SERVICE IN MARRIAGE

By Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

Service is one of the keys to having a great marriage. Service involves giving yourself joyfully and not grudgingly for the benefit of others. You can give without loving but you can't love without giving.

Marriage is all about service; therefore, you need to learn how to properly serve your spouse. Without service, you can't have a sustainable, successful, blissful and fruitful marriage.

Some people go into marriage with an aim that their partners will meet their needs. This is wrong! You go into marriage with a mindset to give your very best to your partner. This is why it is important to spend more time to invest in your life while you are still single. By so doing, when you get married you will have something worthwhile to deliver to your spouse.

Service doesn't demean or debase the one rendering the service; rather, it brings respect and exaltation.

Service in Marriage

According to Matthew 20:20-28, Jesus is our perfect example because He came to the world to serve. When you go into relationship, you must understand that it not all about you but more about your partner. If you want to be blessed in your marriage, you need to serve your spouse whole-heartedly. A good marriage consists of two committed and cheerful servants while a bad marriage consists of two committed masters.

Note that, the aim of service in marriage is to out-serve or out-do one another and not for competition or rivalry. Thus, there are responsibilities that are attached to being a husband or a wife and this suggest true service.

HOW TO CRITICIZE YOUR SPOUSE CONSTRUCTIVELY

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

Text: Galatians 6:1-5

The issue of criticism cannot be ignored in a relationship. This is simply because we all have our weaknesses and your partner looking at your weaknesses in the relationship might want to react through criticism. Now knowing that we cannot help but criticize and our criticism must be constructive. While criticizing, you must be very careful because your motive must be right otherwise it will be misunderstood and you may fall off your feet.

Criticism is dangerous and can be a destroyer of relationship. If not properly handled and utilized, it may make your partner feel inferior, shameful and lose their sense of belonging. When you criticize someone there is no real guarantee that he/she will change except you do it in the right way.

You can criticize someone without being critical. You need to keep giving him/her pieces of advice from your mind until “you exhaust yourself and lose your mind”. You must operate on the basis of love. Your spouse doesn’t need to earn your love; you must learn to give it as you have the grace of God.

When you criticize your partner, it should be from a genuine concern or simply because you want to be happy together. Proverbs 11:27. If it is of a genuine concern, we will find favour and they will change but when the motive is wrong then you will get the otherwise. Proverbs 18:19-21. Therefore, the legitimate reason for criticism is to improve the other partner and for the relationship to grow. Criticism is a very bad way to make a request from your spouse.

To be able to properly criticize constructively, you need to observe the following:

1.      You need to develop the ability and attitude to overlook a lot of things:

In a relationship, most of the things people fight for or on are irrelevant things because they fail to ignore

HOW TO BRING OUT THE BEST IN YOUR SPOUSE/PARTNER (PART 2)

Preached by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

Text: Genesis 2:15-23; Proverbs 15:1-4

        Bringing out the best in your partner requires us to invest on our partner and it is a continuous process. We must invest or sow seeds in our partner in the areas we want to see growth. When we continuously invest in our relationship we will experience growth and progress.

5 Things you can do in order to bring out the best in your partner

1.      Bringing out the best in your partner depends on you and not your partner. You have to understand that in getting into a relationship you must be ready and willingly at all times to invest in your partner. That is why in choosing a life partner you must look out for someone who will add value to you while you do the same. Philippians 2:3.

You must understand the most times duty comes before happiness. What you say or do will determine to a large extent what you will bring out of your partner.

2.      Make your spouse your number one priority after God. Matthew 6:21. To make him/her the first priority after God, you will have to involve him/her in your time, finance, emotions, thought, plans, goals, visions, dreams, talks, chats and decisions. Let him/her understand how deeply in love you are with him/her. When you do these, he/she will rise up to meet your expectations.

3.      Allow him/her free expression. Let him/her be who he/she is and who he/she supposed to be. Giving him/her freedom allows love to grow faster in your relationship. So, allow him/her to be who he/she is whenever you are together. Don’t be fast to judge or condemn him/her when he/she truly and freely comes out. You have to speak to the queen or king respectively in your partner of which will bring the best out of him/her.

4.      You need to support his/her dreams. You have to invest in his/her dreams. You can do this by investing your finance, advice, time, etc in the dreams. Celebrate his/her achievements and success and appreciate him/her. Observe the good things he/she does and don’t crucify him/her.

5.      Bring him/her to God on daily basis in prayers.

HOW TO BRING OUT THE BEST IN YOUR SPOUSE/PARTNER (Part 1)

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

Text: Hebrews 10:24 (MSG, NLT)

This message will help you to bring out the best in your partner as well as other people you relate with daily.

