also a club chief. When we started dating, I was the envy of many ladies on campus because he was considered as one of the main “catches” on campus and by dating him; I automatically became a member of the happening group on campus. We dated throughout my four years on campus and by the time I finished NYSC and got a job, we were already talking marriage.

I want to say at this juncture that I was brought up in what is regarded as a “Christian home”; this means that my family went to church every Sunday but beyond that, I must confess that our lives were no different from that of non-Christians. We had good moral standards but none of us could actually say that he/she had a personal relationship with God.

As a result of my background, I did not place a high premium on Deolu’s spiritual state. He had told me that he was an atheist. He said that he did not believe in God but he did not believe in the devil either; he was neutral and was only concerned with being a decent man. At first, when he told me that he did not believe in God, I thought he was joking but over time, I realised that it was true; he did not practice any religion but he was so well behaved that my parents quickly grew to like him. I did not really mind his atheism although we had agreed that he would let me take our future children to church as long as they went willingly.

I married Deolu six years after we first met and I settled down to a marriage that I believed would be “happy ever after”. We were both doing well in our careers and had three lovely children, two boys and a girl. I was a contented woman until the balloon suddenly burst.

We had been married for just over nine years when I suddenly developed symptoms of a veneral disease. I was alarmed by this development, as it indicated that Deolu was being unfaithful to me. When I confronted Deolu with my suspicion, he became angry that I had the audacity to “query” him in his own house. I was hurt and shocked at his response and before long we were having a hot argument and the next thing I knew, Deolu was hitting me and I was screaming and crying in pain. That day marked the beginning of my nightmare.

It was as if Deolu suddenly changed overnight. He started coming home late and any argument we had ended with beatings. I did not know what I had done to turn my husband against me. I was faithful and undemanding but nothing I did pleased him. After a while, he stopped eating at home and also started saying merely seeing me made him angry. I made some investigations and found out that Deolu had been dating another woman for almost one and a half years. When I told him my discovery and asked him why he was breaking my heart and our home, he replied me with another beating. It was terrible and I could not tell anybody what I was going through.

My husband told me to move into the guest room and would not touch me for months. Once in a while when he did come into the guest room, it was not to make love but to abuse me sexually. This was the man whom I had married as a virgin yet he would come into my room and beat me mercilessly before forcefully having sex with me; I soon began to pray that he would stop coming into my room.

After about three years when the pain was getting too much for me to bear, I decided to seek succour and a solution to everything. I gave my life to Christ and became a committed Christian. The church became the one place where I found love and acceptance. After some time however, Deolu began to complain that I was praying too much. He forbade me from taking the children to church and destroyed the Bibles that I had bought for them. The beatings continued and sometimes I had to go to the hospital to treat the bruises I sustained. I concluded that Deolu no longer loved me but I did not leave him because I knew that divorce was not God’s plan for Christians. Then one evening after fourteen years of marriage, I got home from work to meet my clothes stuffed into two traveling bags and left outside our house gate. The guard refused to let me into the house on “oga’s orders”. Deolu had also locked up the main house and left for an unknown location with our children; I was distressed and I did not know what to do.

I had to move in with one of my older brothers and barely a week later, I got notice of divorce proceedings from Deolu’s lawyers. I did not respond to the notice and the divorce went through. All I was concerned about at that time was finding out where my children were. I later got to know that Deolu had actually enrolled them in schools in the UK. For over five years, I did not see or hear anything about my children as Deolu refused to tell my relations and I where they were. One day out of the blues, I got a letter from my first son; he was home on vacation and had sent it through one of Deolu’s friends who had always liked me. My son told me when he would be going back to Scotland and he gave me his address; I was not to contact him in Nigeria so that Deolu would not know what he had done. That was how I found my children and began visiting them secretly in the UK.

All this happened over twenty years ago. Now, my children have graduated and Deolu can no longer threaten them so we communicate freely. I met my present husband through a mutual friend and this time, I made sure that he was a man with a heart for God before I started dating him; we have one child, a daughter. I am a happy and fulfilled woman and I owe it all to God. When I was going through my travails with Deolu, the few people who knew about it found it hard to believe because he is well educated and is regarded as a “quiet gentleman” but I tell people that it is not about education, money or charm. I learnt the hard way that good looks, a charming personality and successful career could never replace a heart that fears God and seeks to please Him.

Comments.
The response “I do” to the pastor’s question during the joining of a couple during a wedding ceremony is a very weighty one. This is why we have to be careful whom we say “I do” to because you are saying “I do” to the person’s character, value system and beliefs. When Bola said “I do” to Deolu, she chose to submit herself to a man with no regard for God and a person with no regard for God, no matter how decent he/she might seem, will eventually show a lack of regard for people.

Good looks, money, a charming personality, a successful career or good intentions cannot guarantee a good marriage. The basic ingredient for a good marriage is giving God the place of honour in the marriage; the Bible says that a three-fold cord is not easily broken. The only thing that will make a man/woman resist temptation and treat his/her spouse with respect and honour is the fear of God. When the storms of life beat hard against a marriage, the only anchor that will hold firm is that which is grounded in the Word of God. This is why it is so important that the person you chose to lean on and walk with through life is already leaning on the Rock of Ages, Jesus.

Truly, God hates divorce (Malachi 3:16) and this is why we must choose the person to marry with care. The choice of whom to marry should not be made based on emotions (no matter how deep the emotion might seem) but prayerfully. If you marry a Godly person, abuse of any kind or divorce will never be an option in your marriage; and please note that a Godly person is not somebody who goes to church regularly but someone who actually has a personal relationship with God. For more on this, please get Pastor Bimbo’s book “How To Choose A Life Partner, 165 Questions To Ask”.

However, if you are in an abusive marriage, my advice is that you separate from your husband for some time while you use that separation time to pray and ask for directions. Please note that I am not saying that you should divorce your husband but many women have lost their lives, run mad or become irrevocably injured because they stayed in the same house with an abusive husband. If your husband is abusing you, please get yourself out of danger and then seek counseling and prayers from your pastor.

