UGLY STAINS OF BAD RELATIONSHIP

Message by Pastor Dr. Dennis Sempebwa (Senior Pastor, Sanctuary of Life Church, Illinois, Chicago, U.S.A.)

In our day to day activities, we meet, interact, connect and associate with people from different cultures. We all have personal idiosyncrasies which manifest in our interactions with other people. The truth is that we all need each other if we must survive to fulfill purpose.
In 1915, Dr. Henry Dwight Chapin, (a pediatrician) carried out a research on child mortality rate in U.S.A. He reported that the policy in orphanages at the time was “no cuddling.” The babies had died from lack of touch. His findings established that infants need attention to survive. Definitely, we all need relationships to survive.
Believers go through all sorts of persecutions all around the world, particularly about their faith; yet they don’t get discouraged. Most of us are very strong in faith against persecution.
Nevertheless, I have seen Pastors, pious Christian leaders, committed and devoted adherents/followers of Christ being defeated in the area of relationships in life. This suggests that, relationship is a very important part of our lives. Genesis 1:3-31; 2:18-25. God made all things and saw that they were good (verses 10, 12, 18, 21, 25 and 31). God said it is not good for man to be alone. That is, it is not good for man to be without a relationship. Here, He talks about companionship. God emphasizes the fact that man can’t be alone; he needs a relationship in order to fulfill his purpose. That is why He made or formed the woman, Eve out of the man, Adam. He looked at Adam and said He needed another creation. He saw the need for companionship. He observed that there was no companion fit for him among the other creations – animals and plants. Therefore, He made another human being like him for him.
Science has proven that people with good relationships usually have strong immune systems. They often live longer and healthier. It’s been discovered that when a baby is born and never had a touch or feel a tender care, he or she will die, even if he or she is given enough food and drink. Some scientists said that, everyone needs about seven (7) touches daily to develop well and stay healthy.
You are designed for relationships. You are made for connections. I have heard people say that, “All I need in life is Jesus.” That sounds really good, but it’s not really accurate. You need people, you need somebody.
When you pick up few mangoes to eat, especially Ugandan breed which is usually green in colour and always wear unripe face; you will discover that some of them are ripe and tasty while others are unripe and sour. It is difficult to tell by just observing physically whether the mangoes are ripe or not because they all wear green face. They look good when you see them. They smell good really too that is why you can’t really tell whether they are good or bad.
Relationships are like this. Making friends are like when you pick mangoes up. Everyone always sounds the same way when you first meet them. They tend to say good things and emphasize on similarities, the things you share in common until you take a bite out of your relationship with them. The law of reciprocation always comes into play in any relationship. When you give (so much) to someone in a relationship, you surely expect something (perhaps similar) in return. If you are the only one who is always giving, paying for the transport fare, the dinner ticket, etc for a friend; you should know that something is wrong. After a while, you will want the person to reciprocate. That’s the bite. Everyone looks great; every relationship looks great until time has worked upon it. Only time can reveal the true nature of any relationship. When you begin to hang around with a friend in a relationship, you tend to feel at onset that you complement each other and therefore emphasize your similarities until time has worked on the relationship.
When you bite bad mangoes and you put the bad bitten mangoes in your pocket, they will stain your clothes and mess you up in the public. People will surely ridicule you because of the stain, thinking you excreted on your clothes.
Relationships are similar to this. When you bite bad relationships, they leave stains on you. All negative relationships you keep will definitely leave painful and shameful stains on you.
For instance, a woman recently said that all men are liars. I queried and inquired just to found that she was in a marital relationship were she was cheated by her husband who slept out with her best friend for almost 10 years until she discovered. Now they have moved out and the man had abandoned her and her kids. She is devastated, carrying the painful stain in her heart around. She thinks that all men are the same; that they are all liars just like her former husbands because she has been stained.
Every relationship you enter and exit gives you a set of lenses. Usually, you will look at the next relationship with such stained lenses so as to judge it – that what kind of guy or lady is he or she? There is high probability that you will treat and relate with the new guy or lady based on your stained experiences from the previous relationship. Chances are that you will transfer aggressions and make the poor guy or lady to pay for your painful and shameful past. The simple reason for this is that you have been stained. You are looking at the new perhaps wonderful relationship with stained lenses of your painful and shameful past.
All negative relationships give us new lenses to look at the new relationships that come our ways.
More Pastors had quitted the ministries, more lives get shattered, more devoted adherents of Christ abandoned the faith, more churches divided, more businesses folded up and more homes are destroyed intrinsically because of failure in relationships than anything else. You can see a good reason why we need to talk about this.
When people break up a (bad or negative) relationship, they always come out of it with invoices of unpaid cheques. Often, such enter into new relationships with these invoices of unpaid cheques and tend to suffer innocent guys or ladies to pay for what they never did or committed. When a guy or lady goes into a relationship as they truly love each other with proves of love to ascertain their relationship; and everybody celebrates with them perhaps they are engaged, but later the guy cheated on the lady, they broke up the engagement and ended the relationship and parted ways. Guess what the lady does the first time another guy comes to her with lots of beautiful and romantic flowers. Bam mm! She cocks the guy to pay up for the invoices. He didn’t do these to her, someone else did.
We must never make the pleasurable people of our present pay the prize of the painful and shameful people of our past.
Here are ten (10) representations of ugly stains of relationship.
The following are stains that are represented today in most people’s lives coming out of a broken (bad) relationship, people who have experienced a break-up in one way or the other:

