MARRIAGE: ENDURANCE OR ENJOYMENT (Part 1)

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

Jeremiah 29:11; 1Timothy 6:17.

Marriage

Many people want to have a good and successful marriage, but not everyone is ready to work for it; except to indulge in fantasies. Many know the kind of good benefits and effects they want in their marriages, but they are not ready to give the necessary efforts. Not everyone is willing to pay the prize.

Hebrews 13:4 (AMPLIFIED)

Marriage is to be held precious as a great prize or gift. Marriage is not cheap; it will cost you something if you want to have an enjoyable marriage.

To enjoy means to experience joy and have satisfaction, while to endure means to bear with patience and to tolerate. Endurance means to choose to intentionally tolerate what you don’t like.

You need to know that fighting and quarreling always make you see the ugly side of a person. Avoid it in your relationship and marriage.

Many people base their marriage on superficial things. They think it is all about beauty, physical look and money. Yes, she is pretty now, but will she still be pretty after few years of marriage when she has delivered babies.

Matthew 19:1-6.

Marriage is based on two people who are deeply and irrevocably committed to one another. The basis of marriage is commitment – true irrevocable commitment. “Becoming one” is not what happens in just a day; it is a process and the process is not easy. Just like in manufacturing a product there is a process that should be taken. If anything happens in the processing stage at any point, it usually results to a defected product. The same apply to marriage. Any fault in the processing of marriage results in divorce, shame, pain and heart-ache. That is, why there are so many defected marriages and homes today is because many couples had problems in the processing periods of their marriage (friendship, dating and courtship processes).

These processes will require adjustment on the part of both partners, because some things will never change. So, you necessarily have to adjust and change since both of you are from different backgrounds and have had different life experiences. There are so many things you are used to, so you need to adjust and come to a reasonable compromise in order to achieve your purpose and mutual intentions or set goals.

IMPORTANT DEFINITIONS OF MARRIAGE

      1.      Marriage is a holy covenant: It is very disgusting to see how people easily divorce.

      2.      Marriage is conditioned on an irrevocable promise: That is, there is no turning back.

      3.      Marriage involves a walk with an imperfect person: This is why it requires a lot of patience (endurance)    and reasonable compromises. You need to submit to the authority of the Holy Spirit in order to teach you what to do so as to walk with the imperfect person.

      4.      Marriage is for a lifetime: It is till death to the parting.

      5.      Marriage is to glorify God: We are created for God’s pleasure. People should see your marriage in this light as an example. When people have problems in marriage, it reveals the position they have put God.

1 Samuel 2:30b.

Every time your marriage honours God, God will honour you. You need to realize that marriage is hardwork. For anyone to enjoy marriage, you need to first of all endure. You need to be matured in your reasoning and thoughts.

There is no testing period in marriage; so, you need to be sure before you get married. Never marry someone because you look up to him/her for happiness. If you are not happy before marriage, you may not be happy in it. If you are not enjoying yourself before marriage, you may not enjoy yourself in it.

It is not every time you will love your partner or that he/she will make you happy. What will keep you there is commitment. The objective of marriage is oneness and this involves real deep commitment.

Commitment usually requires endurance, focus and extra works. There are things you need to endure from your partner in order to enjoy him/her later. Endurance is not a bad thing as long as it yields positive and desirable results.

Hebrews 6:15.

The order of your commitment should first be to God, then your partner. Let God be the centre of your relationship.

Hebrews 12:1-2.

You need to run your marriage with endurance and enough patience. When you are committed to God, you will be committed to your partner. Sometimes, you have to despise shame, overlook wrongs and endure in order to enjoy your relationship. Learn to be quiet and patient. Usually, one of the parties has to take the initiative to accept wrongs for peace to reign.

Thomas H. Hearth said, “Growth in marriage takes place through a number of death and resurrection. If there is no growth in it, it is because what need to die has not died or has resurrected.”

Jesus Christ did not go to the cross because of His feelings for mankind, but because of He is committed to His eternal love for us. He did the will of God the Father. Likewise, everything you do in marriage should be as to do the will of God.

If you don’t submit to the leading of the Holy Spirit, you are bound to always say something negative when you are crushed. The Holy Spirit is there for us to produce endurance in our lives from God’s love. If your love can’t endure, you can’t enjoy. However, endurance should not last a lifetime otherwise, enjoyment will be scarce. Prolonged endurance will take away enjoyment (that is, denial of enjoyment). Endurance is to produce fruits of enjoyment.