Marriage is the fusing of two people to become one. This implies that there is compatibility between the two people. Though, it will be painful, it requires a lot of effort and adjustment in order to make it work. What you should ensure is the daily growth of both of you.

Proverbs 18:22 explains that there is a favour that comes with marriage and there are things you need to do that will bring out the best out of your partner. Fights and quarrels or unresolved disagreement can never achieve this. When you see your husband as a king and he also sees you as a queen; you will both bring out the best in your lives.

Relationship requires bringing out the best in your partner and this involve deep thinking. It doesn’t happen 

by default. When you bring out the best in him or her, it results to fruitfulness, joy, honour, happiness, fulfilment, success and victory. So, you need to be innovative, come up with ideas and ways you can achieve this and invest in your partner.

There is a treasure hidden deep in your partner’s life which you need to explore. Like a miner, you need to mine this treasure hidden in him or her and reveal it. just like Jesus Christ came to the world, loved us, saved us and brought out the best in us; you should do nothing less for your partner.

When you are dating someone, you should not do what Jesus Christ will never do to him or her because you are His representative.

Proverbs 27:17-18.

In the beginning, God gave a garden to Adam to keep and tend. The same assignment, mandate or instruction has been given to everyone. Your must keep, protect, grow and improve your spouse. You should learn how to keep and tend the garden.

One of the reasons why some men have challenges in their marriages is because they are not tending their gardens. Your spouse is like a garden which you must take good care of and invest in her so that you can enjoy the fruits she will produce.

If you are in courtship with someone, if you or your partner cannot say after some time that you are better and improved that he or she met you; it means you or your partner aren’t investing (enough) in your relationship. Relationship is a hardwork and you should labour together.

You must love your partner more than you first met him or her. This is because you must have been discovering each other all along. In order to help your partner in knowing you well, even when he or she annoys you, you should behave well and learn a better way of doing things. Make sure you always resolve your differences so that they don’t degenerate into crises. When he or she offends you, make sure you bring the best out of him or her even with the offence. This is an act of genuine and sincere love. Before you act or do anything in your relationship ask yourself this question: “will this action bring out the best out of him or her?”

Nobody has ever divorced because they cannot meet the needs of their spouses. They divorced because their own needs are not met.

Because love involves bringing out the best out of your partner, you should seek for how you can invest in him or her and do things primarily in his or her interests. This is why relationship requires lot of patience.

Whatever you desire to see in your spouse make sure you work it out in him or her. Make sure all you do is to bring out the best in him or her. As you work towards your growth, ensure that you are always on the same page, working together.

RESULTS OF BRINGING OUT THE BEST IN YOUR PARTNER

The following are some of the results of bringing out the best in your partner.

      1.       It brings out the best in you:- Whatever you sow you will reap. What you should do or ways you should react should be in such a way as to bring out the best in him or her. By doing so he or she will not only grow, you will grow as well.

     2.       It helps your both of you to fulfill God’s work or assignment for your relationship. This enhances the fulfillment of what God called both of you to do.

     3.       It creates a wonderful environment for your children to grow. They will observe both of you and desire to grow and become like you.

     4.       It creates an atmosphere of love that will help your growth. Love is a decision you take which requires lots of effort. This effort can only be achieve when you submit yourself to the Holy Spirit. It is not a feeling you feel when you feel something you have never felt before. It is a choice you must make to be patient even when situations don’t warrant it. Remember, bringing out the best in him or her requires patience.

“Patience” means “bearing pains and trials very calmly without any complain.” That is why the first thing love is, is patience. It is a very vital means of bringing out the best in your spouse. Make sure that you don’t always seek your right but the right of your partner. Make sure you firstly discover your values, focus and vision in life. You need to know his or her values as well so that you can know where you will have to invest in his or her life.

Whatever you do to him or her, do as though God is working in you and through you to him or her. As His representative, you should always do good because God will never do wrong.

No relationship leaves you the same way it met you. It will either make you better or bitter. So, work hard to build your relationship. Where to start is to begin in Jesus Christ and build a strong foundation in a strong relationship with Him. If anything goes wrong along the way, you can always call on Him and get back to the foundation to seek for help.

Perhaps, you realize you need to surround your life and relationship to Jesus Christ today; you don’t need to wait for the next moment. If you want to decide for Him, pray this prayer with me right now: 

“Lord Jesus, I confess that you are Lord. I believe You died and rose from the dead for my sake. Forgive my sins, be my Saviour and make me a child of God from this day forward. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit, in Jesus’ name.”

We look forward to seeing you in our fellowship which holds every Monday at The Fountain of Life Church, Ilupeju, Lagos by 6pm.

God bless you.