There is no marriage so bad that God cannot restore. The first step however comes from you giving your life to Christ and surrendering the situation to Him. Next you have to also keep praying for your spouse and seek God for instructions on the step to take. You can also call me for counseling and prayers, I’ll be happy to hear from you and to help you but please remember that the first step to the total healing of your marriage starts with your step towards God. You can give your life to Christ by saying this prayer: Dear heavenly Father, I come to you today and ask you to forgive my sins. I believe in my heart that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. I believe that he was raised from the dead for my justification and I confess Him now as my Lord and Saviour. Thank you for saving me. Amen

You may also visit our websites at www.tfolc.org, www.pbofoundation.org

WHEN AND HOW TO BREAK UP A RELATIONSHIP

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

Amos 3:3; 1Thess.5:21

When you are in a relationship and things aren’t working well, you are sure you aren’t going in a right, godly direction. I mean if you can’t see the future in your relationship, then you should go for a break-up.
Breaking-up is a reversing of the fusion process or reaction and is usually done by applying pressure and intense heat which will initiate the reversal reaction.
There is a process towards breaking-up an established relationship.
You need not to force things when they aren’t working out.
Break-up is usually painful and very hurtful. The reason for this is because it takes intense heat and high pressure to break up two wedged metal or two fused objects (the fusing of two hearts, emotions, spirit and physique…) and when sheared apart becomes painful.
Sex is the consummation of fusing together two hearts. Don’t consummate the togetherness until when you get married.
Break-ups could be very devastating to anyone just like when you lose a loved one to death. When you break-up, feelings are never the same again. At times, one gets hurt than the other. You need to break-up in the right way if breaking up is necessary. The time to break up is not the time to accuse your partner, but to look inward first and see if you have a course to the necessity of the break-up. It takes two to tangle; while one takes an active role, the other may take a passive role. The more reason you need to firstly look inward and ask yourself what you have not done rightly, where you have missed it and your roles in the courses that is necessitating a break-up. You need to be absolutely sincere that the best solution is a break-up.

Think before you do so that you will not later say what have I done.

Avoid threatening your partner with intention to break-up when you don’t mean it.
Ask yourself the following questions whenever you think of breaking up your relationship:
1. Why do I want to break-up?
2. Is it his/her characters, behaviours or attitudes that necessitate it?
3. Is there anyone in his/her life other than I? That is, does he/she has someone else in mind for a relationship other than I?
4. Are there any unresolved differences, disagreements, quarrels or unforgiveness (offences)?
5. Is it the mistake(s) that he/she committed that he/she is not ready to apologize and feel sorry about?


CAUSES

WEAKNESS: Unresolved weakness could lead to a break-up in a relationship. Everyone has his/her weaknesses as well as strengths. If your weaknesses are persistent flaws, they are strong enough to break-up your relationship. So, you need to discover your weaknesses and work on them.

INCOMPATIBILITY: Some people are not just compatible; in terms of their social life, intellect, spiritual life, emotional life, health and sexual needs, etc. At least there must be a common ground where both of you agree and decide on the directions for your journey. I mean salient agreements which cannot be compromised to build a healthy relationship. When this is missing, break up is usually the result. More importantly, break up results when the two partners discover that their blood genotype will result into a sickle cell and are not ready to take the risk of raising sickle cell child/children. That is, both have blood genotype of AS or SS or one is AS while the other is SS.

LYING: An Inconsistent person can provoke disagreement which can lead to the breaking up of a relationship. Insincerity, unfaithfulness and falsehood are serious causes of break-up. Nobody wants to marry someone he/she can’t trust or who isn’t sincere and truthful.

UNFAITHFULNESS AND INFIDELITY: Lack of trust in a relationship will lead to break-up. A partner who is always indulging in lying, deceit and the likes is only planning for a break-up. Also, a partner keeping another relationship with someone else is outrightly infidel and unfaithful. This is a form of fornication or lust and will definitely leads to break-up if not coupled with hatred and unforgiveness.

POOR COMMUNICATION: Every relationship is usually sustained by consistent communication (verbal and non-verbal). When communication is destroyed in a relationship, that is, when either of you stop communication, your relationship is heading for a break-up. This is because one of the attitudes of love is that love speaks. Love has its language and must be discovered so that your communication will be a right one.

LACK OF COMMITMENT: Relationship is about two people learning under divine tutelage to becoming one in Christ so as to fulfill divine purpose. Therefore, lack of mutual commitment to seeing the growth of the relationship usually results into a break-up. A situation where one of the partners give and give and give without a commensurate act from the other causes weariness and usually results into break-up. Prov.30:15a. None of the two partners should be a leech or parasite while the other one is the host. A situation like this is as a result of under-commitment. There must be an equal commitment to make the relationship work out successfully. By this I mean equal commitment to each other in all ramifications of life. A successful relationship requires two fully committed persons who are willing to be equally committed.

WHEN TO BREAK UP A RELATIONSHIP

The following are critical pointers or indicators to determining the time to break up your relationship and let go your partner:

1. Yoked with unbeliever: The moment you discover your partner is not a believer or doesn’t accept your faith and not ready to practice your belief system, go for a break up. Amos 3:3; 2Cor.6:14-17. There can never be an agreement or common ground between a believer and an unbeliever, go for a separation immediately without any hesitation.

2. Divided Vision: When you don’t share same vision, both of you can’t think in the same direction and there will always be conflicts of interests, that is, disagreement will characterize your moments of togetherness. Amos 3:3.

3. Sins: When both of you indulge in unrepentant sins like fornication, lying, drinking, smoking, theft, deceitfulness, covetousness, etc; or it’s your partner that is indulging in any form of sin or ungodliness, break up is necessary. 1Cor.6:15-20. This will become a habit and you are definitely set for problems in marriage. Sins break the heart of man from God and disconnect him for his Maker. More so, as soon as you discover that your partner is no longer passionate and devoted to God, loses personal intimacy with God in prayers, quite time and consecrated service to God; go for a break-up. Broken relationship is better than a broken marriage. Chances are high that someone who is highly devoted to God while in relationship will continue together with you after you are married than otherwise.