1. RAGE:

You will observe that such people with ugly stains of relationship are usually upset at simple things or matter. Often times, you discover that little things which ordinarily should be overlooked get you out of control, make you lose control of your temper and get you furious. It is simply because of the painful past. It is an ugly stain. I pray today that God will set you free from this upset in Jesus’ name.

2. CRITICAL SPIRIT:

Perhaps your parents are perfectionists and nothing you do seems right or correct to them as such to be commended than condemned. They usually criticize you destructively and possibly you get very critical and nothing is good for you of which are obvious to your friends. Here’s the principle: “Stained people stain people. Broken people break people.” I have seen stained leaders destroying lives by staining them because they are stained. If God will use you, He will have to first heal and cleanse you. I pray He will heal and cleanse you today.

3. GUILT:

May be you cheated on your boyfriend or girlfriend, you stole money, you have had abortion, you had a baby out of wedlock or committed a grievous sin; you have once asked God for forgiveness and He has forgiven you and you are now saved. But each time, (you see the baby you imagine will God ever forgive you) you keep remembering the sin and you still feel the scourge of the sins like as if God has not forgiven you and it torments your emotions and thoughts. These bring shame and pains to you. You need to understand that God once He has forgiven us for our sins, He doesn’t remember them because He loves us so much. You need to confess with your mouth now that, “Guilt get away from me in Jesus’ name.” God will take away you bitterness and shame today in Jesus’ name.

4. SHAME:

This is a stain that is rightly attached to guilt. May be you are hooked to porn because porn is bad, it sucks your confidence and attacks your civil integrity. It is a sin you commit secretly which usually bring its attendant shame that last longer than the ones you committed publicly. In times past, to find porn in magazines is exclusively outlaw; but today, with the advancement of technology and high rate of internet networking and information loading, it is popular to find porn all around. Through PDA, ipad, iphone, Blackberry and other smart phone, you can stuff for porn and network with nudity on different IM (chat) networks, Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and other Social Utility Network Sites or Groups.
Greater percentage of the world population has gotten smart phones now. Even kids are not left behind, they surf porns through their smart phones without any parental guidance. You have got to declare now that shame you are release from my life today in Jesus’ name.


5. REJECTION:

Your boyfriend or girlfriend once told you that you are not pretty enough, and then abandoned you; or perhaps your parents have never said to you beautiful compliment as to appreciate the way you look. Chances are that you begin to feel rejected. They might have said that that they would have preferred not to have had you just because you failed. Failure is not what we think it is. It is when you refused to try again or get up after a fall, because life is full of ups and downs. When you refused to get up after a fall, you will begin to feel that maybe your parents were right about you; maybe you should not have been born. I tell you, it is never right to think this way. You are who the Lord said you are. He has wonderfully and fearfully made you. Psalms 138:

6. UNFORGIVENESS:

This is a big one. It is like you fight with someone and you wanted to show to the person how much you hate him or her. Then, you take a cup of poison and drink; and wait for the other person to die while you drank the poison. Unforgiveness as illustrated above is like a suicide. It hurts you more than anything, thinking you are hurting the one you refused to forgive. Often times, the person you are not going to forgive does not even know you are offended and needed to apologize and seek forgiveness. Also, it may be due to cheat you have suffered from. That is, someone you once loved so much cheated on you. It’s time to let go of Unforgiveness today. Forgiveness is a gift you should give to yourself. It will set you free. Unforgiveness is a spirit that tears apart on the inside. Set offenders free and let go today that you may be free and totally cleanse on the inside.
“Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who trespassed against us” Matthew 6:12.

7. EMPTINESS:

There is this man I met in a plane one day and he was telling me of how he has been buying this and buying that. He had actually bought so many things; yet he has not fulfilled his desires. This is a sign of emptiness. All he has gotten or bought can not fill his emptiness and satisfy him. This is a deep stain.
Just like a bottle with a broken bottom will always ask for more, whatever such man got can never do it. He will only be trying to fill empty spaces. When you are empty on the inside, you will find yourself doing all sorts of crazy things, changing jobs frequently, moving from one church or assembly to another thinking you are looking for something that is never lost. With all of these, you are never satisfied. It’s because it is not on the outside, it is on the inside and you have been stained.

