YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN

By Pastor Nomthi Odukoya

Often times, we think we are all by ourselves, we think nobody cares about us and that our negative circumstances will never change. Whilst it is perfectly normal to sometimes have thoughts and feelings of despondency, it is not requisite that we accept them as being permanent part of our lives. When the sun sets, it is only to rise again. It does not by any means suggest that we are going to be covered in darkness forever. The same thing applies to adversity; it’s only for a while and it is an introduction to your breakthrough.
The book of 1 Samuel 30 tells us of a man who was in a hopeless situation. He was sick and as a result his master had forsaken him, left him to die in spite of all the years of service to him. We don’t know the kind of thoughts which were racing through this man’s mind as he laid there hopeless on the ground. All we know is that God suddenly turned this servant’s situation around when David found him in his pursuit of the Amalekites.
Some people have been abandoned by their spouses in spite of the years and sacrifices of devotion to their marriages or relationships. Some have spent years in relationships which they hoped would result in marriages, only to be dumped by the other party along the way. For such people, it is a dream shattered, the feelings are usually such that it’s too late to meet somebody else and start all over again. One thing is sure; if God was able to connect David to that Egyptian then, He is able to connect your desired future too.
Interestingly, David needed this man’s help as much as the man needed him. That’s how God will do it for you. There is something that God has deposited in you which will attract the other party. The same reasons for which people might have left you will be the same reason that will attract others to you. You will suddenly become the miracle they have been looking for and vice versa. David had what the Egyptian needed: food and care, and the Egyptian had what David needed: the location of the enemy. So, never see yourself as worthless (perhaps because someone did not appreciate you or feel the same way you feel for him or her, that is share the same feelings with you); there is something about you that will help propel the other person’s life forward.
Whether you have been wounded by life’s circumstances or you have been waiting for a long time, there are lessons to draw from the Egyptian which will help prevent some common mistakes we make when entering a new relationship from a previously sour one:

1. Do not be hasty; find out more about the relationship.

The 15th verse shows us that the Egyptian was not too desperate not to negotiate his security and welfare. It is possible that David and his man could have used him and dumped him. When entering a relationship, we should not turn blind eyes to critical issues but instead, we should ask questions to make sure there are no traps set for us. This is also to ensure that the person we are dealing with is genuine. We will not fall into wrong hands in Jesus’ name.

2. Allow enough time to heal.

It took the Egyptian three days to regain strength. David did not rush him until he was sure was able to stand back on his feet. Under no circumstances should you feel compelled to enter into a relationship when you feel you are still vulnerable. Entering a relationship in that state may break you instead of building you. Imagine what would have happened to the Egyptian had David rushed him into action when he was still weak. Some assignments like a relationship require your full state of mind.

3. Have faith.

It is not good to be overly suspicious of people based on what other people have done to you in the past. Learn to trust again. The Egyptian whilst he was careful how he entered the relationship with David, he still had some level of trust. He discerned that they had genuine intentions and he was ready to move on and not dwell in the past or wallow in self pity. Letting go of the past helps you prepare for a healthy relationships in the future. David also had faith that the Egyptian would not deceive them. Having faith will help you sustain good relationships.
God has some much in store for you and in due time, all things will fall in line for you. You are not forgotten and never will be. It’s your time, so don’t give up.

4. All things work together for good.

There is a reason for every happening in this life. For instance, had God not allowed the Egyptian slave to be abandoned by his master, David probably would not have found the necessary help to locate his family. Also, the Egyptian would have been wiped off along with the Amalekites when David finally found them. So, there is a reason you are where you are today and it will progressively get better as God unfolds your future in Jesus’ name.
God does not forget, He has not forgotten you. His promises stand forever. Isaiah 49:14-16.

21 QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE MARRIAGE

By Pastor Bimbo Rosemary Odukoya

The Bible says that, “a man who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord.”
Proverbs 18:22. But we must understand that the finding is a process and it is a serious task. This process involves seeking and elimination. It takes time and energy. Ignorance of what this process involves is what makes many singles sad and discouraged or rush into mis-matched marriages.
The truth is, finding just any type of life partner is easy; you can pick anyone off the street and go to the altar with him/her. But the heart-breaks and rejections from failed relationships are not easy at all. If you must find that one who would do you good, that one who is tailor-made by God to fit you, then you must invest time, even if it means waiting for some time. After all, the Bible says, “a virtuous woman, who can find?” Proverbs 31:10. This indicates that finding a good person, whether a man or woman does not come easy – you have to search diligently for them.
Experiencing a long delay before marriage is not a bed of roses, neither is it easy to keep waiting when all your peers, friends and younger siblings are all getting married. I sincerely do sympathize with all of this, but it is better to suffer some pains now than be sorry in marriage. You need to be patient and never hurry. Based on my marriage counseling experience, I can safely say that ten broken relationships are far better than one divorce. You’ve got to take time and get it right so that you will not suffer later.
There are only two kinds of pain: the pain of regret and the pain of discipline.
The pains of regret are delayed pains. You suffer these pains in the future by not doing things right in the present. But the pains of discipline are the pains of today; you suffer them for doing things right, now, but you will definitely enjoy the rewards later in life. Many today are suffering the pains of regret.
Let’s consider this true experience shared by a lady called Alice, to illustrate the point:
“I met my husband at a time when I was really desperate and anxious about getting married. We got married after a four-month courtship. Things were fine up to a point, but thereafter, the struggles and pains started. I found out, to my dismay that my husband was given to anger and a violent temper. He was also very jealous and uncomfortable with my success, things I never suspected before marriage.
“I was into business before I married and was doing well. He told me that he did not want me to do business anymore, because I was a married woman and it would bring too much attention from men to me. So he closed my flourishing business. I got pregnant eight months into the marriage, but discovered, even after I had my first child, that having a child did not improve the situation.
“Today, I am neither fulfilled nor happy. My husband oppresses me a lot. He talks down at me in public and in front of friends and family. It is even worse now that I am not working and I have to depend on him for everything. He compares me with other women who are working and making money, and he calls me a liability and a lazy woman. Worse still, he has entirely refused to take care of our first child!
“There is no respect anymore and no love, if it ever was there at all. I look at my husband and I look at myself and I wonder how I ever got to this point. We are so different, poles apart in everything!
“Today, I am 32 years old and I see an old woman when I look into the mirror. I am so unhappy. Obviously, the issues that I should have raised before marriage are now my undoing. I was busy preparing for my wedding, but I never prepared for my marriage. (Wedding is only a day- or two-day event, but marriage is an event of lifetime). I realize now that they are two different things entirely. What was I ever thinking to mess up my life this way?
“I am pregnant with the second child. And recently in an angry rage he beat me up in my pregnancy. I am afraid for my life. I do not love this man and I think that I probably never did. I guess I was in love with the idea of getting married than with him. I have decided to move out and raise my children alone…”
Young people must understand that the altar is not the end of marriage, rather the beginning. And there is absolutely no way you can make it successfully in marriage without knowing yourself and your partner. And in relationships, knowledge does not come by gazing into each other’s eyes, fondling with each other and playing on each other’s emotions, but by asking relevant, necessary and informative questions. Your mouth is the tool God has given you to save yourself from future pains and pitfalls. The mouth is not for unholy kissing outside marriage, but for talking, asking questions and for effective communication.
Who you choose to marry will either make or mar you. Unfortunately, a lot of people forsake wisdom because they believe that the solution to a bad marriage is divorce and single parenting. This is even worse because the only thing divorce does is that it makes you exchange one set of problems for other greater ones. Therefore, the wise thing to do is to take care and choose right. For those of you who are yet waiting, please wait some more and get it right. It may appear a long wait for you right now, but I tell you the days and years are longer in a bad marriage.
God desires for you to have peace and enjoy your marriage. He has prepared someone good for you and somewhere in this world is that someone who would be compatible with you spiritually, socially, intellectually, mentally and physically. However, the responsibility of finding this person is yours. It is a serious task but it is not as difficult as some have made it to be; if you know what to look for and how God thinks.
Often times, people have a special desire for a particular person, but if at the end of the day the person you desire cannot walk with you, you will be frustrated. Therefore, God’s intention is not so much about Him giving you your heart’s desire, but giving you who can walk with you. That is why. When choosing a life partner, you must be very prayerful than any other thing. God will lead you but at the end of the day you are the one who would have to choose for yourself; He will not choose for you but only when you allow Him to influence your choice. (Psalms 37:3-9). That is why the Bible says, “He that finds…” and not “God that finds.”
The reason behind this is that your maturity may be tested. Marriage is about two mature people joining as one, therefore if you are not mature enough to choose right; it follows that you would also not be mature at taking right decisions in marriage.
Life is all about decisions. The questions we would be looking at here are designed to help us make a right, matured and spiritual decisions on our marital partner:
1. WHO AM I?
Before you can know the person who is right for you, you must know yourself. If you do no know who you are, it would be impossible for you to find the right person to fit you. The Bible asks rhetorically, “Can two walk together except they agree?” (Amos 3:3). It is very vital that you too should have in you the qualities you are looking for in your future partner. For instance, if you want a prudent husband /wife, you must be prudent yourself or else you will have confusion in your home. Do you want a sincere, faithful and honest/truthful husband/wife; you must be sincere, faithful and honest/truthful alike. Do you want a perfect gift from God? You have to be a perfect gift yourself or else that perfect gift will intimidate you.
2. AM I OBSESSED AND COMMITED TO THE WILL OF GOD?
God’s desire is to affect our entire lives for our own good. His commandments are therefore all embracing. In determining your commitment level, you need to ask how far you are willing to go in walking with God and whether there are areas you consider too sacred for God to touch. Also consider how obedient you are to His Words written in the Bible.
3. DO I HATE SIN WITH MY ENTIRE BEING AND WITH A PASSION?
Through self examination, one should be able to say whether one abhors sins or there are areas in which one is willing to accept compromises. It is true that no one is perfect, but if you marry someone who compromises and who does not see sin as sin, then you have problems in your hands.
4. IS HE/SHE A COMMITTED BELIEVER OR CHRISTIAN?
The Lord says that, “Do not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever…” 2Corinthians 6:14-18. He is the Manufacturer, Author and Maker of marriage and relationships. He alone knows what is best and has given this instruction for our good, peace and bliss. For perfect spiritual compatibility, a Christian (devoted follower of Christ) should choose a Christian, a Muslim should choose a Muslim and other non-Christians should choose non-Christians. If you marry a non-Christian, be ready to be an in-law to the Devil (idols).
5. WHO AM I INTELLECTUALLY?
You must also be able to know your intellectual strengths and abilities, that way you can determine who can agree with you in this regard. Based on your academic accomplishments, you should be able to say whether you are likely to be threatened by your spouse’s intellectual accomplishments or whether you will be able to provide leadership, and in fact enhance her.
6. WHAT IGNORANCE WOULD DISTURB ME?
Some people are very exposed and well informed about life, social etiquettes, world politics, fashion, current affairs, etc; but others are not. And such ignorance may be irritating; therefore, it is advisable that you look into this area carefully.
7. WHAT PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL QUALITIES DO I HAVE?
Apart from the spiritual and intellectual knowledge of one’s self, the emotional, sexual and physical aspect is also equally very important. In the aspect of the emotions, you must find out if you are an extrovert or an introvert; if you make friends easily or not, etc.