4. Physical or Sexual Abuse: If your partner is fond of beating you, abuse you or uncontrollably get angry once you quarrel or there is misunderstanding; it’s a strong indication for a break-up. Also, should your partner sexually abuse you – rape you or sexually mishandle you, go for a break-up because that is a sign of lust not love; hatred and selfishness. True love waits. 2Sam.13:1-18.

5. Cheating: Should your partner cheat you, as in, keep an undisclosed relationship with someone else, have sex with someone or sexually abuse someone; go for a break-up. It is act unfaithfulness and someone who isn’t faithful in a relationship can never be faithful in marriage. Relationship is a time to learn so many things so as to practice them in marriage. When you learn wrong values in relationship, you practice wrong values in marriage.

6. Secretive or Unopen-minded: If you discover that your partner keeps secrets and is not always ready to disclose them, perhaps of his past misbehaviours or future pursuits and plans; the best thing to do is to break-up. How will you understand so as to live together with someone who will not share his/her heart with you, no matter how painful or great it may be?

7. Lack of feelings, emotions and passion: Should you discover that your partner has lost his/her feelings, emotions and passion for you and the love you share, go for a break-up. Such will result into boredom, weariness and idleness. Remember that, idle hands are the devil’s tools or instruments. He/she will not be able to meet your emotional and perhaps physical demands in marriage.

8. Unwillingness to compromise: No one is ready to compromise things you exclusively cherish. But for the sake of your relationship, if your partner is not willing to compromise smaller or insignificant issues and values for a bigger and more serious ones that will edify and build your relationship, go for a break-up.

9. Health Incompatibility: The health condition of the two partners in a relationship is paramount to the longetivity of the relationship. No one will ever dream of getting into a relationship that will not last, rather be cut short after marriage as a result of health failures such as sickle cell disease, AIDS (HIV+), or any other terminal diseases. These could be hereditary or contacted as a result of infidelity and carelessness. Therefore, when you discover that your partner’s blood genotype is incompatible with yours (that is, AS or SS and yours is either of these too – when you cross these genotypes the probability of giving birth to SS is between 1 of 4 babies to 2 of 4 babies); it is most advisable you go for a break up. The exception is this, if your faith is strong enough to assure that you won’t bring-forth sickle cell babies to nurse. Raising a child with sickle cell disease is usually painful and unbearable. So, it is very very important (highly emphasized) that both of you go for different medical tests such as HIV test, blood test, etc so as to properly ascertain the health conditions of each other.

9. Incessant or intermittent conflicts without any resolution or mutual understanding: This is often caused as a result of selfishness and unwillingness to accept each other the way you are. Everything about relationship is mutual. If you notice there are unresolved issues, challenges, conflicts or quarrels that pose threats to your visions and dreams or pursuits and purpose, go for a break-up. A nagging partner will do worse in marriage. Make sure you discuss all issues together to avoid any form of assumptions or skepticism and settle all unrealistic expectations. It could point to the cause of the conflicts.

10. Bad habits, characters, attitudes and values: When you discover that your partner has some habits, attitudes and values (not necessary bad ones) that you aren’t ready to compromise, go for a break-up. Marriage is not for you to endure but to enjoy. Make a list of the values (value list), attitudes and habits you desire in your partner and if he/she is lacking in any and you aren’t ready to compromise them, it best to call it a quit, else you may live to regret in unremarkable endurance while you ought to be enjoying.

Ensure that you take time to think over and over again and settle these issues with God in prayers and in your communion with Him so as to be confident to making the right decision on breaking up. Also, ask for the opinions and counsels of trusted people who could be trusted friends, parents, marriage counselors, Pastors, siblings and other relatives. Prov.15:22; 20:18; 27:9b.