In order to have a shortened endurance and a prolonged enjoyment, you need to take your partner to God in prayers.

Make sure you marry someone who is teachable, patient, humble and changeable. If he/she is not all that, be prepared for a lifetime of endurance.

God bless you.

MONEY AND RELATIONSHIP PART 2: (HOW FINANCES AFFECT MARITAL RELATIONSHIP)

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

(President, The Singles Fellowship, The Fountain of Life Church)

Scripture Text: Matthew 19:1-6

    In the world we live in today, the percentage of divorce has risen tremendously in the last couple of years and it is not only limited to people outside the church, even members of the Body of Christ are caught in this web. In fact, there is a statistics that says that 50 percent of people who get married even in church are getting a divorce. Christians are supposed to be custodian of marriage as the Lord intended.

Over history, it has been discovered that MONEY is one of the major reasons why couples get divorced and why a marriage doesn’t work. But in general term, there are three major reasons, namely: SEX, MONEY and COMMUNICATION.

    When the Pharisees came to Jesus, they wanted to trap Him with this question: “Can a man be allowed to divorce his wife for any reason?” Jesus says nothing should result to divorce in marriage, let nothing put you and your partner asunder; including money. That is, once you get married to somebody, you become one with that person. Whatever belongs to you belongs to me. Your assets are my assets; my liabilities are your liabilities. That’s why it is very important that before you get married to someone, you ensure that they have the right assets and they don’t have the kind of liabilities that will take you out of that marriage or bring you down. Somebody will say ‘what kind of liabilities can bring someone down?’ Imagine you are getting married to somebody who has very huge sums of debt, and there is no realistic way or no plan with which he/she is going to pay it off. Whatever belongs to you belongs to me. We share everything together. It is not, ‘this is my money and that is your money’ we have decided to get married, everything becomes our own – mine and yours become ours and I and you become we. If you do not change that mentality before you get married, it going to have a lot of negative impact in your marriage. That is where trust becomes very important and critical.

    In Genesis 2:24, “nakedness” implies openness between the two partners. Where there is no trust, the issues of money will definitely cause problems. So, trust is a valuable asset in every relationship. It is the foundation for a happy and successful relationship. In a successful relationship, you don’t need 99.9% trust, you need 100 % trust. Because a 0.1 level of distrust can bring down your relationship. Trust provides comfort and it is the basis for a relationship.

    It is because of this trust that when couples are buying houses these days; in the past people bought houses in the name of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, now it is Mr. Shola and Mrs. Debola Smith because they tell you anybody can be Mrs. Smith. So, she says to him you have to put my real name. You cannot blame her for insisting in some of these things. She knows that you perhaps come from a very dysfunctional home, that if something happens to you tomorrow, your family will move in. Have you done anything to give her comfort? Does she have sufficient stake in your life? Is she very confident that if something happens to you, nobody will come and challenge her on the property that both of you purchased?

    Therefore, we need to realize that, money is important in a relationship, but money itself does not bring happiness. Money in itself is neutral. But your marriage can be enhanced by money. The Bible says that ‘Money is a defense as wisdom is also a defense. Money gives you some level of safety. Real satisfaction is not found in money. It is not money that really makes you happy, it is not money that gives you security, it is the things that money can do for you. It is the patience, the good work, the godliness, the love, the endurance, the gentleness, the way you treat your spouse and your commitment that money enhances are what give you satisfaction and happiness in a relationship. We need to know that in life, money is a support system. It does not make us happy, but it is what it can give us and do for us. There are people who live in big houses and yet are not happy; while some live in small houses and are happy. Though, there are people who live in big houses that are happy.

WHAT MONEY DOES FOR YOU?

    Money helps to meet certain basic and legitimate needs and not necessarily wants of life, among these are:

1. It determines the kind of school your children will go.
2. It determines the kind of hospitals you can go.
3. It determines the kind of clothes you can wear.
4. It determines the type of places you can reside and homes you can dwell.
5. It helps you with wisdom to manage your time and have no stress.
6. It helps in fulfillment of certain goals, values, dreams and aspirations.

    Money helps you to do these things. Therefore your attitude to this money is what is important. You need to pray earnestly for God to continue to provide for you and to move you up on a consistent basis.