BATTLE OF THE SEXES: 7 DIFFERENCES BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN (Part 3)

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

Genesis 1:26- ; 2:15-25

When God created the man and the woman, He made them as such that they are equal before Him; no one is superior to the other. No one is inferior to the other.

We noticed here that, when God created the man, He gave him a work to do. He did not leave him idle in the Garden. He told him to watch and tend the Garden. Therefore, as a man, there is a purpose for your life.

While man was in the Garden working, God found out that for him to fulfill the work He gave him, it is not good for him to be alone. He needs a helper that meets his need. So, a woman is made to be a helper for a man. God has programmed in her for her to help.

By implication, whoever fights his wife fights his helper. God brings a woman into a man’s life as a helper. The reason a man and a woman fights is because they are different, but their design is divine. The ways a man and a woman are wired are divine. But until we start to appreciate these differences, we will not work in unity to fulfill God’s purpose in our design.  Both need to walk and work in unity of purpose.

DIFFERENCE 4: WOMEN ARE INTUITIVE WHILE MEN ARE ANALYTICAL

Usually, a man wants the fact and looks, observe and sees the facts. He premises his decisions on facts. He wants to add up things as a way of critically analyzing issues. But a woman sometimes is not like that. Women a highly sensitive to feelings. It is important to be led by the Holy Spirit. Two spiritual spouses will always

BATTLE OF THE SEXES: 7 DIFFERENCES BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN (Part 2)

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

The first thing you will find out when you get married is that “love is patient.” God designed a woman different from man with a reason. Although, there are exceptional cases; but the differences we are considering are for most men and women.
The way a man thinks as different from the way a woman thinks is to help in decision making in their relationship. Both are not to compete because of their differences, but to complement each other.
Sometimes, duty comes before joy and happiness. So, men need to be patient and very wise enough to handle their spouses so that they can be happy in their relationship.

DIFFERENCE 2: - PHYSICAL DIFFERENCE

      1. The physical appeal or appearance of a man and a woman usually shows certain differences between the duo. While a man’s body shape is straight and rectangular with strong biceps, a woman’s body shape is curvy and busty. Someone once opined that God must have made man from raw materials and woman from finished products.
      2. Women have more hormones than men. This is why they are more emotional and very touchy. For instance, when a woman is pregnant or in her menstrual cycle, her hormones are usual in high action that she gets to be very touchy and emotional.
When women with such abilities submit to the Holy Spirit, they will be able to control their emotions and act in ways they will not hurt themselves or other people.
      3. In 1 Peter 3:7, we can infer that men are usually physically strong. Most men are usually 15% stronger than most women. This is to help them fulfill their roles as a “protector” and a “provider” for their families. Man’s God’s given strength is not for him to beat his wife turning her to a punching bag; or bully the children under the disguise of chastening them. It is for him to serve her and the entire family.
     4. Men are moved by what they see physically but women are moved by what they hear. So, while most men engage in looking around and surveying, women engage in talking and listening to hear good things.
     5. Sexual Drive: - Sex is only to be practiced in marriage. The sexual drive for men is always present. Men are usually the initiators of sex and for them they can have sex anywhere. For women, it must be in a conducive environment, comfortable enough to stimulate them and build up their emotions because they want a sexual build-up. Most women want to be prepared mentally before having sex. Don’t just get her annoyed or tired because she always want to be prepared emotionally and mentally before having sex.
     6. Women response to feelings while men response to sight (what they see). You must treat her with much care. Give her surprise calls and gifts. Give her sweet compliments and good gestures. You can send her sweet rose flowers. Just do things for her out of the ordinary. You can also help her in doing some of the house chores and in the kitchen. Because men are moved by sight, women should make sure they look queenly gorgeous at all times for their spouses. For instance, wake up early in the morning to appear before your husband as a clean queen so that he carry a beautiful picture of you as he steps out of home for work. By this, he will be able to keep a good memory of you throughout the day, keep the communication with you and avoid liable temptations.

DIFFERENCE 3: - WOMEN ARE EMOTIONAL, MEN ARE LOGICAL

     1. Though all people are in touch with their emotions, but women are more emotional than men. They are usually prone to feelings. They say words like the following when engaged in discussions: “you don’t know how I feel”, “dear”, etc. They refer most times to their feelings when in conversing.
On the other hand, men are logical as they always want to reason out things. They ask questions to get down understanding in details every bit of an issue or situation. When it comes to business, work, family, etc, he is usually logical because he wants to take responsibility for all things.
Most women keep silent when they are highly emotional and troubled. When you she says to you “nothing”, you need to just hold her hands and keep silent. There are many things to learn and understand in silence.
Sometimes, the emotions of women are right and same time, the logic of men is right. Then, it is important to be wise in taking decision. Research has proven that more women are treated for depression than men because they are more emotional.
     2.  You need to be careful on how you handle the issue of money in a relationship. Women can be very emotional in giving. She barely thinks before giving out money. But, a man ordinarily will first of all sit down and reason out things before taking a decision or action. Women are usually drawn to people in need than most men. What is most important that both of you should always seek is whether both of you are happy or not.

