TOUCH OF TRUTH

Ejiro is the second of her parents’ three children and the only female; from an affluent family, she had her secondary and university education in Canada and on completion of her education, Ejiro stayed back in Canada to work. Ten years later, Ejiro was a successful legal practitioner and still single. Though she had been in a number of relationships over the years, none had led to marriage and quite frankly, her singleness no longer bothered her; she wanted to get married but if it did not happen, she was okay. However, her family was not happy about her attitude; they felt that her attitude was a product of the “foreign” country she lived in and so her parents began pressurizing her to come back to Nigeria and “settle down”. They wore down her resistance and Ejiro returned home five years ago.

A year after her return, Ejiro met Korede at a dinner party hosted at a European Embassy. They became friends and shortly afterwards, Korede asked Ejiro to be his girlfriend. She really liked him but she decided to seek the opinion of a few friends before agreeing to his proposition as she had been in the country for just a short while and was not sure of his reputation. Her friends told her that Korede was a “good catch” and that she should not let him get away; they had asked around about him and the general consensus was that Korede was a good man though according to some of his ex-girlfriends, he was sometimes eccentric. Finally, when nobody raised any red flags, Ejiro said yes to Korede and they began a relationship. Ejiro’s parents were delighted at the development. In the course of their courtship, Ejiro noticed that Korede kept several medicines in his bathroom cabinet; when she asked him about it, he said that he had high blood pressure and needed to take some pills daily to control the ailment. This was no big deal to Ejiro and she even began making adjustments to their diet so as to reduce food items that could raise his blood pressure. Two years after they first met, Ejiro and Korede got married.

Just over a year into their marriage, Korede began showing signs of possessiveness over Ejiro; he got jealous if he saw her speaking to another man and also called her on the phone several times a day to check up on her movements. At first, Ejiro was flattered by his behaviour but as it became a constant part of their lives, Ejiro became upset. She told Korede that she wasn’t interested in any other man and tried her best to more careful about relating to members of the opposite sex but the more she tried, the more suspicious he became. It got so bad that she had to stop some of her friends from visiting her home as Korede believed they were the ones “leading her astray” but all her efforts to assure him of her fidelity and commitment to their marriage failed. Ejiro practically cut off all other relationships in her life before Korede eased up on her.

Shortly after their relationship picked up, Ejiro became pregnant. They were quite happy about this and began making preparations for the baby’s arrival. In the fourth month of the pregnancy, Korede began having mood swings; this was totally unexpected and caught Ejiro unawares. One minute, Korede was happy about the baby, the next he denied responsibility for the pregnancy and accused her of being unfaithful to him, and within the twinkle of an eye, he would burst into tears and beg Ejiro to forgive him for the accusations. Ejiro was at a loss as to how to deal with Korede and she became worried that he might somehow harm her; as it was, she was not getting much needed rest and sleep and was losing weight. By the time Ejiro was six months pregnant, it was clear that she was emotionally and physically stressed so the doctor put her on bed rest; her mother then moved in with her so as to take care of and help her around the house.

It was not long before Ejiro’s mother noticed that things were strained between Ejiro and Korede but she did not say anything as she did not want to pry into her daughter’s marital affairs. Things came to a head one morning when Korede accused his mother-in-law of being a witch and of trying to turn his wife against him; Ejiro’s mother was alarmed by Korede’s accusations and she told her daughter that she was returning to her own home. At that point, Ejiro told her mother about how Korede had changed over the past months, she said that she was growing afraid of him and did not want to be left alone with him. Naturally, Ejiro’s mother grew worried so she decided to continue her visit but she reported everything that happened to her husband and Ejiro’s brothers; the family decided to keep close tabs on Ejiro and her mother. Over the next few days following that incident, Korede’s mood swings became more intense but he soon appeared to calm down. Though the situation in the home improved, Ejiro and her mother were still uncomfortable with Korede’s behaviour and they found it hard to put their guard down around him.

One morning, Ejiro woke up to the sound of Korede’s weeping. All efforts by Ejiro and her mother to calm him down and uncover the reason for his crying failed; after almost an hour of non-stop crying, Ejiro called one of Korede’s brothers reported the issue to him and asked him to come over. In short time, Korede’s brother and one of his sisters arrived with an elderly man who they introduced as their family doctor. They followed Ejiro into the bedroom where Korede was still crying and the doctor gave him a sedative; almost immediately, he drifted off into a deep sleep and they all went to the sitting room.