8. CAN I LOVE THIS PERSON FOR LIFE?
You need to be sure that this person you have chosen to marry you will live him/her till death separates you, come what may. Matthew 19:3-8.
9. DO I KNOW THE QUALITIES I AM LOOKING FOR IN MY INTENDED SPOUSE?
You must know what you want in an intended spouse or else you could see him/her but not recognize him/her. Possibly list them and let the Holy Spirit guide your listing against selfishness.
10. DOES HE/SHE HAVE QUALITIES I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT?
A lot of people settle for qualities that they can live with, but this is an error. It is wiser to choose partner with qualities you cannot do without. As we cannot live without air and water, there are some traits/things that we need our partners to have that will make life more comfortable and bearable for us.
11. CAN MY INTENDED COMPLEMENT MY EFFORTS TO FULFILL MY PURPOSE IN LIFE?
This is very important, but first of all, you need to identify your purpose. That way you can now tell who would be able to complement you and who cannot. Your spouse must be committed to you as well committed to your purpose.
12. CAN I HELP OR ALLOW HIM/HER TO ACCOMPLISH HIS/HER GOD-GIVEN PURPOSE IN LIFE?
If you desire someone who will help you to get to where you are going in life, you should also be willing to reciprocate the gesture.
13. IS HE/SHE FLEXIBLE AND UNDERSTANDING OR RIGID AND UNCOMPROMISING?
You need to have a person who can adjust to your needs. If he/she is not, it is indicative that the choice you have made is a poor one.
14. AM I PROUD OF HIM/HER?
Can I proudly introduce my intended partner to my family and friends or am I embarrassed to take him/her out to visit people? Can we walk together along the street, sit together in the car or any other public transport means? Am I always excited when people see us together? Can we wear same clothes?
15. DO I KNOW MY INTENDED PARTNER’S STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES?
Concentrate therefore on knowing the person you are intending to marry rather than indulging in sex, petting or necking as these would create false intimacy, arouse unguided and unguarded emotions and blind you to objective judgments.
16. AM I READY TO ACCEPT HIM/HER WITH HIS/HER FAULTS?
You need to decide if you can celebrate your intended partner with all his/her faults and weaknesses. If you cannot, you’ll end up frustrating yourselves. You must understand as you take steps to the altar, that marriage requires unconditional love, an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. In spite of his/her faults, you must love and celebrate your partner in marriage. Therefore, care must be taken to know the faults and imperfections of the person you have chosen to marry.
17. DO I ACCEPT HIS/HER FRIENDS AS MY FRIENDS?
If you are uncomfortable with your intended partner’s friends, it is a pointer that you probably do not know him/her enough and you can’t afford to marry a stranger. Marriage will commit you to accepting his/her friends, family and all he/she stands for and show that you have fully accepted him/her.
18. HAVE WE DISCUSSED OUR DIFFERENCES?
You need to discuss those basic things that are very different between you two. For instance, family background, educational background, differences between a man and a woman (physiology, mannerism, characters and traits/habits, etc).
19. CAN WE PLAY TOGETHER?
Life isn’t all about work, business and all that seriousness. A couple needs to relax sometimes and just play. Do you play together? Can you indeed play together? Can you cope with his/her hobbies?
20. DO WE BRING OUT THE BEST IN EACH OTHER?
Do both of you encourage and inspire each other to greater heights? How does your presence or intervention affect his/her performance? This is very important.
21. AM I MARRYING HIM/HER BECAUSE I BELIEVE I CAN CHANGE HIM/HER, BECAUSE MY FRIENDS LIKE HIM/HER OR MY PARENTS PRESSES ME TO MARRY?
It is instructive for you to note at this time that you can’t change anybody. If you don’t like what you see now there is every tendency that it will still not change in marriage. People are unhappy in marriages today because they believed at one point that they could change their spouses.
The list of questions is not exhaustive, but they are pointers to the right direction.
For more information and direction on how to choose your life partner, please get the message titled “100 QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE MARRIAGE” by Pastor Bimbo Odukoya. You can post your comment on this message or post your questions here by clicking on COMMENTS below. Kindly feel free to share your experiences with everyone reading and following us here too. It is my prayer that as you act wisely and exalt the principles of God, you will find your right partner.
God bless you.

SPIRIT GUIDED RELATIONSHIP

Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

James 1:22-25; 1Kings 2:2-4.

A lot of people want to have the methods of relationship; things like “5 things to do in relationship”, “7 ways of love”, “101 Questions to ask love”, etc. these are good but to sustain a relationship, you need something more than these.
To be a good spouse, you need to be a good and committed Christian. Of a truth, what you need to be a good spouse is the same thing you need to be a good devoted Christian.
Many Christians started their relationships and ended shamefully. They ended up fooling themselves. This suggests to us that it is not all about listening to the counsels from Christian messages in Church or reading the Word of God, but more of doing all that He says to us. If you want to be successful in marriage and sustain your relationship, you must be ready to absolutely obey God and fully adhere strictly to His words and commandments.
God initiated marriage. Genesis 1:27; 2:18-25. When you are going into a relationship or courtship with a view of marriage, you need to understand that God is the Manufacturer, the Author and the Architect; and only He has the manual to guide on how to go about it as such to maximize it to optimum benefit. Therefore, you need to put God first before setting out and stating your choices or desires of your intended partner or spouse.
You cannot judge a man by his past; you need to look into his future (with futurescope) to appropriately assess him.
Marriage is a spiritual relationship, not just a physical one. Its challenges can only be fully dealt with and met by two genuine spiritual people using genuine spiritual principles, ideas, philosophies and guidance. Christians are spiritual beings because we have the same image as God. John 4:23-24.
Proverbs 18:18; Ephesians 5:22-23. God is the Initiator of marriage relationship and He is the only one who joins two people together. Matthew 19:6. In the Scriptures, anywhere issues of marriage relationship are mentioned, God is mentioned too. This ascertained the truth that God is the Initiator of marriage relationship, as a result of this, it can only be sustained in Him through His Spirit; not by human efforts, natural instincts, strength or sagacity, “…for by strength shall no man prevail…”, “…not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit says the Lord Almighty.” Zechariah 4:6.
The God-factor is very important in any relationship. Don’t decide on who you are going to marry outside God’s counsel, that is, in the flesh by mere observing and prioritizing the physical appeals than to the spiritual contents. There are beautiful witches and handsome devils. You need to see the “Corpse Bride” to indisputably understand this. Let God influence your decision and choice.
The person you date or court at the time you enter into a relationship is a function of the level of your spiritual life, that is, your relationship and daily communion with God (and His Spirit).
Genesis 3:1-13. God started marriage relationship with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden and they were in the bliss. But Eve lost her spiritual senses when she chose to see with her physical eyes and perceived with her mind only. The devil took advantage of this and cunningly deceived her. She also went ahead to persuade her husband Adam. They both were derailed having deceived into disobedience and failure to heed to God’s commands given to them in the Garden. They also neglected the bidding of the Holy Spirit and followed their instincts, personal judgment, perception and logical reasoning which were manipulated through deception by the devil.
Whenever you leave the spiritual realm in your relationship, you begin to move from bliss and peace to kiss (a deceptive sign trying to reassure love), quarrel, misunderstanding, miscommunication, egoism, etc. Whenever you disobey God’s instruction on how to go about your relationship, you will become naked, naked to the wiles and schemes of the devil (your chief enemy); become ashamed and disgraced.
If you want a good relationship, you need to submit totally to the Holy Spirit. He will give you life and peace.
Ephesians 5:18. You need to be filled with the Holy Spirit. If you are not filled with Him when you are in a relationship unwholesome, bitter words will come out of your mouth in response to offence or hurt, instead of forgiveness. Marriage is two perpetual forgivers leaving together. You need to watch what you speak to each other in relationship; do you speak bitter words or better words? Words that build or that which destroy? Graceful words or demoralizing words?
Whatever controls you will definitely control your relationships. What controls you? Is it the Holy Spirit of God, natural instinct or selfish desires of the old man?
It is absolutely impossible to love, respect and submit to each other except you are filled and guided by the Spirit of God. I love to remind you that, the same principles you need to be a good spouse/partner is the same principles you need to be a good and devoted Christian.
Can you imagine dating someone who is always at war within him/her as a result of not been filled with the Holy Spirit? Such a person can only give you want he/she has within, like troubles, struggles, stress, hot-temper, selfishness, anger, hatred, quarrels, jealousy, envy, etc, all of which are manifestation of the flesh. You can only give what you have; you cannot give what you don’t have. Galatians 5:19-26.
Let the Spirit of God guide your life.
Note that, the desires to do good intentions is the centre issue. One of the works of the Holy Spirit is to guide you to rightly desire and do good things. Life is full of desires, for this reason, life is all about control, and about what controls you.
You can only manifest what you consistently meditate on. There is power in daily meditation. When you are in the Spirit (praying in tongues and meditating on the Word of God), it will be almost impossible for you to commit sin and you will be able to judge all things rightly. In fact, you will respond to every situation with love easily because the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of love is in control of you.
“He will keep you in perfect peace whose heart is stayed on Him…” Isaiah 26:3.