Woman Crying Uncontrollably

    3. Most women cry about four times more than men. This affects them in their life endeavours even in spiritual matters.
    4. When women are emotional, they talk more. But for men, they rather bottle up and get angry than get to talking. When you have any disagreement in your relationship, make sure you quickly sought out things and don’t hide your forgiveness. As a man, you are a leader; you are the first that should seek for reconciliation and forgive. Resolving issues is not about what or who is right or wrong. When your spouse unearth her emotions – the way she feels, it will help a lot in solving many problems. So, allow her to talk.
Men should understand women’s emotions in order to avoid manipulation.

DIFFERENCE 4: - WOMEN ARE INTUITIVE, MEN ARE ANALYTICAL

    1. When a woman talks, you need to listen. She will seem nagging at times; it is because you haven’t heard her. Though some women nag when they talk about their emotions and feelings. When a woman talks and expresses herself, she doesn’t necessarily wants you to proffer solutions but just to listen attentive to her.
Men that know how to treat their spouses well are those who know how to listen attentively.
Women should support the logical visions, goals and ambitions or dreams of their spouses.

BATTLE OF THE SEXES: 7 DIFFERENCES BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN (Part 1)

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle
Bible Text: Genesis 2:18-25.

God created a man and a woman giving them individual specific roles. Women are made to be helpers while men are made to be workers.

DON'T FIGHT

When God gives you an assignment, He will give you the anointing and ability to fulfill it. If He has called you to be a man or a woman with particular roles, He will give you all that you need to fulfill the roles.
God has a purpose for the man which is different from His purpose for the woman. His plan is as such that when both come together in marriage, it is with an aim to fulfill a divine mandate.
If you are in a relationship and you can't appreciate the differences between a man and a woman, you can't enjoy the benefits therein.
According to 1 Peter 3:7, women need to be understood. When a woman says she is not heard, it implies that the man needs to give more attention to hearing her. Understanding in this sense means, "To be under the opinion or stance of someone (in this case, your partner)."
Marriage is not a place for competition because both partners are in the same team aiming at the same goal while the devil is the opposition team. Both of you need to work and labour together to achieve a successful relationship.
"That a woman is a weaker vessel" as quoted in the above-mentioned Scriptures means, "she is very fragile and expensive like porcelain." Therefore, you must treat her with so much care and love.
The way a man thinks and processes information is quite different from the way a woman thinks and processes information. You need to understand the way your spouse thinks and processes information. Lack of this understanding will affect every aspect of your relationship.
Can you imagine if all the people in the world are just men or just women? We will live in a very boring and lifeless world. Both men and women are needed in the world and one is not an advantage over the other as they both have their individual and unique roles to play in order to fulfill God's plan.
As a result, in a relationship the opinion of both partners are equally very important. Get to know, understand and appreciate your differences so that you may grow and have a successful and fruitful relationship. Proverbs 24:3-5.

DIFFERENCE 1:
WOMEN ARE RELATIONSHIP-ORIENTED WHILE MEN ARE WORK-ORIENTED:-

BOXING RING

1. Naturally, a man will always see fulfilment in his work, winning a competition and just conquering. He has a conquer mentality. He wants to be in charge and prove his abilities. So, he likes competitions; that is why many men like games like football, boxing and other highly competitive games that steer up their passion.
On the other hand, women are not as such because relationship is not developed in the boxing ring or on the football field/pitch. They are relationship-oriented. The reason most women have more friends than most men and they trust easily than men.
2. A woman gets her identity from the relationships she builds. A man gets his sense of accomplishment and identity in his work. As a result, women are very emotional while men are very logical always wanting to reason out all things.
3. Women are more regular in Church attendance than men and they are often open-hearted. They love to always discuss in details including their daily endeavours. They always expect men to say more than a few words like "it is good", "it is well", "okay", "fine", etc.
Men speak an average of about 11,000 words a day while women speak about double of these words a day.
A woman wants her spouse to give her attention when she talks. Listen to her and be interested in her discussion both in the private and in the public.
4. Women tend to work harder to keep their relationship and please their spouse than men. While men on the other hand take their relationship to be a project because they are work-oriented.

