Posts
Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle
(President, The Singles Fellowship, The Fountain of Life Church)
Is it possible to experience true love without money? Why is it that people are experiencing challenges with money in their relationships? Are there things people can do in order to have a good relationship and money will not be a problem? What are the things you need to do and look for when dating or when we get married about money?
Matthew 19:1-6 (NLT)
The Scriptures says that, when you get married to someone, you are united together into one. That is, when you come to the altar, when you say I do, you say I do to everything about the man or woman. You need to consider this very well so that you don’t have to say what did I do afterwards. When you say I do, you say I do to his/her ways of life. So, emotions should not be a major factor to be considered in deciding on who to marry. Emotions change, that is why it is called “e-motions”; meaning “always changing”. Therefore, if you base your decisions only on emotions, your emotions may change about the person because they are very fickle.
So, to decide on whether to marry someone or not, you need to consider so many things. When you begin to consider first how to have sex before marriage, you will stop to consider important issues, of which money or finance is an important issue.
Life Action Ministries defined marriage as stated below:
1. A holy covenant
2. Initiated by God
3. Conditioned on an irrevocable promise
4. Oneness with an imperfect person of the opposite sex
5. For a lifetime
6. To glorify God
Oneness with an imperfect person implies that you are not looking for someone who is perfect, but you are looking for someone who you are perfect together, someone who is perfect for you. You should know then that your mindset and thinking about money is different from his/her mindset and thinking about the same. Therefore, when you come into a relationship, you need to ensure that such mindset is worked on before you say I do.
There are three most important issues in any relationship or marriage, namely:
1. Communication: When both of you build a good communication, you will have a good marriage.
2. Sex in marriage: When you are satisfied with the issue of sex in marriage, it is a pointer that you will have a good marriage.
3. Money: This is one of the most important issues in marriage. It is unavoidable that must be discussed before and after marriage. Money is more romantic than divorce. Couples who disagree about finances once a week are more likely to divorce than couples who disagree a few times a week about finances. Once you keep disagreeing once a week, there is likelihood it ends up in divorce. Also, 45% of money talks among partners end up in argument. (Ref: American Express Spending and Tracker Survey). Once you start argument in your relationship, you begin to introduce dangerous things into it. You can have disagreement, but avoid argument. Argument is usually a strong destructive emotion. Spend more time in discussing on constructive issues in your relationships and marriage and doing constructive things.(Ref: American Express Spending and Tracker Survey).
If two people are in a relationship and they spend more time arguing, they are spending more time on destructive issues, you may need to break such relationship because you are agreeing on important things.
Some people indulge in pre-nuptial agreement, this anticipates divorce. It is only because of money and physical resources. However, though money is important, money should not be the reason you marry someone. This is because money doesn’t have loyalty; it doesn’t have character or traits. It doesn’t like or hate you. It is neutral to life. Proverbs 23:5. Money develops wings and then flies away. If you marry someone because of money, once the money finishes, the person will turn away from you. That is why you should know the reason someone wants to get married to you; especially if you are someone with resources.
There are some people who want to get married because they want children. Once you have given them children, such will tell you that you have finished your duty and then abandon you. Some need someone to take care of them, while some need someone to pay their bills. So, you need to investigate why someone wants to get married to you.
You need someone who believes what God believes about you and someone who will be committed to achieving what God believes about you. You need someone who has a vision.
Why is money so important in a relationship?
1. Money is a support system: It determines your comfort level. All the things that make you comfortable in this world are monetized. Clothes, cars, houses, etc are monetized, you need to buy them. Imagine you are married and your wife is pregnant, but you don’t have a car, do you think money will determine your comfort level or not? The kind of schools your children can attend and where you live all depend on or are determined by money. Holidays cost money. Whether you go on holiday to a distant place or near places is all determined by money. So, it is a support system. Without this, you will barely be surviving. If your genuine needs are not being met consistently over an extended period of time because of financial difficulties, it will affect the harmony of your relationship. Because, frustration will set in and it will put you under emotional pressure. Therefore, it will be difficult to perform the duties (sexual, physical, financial and emotional duties) you are required to perform. Once you have emotional pressure, you have emotional imbalance. Though, you may be in a situation of lack, you need to realize and acknowledge God as your source of financial provision. The solution is not in frowning but in the word of God. Job 15:12 (MSG). When your emotions take over when you lack money in a relationship and you are under emotional pressure or tension, you begin to speak fire. Whatever you speak is what will happen in your relationship. Proverbs 14:30. When there is provision for you, it is robust body. Sound mind will make you look good and healthier. Lack of money corrodes your body and makes your think too much causing hypertension. You income level will determine the kind of problem you will have or face in a relationship. Low income people, there major problem is access to resources is usually difficult. This will increase there stress level and often result into fighting and poor health. For medium and high income people, there problem is not usually about getting the money, but about spending it. That is, accountability.
You can’t live on love, you need money to survive. We live in the world, though not of the world; if they spend money in the world, we will need money in order to build healthy and successful relationships in the world. Money is neutral, neither good nor bad and neither positive nor negative. It can be a source of security or anxiety, comfort or curiosity. God has created us with good tastes to richly enjoy all things; money changes our taste and gives enjoyment.
2. Money can be an opportunity for power or impotence: When a man doesn’t have money, it affects his ego and renders him incapable.
Why is money a big source of problem to married people who have said they are committed to one another? It is important because we are from different backgrounds and have seen money from different views. Some come from a background that encourages people to save, some otherwise while others are from an indifferent or neutral background. In a relationship, when you have different opinions about your expenditures, you need to discuss and balance yourselves. Because, a saver always concentrates on the future; when you do that you may neglect what you need to do in the present that can build your relationship and bring both of you closer to better intimacy. Therefore, it is not how much money you have or don’t have that matters, but it is your attitude to money that matters. You need to know your attitude to money as well as your partner's attitude to money before you get married.
1 Timothy 6:6-10. The love of money is the root of all evil. Love of anything above God is idolatry. If you want to marry someone and you discover he/she loves money too much, it is a signal that he/she may love money more than they love you and may sacrifice you for money. He/she may give up on you for money because he/she loves money more than you.
FEW THINGS TO CONSIDER BEFORE YOU MARRY SOMEONE YOU ARE DATING
1. Is he/she looking who will pay his/her bills? Is he/she a gold digger who wants to enjoy the benefit of reaping what he/she hasn’t sown? Perhaps, he/she is a leech, that every where you go, he/she is always asking you for money. Or always ask you for the things he/she can’t afford. Does he/she expect you to pay for everything always? When you are in a relationship and people are compelling you to buy something (affordable or non-affordable) for him/her, you need to be careful because you are not married yet.
2. Is he/she secretive about his/her finances? Does he/she tell you ho much he/she earns?
3. Does he/she control you with money? Does he/she demands you to do something before he/she gives you money or gifts? Does he/she see money as a power tool? Any person who sees money as a power tool will always want to subjugate you.
4. Is he/she stingy or frivolous about money? Is he/she a saver or spender? You need to know if he/she consistently loves buying things on credit or not? Such a person becomes a debtor. How can you marry a debtor or arbitrary borrower?
5. Is he/she a lazy person or very industrious? If he/she is lazy, it will surely affect you when you get marry. Proverbs 21:25.
You need to trust God for your financial life. It good to save and have financial plans, but God is always the true source of wealth. He teaches our hands to make wealth. Deuteronomy 8:18.
Money is very important in a relationship before you get married, but it is very important that you sort it out before you get married.
To be continued...