CONFESSION
I believe by now you must have assess your life to see if you have been led by the Spirit of God or by your lustful desires. You can only be led, guided or controlled by the Holy Spirit when you give your life to Christ to become the Son of God. “For as many as are led by the Spirit, they are called the children of God…” Romans 8:14-16. Ephesians 1:13-14. I therefore invite you to accept Jesus Christ into your life today if you are not saved yet, that His Spirit may come and abide in you. If you are deciding for Him today, just say this prayer:
“Lord Jesus, I am a sinner. Please come into my life and forgive me all my sins. I believe You died for my sins and rose from the dead. Now, fill me with Your Holy Spirit and guide me from this day forward. Thank You Lord for loving me. Amen.”

SEXUAL PURITY

Tayo and Gloria started courting fifteen months ago; as Christians, they had decided to abstain from sex. Initially, the decision not to have sex was easy for them to stick to but as their relationship progressed and they bonded emotionally, the physical attraction between them also intensified. A lot of prolonged hugs and kisses soon ensued between them; the more these occurred, the further they went in their caresses. They progressed from touching and caressing each other through their clothes, to direct caresses on each other’s skins; a few times they even had skin on skin contact (partial nudity). One day, after an intense period of kissing, necking and petting, Tayo and Gloria wondered if what they were doing was wrong but they reasoned that since the Bible warned against pre-marital sex (fornication) and they had never actually had sex, then they had not sinned in expressing their passion for each other.

It is perfectly natural that as a couple court and become intellectually and emotionally intimate, they will also begin to desire sexual intimacy. This desire for sexual intimacy is not by itself, sinful; God made our bodies, he gave us our hormones and sexual drives for a purpose: bonding, pleasure and procreation within the context of marriage.

It might be impractical to say that singles have absolutely no form of physical contact and that is why hand holding, hugs and even pecks on the cheeks are not frowned upon but even so, courting singles must be on guard. With every form of physical contact, no matter how “innocent” it might seem, passions are being stirred and the danger of “wanting more” can arise.

It is therefore very important that courting couples set boundaries for themselves long before their hormones start raging. They have to decide early in their relationship, ways of expressing their love for each other that will not “push” them into sexual sin. If one of them is aroused by the other’s apparently innocent touch, both of them must back off immediately and acknowledge that that form of contact is forbidden between them.

Sexual purity (chastity) is non-negotiable for a Christian single and it goes beyond not having pre-marital sex. It involves avoiding anything, thoughts, words, or actions, which can create and seek to satisfy sexual desire.

“But don't think you've preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices — they also corrupt.” (Matthew 5:28 THE MESSAGE)

“God wants you to be holy and completely free from sexual immorality.” (1Thessalonians 4:3 TEV)

Christian singles must avoid any behaviour, no matter how harmless it may appear, that could lead to sexual sin. We need to understand that consensual sex does not just happen; it is the end-result of compromises that two people in a relationship or courtship habitually made.

Christians have to stop being legalistic about scriptures; while the Bible is only specific on fornication and does not mention kissing, necking (kissing on the neck) or petting (caressing each other with or without clothing), we all know that the fundamental way to avoid sin is to avoid anything that could lead to it! Indisputably, deep kissing, necking, caressing and other body sexual touches (other sexual, non-verbal communication) can lead to fornication. Take note please! They are examples of common sexual foreplay which the today, people have turned to norms in relationships.

Sexual foreplay involves actions that are meant to arouse and end in sexual intercourse. If Christian singles want to remain chaste and avoid fornication, then they must avoid foreplay. Behaviours such as passionate kisses, necking, petting and lying on top of each other, whether or not they are fully clothed, are all forms of sexual foreplay and are absolutely wrong. Sexual foreplay is only meant for couples in marriage who want to have sexual intercourse (because God only made sex for marriage) for sexual arousal.

Therefore, in marriage for married couples, sexual foreplay is godly and is an act of love. Consequently, for people in relationship or courtship, sexual foreplay is an act of lust not love. NOTE PLEASE!

Contrary to their own analysis, Tayo and Gloria are no longer expressing love but lustful desire for each other and they are engaging in sexual sin. They must put a stop to their actions immediately. The fact that they had to wonder on the “rightness” of their actions means that somewhere deep within, there is a voice of caution (Holy Spirit who is reproving and correcting them) and they need to heed lest they sear their consciences.

When singles choose to fantasize about sex and engage in foreplay, they shouldn't be surprised when they end up having sex, because that is simply the natural progression of their thoughts and actions.

Of a truth, sexual foreplay is an attitude or act we learnt to become somewhat a relationship norm from the western culture, perhaps through the media (Hollywood, Magazines or internet surfing). Western culture should not determine our attitudes in life, only the effective, infallible Word of God should do. Out of every 10 singles you find in the western world (e.g. U.S.) in a dating relationship or courting, 7 of them usually end up having sex before marriage (if at all it leads to marriage; nonetheless, increases the chances of divorce). This is because they usually engage in sexual foreplays beside other prominent sexual abuses that are rampant among them. Also, the more reason for increasing rate of divorce, single parenthood, adultery (and other forms of marital infidelity) in the western world.

God is not mean; He would not tell us to abstain from sexual immorality if it were impossible to and neither is it His intention to deny us pleasure. He only reserves such pleasures for us in marriage not otherwise. He has gotten other kind of pleasures for us as singles; we only need to discover and maximize them now that we are singles to enjoy. 1Timothy 6:17c. You can read the message in this blog below on “HOW TO ENJOY LIFE AS A SINGLE”.

In obeying Him, we are protected from harm and do not have to worry about late periods, venereal diseases, and other emotional and psychological consequences of premarital sex. We learn the virtue of self-control and are empowered to build strong relationships and marriages.

It is never too late to make a decision for sexual purity. If you have lost your virginity or perhaps you are in a relationship or courtship and like Tayo and Gloria you were involved in sexual sin (sexual foreplays), you can start over today. The first step is to acknowledge your sin, repent and ask for forgiveness.

“But if we confess our sins to him, he can be depended on to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong. [And it is perfectly proper for God to do this for us because Christ died to wash away our sins.]” (1John 1:9-10 TLB)

Then, do away with everything that will remind you of those sinful acts like sexual films, pornographic magazines or online (internet) pornography.

You will also need to take the following steps:

If you are on a date or in a relationship/courtship, guard against spending much time alone or staying together late in the evening in the dark or alone. Go on group dates, visit public places and define your boundaries. Also when on dates, give more attention to talking rather than touching. In dating relationship or courtship, the mouth is intrinsically for talking and discussing, not for deep kissing.
Be cautious of the company you keep; avoid people who will not encourage your decision to walk in sexual purity. It is also advisable that you find someone that you can be accountable to concerning your relationship. He/she must also be committed to sexual purity and willing to pray for and with you.
Do not expose yourself to places, things or any form of entertainment that will weaken your decision to be chaste. Today, many secular books, magazines, films, songs, etc have sexual undertones; it is your responsibility to guard your heart against their offenses and the best kind of defense here is to flee. Desist from indulging in using them. “What you refuse to decide on now will in the long run decide on you.”

Whenever you sense yourself giving in to sexual pressure, don’t hang around to pray, cast out a devil or “take your stand in Christ”, FLEE from the situation.