As they sat down, the doctor said it was clear that Korede had been off his medication for several weeks and needed to be admitted into the psychiatric hospital as soon as possible. It was then that Ejiro got to know that Korede had a mental condition for which he had to take some pills every day; the pills that Ejiro thought were to control Korede’s blood pressure were actually to prevent him from becoming manic. Ejiro learnt that Korede had never liked being so dependent on drugs and several times in the past, he had gone off his medication, resulting in his hospitalization. Korede’s doctor and siblings were shocked to know that he had kept his condition a secret from Ejiro. Korede was hospitalized and his family tended him because Ejiro’s condition and the prescribed bed-rest prevented her from caring for her husband. Korede was discharged and became an outpatient a few days before Ejiro gave birth to their daughter.

A month later, after much unease, Korede broke the ice by apologizing to Ejiro and asking for forgiveness. He said he had kept his illness a secret from her because it had been the reason for many ladies breaking up with him in the past. That day, Ejiro and Korede had a long discussion and at the end they resolved to stay together; they also went to see both sets of parents and told them of their decision. It was decided that with professional counselling as well as Ejiro’s loving care, Korede would find it easier to stay on his medication; their families also promised to give needed emotional support.

Comments

Life is about relationships. It is a fact of life that we are daily building, sustaining or letting go of some relationships we have and our choices of which relationships to build, sustain or break off determine our success or failure in life. For a relationship to be successful it must have a purpose and all the persons involved in it must truly desire it. No relationship is “just there”; every marriage, friendship, business partnership, mentorship etc should be for a purpose otherwise the relationship will eventually collapse and it would all have been a waste of time. Also, it is a fact that you cannot always be the initiator of every relationship in your life, sometimes others will initiate the relationship; this means that you have the privilege of either allowing or not allowing it to develop and your choice should be based on primarily on information, not emotions. This is particularly true of marriage.

The period of courtship is the “information gathering” stage of the relationship and the choice of whether or not to get married should be based on the information gathered and not just your emotions. It is indeed commendable that Ejiro asked around about Korede before agreeing to date him but obviously she either did not ask the right questions or she did not ask the right persons about him hence her ignorance about his illness. It’s not just about asking questions, but asking the right questions (we encourage you to buy Pastor Bimbo’s book “How To Choose a Life Partner, 165 Questions To Ask). How do you know the right questions to ask, pray; tell God to show you things that you ordinarily would not see by yourself. Don’t be fooled by how “smart” people say you are, involve God in your decision making; you would be surprised the kind of things that God will either open your eyes to see or cause people to reveal to you.

Korede really liked Ejiro but past experiences had taught him that revealing his illness could cause her to break up with him so he decided not to tell her the truth about the medicines in his cabinet. He knew what he wanted and he did all within his power to get her. It was Ejiro’s responsibility to find out about Korede; during their two years of dating, she never once picked up one of the bottles to read its name, much less what it was for. Please note that when a man or woman wants you, he or she will tell you whatever you like to hear just so as to become a part of your life; it is your responsibility to guard your heart.

If you discover something you do not like during your courtship, you can choose to either break up the relationship or continue if you believe you can either live with it or the person you are courting is willing to work on that weakness. However, if like Ejiro, you only find out after marriage, divorce should not necessarily be your next option. It is a proven fact that there are many things we think that we cannot live with yet we can. If like Ejiro, you find that your spouse has a mental illness, your first thought should not be divorce but how you can help him/her. Visit his/her doctor, get online, find out all you can about the illness and how it can be managed; marriage is not about your convenience, it is a covenant relationship you vowed to stay in for better, for worse. That is why it is important to do all necessary things before you say “I DO” so that you won’t have to say later “WHAT HAVE I DONE?” It is a good thing that Ejiro decided to stay in the marriage but the truth is that Korede was wrong to have deceived her. If you love a person enough to marry him/her then you should trust him/her enough to reveal your true self to the person during courtship. If knowing your weaknesses or area of challenges will cause the person you are courting to leave you, then he/she was not meant for you and will probably still leave after marrying you; lying just postpones the day of reckoning. Sincerity, trust and truthfulness are indispensable pillars of a meaningful and healthy relationship and marriage.

If your spouse has reproductive problems, start thinking of adoption. Does he/she have a child outside marriage? Let him/her be responsible for the child’s upkeep; if you can, bring the child into your home. There are many issues that can crop up in a marriage and it is true that some of them can be very painful, but I encourage you not to take any decisions in the heat of the moment. Give it time, pray, seek godly counsel from godly people whose wisdom have been proven in times past, before you do anything. Your case need not end up in a divorce court; like Ejiro you can produce a testimony from your test. God bless you.

IF THIS ARTICLE TOUCHED YOUR HEART, YOU MIGHT WANT TO TALK TO ANY OF OUR PBO FOUNDATION COUNSELLORS BY CONTACTING The Fountain of Life Church on 01-8980183/5 or 08035800201. E-mail: pastor@tfolc.org
You may also visit our website at www.tfolc.org

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