8. OVER-DEPENDENCE:

May be your parents or usually your boyfriend once told you that, “You need me, who will ever love you that way I do; you need me.” But, now your relationship is about to break-up or is broken. You begin to feel you are incomplete without them or him. You feel you are incomplete without the relationship, you feel if you don’t have a boyfriend, job, house or money you are in trouble. That is fallacy, it is wrong. This is simply over-dependence and over-dependence is the failure to completely rely on God. Over-dependence on materialism and men (human/flesh) is absolutely wrong and ungodly. When you think you need crouches to walk or live in life, you need things to hold you up, you have been stained with over-dependence. I believe God can set you free. You need Jesus, nobody else. He’s your Life, Anchor (that holds forever), Refuge, and Sufficiency, your Everything… It is true that you need a relationship, and that relationship is not primarily with man; but with Jesus. Though you need people for other life’s relationship as to fulfill God’s purpose, but everything starts and ends with the Lord. All other relationship you need in life must stem out of your relationship with Jesus. Therefore, let no man, nobody born of a woman or even angels tell you that you can not make it or survive and be fulfilled without them.

9. LOW SELF-ESTEEM:

Just like over-dependence, usually it’s relational. May be somebody cheated on you or something happened to you and you feel you are not good enough to keep your boyfriend or girlfriend. It’s possible at this point to begin to look down on yourself. Or maybe you observe or find out to discover that all your friends, peers and colleagues are married and some if not all are with kids and here you stand still single. You may have even been the Maid-of-honour or the Best Man to some of them. You may begin to wonder what has gone wrong with you. This kind of thought usually precipitates low self-esteem. Others such as nobody sees me good enough; nobody appreciates the way I am or what I have achieved. When you begin to internalize these kinds of thoughts, pessimistic statements and confessions about your life, you will feel low self-esteem. Today, I believe in Jesus’ name you will be set free and totally delivered.

10. CONFUSED SEXUALITY:

This is a real big stain that is common among the western culture. Though, other cultures of the world are beginning to entertain this stain into their ways of life due to cross-culturization and cultural heterogeneity. Perhaps someone messed up with you when you are little or you have just been let down by too many boyfriends or girlfriends; you will start to feel like you are a man when in the real sense you are a lady or vice versa. You wonder whether you are a male or female that you doubt your sex. May be you think you are a gay, lesbian, homosexual or bestial, etc may be, may be… Don’t let the devil deceive you with a wrong sex identity. Don’t let him take you off the track. God has made you whole, good and perfect and I pray that you will function in that realm in Jesus’ name. You are who He has said you are.
This answers the reason why there are increasing rate of gays, lesbians, homosexuals, bestial, etc in the western world. This stain is so critical that we experience depravity and daily falls or break downs in our culture.

REFLECTION

This message appeals to every man, be you a Pastor, Christian believer or non-believer. If you have never picked a bad mango, it means that you are not a mango picker. That is, all mango pickers must have picked a bad mango in one way or the other and bad mangoes when picked either intentionally or unintentionally always leave a stain on you. More so, if you have truly loved with your heart, you have loved the wrong person and he or she has hurt you and left you stained. I pray that the Lord will bring you deliverance today in Jesus’ name. He wants to heal and deliver you and transmit His power into you.
But you can not heal what you don’t acknowledge. As long as you don’t acknowledge your stains, you will remain battered and possibly shattered. If you want God to take you to the place of fulfillment in your relationships in life and have a new healthy, fruitful and satisfying relationship, you need to acknowledge your stains right now. You can not advance until you have dealt with and cleanse all your stains which have marred you. The easiest way to deal with them is to not deal with them, that is, to ignore them. But, you and I know that if you don’t deal with them they will still be there. It’s time to get healed and be cleansed today.

LITTLE EXERCISE

Take a little piece of paper and write down which stains are you carrying. You will prophetically remove them from your life right now by praying over your list. List out some things you are wrestling with within.
Some people are in a state of excruciating pain, shame, unrest, debt, and distress. God may be talking to you right now about them, today is the day you will be set free from them in Jesus’ name. He is still in the business of washing away stains and makes you clean as white as snow through His precious blood.
Some people are still single today because of those stains of their painful past. God will set you free once and for all in Jesus’ name.
Write down your list and lift up the piece of paper containing your stains to God in Heaven with an open heart, and say these:

“Lord Jesus, I have come to you today with a contrite heart, I acknowledge all my sins, my stains and confess them to you this day. I ask you to wash me clean and take away all these stains. I say NO MORE in Jesus’ name. NO MORE in Jesus’ name. NO MORE in Jesus’ name.

Then, take the piece and tear/shred it into smaller pieces as you can. Throw the shreds into a thrash can or waste bin.

Finally, worship and thank God for healing you and bringing you hope and restoration.

I say to you CONGRATULATIONS!