Most important of all, PRAY. 1Thessalonians 5:17. By this practice, you will receive daily grace from God. Never assume that you can overcome sexual sin in your power; only by the grace of God. Commit every aspect of your relationship to God on a daily basis and also pray before and after every date.

THE POWER OF COMPLIMENT

Have you noticed that sometimes, "ordinary" looking people seem to have no problem with getting into a relationship or making good friends?

Have you observed that customers would rather join a longer queue waiting to be served by a particular co-worker than by others with short queues?

Has it come to your attention that your staffs prefer to work with a particular team leader than with others?

If you answer “yes” to at least one of these questions above, you just might discover, after asking around, that their secret is an unwavering habit of paying compliments to people.

A compliment is an admiring comment, a kind remark about someone else. It shows that you are paying attention to and appreciate the person you are talking to. The power or value of a sincere compliment is not seen as its size (number of words spoken), but in its effect on both the receiver and the giver.

An admiring comment is beneficial to both the giver and the receiver; it induces positive responsive emotions in the receiver which then bounces back to the giver in form of an irresistible, infectious smile or a returned and reciprocated compliment. It creates an affectionate connection between the giver and the receiver thereby strengthening their relationship and enhancing intimacy or unavoidable closeness.

Is your marriage losing its closeness? Have you found that your relationships, courtship or marriage lack a “certain quality” that you desire? You may need to check your “compliment-o-meter”.

Take the time to look for truly endearing or commendable qualities in your spouse, children, parents, siblings, friends, etc; and then tell them about it. It shows that you hold them in high esteem and it will lift their spirits

Compliment must be giving with all sincerity. It is an attitude of love; the more reason it must be giving with all sincerity, because love is sincere. 1Corinthians 13:4-8a.
A compliment contains immense, immeasurable power. It has the power to brighten an otherwise bad day, enhance closeness in a relationship and break the ice when meeting someone for the first time. You simply cannot lose with compliments; the more you give, the more you will receive.

Tips On Giving Compliments
Always remember that compliment is all about the other person. Comment on their admirable quality and not your impression of that quality. e.g. “You have a wonderful voice” rather than “I think your singing was great” or “You look great in that dress” rather than “I like that dress” or “I enjoyed this delicacy so much, it’s with a sweet sensation because you are a great cook” rather than “Your food is sweet, hmm m m”.
When paying a compliment, keep eye contact with the person and please, smile! Eye contact implies that you are sincere about what you are saying and not just “buttering up” the person.
Don't limit your compliments to people’s physical appearances. We are all more than just our looks; if you make the effort, you will find something good about their personalities. Though compliments help to create a bond between people, do not make them too personal unless you know the person very well.
Pay sincere compliments! When you give genuine compliments, you will be seen as someone who cares about others and their achievements, and not just your own. Giving sincere praise is an act of kindness, and kindness is an attitude of love. 1Corinthians 13:4a. Thereby, you earn and build trust which is an indispensable pillar of any meaningful relationship. Trust is earned, not giving. A compliment followed up with a criticism smacks of insincerity and envy; and may finally end up in distrust.
Don't compliment a person too often; it can be irritating and also gives the impression that you want something from him/her.
Compliments given in order to manipulate or take advantage of others are usually obvious and are always turn-offs.

In the work place, paying compliments can be delicate but as long as the compliments are limited to achievements on-the-job and do not extend to personal appearances, it is acceptable. Wisdom is profitable to direct in all things.

When a manager or team leader compliments someone, it encourages him/her, builds goodwill, often fosters a willingness to go the extra mile and enhance good work-relationship. Colleagues can make their work environment more conducive by complimenting each other; a simple “you make my work easier and I appreciate you” or “thank you so much for the assistance” can result into improved productivity.

Tips On Receiving Compliments
Many people do not know how to receive compliments. This could be due to the fact that they do not receive compliments often and so do not know how to gracefully accept them, they are shy about receiving compliments or the do not give/pay compliments to others. Thus, their response is to either brush the compliment aside or put themselves down; this is wrong.

When someone pays you a compliment, the proper response is to show appreciation for their kind words with a smile (avoid a grin, it may imply deceit) and a simple “Thank you” or “It’s my pleasure” or “Huh, it’s kind of you”. These are few examples of words of sincere acceptance.

The truth is that it is pleasant to know that you are appreciated but if you keep rejecting them, people will stop complimenting you. A gracious acceptance of compliments does not make you immodest.

In the business world, it is good business etiquette to respond by giving a compliment in return when someone gives you a compliment.

Whether it is to enhance your marriage, relationships or business, compliments have an undisputable, indomitable force which can help you to achieve your goal, even faster or quicker than ever envisaged. Why don’t you give a trial today and see the difference it will make in your relationships, courtship or marriage.

TOUCH OF TRUTH

Ejiro is the second of her parents’ three children and the only female; from an affluent family, she had her secondary and university education in Canada and on completion of her education, Ejiro stayed back in Canada to work. Ten years later, Ejiro was a successful legal practitioner and still single. Though she had been in a number of relationships over the years, none had led to marriage and quite frankly, her singleness no longer bothered her; she wanted to get married but if it did not happen, she was okay. However, her family was not happy about her attitude; they felt that her attitude was a product of the “foreign” country she lived in and so her parents began pressurizing her to come back to Nigeria and “settle down”. They wore down her resistance and Ejiro returned home five years ago.

A year after her return, Ejiro met Korede at a dinner party hosted at a European Embassy. They became friends and shortly afterwards, Korede asked Ejiro to be his girlfriend. She really liked him but she decided to seek the opinion of a few friends before agreeing to his proposition as she had been in the country for just a short while and was not sure of his reputation. Her friends told her that Korede was a “good catch” and that she should not let him get away; they had asked around about him and the general consensus was that Korede was a good man though according to some of his ex-girlfriends, he was sometimes eccentric. Finally, when nobody raised any red flags, Ejiro said yes to Korede and they began a relationship. Ejiro’s parents were delighted at the development. In the course of their courtship, Ejiro noticed that Korede kept several medicines in his bathroom cabinet; when she asked him about it, he said that he had high blood pressure and needed to take some pills daily to control the ailment. This was no big deal to Ejiro and she even began making adjustments to their diet so as to reduce food items that could raise his blood pressure. Two years after they first met, Ejiro and Korede got married.

Just over a year into their marriage, Korede began showing signs of possessiveness over Ejiro; he got jealous if he saw her speaking to another man and also called her on the phone several times a day to check up on her movements. At first, Ejiro was flattered by his behaviour but as it became a constant part of their lives, Ejiro became upset. She told Korede that she wasn’t interested in any other man and tried her best to more careful about relating to members of the opposite sex but the more she tried, the more suspicious he became. It got so bad that she had to stop some of her friends from visiting her home as Korede believed they were the ones “leading her astray” but all her efforts to assure him of her fidelity and commitment to their marriage failed. Ejiro practically cut off all other relationships in her life before Korede eased up on her.

Shortly after their relationship picked up, Ejiro became pregnant. They were quite happy about this and began making preparations for the baby’s arrival. In the fourth month of the pregnancy, Korede began having mood swings; this was totally unexpected and caught Ejiro unawares. One minute, Korede was happy about the baby, the next he denied responsibility for the pregnancy and accused her of being unfaithful to him, and within the twinkle of an eye, he would burst into tears and beg Ejiro to forgive him for the accusations. Ejiro was at a loss as to how to deal with Korede and she became worried that he might somehow harm her; as it was, she was not getting much needed rest and sleep and was losing weight. By the time Ejiro was six months pregnant, it was clear that she was emotionally and physically stressed so the doctor put her on bed rest; her mother then moved in with her so as to take care of and help her around the house.

It was not long before Ejiro’s mother noticed that things were strained between Ejiro and Korede but she did not say anything as she did not want to pry into her daughter’s marital affairs. Things came to a head one morning when Korede accused his mother-in-law of being a witch and of trying to turn his wife against him; Ejiro’s mother was alarmed by Korede’s accusations and she told her daughter that she was returning to her own home. At that point, Ejiro told her mother about how Korede had changed over the past months, she said that she was growing afraid of him and did not want to be left alone with him. Naturally, Ejiro’s mother grew worried so she decided to continue her visit but she reported everything that happened to her husband and Ejiro’s brothers; the family decided to keep close tabs on Ejiro and her mother. Over the next few days following that incident, Korede’s mood swings became more intense but he soon appeared to calm down. Though the situation in the home improved, Ejiro and her mother were still uncomfortable with Korede’s behaviour and they found it hard to put their guard down around him.

One morning, Ejiro woke up to the sound of Korede’s weeping. All efforts by Ejiro and her mother to calm him down and uncover the reason for his crying failed; after almost an hour of non-stop crying, Ejiro called one of Korede’s brothers reported the issue to him and asked him to come over. In short time, Korede’s brother and one of his sisters arrived with an elderly man who they introduced as their family doctor. They followed Ejiro into the bedroom where Korede was still crying and the doctor gave him a sedative; almost immediately, he drifted off into a deep sleep and they all went to the sitting room.