5. The relational part of a woman makes her always love to practice hugging people. She loves to hear fondle words softly spoken like "I love you", "I miss you", "I like the way you handle our children", "I love the meal", etc. But, a man wants to hear things that pertain to his achievements in his work, conquest and exploit or ego.
6. When a man loses his job, it is usually traumatic for him and his relationship. At times, such gets him to do crazy things and behave foolishly if not properly handled. To him, loss of his job makes him lose his rightness and identity and he feels like a failure (that he can't provide and protect his family or relationship).
This is because, his mentality is that he is working to protect and provide for his family. But, for a woman, her mentality is that she wants him.
7. Men tend to be prideful because they are success-oriented. Women want their spouses to give them most attention because they are relationship-oriented.
8. Women always want to talk to their spouses. You need to give her most attention not the football you are watching or the work you are doing. When you do she will possibly join you in watching or in working.
This suggests that if there is anything your spouse is interested in doing, get interested in it. It could be shopping, football, movies, sleeping, traveling, etc.
9. Because of man's orientation, the way he thinks about intimacy in relationship is by having sex. Genesis 34. But a woman's affection is usually moved by words not really sex. So, when you meet a woman for the first time, talk with her and get to know her. Don't act hastily asking for her phone number or BB pin. By so doing you are short-circuiting the necessary discussion that should begin every relationship.
10. Women move to nurture relationships while men move to achieve their works.
11. While a man wants his spouse to give attention to his work, ambitions, visions, goals, pursuits and opinions both in the private and in the public; a woman wants her spouse to give attention to her when she is talking and discussing both in the private and in the public.
When you are in courtship, don't get busy sleeping with each other, engage in quality discussions and get to know more about each other doing proper evaluations. Otherwise, the man will face his work after you are married.

...TO BE CONTINUED ON MONDAY, MAY 21, 2012.

HOW TO KNOW I AM IN A RIGHT RELATIONSHIP (PART 1)

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

"GOD TOLD ME"

Sometimes, when people want to go into a relationship, they often go with the notion “God told me” and therefore perceive it to be a right relationship. But, maybe you actually told yourself because you have seen the man or lady so well often times then you feel it must be God bidding you to go into a relationship with him or her. Even when it seems like you have certain things in common and everything seems to match, it is still not a substantial proof to say whether it is a right relationship or not. The mathematics of God usually is not man’s mathematics because a good thing may not be a God-thing. God has a good plan for you; you need to discern it and follow His plan and purpose so that you will live a fulfilled life. Though God is interested in you having a good relationship and building a successful and fruitful marriage; but you must be willing to follow His plans for you.

At times, when you go into a relationship that is right for you, you end up messing it up because you fail to see the wrong things in the relationship. Relationship is not only about enthusiasm.

Enthusiasm

“Enthusiasm without knowledge is no good; haste makes mistakes. People ruin their lives by their own foolishness and then are angry at the Lord.” Proverbs 19:2-3 (NLT). Even if you feel enthusiastic about a relationship, if you don’t have the right knowledge and take time to find out to know the quality of the person you want to court you will mess it up. You need to give time to test things. It is a process, so you must have time to test the relationship even though you have enthusiasm. As a result, you need to get wisdom and get understanding. Open your eyes to see if the relationship is good for you or not so that you will have no reason to complain to God. Otherwise you will get hurt.

“Faith comes by hearing…” By this, even if God has told you certain things about the relationship, you need to continue to walk with Him so that He will always speak to you about it. He can open your eyes to all the things you need to know. When people get into a relationship and they don’t seek for knowledge and open their eyes to truth, they get hurt and ruin their lives. Then, they complain to God. Although God might have told you to go into a relationship, but you need to keep listening to Him and hear things He has to say to you about the relationship for it to be successful. That is the pattern of faith.

THINGS TO CONSIDER IN ORDER TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP

Laying the foundation courses

1. Lay a good foundation: As written in Isaiah 28:16, you can compare a relationship or marriage with Zion. In Zion good things happen just like whoever finds a wife finds a good thing. Proverbs 18:22. There is a foundation in Zion, in the same way, if you want the goodness and peace in your relationship or marriage you need to lay a good foundation. When you have a foundation it is assumed that you are ready to build and that there will be challenges in the future. If you will go into a relationship, it is assumed that there will be challenges. So, you need to build a foundation. The deeper the foundation the higher the structure you can build.
As single men and women, the single life is a time to build a deep foundation so that you can have a successful relationship. The proper foundation any man can lay in life to have a successful and fulfilled life is Jesus Christ. 1 Corinthians 3:11-13. Jesus Christ is the beginning of any relationship and if your relationship is not built on the word of God it will crash.