MARRAIGE COVENANT

It is almost a year since my daughter Fadeke died and though it is very painful recounting the details of her death to the public, I need to do this in the hope that other young ladies will learn from her story.

My husband and I are in our early fifties and besides Fadeke, the eldest, we have three other children. Over the years, we did our best to impart sound morals and values into our children though we did not become committed Christians until about five years ago. All our children are single and live at home with us.

About eighteen months ago, Fadeke began having headaches; we did not make much of this and she took analgesics whenever the headaches came but when the headaches became persistent, she went to her office clinic to see the doctor. She was treated for malaria and typhoid and for a while she seemed okay but the headaches soon returned with a vengeance. Her condition became so serious that she had to take her annual leave because we felt that she just needed to rest. She spent most of leave sleeping and occasionally watching TV and by the time she resumed back at work, she had fully recovered.

Everything went smoothly for about two months then Fadeke started complaining about the headaches again and it was now accompanied by dizziness. This time around, my husband insisted on a full medical check-up for her but when she did this, the doctors still could not determine what was wrong with her. We even had her tested for HIV but the results came back negative; we were perplexed and did not know what to do. Fadeke was in pain and getting weaker by the day; at that point, my husband and I went to tell our church leadership about it, we were in dire need of physical, emotional and spiritual support. When our pastor heard all that was going on, he advised us to join him in a three days prayer and fasting session to seek the face of the Lord. We were more than willing so for the following three days, our family asked God to show us the cause of Fadeke’s ailment and give us a way out of the situation.

When I went to bed on the night of the last day of the praying and fasting, I had a dream. In the dream, I saw the Lord and He told me that Fadeke’s condition was a result of an action she took. He said that she had “gone against covenant” by dating a married man; the man’s wife was a committed Christian and He was fighting her battles for her. I was alarmed and woke up in a panic; immediately, I woke my husband up, told him of my dream and we began to pray for God’s mercy. The next morning, we told our pastor about my dream and he said that the way out was to find out the identity of the woman and get her to forgive Fadeke but when we confronted Fadeke, she denied being in a relationship with a married man. It was as if Fadeke’s denial triggered something because her condition grew worse and she had to be admitted but the doctors could not really help, as they could not pinpoint what was wrong with her.

A few days later, I called one of Fadeke’s closest friends, Gladys, and told her about my dream and asked her if she knew the person Fadeke was dating; Gladys told me that Fadeke was indeed dating one of her married colleagues in the office. I was alarmed at this because I felt that my husband and I had brought her up to know better than that but evidently, I was wrong.

On further prompting, Gladys told me that Fadeke had been dating the man for a little over three months when his wife somehow got to know about their affair.

Fadeke had told her that the woman had gotten her phone number from her husband’s phone and pleaded with her to leave her husband alone but Fadeke had responded by telling the woman to stop disturbing and to sort the issue out with her husband (I was stunned when I heard this). When her pleas met deaf ears, the woman had told Fadeke that she gave her seven days to stop the affair or else she would have herself to blame then she dropped the phone. The next day, Fadeke had told her lover about the conversation with his wife and he had apparently gone home afterwards and warned his wife off Fadeke; that was the last Fadeke and Gladys heard of the woman. Fadeke’s health problem had started barely a month after that incident. I was horrified that my daughter could behave in such a manner but all I was concerned about was the way forward. Without further ado, I decided to seek out the man Fadeke was dating in her office with the hope that I could get to meet his wife through him.

At first, Gladys told me that the man, Jude, did not want to meet with me but I persisted and after I threatened to go to his office he reluctantly agreed to meet my husband and I. Jude was a good-looking young man in his mid-thirties and upon enquiry, he told us that he had been married for just five years; his wife, Nneka, was a banker and they have one child.

Jude was obviously uneasy about meeting with us and we tried our best to set his mind at ease; we had gone past the point of condemnation, we just wanted our daughter healed. My husband told him about my dream and then we told him that we would like to meet his wife so we could ask her to forgive Fadeke. Jude told us that she had recently traveled out of the country on a two weeks vacation but he promised to call her and give her my number so we could talk; there was nothing left for my husband and I to do than wait for her call.

One morning about a week later, Jude and his wife came to see my husband and I. Immediately after the introductions Nneka went down on her knees and recounted her side of the incident. Apparently, after Fadeke’s refusal to end her affair with Jude and his quarrel with Nneka over her phone call to Fadeke, their relationship deteriorated. They fought constantly and Nneka said that she felt like a fool when after her “seven days ultimatum” to Fadeke, it was obvious that Jude and her were still dating; he still came home late from work and continued answering some late night and weekend calls in a low voice. She said that she was very disturbed by this then one day while praying, God told her to stop fighting Jude and that she should leave the battle to Him. She had obeyed God by changing her attitude towards Jude and the whole situation.