As they sat down, the doctor said it was clear that Korede had been off his medication for several weeks and needed to be admitted into the psychiatric hospital as soon as possible. It was then that Ejiro got to know that Korede had a mental condition for which he had to take some pills every day; the pills that Ejiro thought were to control Korede’s blood pressure were actually to prevent him from becoming manic. Ejiro learnt that Korede had never liked being so dependent on drugs and several times in the past, he had gone off his medication, resulting in his hospitalization. Korede’s doctor and siblings were shocked to know that he had kept his condition a secret from Ejiro. Korede was hospitalized and his family tended him because Ejiro’s condition and the prescribed bed-rest prevented her from caring for her husband. Korede was discharged and became an outpatient a few days before Ejiro gave birth to their daughter.

A month later, after much unease, Korede broke the ice by apologizing to Ejiro and asking for forgiveness. He said he had kept his illness a secret from her because it had been the reason for many ladies breaking up with him in the past. That day, Ejiro and Korede had a long discussion and at the end they resolved to stay together; they also went to see both sets of parents and told them of their decision. It was decided that with professional counselling as well as Ejiro’s loving care, Korede would find it easier to stay on his medication; their families also promised to give needed emotional support.

Comments

Life is about relationships. It is a fact of life that we are daily building, sustaining or letting go of some relationships we have and our choices of which relationships to build, sustain or break off determine our success or failure in life. For a relationship to be successful it must have a purpose and all the persons involved in it must truly desire it. No relationship is “just there”; every marriage, friendship, business partnership, mentorship etc should be for a purpose otherwise the relationship will eventually collapse and it would all have been a waste of time. Also, it is a fact that you cannot always be the initiator of every relationship in your life, sometimes others will initiate the relationship; this means that you have the privilege of either allowing or not allowing it to develop and your choice should be based on primarily on information, not emotions. This is particularly true of marriage.

The period of courtship is the “information gathering” stage of the relationship and the choice of whether or not to get married should be based on the information gathered and not just your emotions. It is indeed commendable that Ejiro asked around about Korede before agreeing to date him but obviously she either did not ask the right questions or she did not ask the right persons about him hence her ignorance about his illness. It’s not just about asking questions, but asking the right questions (we encourage you to buy Pastor Bimbo’s book “How To Choose a Life Partner, 165 Questions To Ask). How do you know the right questions to ask, pray; tell God to show you things that you ordinarily would not see by yourself. Don’t be fooled by how “smart” people say you are, involve God in your decision making; you would be surprised the kind of things that God will either open your eyes to see or cause people to reveal to you.

Korede really liked Ejiro but past experiences had taught him that revealing his illness could cause her to break up with him so he decided not to tell her the truth about the medicines in his cabinet. He knew what he wanted and he did all within his power to get her. It was Ejiro’s responsibility to find out about Korede; during their two years of dating, she never once picked up one of the bottles to read its name, much less what it was for. Please note that when a man or woman wants you, he or she will tell you whatever you like to hear just so as to become a part of your life; it is your responsibility to guard your heart.

If you discover something you do not like during your courtship, you can choose to either break up the relationship or continue if you believe you can either live with it or the person you are courting is willing to work on that weakness. However, if like Ejiro, you only find out after marriage, divorce should not necessarily be your next option. It is a proven fact that there are many things we think that we cannot live with yet we can. If like Ejiro, you find that your spouse has a mental illness, your first thought should not be divorce but how you can help him/her. Visit his/her doctor, get online, find out all you can about the illness and how it can be managed; marriage is not about your convenience, it is a covenant relationship you vowed to stay in for better, for worse. That is why it is important to do all necessary things before you say “I DO” so that you won’t have to say later “WHAT HAVE I DONE?” It is a good thing that Ejiro decided to stay in the marriage but the truth is that Korede was wrong to have deceived her. If you love a person enough to marry him/her then you should trust him/her enough to reveal your true self to the person during courtship. If knowing your weaknesses or area of challenges will cause the person you are courting to leave you, then he/she was not meant for you and will probably still leave after marrying you; lying just postpones the day of reckoning. Sincerity, trust and truthfulness are indispensable pillars of a meaningful and healthy relationship and marriage.

If your spouse has reproductive problems, start thinking of adoption. Does he/she have a child outside marriage? Let him/her be responsible for the child’s upkeep; if you can, bring the child into your home. There are many issues that can crop up in a marriage and it is true that some of them can be very painful, but I encourage you not to take any decisions in the heat of the moment. Give it time, pray, seek godly counsel from godly people whose wisdom have been proven in times past, before you do anything. Your case need not end up in a divorce court; like Ejiro you can produce a testimony from your test. God bless you.

IF THIS ARTICLE TOUCHED YOUR HEART, YOU MIGHT WANT TO TALK TO ANY OF OUR PBO FOUNDATION COUNSELLORS BY CONTACTING The Fountain of Life Church on 01-8980183/5 or 08035800201. E-mail: pastor@tfolc.org
You may also visit our website at www.tfolc.org

IF ONLY...

2000 is one year that Emeka will never forget. It marked the end of one phase of his life and the beginning of another; both phases had to do with relationships he was involved in.

Seven years earlier, Emeka began dating Toyin, a lady he met while on campus. After dating for about three years, they decided to get married; neither of them foresaw any problem as their relationship was known to their family and there had never been any resistance to their relationship. It was therefore a great shock when Toyin’s father opposed their marriage plans because they were from different tribes and this was more disturbing because it wasn’t a something that could be changed. After four years of unsuccessfully trying to change her father’s attitude, Toyin and Emeka parted ways early in 2000.

Sometimes in July 2000, Emeka paid a visit to an older friend, Nnamdi, whom he regarded as a spiritual mentor. Emeka had known Nnamdi for over ten years and he trusted and respected him. The visit was at Nnamdi’s invitation; he told Emeka that he wanted to introduce him to one of his nieces, Chidinma as God had revealed to him while praying for the two of them, that they were meant for each other. Emeka was not even thinking of a relationship so he was caught off guard but after listening to Nnamdi and convinced that he had his best interests at heart, Emeka decided to get in touch with Chidinma. He got her number from Nnamdi and gave her a call a few days later. From that call, Emeka got a good impression of Chidinma; they spoke a few more times before their first date a week later. The date was nice and it was the first of many others. A month later, Emeka and Chidinma officially became a couple and he informed Nnamdi who was quite happy at the news. As their relationship progressed, Emeka grew more affectionate towards Chidinma; she really was nothing like Toyin. While Toyin found it hard to express her feelings and never gave Emeka a gift during their seven years together though he constantly showered her with cards and gifts and often told her that he loved her, Chidinma did not only tell regularly Emeka that she loved him, she also wrote him poems and sent him romantic cards and Emeka reveled in her expressions of love.

Three months into their relationship, Nnamdi again called Emeka; using the incident with Toyin as reference, he advised him against a long courtship and also said that God had told him to foot the bills for Emeka and Chidinma’s wedding. Caught up in the euphoria of Chidinma’s love and Nnamdi’s offered financial help, Emeka decided to get married within the next two months. Shortly afterwards, Nnamdi and Chidinma went to the village to see his parents; though they were warmly received, his parents were uncomfortable about the rush to get married. They wanted time to investigate Chidinma’s character and family background before giving their consent but Emeka assured them that she was a good girl and since she was Nnamdi’s niece, his parents backed down, reluctantly gave their consent and began preparing for a wedding which was to take place in a month’s time.

About two weeks to the wedding, Emeka and one of his sisters were talking about the wedding preparations and she asked if Emeka and Chidinma had done blood and pregnancy tests; he told her that they hadn’t done any tests as they were not required to do so in the church in which they were getting married. His sister advised that they still take the tests just “to be on the safe side”. When Emeka suggested it to Chidinma, she told him her blood type and said the other tests were not necessary as they had not had sexual intercourse when Emeka insisted, she reported to Nnamdi. Two days later, Nnamdi called Emeka and expressed his displeasure at the fact that Emeka apparently did not trust Chidinma even though she had never given him any reason not to and also because though he had “started in the spirit”, Emeka now wanted to “end in the flesh”. Nnamdi said that since their marriage was God’s will, Emeka had no need for any tests; he said that God will never give him someone evil and at that point Emeka apologised and gave up on the tests. In December 2000, Emeka and Chidinma got married and three months later, his world came crashing down.

A few weeks after their wedding, Chidinma began falling ill repeatedly; based on the symptoms, Emeka felt she had malaria and so he bought drugs for her to use. When the symptoms persisted and she also started developing rashes and sores on her body in addition to disturbing weight loss, Emeka insisted that she see a doctor. At the hospital, Chidinma had to have a blood test; when they went back for the results, Emeka was told to also have a blood test because Chidinma’s result revealed that she was HIV+. Emeka could not believe his ears but when prodded by the doctor, he recalled that he had once discharged some pus from his penis but when it never recurred, he had forgotten all about it. When Emeka’s result came out, he was also HIV+ Emeka was devastated and he immediately recalled his sister’s advice about going for a blood test before the wedding. He then called Nnamdi and told him all that had happened; Nnamdi did not say a word.

Emeka comes from a polygamous home and he says that one sure way to locate his father’s house in the village is just to ask for the man that likes beating his wives in public. This made Emeka decide from his youth never to have more than one wife and also informed his decision to stand by Chidinma when he found out that she became HIV+ because she had had a rough past. Though he was deeply pained, he did not castigate his wife but just began focusing on the way forward for them. They took the advice of the doctor and started receiving treatment; Emeka never told anyone, aside Nnamdi, all that had happened.