HOW TO BREAK UP A RELATIONSHIP

It is a different thing to discover the necessity of a break-up in a relationship and another thing to know how to break up. There are proper ways you must follow to break up your relationship when the need arises so as not to cause an eternal hatred or destruction of the live of your partner. You were friends before you decided to start the relationship, you should try and ensure that you remain friends after you might have broken up. You should be able to see each other in the future and exchange pleasantries.
The following are few steps on how to break up a relationship that isn’t working out:
1. Don’t delay your decision to break up. The more you delay, the more you lose the power to act.
2. Don’t use manipulative means to break up. Avoid ambiguous words or presentation of your decision. Don’t present it in an indirect way and watch the choice of your language or words. Don’t be rude or abusive. Be respectful and harmless in your presentation. Don’t curse him/her, blame or accuse for whatever reason that informed and necessitated your decision. Talk to him/her in love and help him/her keep his/her self-worth.
3. Don’t make your partner feel bad as if he/she is the worst sinner in the whole universe.
4. Choose an appropriate time and place. Don’t choose a public place like church, fellowship meeting or gathering where either or both of your friends are present. Don’t choose a hide-out (as your rendezvous), close places where both of you are alone and dark places like night corners. Stay at the eyes-range of people passing by or around you.
5. Dress smartly and godly. Don’t wear sexually suggestive clothes to meet him/her for a break-up to avoid every form of temptation.
6. Don’t ignite pseudo-expectations on your decisions. Don’t ignite wrong feelings or emotions contrary to your decisions.
7. Don’t raise his/her hopes about the relationship you have decided to call a quit. That is, don’t say what you don’t intend.
8. Don’t send text messages, e-mail, e-notes, fax, voice message, postage or call on phone to break up. You didn’t propose or accept the proposal for your relationship through text, voice messages or phone calls, so don’t quit or break up through any of these means.
9. Don’t send a third party (whoever it maybe – not even trusted friends or counselors) to carry out the break up. Do it in person so as to clarify each other’s honesty’s nest (issues) if need be.
10. Be bold and confident about your decision.
11. Be honest with your decision. Imagine if you break up for a different reason you told him/her and he/she later found out the truth, you will become a liar and may stir up unforgiving spirit or damage emotions.
12. Be sensitive and observant to his/her emotions when you meet to talk.
13. Don’t ignite an argument so as to break up. Never break up during an argument. You will have said you are breaking up several times without sincerely intending it. This will make you become inconsistent and perhaps a liar. And if you finally do during an argument, you may live to regret such decision because you didn’t take time to think on your decision. Such decision is rather too hasty.
14. Just be sincere with your intention, don’t hide your feelings. Be firm with your decision, let your yes be yes and your no be no. James 5:12. Let him/her know that you aren’t going to change your mind on your right decision. Don’t give in to false pleas, apologies or cries. Remember you went through a process in other to ascertain your decision on breaking up.
15. Be emotionally balanced. Never break up when you aren’t emotionally strong, that is, when you are emotionally weak. It may cost you a life’s fortune.
16. Make a clean break up. Don’t keep relics of him/her around you after you break up - relics like photos, mails or messages, gifts, etc. This may hinder your emotional healing process from the break up. Take a full break from calling and seeing each other or any other thing that may re-ignite passion and strong feelings for each other.
17. When you are breaking up, don’t ask for a break, but a separation. There is a difference between taking a break and being separated. Taking a break is asking for a time to think or re-think, but you are still together in the relationship. Just like asking for a space for proper breathing. Truly, commitment and communication will reduce but not taking away totally in such case. But when you ask for a separation, you actually demand a final dissolution, pulling apart and unsealing of your relationship. Here, commitment and communication are destroyed.
18. Meditate on the word of God and let God instruct you from His word. Ps.37:3-7.
19. Neglect people’s comments or gossips and continue in God’s comfort.
20. When it is hard to say goodbye, hold on to God. Most times, it is hard to say good; the more reason you need to lean on God. Prov.3:3-5. God has a way of taking you through the healing process and perfect His will in you.
21. Don’t rush into another relationship immediately you break up no matter how you feel. Take time to heal your brokenness and learn from your mistakes and past experiences from the former relationship so as not to repeat the same mistakes.
22. Always hope that your new relationship will be better than your past experience.
23. Don’t be desperate for another relationship, else you will choose wrongly and enter into a wrong relationship. Any relationship based on desperation is sub-optimal.

Remember this; broken relationship is better than a broken marriage or divorce. Marriage is not to be endured but to be fully enjoyed. 1Tim.6:17c.

Whatever relationship or covenants you have with a wrong partner, I strongly advice you to come out of it today and separate yourself from him/her. 2Cor.6:17. Consider all that we have discussed today, which you have read above and make a right choice now.

PRAYER

If you have experienced brokenness from your past relationship, I pray that God will give you strength and grace for quick and complete healing.


I believe these outlined guidelines will help you to make a proper evaluation of your relationship and the decisions you have made or about to make on it.

Intensify your relationship with God. He alone knows the way through the wilderness.

VALUE SHIFT

Message by Dr. Tunde Ayeye

The times we live in today are very dangerous times that we need to have full knowledge and understanding of the times so as to fulfill God's purpose in our lives. 1Chronicle 12:32; 2Tim.3; Matt.24.
We must adjust to the changing times and hold tightly to unchanging values.
There is no change without a sacrifice, that is, sacrifice of values. You need to sacrifice your bad values not the right, good ones for you to experience a true change.
The world - whole creation await the manifestations of the children of God. Rom. 8:18-19. The world is waiting anxiously to see the release of the destinies of the sons of God.
For us to fulfill divine purpose, it’s highly important that we build our lives on right values. That is, to meet the plans of God for your life, you need to ask yourself the following questions:

1. Who am I?
2. What defines me?
3. What are my guiding principles?
4. What are the rules or boundaries that govern my life?
5. What are my reputations?
6. What memories am I leaving in the minds of people I meet in my life’s journey?
7. Who or what do I see when I look into the mirror?
8. What I see each time I look into the mirror, is it real or virtual image?
9. What will be written on my tomb-stone after my demise?
10. What values do I leave by?