Nneka said that she had been shocked when on her return to the country, Jude told her about our visit and Fadeke’s condition. Nneka told us that she did not know that God would vindicate her in this manner and that she had forgiven Fadeke. I wish I could say that my daughter recovered after this but Fadeke was unrepentant about her actions. Fadeke was in the hospital for about two months before she went into a coma and never regained consciousness.

Comments
Covenant is not a strange concept to African cultures. It is fairly common to find families and communities to enter into covenant with other families, communities or even local gods. When this happens, both parties to the covenant understand that they have become one; it is understood that whatever happens to one party automatically happens to the other and they also have common friends and enemies. Covenants are serious matters and any disloyalty to the terms of a covenant means death.

Marriage is a covenant (not contract) relationship between a man and a woman. This is why the Bible says that when a man and a woman get married, they become one flesh. In a marriage, a couple stands as one united entity and all friends and foes are common to them; it goes against covenant for one person to have a friend that is unacceptable to his/her spouse, it is taboo! If you are married, you must not continue with any relationship that makes your spouse uncomfortable much less enter into an adulterous relationship.

Christianity is a covenant relationship between God and man. Whatever affects a Christian affects God; this is why God said in Genesis 12 “I will bless those who bless you and whoever curses you, I will curse” and “whoever touches you, touches the apple of His eyes” (Zech 2:8). God is a covenant keeping God; if you belong to Him your battles become His. This is why I tell wives with unfaithful husbands not to fight their husbands get on your knees and pray. As long as you are God’s side, no woman is woman enough to take your husband!

The Bible also says that it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of God (Hebrews 10: 31). If man chases you, you can run to God but when God chases you, whom can you run to? It is for this reason that I tell wives that when they come against the hold of strange women over their husbands and petition God in prayer, they should pray for the salvation of those mistresses. Maybe if Nneka had prayed for Fadeke’s salvation, she might not have remained hard-hearted and she might have been able to receive God’s mercy. Maybe.

Parents, it is also important that we constantly keep a prayer cover over our children. Recognise that you are only their caregivers and dedicate them back to God; He alone is able to preserve them. You cannot watch over them 24 hours a day and neither will they always tell you the things that they get into but nobody and nothing escapes the eyes of God. Pray for your children, no matter their age. Teach them to love and fear the Lord, help them to develop a loving and deep relationship with their Heavenly Father and you will not have cause for regret.

Are you dating a married man? Your life is in danger particularly when his wife is a Christian. “Don’t you realise how patient He is being with you? Or don’t you care? Can’t you see that He has been waiting all this time without punishing you to give time to turn from your sin? His kindness is meant to lead you to repentance” (Romans 2: 3). Please repent and retrace your steps. Patiently wait on Him till you find your bone and flesh.

We desire to hear from you. You can share youe own experiences hear, post your questions and comments about this true life story here below.

IF THIS ARTICLE TOUCHED YOUR HEART, YOU MIGHT WANT TO TALK TO ANY OF YOUR PBO FOUNDATION COUNSELLORS BY CONTACTING The Fountain of Life Church on 01-4968646-7 or 08035800201. E-mail: thesinglesfellowshiptfolc@gmail.com, fountain@tfolc.org You may also visit our website at www.tfolc.org

YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN

By Pastor Nomthi Odukoya

Often times, we think we are all by ourselves, we think nobody cares about us and that our negative circumstances will never change. Whilst it is perfectly normal to sometimes have thoughts and feelings of despondency, it is not requisite that we accept them as being permanent part of our lives. When the sun sets, it is only to rise again. It does not by any means suggest that we are going to be covered in darkness forever. The same thing applies to adversity; it’s only for a while and it is an introduction to your breakthrough.
The book of 1 Samuel 30 tells us of a man who was in a hopeless situation. He was sick and as a result his master had forsaken him, left him to die in spite of all the years of service to him. We don’t know the kind of thoughts which were racing through this man’s mind as he laid there hopeless on the ground. All we know is that God suddenly turned this servant’s situation around when David found him in his pursuit of the Amalekites.
Some people have been abandoned by their spouses in spite of the years and sacrifices of devotion to their marriages or relationships. Some have spent years in relationships which they hoped would result in marriages, only to be dumped by the other party along the way. For such people, it is a dream shattered, the feelings are usually such that it’s too late to meet somebody else and start all over again. One thing is sure; if God was able to connect David to that Egyptian then, He is able to connect your desired future too.
Interestingly, David needed this man’s help as much as the man needed him. That’s how God will do it for you. There is something that God has deposited in you which will attract the other party. The same reasons for which people might have left you will be the same reason that will attract others to you. You will suddenly become the miracle they have been looking for and vice versa. David had what the Egyptian needed: food and care, and the Egyptian had what David needed: the location of the enemy. So, never see yourself as worthless (perhaps because someone did not appreciate you or feel the same way you feel for him or her, that is share the same feelings with you); there is something about you that will help propel the other person’s life forward.
Whether you have been wounded by life’s circumstances or you have been waiting for a long time, there are lessons to draw from the Egyptian which will help prevent some common mistakes we make when entering a new relationship from a previously sour one:

1. Do not be hasty; find out more about the relationship.

The 15th verse shows us that the Egyptian was not too desperate not to negotiate his security and welfare. It is possible that David and his man could have used him and dumped him. When entering a relationship, we should not turn blind eyes to critical issues but instead, we should ask questions to make sure there are no traps set for us. This is also to ensure that the person we are dealing with is genuine. We will not fall into wrong hands in Jesus’ name.