However, Chidinma became his albatross. It seemed that immediately she realized that her ‘secret’ was out, she decided to show her true colours; she became rude, stopped cooking and cleaning the house, and no longer informed him of her movements. Her attitude became a constant source of friction in their home; Nnamdi also stopped picking Emeka’s calls so there was no one for him to turn to, his home was no longer a refuge for him but he was willing to work at his marriage. This went on for five months and then one day, Emeka and Chidinma had another fight and she began insulting him. As she spoke, she said that her HIV status was known to her family and Nnamdi and she had only married him because they wanted her off their hands; she also said it was his fault he got infected as he should have taken his sister’s advice and insisted on the blood tests before their marriage. She then started laughing as she ridiculed his love for her. Emeka was embarrassed and at a loss for words at her outburst and that day, he decided that his marriage was over. A week later, on their way back from an outing, he drove straight to her parents’ house and dropped her off; that was the last time Emeka saw Chidinma.


REFLECTIONS

Marriage is meant to be a life-long relationship and it is an institution which requires a lot of patience, kindness and willingness by both husband and wife to always forgive and forget all wrongs. It is no child’s play and this is why we must be careful about the person we choose to enter this relationship with; the person is crucial to the success or failure of your marriage. That choice is so important that it should not be based on emotions (they are fickle) or appearances (which could be deceptive because they fade away/temporal). Have you ever wondered why our ancestors had good marriages even though most of the marriages were arranged? It is for the simple fact that marriage partners were chosen based on their personal character traits and family backgrounds, emotions did not play a major role in the decision making. They took time to separate the wheat from the chaff but now, we put more emphasis on our feelings and neglect to do the needful thing- study the person and make independent enquiries into his/her character. It was this, which led to Emeka’s pathetic experience.

The sole reason for courtship is to determine if the person you want to marry is right for you. A courtship is successful when both parties are committed to being honest with each other, even if it means that they might end up not getting married. It was this honesty and openness that was missing in Emeka and Chidinma’s courtship. Chidinma knew she was HIV+ and she chose to hide this vital information from Emeka; however, it was Emeka’s responsibility to find out all he could about the woman he was about to marry. When people want something from you, it is natural that they would put their best foot forward so as to gain your favour but you must be willing to dig deeper than the surface before committing yourself. This is a principle practiced by successful businessmen because their assets, time and energy are at stake so why give less attention when your life and the future of your children are at stake?

It is to save many singles much unnecessary pain that most churches insist on parental consent and medical tests for those desiring to get married. It is rare to find parents who do not wish their children the best and medical tests are advised so as to prevent nasty surprises in the future. If you have a medical condition it is better to disclose it; if the person is still willing to marry you, you are assured of his/her support whenever you need it. If the person chooses to go, it is to your advantage, you are assured that you will not be abandoned in a time of need. You have absolutely nothing to lose by doing your homework. Emeka is now HIV+ because he resisted his parents’ call for caution and his sister’s counsel to have medicals done; the truth is that he need not have gone through all that heartbreak if he had only been wiser.

“Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.” Proverbs 4:7.

God is the believers’ final authority. He has given us pastors, teachers, prophets, etc to help us in our Christian growth but they are by no means, our intermediaries with God; Jesus is the only Intermediary. The Berean Christians were commended because after Paul taught them, they went back home and searched through the scriptures to see if what he had told them were true. Acts 17:10-13. When a minister tells you something “from God”, please go back to your prayer closet and talk to your God. Let the Holy Spirit give you a confirmation. If ever a “man of God” tries to manipulate into doing what he wants, like Nnamdi did to Emeka when he wanted to go for the medical tests, please be careful. Manipulation is sin; man was given dominion over animals, not over other men.

Life is really not difficult when we commit our lives to God. He is always just a whisper away; please develop a habit of praying before taking both minor and major decisions in life. You can never go wrong with God.


DECISION

If you are yet to develop a relationship with God, I invite you to make the ONE decision that you will never regret; the decision to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour. His is the only Love worth seeking; to accept Him, please say this prayer:

Dear heavenly Father, I come to You today and ask You to forgive my sins. I believe in my heart that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. I believe that He was raised from the dead for my justification and I confess Him now as my Lord and personal Saviour. Thank You for saving me. Amen


Feel free to post your comments and questions and share experiences with others (here) below this article…

Stay Blessed and connected!

DEALING WITH THE NEEDS OF LIFE AS A SINGLE

By Pastor Taiwo Odukoya, Senior Pastor, The Fountain of Life Church.

Philippians 4:1-23.

Paul expressed a situation where he was in a great need and how he got strength and answers from God through His word. He actually acknowledged his needs, but never succumbed to the pressures from the demands of his needs.
Paul learnt in the midst of his needs how to abase so as to abound. That is, he learnt contentment and humility.
You can not define life in terms of needs or with respect to needs. There will always be a need in your lives at the different certain stages of life. There are basic needs of life which include among others; food, clothing, shelter… It is when these needs are settled that one thinks of marriage and relationships.
You need to have self-esteem and self-respect in order to command respect from others, thereby you achieve confidence. These are parts of the needs of life.
Paul got his confidence through the words of God to move on; until he began to move some needs were never met in his life.

Don’t be moved by your needs, let your eyes be fixed by grace in God’s words. Paul resolved that whether he got his needs or not, he will move on to fulfill purpose. For some people, their needs are stumbling blocks to their purpose.
To most singles, the prevalent need is how to get married. The instruction from God is that, “DON’T WORRY.” Therefore, instead of being bothered and pressed over your prevalent needs, rejoice and look up to God in prayers. By this, you will not get stocked because your testimonies are on the way and you will celebrate.

Cast your burden on Jesus.

The way the world defines our needs is different from the way the Bible defines them. The more reason you need to study and believe the word of God, and put your trust only in Him. Your needs or possessions can not define you. Only your spirit working in accordance with the Spirit of God and God-given abilities and potentials can rightly define you (in the will of God).

Needs are psychological on nature while pressures are socio-cultural or environmental in nature. So don’t allow pressures to overwhelm you, wait on God’s will. In your ability, there is a divine partnership. It is the strength of God that will make you to abase so as to abound and present nothing from stopping you.
Phil.4:13.

Life doesn’t depend on marriage; it’s only part of your purpose. Your purpose is greater than marriage, so don’t be limited by the need to get married. Pursue purpose and wait patiently on God.

“The person waiting is the one that is walking yet not weary. He is the one who keeps moving on in life, watching God regardless the pressures of his needs as such to manifest God’s will.”

CONFESSION

Make this confession to yourself by faith and believe God I may not always have what and all I need, but by the grace of God, they will never deter me from fulfilling purpose.

ALL THAT GLITTERS...

From Pastor Bimbo Odukoya Foundation

I am a woman in my late forties; I am happily married with four children. My husband is a successful and God-fearing businessman. I consider the fact that he is a Christian who honestly loves and fears God as his most important quality because of what I have been through in life. You see, this is my second marriage.

I met my first husband, Deolu during my first year in the university. He was in his third year, from a wealthy home, charming, tall, handsome, and also a club chief. When we started dating, I was the envy of many ladies on campus because he was considered as one of the main “catches” on campus and by dating him; I automatically became a member of the happening group on campus. We dated throughout my four years on campus and by the time I finished NYSC and got a job, we were already talking marriage.

I want to say at this juncture that I was brought up in what is regarded as a “Christian home”; this means that my family went to church every Sunday but beyond that, I must confess that our lives were no different from that of non-Christians. We had good moral standards but none of us could actually say that he/she had a personal relationship with God.

As a result of my background, I did not place a high premium on Deolu’s spiritual state. He had told me that he was an atheist. He said that he did not believe in God but he did not believe in the devil either; he was neutral and was only concerned with being a decent man. At first, when he told me that he did not believe in God, I thought he was joking but over time, I realised that it was true; he did not practice any religion but he was so well behaved that my parents quickly grew to like him. I did not really mind his atheism although we had agreed that he would let me take our future children to church as long as they went willingly.

I married Deolu six years after we first met and I settled down to a marriage that I believed would be “happy ever after”. We were both doing well in our careers and had three lovely children, two boys and a girl. I was a contented woman until the balloon suddenly burst.

We had been married for just over nine years when I suddenly developed symptoms of a veneral disease. I was alarmed by this development, as it indicated that Deolu was being unfaithful to me. When I confronted Deolu with my suspicion, he became angry that I had the audacity to “query” him in his own house. I was hurt and shocked at his response and before long we were having a hot argument and the next thing I knew, Deolu was hitting me and I was screaming and crying in pain. That day marked the beginning of my nightmare.

It was as if Deolu suddenly changed overnight. He started coming home late and any argument we had ended with beatings. I did not know what I had done to turn my husband against me. I was faithful and undemanding but nothing I did pleased him. After a while, he stopped eating at home and also started saying merely seeing me made him angry. I made some investigations and found out that Deolu had been dating another woman for almost one and a half years. When I told him my discovery and asked him why he was breaking my heart and our home, he replied me with another beating. It was terrible and I could not tell anybody what I was going through.