All the questions above are subsumed in the last question – what values do I leave by?
The way to know what hold the most meaning for you is to define your values. Values are so important and indispensable that we define all things in life around them.
There is a difference between principles and values. Principles don’t depend on you. They come to us in natural and supernatural forms as effects which affect our lives. Values are as a result of the way we see things, our daily perceptions, and decisions borne out of our daily thoughts or cognition.
So, principles define the way things are; that’s why they come to us in form of laws, or rules and they determine the way things are. Values are the way we see things – individual cognition. So why don’t you increase your cognitive power or ability.
When you build your values on right principles (divinely instructed principles), you are taking a conscious decision towards eternal bliss and fulfillment. You can only build values on principles you know, that you have learnt either by conscious efforts or otherwise.
Every kingdom, establishment and organization has its guiding principles which explain the way the citizens are expected to live ad it also inform their value system. And these values are what the organization ethics are based on.
These principles determine the way they are governed and how they run things, that is, their mode of operations.
John Arbuthnot Fisher once said, “Our society's values are being corrupted by advertising's insistence on the equation: Youth equals popularity, popularity equals success, and success equals happiness.”
The world we live in has a way of imposing on us its cruel principles and causes us to form wrong values which have resulted into moral decadence, impiety and loss of the sense of the spirit; a situation where abnormal things have become norms and cultural accepted practices. Therefore, the dire need for a value shift in other to please God ad fulfill His purpose. To experience a positive value shift, you need to firstly discover the laid down principles of the divine kingdom where we belong. So, absolute obedience as in sheer adherence to these principles is key to building right values that will eventually determine our behaviour and attitudes.
Our behaviours determine our attitudes and relationships; and our life is a function of our relationships. Behaviours and attitudes directly depend on your values. So, if you want to deal with your life to experience a change, all you need to do is to deal with your values – change the principles you obey to right godly principles, build your values around them and adhere solely to them.
The principles of the gospel of Christ are the best moral, cultural, political, economical… (name it) principles you can ever imagine in life. All that pertains to life and godliness are in the knowledge of these principles. 2Peter 1:3.
Pause for awhile! Ask yourself these salient questions: what determines what you do? I mean your daily choices. Is it Hollywood, Bollywood, Nollywood, the selfish desires of your hearts or the words of God?
To experience a change, you need to discover the right principles from the gospel of Christ – His teachings and walk in conformity to these principles.
You don’t become righteous because you do right things, but you do right things because you are righteous. 1Cor.1:30. God made you righteous the very day you gave your life to Christ. This answers the question why people who are not saved (accepted Christ as their Lord and personal Savior) can’t do right things, but perhaps good things. You need to develop same attitudes as Jesus by applying same principles and getting same right godly values all from His word. Phil.2:5.
God’s righteousness is in you and gives you the ability (also increases your capacity) to do right things and judge rightly. You don’t build right values in a day (just as Rome was never built in a day), but build them daily. Life is not a destination but a journey. It happens daily.
Values are things that you build in your heart through cognition. That’s why the battle (struggle) of man is in the mind/heart. You need to feed your spirit-man rightly with the sincere milk from the word of God daily so as to allow it control your heart rightly and build right values that will enable you fulfill purpose. 2Cor.10:2-6; 1Pet.2:1-3.
Your values will determine your decisions and your ability to judge rightly (discernment). Don’t allow the society and its wrong vices to determine or influence your values and decisions, but allow the word of God through His Spirit to influence your cognitive thinking. Rom.8:26-27.
Sometimes, you find yourself behaving incongruent to what is right or you wish to do, it’s all because of your values.
You can easily observe in the world today that there is a generational shift in values; ranging from culture (fashion, morality…), belief system, economy, governance (politics), etc. The trend of world principles that we now embrace today are initiating things that affect us in all ramifications of life, making us to shift our focus from God to trivial things. So, there are serious values shift in this generation than ever before. There is a change in puritan (adherent or conservative) values to conformist (liberal) values in this present age. The old puritan values are made outmoded while the conformist or liberal values that characterize the present times we live in are well celebrated.
People now prefer taking short-cuts to achieve their goals in life; short-cuts like bribery, begging, stealing, fornication, adultery, and other forms of compromises and immoral acts. You need to understand that these ways and principles of the world are anti-God’s principles and will lead to nowhere.
Finally, time is an important tool in developing values. What you spend your most of you time doing directly affects your value development. Spending most of your time watching pornography, TV, films, football, playing video games, gossiping, reading immoral books, etc will only ensure your building of wrong values that are being portrayed and thought through these media. They are all based on the world philosophies, principles, experiences, ideologies and values. Spend most of your time on the word of God that will inform your heart on godly virtues. Feed your heart or mind with right information and values and you will see yourself developing godly characters.

Watch your words, they become your thought;
Watch your thoughts, they become your ideas;
Watch your ideas, they become your values;
Watch your values, they become your characters or behaviours;
Watch your characters or behaviours, they become who you are;
And who you are defines your purpose and destiny.
------------ Pastor Mrs. Taffi L. Dollars (World Changers International Church)

For you to fly, you need to learn how to crawl first. Emulate right values from godly people around you and abscond from evil men. Choose to be different.
Build right values like commitment, hardwork, integrity, honesty, patience… Do things that you will be happy to see your children emulate in the nearest future. Determine and resolutely dislike wrongs values. You have the grace of God given to you already. Titus 2:11-13.
Consider your life and ask what values are you building around them? Your career, relationship, finance, spiritual life, dressing (fashion and style), business, family and friends, etc.
Let your values be forged in line with the Holy Spirit. 1Cor.11:1; Phil.2:2-5.

BUILDING A SATISFYING, HEALTHY, AND PEACEFUL RELATIONSHIP II

Message from Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

Ruth 1:6-22

There are some qualities, attitudes, characters and traits that must be considered in building healthy relationship. Here is an attempt to address this issue as I highlight the attitudes and characters to look out for in your proposed partner. They are as follow:

DEVOTION TO GOD AND TO FAMILY: You must ensure that your partner is passionate and devoted to God through thick and thin. Devotion means ardent attachment and loyalty, faithfulness, love and passion unrestrained, stern determination, resoluteness, commitment, consistency, etc. Look for someone who is God-centered and not self-centered. How devoted is he/she to his/her family and their values? He/she must have a right motive to stay with you in thick and thin; no matter the situation. Ask these questions; will he/she still loves you when you are no longer handsome/beautiful? Will he/she still want you or loves you when you don’t have money or lose all you have gotten like Job? Job 2:9-10.
Ruth was devoted to her vows and commitment in marriage. When realities set in, despite the tragedies, pains and cries, only Ruth among the two daughters-in-law of Orpah remained devoted to her vows. This was as a result of her devotion to God. Ruth 1:16-17.
Devotion is a matter of attitude and attitude is a matter of heart.
Devotion in terms of will, your heart desires, decisions, kindness, right and good virtues…. You must understand that family is a very important aspect of a lasting relationship and meaningful marriage.
Look for someone who is devoted and committed to her career and responsibilities as a woman. Ruth 2:4-7; Prov.31:13-25. Someone who can give all.
Don’t look for someone who will make you apologize for your faith. Do people talk about his/her devotion to God and to life? Your devotion is what will spot you out and expose your visions and pursuits in life. Love is highly devoted (and never gives up). It keeps spiritual fervour and serves God. Rom.12:10-11; 1Cor.13:7a.

KINDNESS: Look for someone who is kind-hearted. Ruth 2:8-9. That someone is a human being makes him/her deserves kindness and respect no matter the circumstances around him/her. Someone who is kind and respectful can go extra miles to honour his/her partner and treat him/her more than he/she deserves. Love is kind. Rom.12:14-15, 20; 1Cor.13:4.