2. Allow enough time to heal.

It took the Egyptian three days to regain strength. David did not rush him until he was sure was able to stand back on his feet. Under no circumstances should you feel compelled to enter into a relationship when you feel you are still vulnerable. Entering a relationship in that state may break you instead of building you. Imagine what would have happened to the Egyptian had David rushed him into action when he was still weak. Some assignments like a relationship require your full state of mind.

3. Have faith.

It is not good to be overly suspicious of people based on what other people have done to you in the past. Learn to trust again. The Egyptian whilst he was careful how he entered the relationship with David, he still had some level of trust. He discerned that they had genuine intentions and he was ready to move on and not dwell in the past or wallow in self pity. Letting go of the past helps you prepare for a healthy relationships in the future. David also had faith that the Egyptian would not deceive them. Having faith will help you sustain good relationships.
God has some much in store for you and in due time, all things will fall in line for you. You are not forgotten and never will be. It’s your time, so don’t give up.

4. All things work together for good.

There is a reason for every happening in this life. For instance, had God not allowed the Egyptian slave to be abandoned by his master, David probably would not have found the necessary help to locate his family. Also, the Egyptian would have been wiped off along with the Amalekites when David finally found them. So, there is a reason you are where you are today and it will progressively get better as God unfolds your future in Jesus’ name.
God does not forget, He has not forgotten you. His promises stand forever. Isaiah 49:14-16.