My husband told me to move into the guest room and would not touch me for months. Once in a while when he did come into the guest room, it was not to make love but to abuse me sexually. This was the man whom I had married as a virgin yet he would come into my room and beat me mercilessly before forcefully having sex with me; I soon began to pray that he would stop coming into my room.

After about three years when the pain was getting too much for me to bear, I decided to seek succour and a solution to everything. I gave my life to Christ and became a committed Christian. The church became the one place where I found love and acceptance. After some time however, Deolu began to complain that I was praying too much. He forbade me from taking the children to church and destroyed the Bibles that I had bought for them. The beatings continued and sometimes I had to go to the hospital to treat the bruises I sustained. I concluded that Deolu no longer loved me but I did not leave him because I knew that divorce was not God’s plan for Christians. Then one evening after fourteen years of marriage, I got home from work to meet my clothes stuffed into two traveling bags and left outside our house gate. The guard refused to let me into the house on “oga’s orders”. Deolu had also locked up the main house and left for an unknown location with our children; I was distressed and I did not know what to do.

I had to move in with one of my older brothers and barely a week later, I got notice of divorce proceedings from Deolu’s lawyers. I did not respond to the notice and the divorce went through. All I was concerned about at that time was finding out where my children were. I later got to know that Deolu had actually enrolled them in schools in the UK. For over five years, I did not see or hear anything about my children as Deolu refused to tell my relations and I where they were. One day out of the blues, I got a letter from my first son; he was home on vacation and had sent it through one of Deolu’s friends who had always liked me. My son told me when he would be going back to Scotland and he gave me his address; I was not to contact him in Nigeria so that Deolu would not know what he had done. That was how I found my children and began visiting them secretly in the UK.

All this happened over twenty years ago. Now, my children have graduated and Deolu can no longer threaten them so we communicate freely. I met my present husband through a mutual friend and this time, I made sure that he was a man with a heart for God before I started dating him; we have one child, a daughter. I am a happy and fulfilled woman and I owe it all to God. When I was going through my travails with Deolu, the few people who knew about it found it hard to believe because he is well educated and is regarded as a “quiet gentleman” but I tell people that it is not about education, money or charm. I learnt the hard way that good looks, a charming personality and successful career could never replace a heart that fears God and seeks to please Him.

Comments.
The response “I do” to the pastor’s question during the joining of a couple during a wedding ceremony is a very weighty one. This is why we have to be careful whom we say “I do” to because you are saying “I do” to the person’s character, value system and beliefs. When Bola said “I do” to Deolu, she chose to submit herself to a man with no regard for God and a person with no regard for God, no matter how decent he/she might seem, will eventually show a lack of regard for people.

Good looks, money, a charming personality, a successful career or good intentions cannot guarantee a good marriage. The basic ingredient for a good marriage is giving God the place of honour in the marriage; the Bible says that a three-fold cord is not easily broken. The only thing that will make a man/woman resist temptation and treat his/her spouse with respect and honour is the fear of God. When the storms of life beat hard against a marriage, the only anchor that will hold firm is that which is grounded in the Word of God. This is why it is so important that the person you chose to lean on and walk with through life is already leaning on the Rock of Ages, Jesus.

Truly, God hates divorce (Malachi 3:16) and this is why we must choose the person to marry with care. The choice of whom to marry should not be made based on emotions (no matter how deep the emotion might seem) but prayerfully. If you marry a Godly person, abuse of any kind or divorce will never be an option in your marriage; and please note that a Godly person is not somebody who goes to church regularly but someone who actually has a personal relationship with God. For more on this, please get Pastor Bimbo’s book “How To Choose A Life Partner, 165 Questions To Ask”.

However, if you are in an abusive marriage, my advice is that you separate from your husband for some time while you use that separation time to pray and ask for directions. Please note that I am not saying that you should divorce your husband but many women have lost their lives, run mad or become irrevocably injured because they stayed in the same house with an abusive husband. If your husband is abusing you, please get yourself out of danger and then seek counseling and prayers from your pastor.

There is no marriage so bad that God cannot restore. The first step however comes from you giving your life to Christ and surrendering the situation to Him. Next you have to also keep praying for your spouse and seek God for instructions on the step to take. You can also call me for counseling and prayers, I’ll be happy to hear from you and to help you but please remember that the first step to the total healing of your marriage starts with your step towards God. You can give your life to Christ by saying this prayer: Dear heavenly Father, I come to you today and ask you to forgive my sins. I believe in my heart that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. I believe that he was raised from the dead for my justification and I confess Him now as my Lord and Saviour. Thank you for saving me. Amen

You may also visit our websites at www.tfolc.org, www.pbofoundation.org

WHEN AND HOW TO BREAK UP A RELATIONSHIP

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

Amos 3:3; 1Thess.5:21

When you are in a relationship and things aren’t working well, you are sure you aren’t going in a right, godly direction. I mean if you can’t see the future in your relationship, then you should go for a break-up.
Breaking-up is a reversing of the fusion process or reaction and is usually done by applying pressure and intense heat which will initiate the reversal reaction.
There is a process towards breaking-up an established relationship.
You need not to force things when they aren’t working out.
Break-up is usually painful and very hurtful. The reason for this is because it takes intense heat and high pressure to break up two wedged metal or two fused objects (the fusing of two hearts, emotions, spirit and physique…) and when sheared apart becomes painful.
Sex is the consummation of fusing together two hearts. Don’t consummate the togetherness until when you get married.
Break-ups could be very devastating to anyone just like when you lose a loved one to death. When you break-up, feelings are never the same again. At times, one gets hurt than the other. You need to break-up in the right way if breaking up is necessary. The time to break up is not the time to accuse your partner, but to look inward first and see if you have a course to the necessity of the break-up. It takes two to tangle; while one takes an active role, the other may take a passive role. The more reason you need to firstly look inward and ask yourself what you have not done rightly, where you have missed it and your roles in the courses that is necessitating a break-up. You need to be absolutely sincere that the best solution is a break-up.

Think before you do so that you will not later say what have I done.

Avoid threatening your partner with intention to break-up when you don’t mean it.
Ask yourself the following questions whenever you think of breaking up your relationship:
1. Why do I want to break-up?
2. Is it his/her characters, behaviours or attitudes that necessitate it?
3. Is there anyone in his/her life other than I? That is, does he/she has someone else in mind for a relationship other than I?
4. Are there any unresolved differences, disagreements, quarrels or unforgiveness (offences)?
5. Is it the mistake(s) that he/she committed that he/she is not ready to apologize and feel sorry about?


CAUSES

WEAKNESS: Unresolved weakness could lead to a break-up in a relationship. Everyone has his/her weaknesses as well as strengths. If your weaknesses are persistent flaws, they are strong enough to break-up your relationship. So, you need to discover your weaknesses and work on them.

INCOMPATIBILITY: Some people are not just compatible; in terms of their social life, intellect, spiritual life, emotional life, health and sexual needs, etc. At least there must be a common ground where both of you agree and decide on the directions for your journey. I mean salient agreements which cannot be compromised to build a healthy relationship. When this is missing, break up is usually the result. More importantly, break up results when the two partners discover that their blood genotype will result into a sickle cell and are not ready to take the risk of raising sickle cell child/children. That is, both have blood genotype of AS or SS or one is AS while the other is SS.

LYING: An Inconsistent person can provoke disagreement which can lead to the breaking up of a relationship. Insincerity, unfaithfulness and falsehood are serious causes of break-up. Nobody wants to marry someone he/she can’t trust or who isn’t sincere and truthful.

UNFAITHFULNESS AND INFIDELITY: Lack of trust in a relationship will lead to break-up. A partner who is always indulging in lying, deceit and the likes is only planning for a break-up. Also, a partner keeping another relationship with someone else is outrightly infidel and unfaithful. This is a form of fornication or lust and will definitely leads to break-up if not coupled with hatred and unforgiveness.

POOR COMMUNICATION: Every relationship is usually sustained by consistent communication (verbal and non-verbal). When communication is destroyed in a relationship, that is, when either of you stop communication, your relationship is heading for a break-up. This is because one of the attitudes of love is that love speaks. Love has its language and must be discovered so that your communication will be a right one.

LACK OF COMMITMENT: Relationship is about two people learning under divine tutelage to becoming one in Christ so as to fulfill divine purpose. Therefore, lack of mutual commitment to seeing the growth of the relationship usually results into a break-up. A situation where one of the partners give and give and give without a commensurate act from the other causes weariness and usually results into break-up. Prov.30:15a. None of the two partners should be a leech or parasite while the other one is the host. A situation like this is as a result of under-commitment. There must be an equal commitment to make the relationship work out successfully. By this I mean equal commitment to each other in all ramifications of life. A successful relationship requires two fully committed persons who are willing to be equally committed.

WHEN TO BREAK UP A RELATIONSHIP

The following are critical pointers or indicators to determining the time to break up your relationship and let go your partner:

1. Yoked with unbeliever: The moment you discover your partner is not a believer or doesn’t accept your faith and not ready to practice your belief system, go for a break up. Amos 3:3; 2Cor.6:14-17. There can never be an agreement or common ground between a believer and an unbeliever, go for a separation immediately without any hesitation.

2. Divided Vision: When you don’t share same vision, both of you can’t think in the same direction and there will always be conflicts of interests, that is, disagreement will characterize your moments of togetherness. Amos 3:3.