2. Use the right building materials: The kind of material you use in build your relationship is very important to the survival and success of your relationship. 1 Corinthians 3:12-13. If you use gold, when fire comes and challenges arise, it will purify it and make it more successful, strengthens it and make it grow instead of destroying it. Therefore, when you build your relationship with the right ingredients, when you pass through fire and challenges it becomes better, stronger and it grows. On the other hand, if you build it with straw, when fire comes on it and challenges arise, it will be destroyed.
When you are in a relationship, rather than sleeping together get to talk and discuss to build a strong and better relationship. If you build your relationship on sex before marriage (pre-marital sex), it is a foundation for disaster in marriage.

3. You need to build according to pattern: There is a pattern for building a right relationship in the word of God. Just as God gave Moses a pattern for the building of the tabernacle, for you to have a successful relationship you must build according to the pattern of God for marriage. Jesus Christ is the Architect; He has given you the plan drawings which are in the Word of God. Jeremiah 29:11. You are the Builder, you need to read and study carefully the Word of God and interpret the design pattern accordingly so that you build in total compliance with the pattern. It is pathetic to know that so many people today are building relationships and marriages that are not in line with the pattern of God. Look at the plan of God for your relationship in the Word of God and translate it appropriately to build your relationship.

4. You must try your foundation: Even if the relationship you are intending for has been given to you by God, you must try it and it takes time to try a relationship. The need for this is to carry out adequate stability test on it to ensure it can withstand pressure and also to know if it has strengths of character. For you to test it, it has to be through time. Give your relationship the test of time. This requires a process.
When you hear people say “God told me”, you need to be careful because every man has the ability to hear four voices – The voice of God, their personal voice, other people’s voices and the voice of the devil. There are people who are going into a relationship (because they had a voice) but they cannot sustain it. They don’t have an inclination of what it is all about.

5. Don’t act hastily: You must not jump into quick conclusion and don’t make a very fast decision. There is a blessing for someone who is patient. When you spend enough time with the person you intended to go into a relationship with (as a friend), you may discover certain things that will help you decide not to go into a relationship with him or her. Whether you like it or not the person you are going to marry is like a Prophet to you. He or she will prophesy either the right or wrong thing to your life, or make you feel less than whom you are or make you feel your real worth and challenge you to greater things. The Word of God instructs us to test every spirit to prove and discover if they proceed from God. 1 John 4:1.
You need to put your intended spouse’s daily actions to test to know whether his or her attitudes are good or not. You must test and prove all things to keep to what is good. 1 Thessalonians 5:21. Don’t go around setting traps for him. Rather, let him be himself and as he deals with you on a daily basis, you will discover things that you cannot do without, things that he needs to change and things that are like warning signals which indicate if you go on with the relationship and enter marriage, you are heading for trouble.

Let him/her go if need be...

Don’t go into a relationship with the notion that “he or she will change”. You are not the Holy Spirit. He is the only one that can convict and change any man. You must see progress and signs of change before you ever think of proceeding in the relationship to marriage. Don’t just commit yourself to the man or woman, let him or her prove to you he/she is worthy of you. 1 Corinthians 4:2 (AMPLIFIED). Don’t cheapen yourself and think that if you don’t agree to his pressure he will leave. Be resolute on that if he will not stay by accepting your standards let him go before he spoils your life. Only commit yourself to someone who has proven to you faithful.
When you are in a relationship you must talk and talk and talk. Don’t stop talking because that is what the discovery process in a relationship involves. Don’t sleep together. Once you start sleeping together you will stop talking and once you stop talking, the discovery process terminates.

CONSIDER THESE THINGS BEFORE STARTING A RELATIONSHIP


1.       YOU NEED TO KNOW: You need to have the knowledge of things to check out for in the relationship. If you lack this you will not be able to know if the relationship is good or bad. Hosea 4:6. Knowledge is firstly important.

2.       GET YOUR MOTIVES RIGHT: You need to check your motive for the relationship to see if they are right or wrong and be sincere. You must always check motives. People go into relationship for different reasons; for instance, to feel safe, to run away from home, to satisfy parental pressure or peer pressure, to deal with rejection (because he or she needs someone to love and validate him/her), to give love, etc. You must know why you are in the relationship whether to give love or not. We are all products of influence in life. A lady who has suffered rejection will naturally give in to anyone that shows her some interests and perhaps fall for his mischievousness. You must have the capacity to know what is good for you and what is not good for you before you can rightly discern a right relationship.

3.       YOU MUST HAVE THE CAPACITY TO EVALUATE & ASSESS: “To evaluate” means “to put value and worth on something and be able to determine its significance on a particular condition.” Imagine if someone wants to interview you for a position and does not have the knowledge of the position. There are people who are like this; they interview others for a position of husband or wife without knowing who a husband or wife is and their roles. Such cannot conduct a successful interview. If you don’t know what his/her roles are you will not look for them. You need to get knowledge. If you don’t know what is right how can you carefully think about it? 1 Corinthians 15:34. You need to carefully evaluate the person you want to marry so that you don’t have a bad relationship.