21 QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE MARRIAGE

By Pastor Bimbo Rosemary Odukoya

The Bible says that, “a man who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord.”
Proverbs 18:22. But we must understand that the finding is a process and it is a serious task. This process involves seeking and elimination. It takes time and energy. Ignorance of what this process involves is what makes many singles sad and discouraged or rush into mis-matched marriages.
The truth is, finding just any type of life partner is easy; you can pick anyone off the street and go to the altar with him/her. But the heart-breaks and rejections from failed relationships are not easy at all. If you must find that one who would do you good, that one who is tailor-made by God to fit you, then you must invest time, even if it means waiting for some time. After all, the Bible says, “a virtuous woman, who can find?” Proverbs 31:10. This indicates that finding a good person, whether a man or woman does not come easy – you have to search diligently for them.
Experiencing a long delay before marriage is not a bed of roses, neither is it easy to keep waiting when all your peers, friends and younger siblings are all getting married. I sincerely do sympathize with all of this, but it is better to suffer some pains now than be sorry in marriage. You need to be patient and never hurry. Based on my marriage counseling experience, I can safely say that ten broken relationships are far better than one divorce. You’ve got to take time and get it right so that you will not suffer later.
There are only two kinds of pain: the pain of regret and the pain of discipline.
The pains of regret are delayed pains. You suffer these pains in the future by not doing things right in the present. But the pains of discipline are the pains of today; you suffer them for doing things right, now, but you will definitely enjoy the rewards later in life. Many today are suffering the pains of regret.
Let’s consider this true experience shared by a lady called Alice, to illustrate the point:
“I met my husband at a time when I was really desperate and anxious about getting married. We got married after a four-month courtship. Things were fine up to a point, but thereafter, the struggles and pains started. I found out, to my dismay that my husband was given to anger and a violent temper. He was also very jealous and uncomfortable with my success, things I never suspected before marriage.
“I was into business before I married and was doing well. He told me that he did not want me to do business anymore, because I was a married woman and it would bring too much attention from men to me. So he closed my flourishing business. I got pregnant eight months into the marriage, but discovered, even after I had my first child, that having a child did not improve the situation.
“Today, I am neither fulfilled nor happy. My husband oppresses me a lot. He talks down at me in public and in front of friends and family. It is even worse now that I am not working and I have to depend on him for everything. He compares me with other women who are working and making money, and he calls me a liability and a lazy woman. Worse still, he has entirely refused to take care of our first child!
“There is no respect anymore and no love, if it ever was there at all. I look at my husband and I look at myself and I wonder how I ever got to this point. We are so different, poles apart in everything!
“Today, I am 32 years old and I see an old woman when I look into the mirror. I am so unhappy. Obviously, the issues that I should have raised before marriage are now my undoing. I was busy preparing for my wedding, but I never prepared for my marriage. (Wedding is only a day- or two-day event, but marriage is an event of lifetime). I realize now that they are two different things entirely. What was I ever thinking to mess up my life this way?
“I am pregnant with the second child. And recently in an angry rage he beat me up in my pregnancy. I am afraid for my life. I do not love this man and I think that I probably never did. I guess I was in love with the idea of getting married than with him. I have decided to move out and raise my children alone…”
Young people must understand that the altar is not the end of marriage, rather the beginning. And there is absolutely no way you can make it successfully in marriage without knowing yourself and your partner. And in relationships, knowledge does not come by gazing into each other’s eyes, fondling with each other and playing on each other’s emotions, but by asking relevant, necessary and informative questions. Your mouth is the tool God has given you to save yourself from future pains and pitfalls. The mouth is not for unholy kissing outside marriage, but for talking, asking questions and for effective communication.
Who you choose to marry will either make or mar you. Unfortunately, a lot of people forsake wisdom because they believe that the solution to a bad marriage is divorce and single parenting. This is even worse because the only thing divorce does is that it makes you exchange one set of problems for other greater ones. Therefore, the wise thing to do is to take care and choose right. For those of you who are yet waiting, please wait some more and get it right. It may appear a long wait for you right now, but I tell you the days and years are longer in a bad marriage.
God desires for you to have peace and enjoy your marriage. He has prepared someone good for you and somewhere in this world is that someone who would be compatible with you spiritually, socially, intellectually, mentally and physically. However, the responsibility of finding this person is yours. It is a serious task but it is not as difficult as some have made it to be; if you know what to look for and how God thinks.
Often times, people have a special desire for a particular person, but if at the end of the day the person you desire cannot walk with you, you will be frustrated. Therefore, God’s intention is not so much about Him giving you your heart’s desire, but giving you who can walk with you. That is why. When choosing a life partner, you must be very prayerful than any other thing. God will lead you but at the end of the day you are the one who would have to choose for yourself; He will not choose for you but only when you allow Him to influence your choice. (Psalms 37:3-9). That is why the Bible says, “He that finds…” and not “God that finds.”
The reason behind this is that your maturity may be tested. Marriage is about two mature people joining as one, therefore if you are not mature enough to choose right; it follows that you would also not be mature at taking right decisions in marriage.
Life is all about decisions. The questions we would be looking at here are designed to help us make a right, matured and spiritual decisions on our marital partner:
1. WHO AM I?
Before you can know the person who is right for you, you must know yourself. If you do no know who you are, it would be impossible for you to find the right person to fit you. The Bible asks rhetorically, “Can two walk together except they agree?” (Amos 3:3). It is very vital that you too should have in you the qualities you are looking for in your future partner. For instance, if you want a prudent husband /wife, you must be prudent yourself or else you will have confusion in your home. Do you want a sincere, faithful and honest/truthful husband/wife; you must be sincere, faithful and honest/truthful alike. Do you want a perfect gift from God? You have to be a perfect gift yourself or else that perfect gift will intimidate you.
2. AM I OBSESSED AND COMMITED TO THE WILL OF GOD?
God’s desire is to affect our entire lives for our own good. His commandments are therefore all embracing. In determining your commitment level, you need to ask how far you are willing to go in walking with God and whether there are areas you consider too sacred for God to touch. Also consider how obedient you are to His Words written in the Bible.
3. DO I HATE SIN WITH MY ENTIRE BEING AND WITH A PASSION?
Through self examination, one should be able to say whether one abhors sins or there are areas in which one is willing to accept compromises. It is true that no one is perfect, but if you marry someone who compromises and who does not see sin as sin, then you have problems in your hands.
4. IS HE/SHE A COMMITTED BELIEVER OR CHRISTIAN?
The Lord says that, “Do not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever…” 2Corinthians 6:14-18. He is the Manufacturer, Author and Maker of marriage and relationships. He alone knows what is best and has given this instruction for our good, peace and bliss. For perfect spiritual compatibility, a Christian (devoted follower of Christ) should choose a Christian, a Muslim should choose a Muslim and other non-Christians should choose non-Christians. If you marry a non-Christian, be ready to be an in-law to the Devil (idols).
5. WHO AM I INTELLECTUALLY?
You must also be able to know your intellectual strengths and abilities, that way you can determine who can agree with you in this regard. Based on your academic accomplishments, you should be able to say whether you are likely to be threatened by your spouse’s intellectual accomplishments or whether you will be able to provide leadership, and in fact enhance her.
6. WHAT IGNORANCE WOULD DISTURB ME?
Some people are very exposed and well informed about life, social etiquettes, world politics, fashion, current affairs, etc; but others are not. And such ignorance may be irritating; therefore, it is advisable that you look into this area carefully.
7. WHAT PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL QUALITIES DO I HAVE?
Apart from the spiritual and intellectual knowledge of one’s self, the emotional, sexual and physical aspect is also equally very important. In the aspect of the emotions, you must find out if you are an extrovert or an introvert; if you make friends easily or not, etc.

