ALL THAT GLITTERS...

From Pastor Bimbo Odukoya Foundation

I am a woman in my late forties; I am happily married with four children. My husband is a successful and God-fearing businessman. I consider the fact that he is a Christian who honestly loves and fears God as his most important quality because of what I have been through in life. You see, this is my second marriage.

I met my first husband, Deolu during my first year in the university. He was in his third year, from a wealthy home, charming, tall, handsome, and also a club chief. When we started dating, I was the envy of many ladies on campus because he was considered as one of the main “catches” on campus and by dating him; I automatically became a member of the happening group on campus. We dated throughout my four years on campus and by the time I finished NYSC and got a job, we were already talking marriage.

I want to say at this juncture that I was brought up in what is regarded as a “Christian home”; this means that my family went to church every Sunday but beyond that, I must confess that our lives were no different from that of non-Christians. We had good moral standards but none of us could actually say that he/she had a personal relationship with God.

As a result of my background, I did not place a high premium on Deolu’s spiritual state. He had told me that he was an atheist. He said that he did not believe in God but he did not believe in the devil either; he was neutral and was only concerned with being a decent man. At first, when he told me that he did not believe in God, I thought he was joking but over time, I realised that it was true; he did not practice any religion but he was so well behaved that my parents quickly grew to like him. I did not really mind his atheism although we had agreed that he would let me take our future children to church as long as they went willingly.

I married Deolu six years after we first met and I settled down to a marriage that I believed would be “happy ever after”. We were both doing well in our careers and had three lovely children, two boys and a girl. I was a contented woman until the balloon suddenly burst.

We had been married for just over nine years when I suddenly developed symptoms of a veneral disease. I was alarmed by this development, as it indicated that Deolu was being unfaithful to me. When I confronted Deolu with my suspicion, he became angry that I had the audacity to “query” him in his own house. I was hurt and shocked at his response and before long we were having a hot argument and the next thing I knew, Deolu was hitting me and I was screaming and crying in pain. That day marked the beginning of my nightmare.

It was as if Deolu suddenly changed overnight. He started coming home late and any argument we had ended with beatings. I did not know what I had done to turn my husband against me. I was faithful and undemanding but nothing I did pleased him. After a while, he stopped eating at home and also started saying merely seeing me made him angry. I made some investigations and found out that Deolu had been dating another woman for almost one and a half years. When I told him my discovery and asked him why he was breaking my heart and our home, he replied me with another beating. It was terrible and I could not tell anybody what I was going through.

My husband told me to move into the guest room and would not touch me for months. Once in a while when he did come into the guest room, it was not to make love but to abuse me sexually. This was the man whom I had married as a virgin yet he would come into my room and beat me mercilessly before forcefully having sex with me; I soon began to pray that he would stop coming into my room.

After about three years when the pain was getting too much for me to bear, I decided to seek succour and a solution to everything. I gave my life to Christ and became a committed Christian. The church became the one place where I found love and acceptance. After some time however, Deolu began to complain that I was praying too much. He forbade me from taking the children to church and destroyed the Bibles that I had bought for them. The beatings continued and sometimes I had to go to the hospital to treat the bruises I sustained. I concluded that Deolu no longer loved me but I did not leave him because I knew that divorce was not God’s plan for Christians. Then one evening after fourteen years of marriage, I got home from work to meet my clothes stuffed into two traveling bags and left outside our house gate. The guard refused to let me into the house on “oga’s orders”. Deolu had also locked up the main house and left for an unknown location with our children; I was distressed and I did not know what to do.

I had to move in with one of my older brothers and barely a week later, I got notice of divorce proceedings from Deolu’s lawyers. I did not respond to the notice and the divorce went through. All I was concerned about at that time was finding out where my children were. I later got to know that Deolu had actually enrolled them in schools in the UK. For over five years, I did not see or hear anything about my children as Deolu refused to tell my relations and I where they were. One day out of the blues, I got a letter from my first son; he was home on vacation and had sent it through one of Deolu’s friends who had always liked me. My son told me when he would be going back to Scotland and he gave me his address; I was not to contact him in Nigeria so that Deolu would not know what he had done. That was how I found my children and began visiting them secretly in the UK.

All this happened over twenty years ago. Now, my children have graduated and Deolu can no longer threaten them so we communicate freely. I met my present husband through a mutual friend and this time, I made sure that he was a man with a heart for God before I started dating him; we have one child, a daughter. I am a happy and fulfilled woman and I owe it all to God. When I was going through my travails with Deolu, the few people who knew about it found it hard to believe because he is well educated and is regarded as a “quiet gentleman” but I tell people that it is not about education, money or charm. I learnt the hard way that good looks, a charming personality and successful career could never replace a heart that fears God and seeks to please Him.

Comments.
The response “I do” to the pastor’s question during the joining of a couple during a wedding ceremony is a very weighty one. This is why we have to be careful whom we say “I do” to because you are saying “I do” to the person’s character, value system and beliefs. When Bola said “I do” to Deolu, she chose to submit herself to a man with no regard for God and a person with no regard for God, no matter how decent he/she might seem, will eventually show a lack of regard for people.

Good looks, money, a charming personality, a successful career or good intentions cannot guarantee a good marriage. The basic ingredient for a good marriage is giving God the place of honour in the marriage; the Bible says that a three-fold cord is not easily broken. The only thing that will make a man/woman resist temptation and treat his/her spouse with respect and honour is the fear of God. When the storms of life beat hard against a marriage, the only anchor that will hold firm is that which is grounded in the Word of God. This is why it is so important that the person you chose to lean on and walk with through life is already leaning on the Rock of Ages, Jesus.

Truly, God hates divorce (Malachi 3:16) and this is why we must choose the person to marry with care. The choice of whom to marry should not be made based on emotions (no matter how deep the emotion might seem) but prayerfully. If you marry a Godly person, abuse of any kind or divorce will never be an option in your marriage; and please note that a Godly person is not somebody who goes to church regularly but someone who actually has a personal relationship with God. For more on this, please get Pastor Bimbo’s book “How To Choose A Life Partner, 165 Questions To Ask”.

However, if you are in an abusive marriage, my advice is that you separate from your husband for some time while you use that separation time to pray and ask for directions. Please note that I am not saying that you should divorce your husband but many women have lost their lives, run mad or become irrevocably injured because they stayed in the same house with an abusive husband. If your husband is abusing you, please get yourself out of danger and then seek counseling and prayers from your pastor.

There is no marriage so bad that God cannot restore. The first step however comes from you giving your life to Christ and surrendering the situation to Him. Next you have to also keep praying for your spouse and seek God for instructions on the step to take. You can also call me for counseling and prayers, I’ll be happy to hear from you and to help you but please remember that the first step to the total healing of your marriage starts with your step towards God. You can give your life to Christ by saying this prayer: Dear heavenly Father, I come to you today and ask you to forgive my sins. I believe in my heart that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. I believe that he was raised from the dead for my justification and I confess Him now as my Lord and Saviour. Thank you for saving me. Amen

You may also visit our websites at www.tfolc.org, www.pbofoundation.org

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