No relationship leaves you neutral as in the same way. It is either it makes you better or bitter. Every relationship changes you, it will definitely takes something from you and give you certain things. Think carefully if you are going into a relationship.
If you have someone who is having a feeling of rejection and insecurity, such person is always looking for someone to validate her. Even when she is looking good, she wants someone to validate her look to feel some happiness and adequate.
The challenge is that nobody can give you self-esteem and make you feel really good except yourself. You have to do it by yourself through the help of God by the Holy Spirit.

4.       RELATE AT YOUR LEVEL: As human beings we like to walk and relate at in levels. Usually, we relate with someone who is like us except the person exhibits some things we don’t like. You need to go into relationship with someone who is at the same stand point with you, someone who is attracted to the kind of person you are and have the same ideologies with you. If you go into a relationship with someone who is expecting to receive love just as you are also expecting to receive, you will be disappointed. One of the reasons we have divorce, so much hurts and disappointment in relationships and marriages today is because the expectations of one or both partners are not met. When your needs for the relationship are met. If you don’t know how to give love and validate yourself you cannot give it to another person.

5.       LET LOVE STARTS FROM YOU: When you are disappointed because your needs are not met in a relationship, you get hurts, makes you sick and feels heartbroken. Proverbs 13:12. That is why you need to give love to yourself first rather just expecting to receive it. That is where it starts. How you know things are right in your relationship is by checking from yourself first of all. How much love have you given yourself before you expect someone else to give you love or give love to someone else?

There is nothing like love at first sight, it is lust at first sight. It is true you are attracted to someone at first sight because it is eye-to-body contact communication, yet this is not love because what you see at first sight is the container, you need to find out about the content before you decision reasonably on whether to love the person or not.
When you are in a relationship and things don’t work out, it doesn’t mean you are a bad person. It is simply that you are not compatible. You are not looking for someone who is perfect, but someone who you are perfect for you.

Remember that, when you are in a relationship, ensure that you prove all things and lay a solid foundation. To know whether you are in a right relationship or not, first of all you need to find out from your point of view whether you know things that are right. It is important to start from yourself.

TRUST (Part 2)

Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

(President, The Singles Fellowship, The Fountain of Life Church)

Text: Psalms 125:1 (MSG)

From the above Bible text, we can see an illustration that God is consistent in His character in all situations. It is difficult and almost impossible for a marriage to grow and be successful without trust.

Answer this question???

Trust is a risk so much that you become vulnerable when you trust someone. A man that has not met God will be difficult to trust. Ordinarily, it is difficult to trust any man. When you are looking for someone to trust and marry, look for someone who has put His heart in God’s hands. You can trust someone who is spiritually minded; someone who is fulfilling the qualities of love which are written in 1 Corinthians 13. But never trust someone who is carnally minded; someone whose thoughts always center on carnality.

Relationship starts from the internal and not from the external. Don’t work from outside-in as most people always want to do. There are some people you think you know but in reality you don’t know them. So, you need God to reveal their inner minds to you in order to know them. The heart of man is very important when it comes to the issue of trust. Therefore during courtship, evaluate, discover and find out if his or her mind is stayed on God.

Someone who wants to please you at the expense of pleasing God cannot be trusted.

Another definition of trust is, it is firm reliance on the integrity, ability or character of a person or thing. You need to discover if the person has the capacity to be trusted and fulfill the marriage vow before you go to the altar.

Therefore, courtship is a period to discover his or her capacity for trustworthiness with the Holy Spirit being your partner. There are some things that your senses, intellect or emotions will miss. Such, your spirit should never miss.

When you say you trust someone, it implies you rely on the ability of the person to stand by his or her words. Trust doesn’t come with the commitment of relationship. It has to be built, strengthened and maintained daily by constant actions. You need to be consistent in your characters and integrity.

It takes time for trust to be built and it takes a long time to build it; while it takes just a short time to destroy it.

HOW DO WE DEVELOP TRUST

Galatians 5:6

Put your trust in God first...

1.       HAVE FAITH IN GOD: - We believe in God simply because we trust Him. The reason we trust Him is because we know He can never fail. And the reason we know He can never fail us is because He loves us. So, faith is as a result of love. Little children trust their parents explicitly because they know they love them. Just as faith works by love, trust also works by love. Without the love for God in your heart, Satan has in-route into your heart. This kind of love is God’s unconditional love. This kind of love develops trust. The person you show this kind of love (with the qualities in 1 Corinthians 13) will trust you. Note that, your partner will feel accepted and not rejected when you show this kind of love to him or her.