RESPECT: Look for someone who can respect you the way you are. Always remember that respect is mutual. Build respect in yourself in other to respect other people. Respectful people are usually humble. Love is not ill-mannered or behaves rudely, honours others above himself and is always eager to show respect to others. Rom.12:10; 1Cor.13:5a.

HUMILITY: Don’t look for prideful people. A prideful partner will cause you to stumble and you remain unfulfilled. Don’t look for someone who will not accept you the way you are and appreciate (condescend to) your status. Love is not proud, accepts humble duties and always willing to associate with people of low status (position). Rom.12:16; 1Cor.13:4; Prov.16:18; 1Peter 5:5-6.

DEVOTION TO WORK/CAREER: Look for someone who is hardworking, intelligent and very industrious; someone who has a vision for the future, consistent in al he/she does and does well in whatever his/her hands find doing. Consistency in what he/she does – kindness, devotion to God and family, career is important. Love is not lacking in zeal, works hard. Rom.12:11a; Ruth 2:17.

TEACHABLE: You need to look for someone who is humble, has a teachable spirit, ready to be corrected, good listener and able to learn new things that will edify without much ado. Ruth 3:1-5; Prov.1:5; 9:9. Look for someone whose heart is always open to receive wisdom and guidance, especially to things that will improve life. The question of can he/she be taught cannot be overemphasized. Avoid someone who will not listen or heed to your advices.

INTEGRITY: The word integrity comes from the word integer which has its root meaning in latin – integer means wholeness, bond… Integrity has to do with consistency in values, words, characters, habits, thoughts and devotions. Look for honest person who will always hold on to his/her words, someone who will do as he/she says; someone who is very sincere. Don’t do things because you want someone to notice you, he/she will only see what you are doing and admire it to latter hate you with passion when you stop or fail in doing the things he had admired. Someone that God and men can boast and be proud of always responsible people. They are usually trustworthy and truthful. Job 2:3.

TRUST: Look for someone who depends and trusts only in God. Such person will be able to trust in you no matter the situations. Look for someone who believes in your dreams, visions, hopes and aspirations and is ready to help you pursue together to achieve them. Psalms 21:21.

GOOD COMMUNICATION: This is usually in the form of verbal and non-verbal communication. Look for someone who is sincere in words and able to control his/her tongue; not a gossip, parrot who speaks abuses and filthy words or evil slang and languages. Look for someone who understands right and good body languages. Someone who will be able to understand your needs without you pressing for a voice. Someone who is able to demonstrate love to you without offending you. Love does not keep a record of wrongs and does not rejoice in other's mistakes. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 1Cor.13:6.

Finally, dear friends, “…let each one of you be careful how he builds…” 1Cor.3:10. Believe me, you have received grace upon grace from God to be a wise builder. John 1:16. Therefore work in this understanding and build wisely as a wise expert builder. Remember that, the quality of whatever you are building now will be tried/tested by storms of life, rain and sunshine, and fire in the days to come. Certainly, challenges will come just to test your expertise in the building work; only if you have built correctly in absolute accordance to the specifications of the Chief Architect, Supervisor or Engineer will your building stands. Matthew 7:24-29; 1Cor.3:10-15. You can’t afford to build in haste or anyhow, if you do, time will tell.
Once again, I say to you loved ones, “…be outrightly careful…” (emphasized).

PRAYERS

“Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain…” Psalms 127:1a.
If the Lord does not build the house (for us), the work of the builders is useless. God is indispensable in our building project, in all aspects of the work, at all stages of the project execution. You can afford you build without God’s help and getting His divine Hands involve in all the works.
Therefore, if you haven’t given your life to Christ, you stand no chance to have God involve in your building project. You will only build to experience a calamity, destructive fall and total collapse which may lead to your death. So, you can’t afford to build without Jesus’ involvement. Even if you have laid your foundation on Him, you still need to ensure that He is involved in the construction processes/works. Get Him involved today! Jer.33:3.

Don’t forget to post your comments, questions and share your experiences with us here for other readers to learn and be blessed. We welcome your prayer requests as we believe that prayer changes things; prayer changes people and people change things. God can do all things, so you can because He will strengthen you. Phil.4:13.

Remain confident.

BUILDING A SATISFYING, HEALTHY AND PEACEFUL RELATIONSHIP I

By Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

Prov. 24:3-5; Matthew 7:24-27; Lk 6:46-49; 14:28-30

Everyone desires and goes into relationship hoping it will culminates to marriage; give them peace, satisfaction, joy, progress and improvement + fulfilment in life. As it were, every relationship is aimed at mutual growth.
It must be noted that the foundation of every meaningful relationship is THE WORD OF GOD - divine instructions.
God always wants to instruct you at every point in time the way you need to build the designed structure of your life. He is the Chief Architect, the Ultimate Supervisor and Structural Engineer, He is indispensable for a proper construction work. The two partners in a relationship building are just like hired labourers, bricklayers or masons who are to do/carry out exactly what the Engineer/Chief Supervisor instructs them to do so as to build a well-balanced, stable structure. Psalms 32:8-9.
What you do and how you build will determine the kind of structure and its quality which will prove whether you are wise or foolish thereafter.

KEYS TO BUILDING A RICH RELATIONSHIP

FULL OBEDIENCE: This is fundamental to starting any meaningful relationship. You need to believe that the only Person that gives satisfaction in life is God; not money, parents, relatives, buddies, career, and the likes. So, the structure of your relationship is a function of whom or what you obey. Never carry out any instructions other than the ones given by God - the Chief Architect/Designer. Your obedience must be ABSOLUTE. Deut.28:1-14.
Resolve in your heart today to always follow the commands of the Lord. You can receive His instructions/commands when you study His Word - Scriptures and by the help of the Holy Spirit. John 15:12-15.

WISDOM AND UNDERSTANDING: These are also primary to building a lasting, healthy relationship. Wisdom is gotten from doing exactly/precisely what you are instructed to do. You need divine wisdom to build. Prov.1:7; 2:1-22; 3:7-13, 19; 4:5-9; 8:1-36; 9:1-18; 14:33; 23:23. You need to seek for divine wisdom by total reverence for God in all you do.