3. Sins: When both of you indulge in unrepentant sins like fornication, lying, drinking, smoking, theft, deceitfulness, covetousness, etc; or it’s your partner that is indulging in any form of sin or ungodliness, break up is necessary. 1Cor.6:15-20. This will become a habit and you are definitely set for problems in marriage. Sins break the heart of man from God and disconnect him for his Maker. More so, as soon as you discover that your partner is no longer passionate and devoted to God, loses personal intimacy with God in prayers, quite time and consecrated service to God; go for a break-up. Broken relationship is better than a broken marriage. Chances are high that someone who is highly devoted to God while in relationship will continue together with you after you are married than otherwise.

4. Physical or Sexual Abuse: If your partner is fond of beating you, abuse you or uncontrollably get angry once you quarrel or there is misunderstanding; it’s a strong indication for a break-up. Also, should your partner sexually abuse you – rape you or sexually mishandle you, go for a break-up because that is a sign of lust not love; hatred and selfishness. True love waits. 2Sam.13:1-18.

5. Cheating: Should your partner cheat you, as in, keep an undisclosed relationship with someone else, have sex with someone or sexually abuse someone; go for a break-up. It is act unfaithfulness and someone who isn’t faithful in a relationship can never be faithful in marriage. Relationship is a time to learn so many things so as to practice them in marriage. When you learn wrong values in relationship, you practice wrong values in marriage.

6. Secretive or Unopen-minded: If you discover that your partner keeps secrets and is not always ready to disclose them, perhaps of his past misbehaviours or future pursuits and plans; the best thing to do is to break-up. How will you understand so as to live together with someone who will not share his/her heart with you, no matter how painful or great it may be?

7. Lack of feelings, emotions and passion: Should you discover that your partner has lost his/her feelings, emotions and passion for you and the love you share, go for a break-up. Such will result into boredom, weariness and idleness. Remember that, idle hands are the devil’s tools or instruments. He/she will not be able to meet your emotional and perhaps physical demands in marriage.

8. Unwillingness to compromise: No one is ready to compromise things you exclusively cherish. But for the sake of your relationship, if your partner is not willing to compromise smaller or insignificant issues and values for a bigger and more serious ones that will edify and build your relationship, go for a break-up.

9. Health Incompatibility: The health condition of the two partners in a relationship is paramount to the longetivity of the relationship. No one will ever dream of getting into a relationship that will not last, rather be cut short after marriage as a result of health failures such as sickle cell disease, AIDS (HIV+), or any other terminal diseases. These could be hereditary or contacted as a result of infidelity and carelessness. Therefore, when you discover that your partner’s blood genotype is incompatible with yours (that is, AS or SS and yours is either of these too – when you cross these genotypes the probability of giving birth to SS is between 1 of 4 babies to 2 of 4 babies); it is most advisable you go for a break up. The exception is this, if your faith is strong enough to assure that you won’t bring-forth sickle cell babies to nurse. Raising a child with sickle cell disease is usually painful and unbearable. So, it is very very important (highly emphasized) that both of you go for different medical tests such as HIV test, blood test, etc so as to properly ascertain the health conditions of each other.

9. Incessant or intermittent conflicts without any resolution or mutual understanding: This is often caused as a result of selfishness and unwillingness to accept each other the way you are. Everything about relationship is mutual. If you notice there are unresolved issues, challenges, conflicts or quarrels that pose threats to your visions and dreams or pursuits and purpose, go for a break-up. A nagging partner will do worse in marriage. Make sure you discuss all issues together to avoid any form of assumptions or skepticism and settle all unrealistic expectations. It could point to the cause of the conflicts.

10. Bad habits, characters, attitudes and values: When you discover that your partner has some habits, attitudes and values (not necessary bad ones) that you aren’t ready to compromise, go for a break-up. Marriage is not for you to endure but to enjoy. Make a list of the values (value list), attitudes and habits you desire in your partner and if he/she is lacking in any and you aren’t ready to compromise them, it best to call it a quit, else you may live to regret in unremarkable endurance while you ought to be enjoying.

Ensure that you take time to think over and over again and settle these issues with God in prayers and in your communion with Him so as to be confident to making the right decision on breaking up. Also, ask for the opinions and counsels of trusted people who could be trusted friends, parents, marriage counselors, Pastors, siblings and other relatives. Prov.15:22; 20:18; 27:9b.

HOW TO BREAK UP A RELATIONSHIP

It is a different thing to discover the necessity of a break-up in a relationship and another thing to know how to break up. There are proper ways you must follow to break up your relationship when the need arises so as not to cause an eternal hatred or destruction of the live of your partner. You were friends before you decided to start the relationship, you should try and ensure that you remain friends after you might have broken up. You should be able to see each other in the future and exchange pleasantries.
The following are few steps on how to break up a relationship that isn’t working out:
1. Don’t delay your decision to break up. The more you delay, the more you lose the power to act.
2. Don’t use manipulative means to break up. Avoid ambiguous words or presentation of your decision. Don’t present it in an indirect way and watch the choice of your language or words. Don’t be rude or abusive. Be respectful and harmless in your presentation. Don’t curse him/her, blame or accuse for whatever reason that informed and necessitated your decision. Talk to him/her in love and help him/her keep his/her self-worth.
3. Don’t make your partner feel bad as if he/she is the worst sinner in the whole universe.
4. Choose an appropriate time and place. Don’t choose a public place like church, fellowship meeting or gathering where either or both of your friends are present. Don’t choose a hide-out (as your rendezvous), close places where both of you are alone and dark places like night corners. Stay at the eyes-range of people passing by or around you.
5. Dress smartly and godly. Don’t wear sexually suggestive clothes to meet him/her for a break-up to avoid every form of temptation.
6. Don’t ignite pseudo-expectations on your decisions. Don’t ignite wrong feelings or emotions contrary to your decisions.
7. Don’t raise his/her hopes about the relationship you have decided to call a quit. That is, don’t say what you don’t intend.
8. Don’t send text messages, e-mail, e-notes, fax, voice message, postage or call on phone to break up. You didn’t propose or accept the proposal for your relationship through text, voice messages or phone calls, so don’t quit or break up through any of these means.
9. Don’t send a third party (whoever it maybe – not even trusted friends or counselors) to carry out the break up. Do it in person so as to clarify each other’s honesty’s nest (issues) if need be.
10. Be bold and confident about your decision.
11. Be honest with your decision. Imagine if you break up for a different reason you told him/her and he/she later found out the truth, you will become a liar and may stir up unforgiving spirit or damage emotions.
12. Be sensitive and observant to his/her emotions when you meet to talk.
13. Don’t ignite an argument so as to break up. Never break up during an argument. You will have said you are breaking up several times without sincerely intending it. This will make you become inconsistent and perhaps a liar. And if you finally do during an argument, you may live to regret such decision because you didn’t take time to think on your decision. Such decision is rather too hasty.
14. Just be sincere with your intention, don’t hide your feelings. Be firm with your decision, let your yes be yes and your no be no. James 5:12. Let him/her know that you aren’t going to change your mind on your right decision. Don’t give in to false pleas, apologies or cries. Remember you went through a process in other to ascertain your decision on breaking up.
15. Be emotionally balanced. Never break up when you aren’t emotionally strong, that is, when you are emotionally weak. It may cost you a life’s fortune.
16. Make a clean break up. Don’t keep relics of him/her around you after you break up - relics like photos, mails or messages, gifts, etc. This may hinder your emotional healing process from the break up. Take a full break from calling and seeing each other or any other thing that may re-ignite passion and strong feelings for each other.
17. When you are breaking up, don’t ask for a break, but a separation. There is a difference between taking a break and being separated. Taking a break is asking for a time to think or re-think, but you are still together in the relationship. Just like asking for a space for proper breathing. Truly, commitment and communication will reduce but not taking away totally in such case. But when you ask for a separation, you actually demand a final dissolution, pulling apart and unsealing of your relationship. Here, commitment and communication are destroyed.
18. Meditate on the word of God and let God instruct you from His word. Ps.37:3-7.
19. Neglect people’s comments or gossips and continue in God’s comfort.
20. When it is hard to say goodbye, hold on to God. Most times, it is hard to say good; the more reason you need to lean on God. Prov.3:3-5. God has a way of taking you through the healing process and perfect His will in you.
21. Don’t rush into another relationship immediately you break up no matter how you feel. Take time to heal your brokenness and learn from your mistakes and past experiences from the former relationship so as not to repeat the same mistakes.
22. Always hope that your new relationship will be better than your past experience.
23. Don’t be desperate for another relationship, else you will choose wrongly and enter into a wrong relationship. Any relationship based on desperation is sub-optimal.

Remember this; broken relationship is better than a broken marriage or divorce. Marriage is not to be endured but to be fully enjoyed. 1Tim.6:17c.

Whatever relationship or covenants you have with a wrong partner, I strongly advice you to come out of it today and separate yourself from him/her. 2Cor.6:17. Consider all that we have discussed today, which you have read above and make a right choice now.

PRAYER

If you have experienced brokenness from your past relationship, I pray that God will give you strength and grace for quick and complete healing.


I believe these outlined guidelines will help you to make a proper evaluation of your relationship and the decisions you have made or about to make on it.

Intensify your relationship with God. He alone knows the way through the wilderness.