2.       COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY: - If you love someone, when you are together and you feel sexually aroused, you should express yourself and once you share your feelings; your partner will feel accepted and not rejected.

Communication helps trust. You should be able to communicate effectively when your actions change. Before you get marriage, trust should be established that is while you need time. If you give trust to someone who doesn’t deserve, you give him or her license to destroy you. If you want to get married, make sure you totally trust your partner.

When it comes to trust it has to be total. Just as total faith is required to receive anything from God; total trust is needed for a successful relationship.

When your trust is not total in a relationship you are double-minded. When you are double-minded you are wavering; when you are wavering you will not be able to get certain things you are supposed to acquire in the relationship.

You may be deceived if you trust too much; but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough. If you don’t trust enough your love is not total and fear will set in and then result to torment and severe agony. The devil introduces fear once you don’t trust enough.

When you fail to totally trust your partner fear sets in. Once fear sets in, it leads to doubt and eventual accusation.

Trust is a responsibility. When you say you trust God, it means you put a responsibility on God that He is will do all He has said. Likewise, when someone trusts you, it is a responsibility that you will be faithful in your commitments to him or her. The vows you made on your wedding day, the promises you made to your husband or wife, the trust your children had in you in providing for their different needs are all examples of the responsibilities trust suggest to us.

Trust grows in an environment of love. When there is total trust there is safety and security. Psalms 62:8. When you trust there is fulfillment. Proverbs 31:10-27. Trust ensures that one is not hindered in a relationship and ensures that you fulfill your full potentials as no one is intimidated or suspicious. If you want fulfillment ensure there is trust in your relationship.

RESULTS OF LACK OF TRUST

1.       FEAR

2.       DOUBT

3.       ACCUSATION

4.       ANXIETY

5.       SUSPICION - You will be unnecessarily spying on your spouse. The attention and love will be viewed with suspicion. Everything he or she does will have a sense of strings attached.

6.       DESTRUCTIVE ARGUMENT – Since you are always arguing, little time will be spent in building the relationship.

7.       LOW SELF-ESTEEM - It diminishes people’s self-esteem. For someone who has been betrayed before, ordinarily, your defense is always high up. And probably as you go around not trusting people and if a good partner comes your way you may lose him or her.

Consider that the case of Jesus Christ, though He was betrayed by Judas Iscariot, He did not use him to judge and define the whole of humanity or stop from fulfilling His purpose. But rather empower the Church. Sometimes, you need to forgive, heal and move on in life. There are good and godly people that can be trusted.

In developing trust you must do the following:

1.       You must trust yourself. Work on yourself first. Proverbs 22:18. Don’t go out looking firstly for someone to trust. Rather, first of all consider if you can be trusted by someone else. Before you look for a good thing, ask yourself if you are a good thing. Before you point accusing fingers to someone, ask yourself if you can be trusted.

2.       Trust is earned and as you grow daily in it. Ensure you are always sincere and truthful. Don’t lie either deliberately or by omission.

3.       Do things daily to reinforce your trust in someone. Do not be excessive in your actions or attitudes towards someone.

4.       Always work on your communication skill to ensure effectiveness. Don’t give out intentions or say what you don’t mean. Always talk about your feelings every time. An abusive relationship is the one where you cannot talk about how you feel at any time. You must be able to talk and talk and bring how you feel about everything. Trustworthy people talk about everything.

5.       Avoid keeping secrets that is having emotional tone on you. To keep secret demands a lot of energy. Sin thrives in secrecy. If there is no love that will ensure trust is generated and developed in a relationship, there will be no protection of the lives involved.

6.       Don’t try to meet someone else’ needs in order to meet yours. Openly communicate to know what his or her needs are.

7.       Also, praying together will help develop trust. Though sex bond couples; but couples that pray more together talk much more and enjoy one another more. They also enjoy sex more. You need to ensure you always pray together.

8.       Make sure you resolve issues quickly. Don’t go to sleep on the same bed without resolving issues. Some people deny their spouses having sex or eating in the house because they are angry or they were wronged. Then, fear, doubt, accusation and insecurity set in. When there are issues, sit down and solve them otherwise the devil will build on them.

9.       Keep trusting in God so that you will not keep relying on suspicion. When you start to talk to God, He will start to reveal you certain things about Him. Keep the channel open to God. Don’t be anxious.

Karl S. Elvry says, “Trust enables you to put your deepest feelings and cares in the palms of your partner‘s hands knowing they will be handled with care.” Ensure that he or she is in God’s hands and that his or her heart is committed to God. Then you can commit your heart to him or her. God is the beginning and end of trust. A man or woman that has committed his heart to God can be trusted.

May the Lord help you.