The Bible says is 1 Tim 6:10. “The love of money is the root of all evil” It is not money that is evil itself. Money is neutral. The love of money is the root of all evil, so it is your attitude to money that is important. And before you get married to anybody, you must understand their attitude to money.

    You need to come to a point where you realize that God is my Source; you need to absolutely trust God to supply all my need according to His riches in glory.

FINANCIAL PLANNING

    Both of you need to plan on how you will make sufficient money as well as spend it. For instance, my wife and I are both from a savings culture. Remember there are two kinds of people when it comes to issue of money – the saver and the spender. You need to know before you get married if he/she is also a spender or a saver. Therefore, when we got married, we were just saving and saving. The balance is this; there are some things you can spend on. You are not going to be frivolous about it. There are certain things you need to spend on that will improve your relationship and when you have money, you will be able to afford them.

There are so many people who are not financially responsible because they have addictions; addiction to gambling, materialism (fashion), social occasion, gaming, recreation and so on.

    In addition to this, you should know the kind of impact the expenses of the family of your partner will have on you. You shouldn’t just discard it that he/she is helping his/her brother or sister. Can you be sure that you will be committed to it? Not that when he/she says that ‘my brother’s school fees is here again’ you begin to grumbler or he/she says ‘I need to send money to my parent’ and you also begin to grumble. All these things need to be talked about before you get married. You also need to plan and understand the things you can afford and the ones you can’t afford.

    You need to also ask yourself this question: Can I survive on our income? I was discussing with someone recently, you want to get married, brother, how much do you earn? ‘I earn 250 thousand naira a month’ Madam how much do you earn? ‘I earn N150 Thousand a month’ That is N400 Thousand a month. Can we survive on this? That is N4.8 Million a year. Can we get a house out of this? When we bring a child into the world, are we bringing him to suffer or we can provide for these children? You need to plan and ensure how you can survive on your income.

    You can’t live on love, you need money to survive. When you wake up in the morning, is it love you will eat? Is it love that will send the children to school? Is it love that you will drive? These things are so important and highly essential. Therefore, before and after you get married, there must be effective communication. You need to be communicating continuously about money issues. You need to understand whether your partner is willing to share information about financial issues or not? You don’t know how much she earns, she doesn’t know how much you earn, if I tell him now, or if I tell her now, she will say we should spend more. No! trust is the foundation of any relationship.

    Listen to this, A survey by the non-profit CESI debt solutions reveal that 80% of spouses spend money their partners don’t know about, and more than two-thirds of the respondence have had a relationship affected by financial dishonesty. Another study commissioned by the National Endowment for Financial Education and Forbes Women, discovered that 3 in 10 Americans agreed to financial deception with their partners. Of those, nearly 60% had hidden cash, more than 50% had hidden purchases, an additional 30% had hidden statement of bills and 34% said they lied about their financial debt or money earned.

    Women are victimized more often than men. According to the NEFE study, 65% of women said their partners had lied to them about finances or debts compared with 47% of men. Among those who were deceived, more that 40% said it damaged trust in their relationship and for 16% it resulted in divorce. So we need to be open about these things.

    Another important issue is this; when you get married and one party is working while the other party is not working, or you say, ’My wife will not work’ (usually I don’t subscribe to it) but if you are in that position, where your wife says she’s not going to work or you do not want your wife to work, you must provide for her sufficiently, she must have so much trust in you that she is not going to suffer for anything. She must be absolutely sure that she has sufficient stake in your life, that even when she has a dream, you can finance her dream. Because that causes a power imbalance and sometimes, the person who makes the money thinks or believes that he/she should be the person to decide on how to spend it. No! Both of you should decide on how to spend it.

    Things may be rough at the onset, you may not get some of the things you want; but as you build together your relationship through thick and thin, you become more close/intimate. But if you put your mind on money alone, money may come, but because you have not built a relationship, money becomes useless to you.

So, as much as money is very important in relationships, you need to first of all build strength of character, godliness, righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Ghost. Be a person of character while you look towards the future and commit your future into the hands of God knowing that though your beginnings may be small, your later end will greatly be increased.

    As a woman, you should encourage your husband because his ego is affected by how much he has sometimes. When he can’t pay for some things, encourage him with kind gestures and compliments and let him feel like the man he is. Pray earnestly for him.

    Remember that, you have a God, the One you can always depend on whenever you face challenges; weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

    Never compromise anything for your marriage. May the Lord help you in Jesus’ name. Amen.