SEXUAL PURITY

Tayo and Gloria started courting fifteen months ago; as Christians, they had decided to abstain from sex. Initially, the decision not to have sex was easy for them to stick to but as their relationship progressed and they bonded emotionally, the physical attraction between them also intensified. A lot of prolonged hugs and kisses soon ensued between them; the more these occurred, the further they went in their caresses. They progressed from touching and caressing each other through their clothes, to direct caresses on each other’s skins; a few times they even had skin on skin contact (partial nudity). One day, after an intense period of kissing, necking and petting, Tayo and Gloria wondered if what they were doing was wrong but they reasoned that since the Bible warned against pre-marital sex (fornication) and they had never actually had sex, then they had not sinned in expressing their passion for each other.

It is perfectly natural that as a couple court and become intellectually and emotionally intimate, they will also begin to desire sexual intimacy. This desire for sexual intimacy is not by itself, sinful; God made our bodies, he gave us our hormones and sexual drives for a purpose: bonding, pleasure and procreation within the context of marriage.

It might be impractical to say that singles have absolutely no form of physical contact and that is why hand holding, hugs and even pecks on the cheeks are not frowned upon but even so, courting singles must be on guard. With every form of physical contact, no matter how “innocent” it might seem, passions are being stirred and the danger of “wanting more” can arise.

It is therefore very important that courting couples set boundaries for themselves long before their hormones start raging. They have to decide early in their relationship, ways of expressing their love for each other that will not “push” them into sexual sin. If one of them is aroused by the other’s apparently innocent touch, both of them must back off immediately and acknowledge that that form of contact is forbidden between them.

Sexual purity (chastity) is non-negotiable for a Christian single and it goes beyond not having pre-marital sex. It involves avoiding anything, thoughts, words, or actions, which can create and seek to satisfy sexual desire.

“But don't think you've preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices — they also corrupt.” (Matthew 5:28 THE MESSAGE)

“God wants you to be holy and completely free from sexual immorality.” (1Thessalonians 4:3 TEV)

Christian singles must avoid any behaviour, no matter how harmless it may appear, that could lead to sexual sin. We need to understand that consensual sex does not just happen; it is the end-result of compromises that two people in a relationship or courtship habitually made.

Christians have to stop being legalistic about scriptures; while the Bible is only specific on fornication and does not mention kissing, necking (kissing on the neck) or petting (caressing each other with or without clothing), we all know that the fundamental way to avoid sin is to avoid anything that could lead to it! Indisputably, deep kissing, necking, caressing and other body sexual touches (other sexual, non-verbal communication) can lead to fornication. Take note please! They are examples of common sexual foreplay which the today, people have turned to norms in relationships.

Sexual foreplay involves actions that are meant to arouse and end in sexual intercourse. If Christian singles want to remain chaste and avoid fornication, then they must avoid foreplay. Behaviours such as passionate kisses, necking, petting and lying on top of each other, whether or not they are fully clothed, are all forms of sexual foreplay and are absolutely wrong. Sexual foreplay is only meant for couples in marriage who want to have sexual intercourse (because God only made sex for marriage) for sexual arousal.

Therefore, in marriage for married couples, sexual foreplay is godly and is an act of love. Consequently, for people in relationship or courtship, sexual foreplay is an act of lust not love. NOTE PLEASE!

Contrary to their own analysis, Tayo and Gloria are no longer expressing love but lustful desire for each other and they are engaging in sexual sin. They must put a stop to their actions immediately. The fact that they had to wonder on the “rightness” of their actions means that somewhere deep within, there is a voice of caution (Holy Spirit who is reproving and correcting them) and they need to heed lest they sear their consciences.

When singles choose to fantasize about sex and engage in foreplay, they shouldn't be surprised when they end up having sex, because that is simply the natural progression of their thoughts and actions.

Of a truth, sexual foreplay is an attitude or act we learnt to become somewhat a relationship norm from the western culture, perhaps through the media (Hollywood, Magazines or internet surfing). Western culture should not determine our attitudes in life, only the effective, infallible Word of God should do. Out of every 10 singles you find in the western world (e.g. U.S.) in a dating relationship or courting, 7 of them usually end up having sex before marriage (if at all it leads to marriage; nonetheless, increases the chances of divorce). This is because they usually engage in sexual foreplays beside other prominent sexual abuses that are rampant among them. Also, the more reason for increasing rate of divorce, single parenthood, adultery (and other forms of marital infidelity) in the western world.

God is not mean; He would not tell us to abstain from sexual immorality if it were impossible to and neither is it His intention to deny us pleasure. He only reserves such pleasures for us in marriage not otherwise. He has gotten other kind of pleasures for us as singles; we only need to discover and maximize them now that we are singles to enjoy. 1Timothy 6:17c. You can read the message in this blog below on “HOW TO ENJOY LIFE AS A SINGLE”.

In obeying Him, we are protected from harm and do not have to worry about late periods, venereal diseases, and other emotional and psychological consequences of premarital sex. We learn the virtue of self-control and are empowered to build strong relationships and marriages.

It is never too late to make a decision for sexual purity. If you have lost your virginity or perhaps you are in a relationship or courtship and like Tayo and Gloria you were involved in sexual sin (sexual foreplays), you can start over today. The first step is to acknowledge your sin, repent and ask for forgiveness.

“But if we confess our sins to him, he can be depended on to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong. [And it is perfectly proper for God to do this for us because Christ died to wash away our sins.]” (1John 1:9-10 TLB)

Then, do away with everything that will remind you of those sinful acts like sexual films, pornographic magazines or online (internet) pornography.

You will also need to take the following steps:

If you are on a date or in a relationship/courtship, guard against spending much time alone or staying together late in the evening in the dark or alone. Go on group dates, visit public places and define your boundaries. Also when on dates, give more attention to talking rather than touching. In dating relationship or courtship, the mouth is intrinsically for talking and discussing, not for deep kissing.
Be cautious of the company you keep; avoid people who will not encourage your decision to walk in sexual purity. It is also advisable that you find someone that you can be accountable to concerning your relationship. He/she must also be committed to sexual purity and willing to pray for and with you.
Do not expose yourself to places, things or any form of entertainment that will weaken your decision to be chaste. Today, many secular books, magazines, films, songs, etc have sexual undertones; it is your responsibility to guard your heart against their offenses and the best kind of defense here is to flee. Desist from indulging in using them. “What you refuse to decide on now will in the long run decide on you.”

Whenever you sense yourself giving in to sexual pressure, don’t hang around to pray, cast out a devil or “take your stand in Christ”, FLEE from the situation.

Most important of all, PRAY. 1Thessalonians 5:17. By this practice, you will receive daily grace from God. Never assume that you can overcome sexual sin in your power; only by the grace of God. Commit every aspect of your relationship to God on a daily basis and also pray before and after every date.

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THE CONFIDENT SINGLES