GODLINESS: This is the God-factor in building a satisfying relationship. Godliness entails faith, love, trust, integrity, loyalty, faithfulness… It is the God-like charaters and traits a man possesses. Train yourself to be godly, it benefits now and in the future. Learn to choose a partner with godly characters and be a person with godly characters too. You cant afford to underestimate the impacts of godliness in building a satisfying relationship. The person you are to walk and work together in a relationship is the body or the physique (shape, colour, facial appearance, hair…), but the man on the inside who should have been affected by God else you stand a great risk. Jer.17:9; 1Cor.2:9-16; 1Tim.4:8. Look for a godly person who has committed himself/herself to following after God in all areas of life.
Don’t ever walk by sight, rather walk by faith. 1Sam.16:7. Always see things through the eyes of God. Don’t be deceived because in life you will always come across men that look like God’s will. Therefore, you need to walk by faith so as not to miss God’s will for your life. Learn to say NO when necessary and focus on God alone by faith.
“Faith looks up, fear looks down.” Let your outlook be determined by your consistent uplook not downlook or inlook. You must plan for your spiritual growth consciously. We live in a generation where too many cares get us worried and instill fears in us. Let God be your main pursuit. Be a God-Chaser – pursue Him hard, passionately and consistently daily. Be a person of His Presence and spend more time in His presence. Psalms 42:1-2; 63:1-3. Remember that, “Deep calleth unto deep…” Psalms 42:7. So dig a very deep foundation in God through consistent fellowship/communion with Him. It is more difficult, costly and time demanding to develop the inner man than the outside man. People who are committed to developing their inner man with God in consistent fellowship usually are more committed in relationship than the otherwise.

EMOTIONAL BALANCE: Look for someone who has control over his/her emotions; someone who is not guided by emotions or feelings. Emotions and feelings may be deceptive because they are susceptible to the manipulations of the devil. Then they become blind guides; this is the reason why some schools of thoughts believe that love is blind. This is absolute illusion, a fallacious mendacity. The devil has deluded many people with this maxim and led them into a state of total moral collapse. Look for someone who takes godly decisions without emotional attachment or feelings.
Listen carefully, I don’t mean it’s not godly to have emotions or feelings for someone (in fact, if you don’t, then you need to question what you call your love towards the person); what I’m saying here is that, emotions or feelings should not influence your decisions or choices. Don’t premise your decisions and choices on emotions and feelings, let is be on God.

GODLY FRIENDSHIP: Amos 3:3, 1Cor.15:33. Don’t enter into a relationship with someone not excited with the things of God. Avoid someone who always discuss immoral, filthy and evil issues whenever you are together for conversation. Make sure you share visions, dreams, aspirations, and instructions from God together. Prov.26:22-23. Let your conversations transcend plenary/trivial things like movies, football, fashion and style, and other forms of gossips. Avoid any form of quarrel and settle all misunderstandings in love. Correct each other in love. 1Tim.4:7; 6:20-21; 2Tim.2:22-24.
Respect each other. Don’t give any opportunity for ungodly people at all. Don’t give them a bite else they will take a whole meal if not much more. 2Cor.6:14. When too much familiarity (attachment) deepens, reason fails/weakens and fades away. Remember that, nice, pretty, handsome…are not fruits of the spirit and “…by their fruits shall will you know them…” Matthew 7:15-23. Avoid all things that will provoke each other to sin. Eph.5:26.

EVALUATION: Make sure you carry out time-to-time evaluation of yourself and the relationship so as to discover if you have grown positively both physically and spiritually or retarded; and to know if the relationship has made you more obedient or disobedient to God. Evaluate to discover if you have compromise your faith, hope, trust, godliness and love for God. Also, evaluate your partner too to determine his/her relative growth and development. You need to understand that your relationship will affect your destiny. It is destiny-defining. God intends it to make you become what He purposed for you as such fulfill purpose. So take time out to evaluate your individual characters. Walk and work together towards improving each other in all ramifications of life.
Your spirituality will always affect your decisions and choices, so ensure you increase your spiritual pursuits consciously.

VIGILANCE: It is very important to be spiritually sensitive as well as physically alert and vigilant when you are in a relationship. Be sensitive to your partner’s communication (verbal and non-verbal - body languages…) so as to know when to say resolutely NO and when to unavoidably FLEE. 1Cor.6:18; 1Thess.4:3-8; 5:22; Titus 2:11-15. ALWAYS WATCH OUT! Be wise as serpent and be gentle as dove. Matthew 10:16. Ensure that all your senses are always at alert with serious cautions. Know when you are going too far and be sure you realize when far is too far. Your sensitivity to the leading and bidding of God through the Holy Spirit cannot be overemphasized. This is more reason you need to develop an intimate relationship with the Holy Spirit. Romans. 8:5-17; Eph.5:16-26.
More so, you need to be sensitive to your partner’s needs.

GOOD COMMUNICATION: This is a very vital key to building a healthy relationship. A consistent fruitful communication enhances rich relationship. This could be in form of verbal or non-verbal communication (like text/voice messaging, gift items, body languages…). Once you break communication in a relationship you can be sure the ship is heading to capsize. That is, broken communication in a relationship leads to a break-up. Always indulge in godly discussions and conversations that will edify both of you. Embrace positive and optimistic confessions. Let grace-filled, wholesome words always proceed from your mouth which will build both of you. Eph.4:29; Col.4:6. Make sure your partner is someone who has strong desire for God. It will determine what sorts of things that will ensue each time you discuss, as in, his/her actions and reactions to issues. Matthew 12:34-37; Luke 6:45. Discover each other’s likes and dislikes and avoid provoking each other to wrath. Frequently send gifts that you know your partner will appreciate to him/her – some may appreciate flowers, clothes, food items and so on, while for some, it may be lovely text or voice messages.
In addition to this, you must always be careful to listen to your partner each time you converse. Don’t be in haste to respond to issues, take time to reflect. James 1:19. Avoid assumption, it is usually very costly and most times people can't afford it.

We have just highlighted the BUILDING BLOCKS (the building structural materials) for a healthy meaningful relationship. I believe you have been blessed tremendously.

PRAYERS:

Someone who has not accepted Jesus Christ as his/her Lord and personal Saviour does not have a foundation to build on yet. So, it is impossible to have a have a stable, healthy, meaning and lasting relationship that will culminates to a blissful and fulfilled marriage. Jesus is the real Solid Rock, the true Sure Foundation of any healthy relationship. Psalms 118:22, Isaiah 28:16; Luke 20:17; Eph.2:11-22; Matthew 7:24-27; John 3:14-19. Therefore, I invite you now to begin by first laying a strong, deep foundation in Christ Jesus. If you are making this indispensable and most important decision now, say these prayers:

Lord Jesus, I thank You for Your unfailing and unfeigning constant love. I thank You for the gift of life and salvation. Thank You for the amazing grace which has drawn me to You today. I hereby confess and renounce all my sins and unrighteous ways. I accept You now as my Lord and personal Saviour. I absolutely surrender my life to You. Be my Lord, my Life and my Everything and take full charge now. Please, grant me daily grace to continue in You. Thank You for Your mercies which I have received this day, in Jesus Christ's name I pray. AMEN.

Congratulations for you have just laid a solid foundation which cannot be destroyed.
I strongly enjoin you to read the above piece again prayerfully.

YOUR FEEDBACK

Please feel free to post your comments, questions and share your experiences with us here. You can also post your prayer points here. We will like to know how you are faring in your relationship and join you in prayers.

We wish you a blessed relationship.

God bless you real good. Continue in the faith…

HOW TO ENJOY BEING SINGLE

By Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

Ecclesiates 3:1-8.

Singleness is a state or stage towards perfection. It is a blessing to enjoy, not a cause cursed to endure on the way to fulfilling destiny. Singleness is not a disease.
Many are frustrated, depressed and maligned because of being single; thereby always looking forward to when they will get married.
Get this clearly first!
"There is time for everything..." ...a time to be single and a time to get married.(Paraphrased). Never be hasty in life to do anything.
You must discover the purpose of all things per time so as not to abuse them, rather to enjoy their benefits.
Stop living your life as if the only thing you want, that you are desperately pursuing is marriage. Matthew 6:33, Col.2:10.
Most singles who are desperate to get married end up in wrong relationships which eventually will shatter their dreams, visions, hopes and aspirations in life.
Singleness is a time to discover yourself in Christ. It is a time to devote yourself totally to God. A time of exploit for God and a time to lay great foundation for the future. It is not a prison for the deliquents, but a time to know God, trust Him, trust yourself and build on purpose.
It is a time to discover who you really are in Christ, that is, your purpose in life.
"You need to enjoy where you are on the way to where you will be." Pastor Kunle Oshunkunle.
It is only when you are fulfilled as a single that you can confidently fulfill relationship/marital demands (and other future demands of purpose).
Therefore, singleness is a time of learning - learning the good, the bad and the ugly. Then, concentrate on the good. It never a time to fantacize and day-dream,but to focus on the experiences of NOW.
There are so many unfulfilled singles who are getting married thinking their spouse will help them fulfill purpose.
The greatest gift of singleness is TIME.
You have great time to yourself as a single with little demands. This poises the greatest challenge. So, the greatest challenge of singleness is WHAT TO USE THE AVAILABLE TIME FOR. There is time on single's hands! It is a time of FREEDOM.

WHAT TO DO AS A SINGLE?

GRATITUDE TO GOD: The first thing to do is to always remember to thank God for who you are, your state and position. God puts you there, "...you are fearfully and wonderfully made..." Psalms 139:13-16. Be grateful for all situations. 1Thes.5:18.
DEVOTION TO GOD: Dont be idle with time. The best thing to do with time in your hands is to absolutely devote yourself to God without any distraction and uphold good things. Phil.4:6-9. Serve God diligently and faithfully. Rom.12:11, Eccl.12:1-7, John 9:4. Build your confidence and trust in God in all things. You can only love someone truly when you have loved God and yourself truly. You must love God and yourself for you to love anyone else. John 13:35; 14:12; 1Cor.7:32-35. Also, learn to hear God and dig deep through studying to know God. 2Tim:2:15. Spend most of your time in God's presence, seeking hard after Him. Ps.42:1; 63:1-2.
DEVOTION TO ONESELF: It's also important to devote time as a single to build yourself up to become what you will like to be in the future. Take time to celebrate yourself as you celebrate God, dont tolerate yourself to indulging in bad vices. Then, you will be able to celebrate other people. Build yourself to balance all ramifications of your life - emotions, intellect, finance,career...
DEVELOP GOOD AND POSITIVE ATTITUDES: Have right attitudes to things around you. Learn to appreciate right things that will give you happiness. Look beautiful and attractive. Nobody wants to marry someone who is not happy about himself. Always look bold and confident and make people around happy.
PASSION LIST: Make a list of your godly passions list and try to fulfill them because you may be unable to do them when you get married due to important marital demands. Nurture yourself in the things you rightly desire and cherish.
INVESTMENT: Avoid idleness! Idle hands are devil's craft tools. Invest in other people's lives. Do things to improve lives around you because you have the strength to do it now. Always invest in things that will improve the quality of your life that will make you most desirable and indispensable. You will become secured and stable, expensive and really worthy. Remember that by divine law, like poles attract, while unlike poles repel each other. Amos 3:3, 1Cor.6:9-13. This is against law of magnetism
FRIENDSHIP: Make godly friends that will help your destiny and spend memorable times together pleasing God. 1Cor.15:33

Finally, singleness is not a curse to struggle with or looking around for an elixir as a remedy, rather, it's a blessing from God for such a time as this in the pursuit of fulfilling His purpose.
Spend your God-given abundant time wisely as a confident single going somewhere to happen for God.

I believe you have found this piece very helpful, feel free to post your comments and questions here.

God bless you.