8. CAN I LOVE THIS PERSON FOR LIFE?
You need to be sure that this person you have chosen to marry you will live him/her till death separates you, come what may. Matthew 19:3-8.
9. DO I KNOW THE QUALITIES I AM LOOKING FOR IN MY INTENDED SPOUSE?
You must know what you want in an intended spouse or else you could see him/her but not recognize him/her. Possibly list them and let the Holy Spirit guide your listing against selfishness.
10. DOES HE/SHE HAVE QUALITIES I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT?
A lot of people settle for qualities that they can live with, but this is an error. It is wiser to choose partner with qualities you cannot do without. As we cannot live without air and water, there are some traits/things that we need our partners to have that will make life more comfortable and bearable for us.
11. CAN MY INTENDED COMPLEMENT MY EFFORTS TO FULFILL MY PURPOSE IN LIFE?
This is very important, but first of all, you need to identify your purpose. That way you can now tell who would be able to complement you and who cannot. Your spouse must be committed to you as well committed to your purpose.
12. CAN I HELP OR ALLOW HIM/HER TO ACCOMPLISH HIS/HER GOD-GIVEN PURPOSE IN LIFE?
If you desire someone who will help you to get to where you are going in life, you should also be willing to reciprocate the gesture.
13. IS HE/SHE FLEXIBLE AND UNDERSTANDING OR RIGID AND UNCOMPROMISING?
You need to have a person who can adjust to your needs. If he/she is not, it is indicative that the choice you have made is a poor one.
14. AM I PROUD OF HIM/HER?
Can I proudly introduce my intended partner to my family and friends or am I embarrassed to take him/her out to visit people? Can we walk together along the street, sit together in the car or any other public transport means? Am I always excited when people see us together? Can we wear same clothes?
15. DO I KNOW MY INTENDED PARTNER’S STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES?
Concentrate therefore on knowing the person you are intending to marry rather than indulging in sex, petting or necking as these would create false intimacy, arouse unguided and unguarded emotions and blind you to objective judgments.
16. AM I READY TO ACCEPT HIM/HER WITH HIS/HER FAULTS?
You need to decide if you can celebrate your intended partner with all his/her faults and weaknesses. If you cannot, you’ll end up frustrating yourselves. You must understand as you take steps to the altar, that marriage requires unconditional love, an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person. In spite of his/her faults, you must love and celebrate your partner in marriage. Therefore, care must be taken to know the faults and imperfections of the person you have chosen to marry.
17. DO I ACCEPT HIS/HER FRIENDS AS MY FRIENDS?
If you are uncomfortable with your intended partner’s friends, it is a pointer that you probably do not know him/her enough and you can’t afford to marry a stranger. Marriage will commit you to accepting his/her friends, family and all he/she stands for and show that you have fully accepted him/her.
18. HAVE WE DISCUSSED OUR DIFFERENCES?
You need to discuss those basic things that are very different between you two. For instance, family background, educational background, differences between a man and a woman (physiology, mannerism, characters and traits/habits, etc).
19. CAN WE PLAY TOGETHER?
Life isn’t all about work, business and all that seriousness. A couple needs to relax sometimes and just play. Do you play together? Can you indeed play together? Can you cope with his/her hobbies?
20. DO WE BRING OUT THE BEST IN EACH OTHER?
Do both of you encourage and inspire each other to greater heights? How does your presence or intervention affect his/her performance? This is very important.
21. AM I MARRYING HIM/HER BECAUSE I BELIEVE I CAN CHANGE HIM/HER, BECAUSE MY FRIENDS LIKE HIM/HER OR MY PARENTS PRESSES ME TO MARRY?
It is instructive for you to note at this time that you can’t change anybody. If you don’t like what you see now there is every tendency that it will still not change in marriage. People are unhappy in marriages today because they believed at one point that they could change their spouses.
The list of questions is not exhaustive, but they are pointers to the right direction.
For more information and direction on how to choose your life partner, please get the message titled “100 QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE MARRIAGE” by Pastor Bimbo Odukoya. You can post your comment on this message or post your questions here by clicking on COMMENTS below. Kindly feel free to share your experiences with everyone reading and following us here too. It is my prayer that as you act wisely and exalt the principles of God, you will find your right partner.
God bless you.

SPIRIT GUIDED RELATIONSHIP

Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

James 1:22-25; 1Kings 2:2-4.

A lot of people want to have the methods of relationship; things like “5 things to do in relationship”, “7 ways of love”, “101 Questions to ask love”, etc. these are good but to sustain a relationship, you need something more than these.
To be a good spouse, you need to be a good and committed Christian. Of a truth, what you need to be a good spouse is the same thing you need to be a good devoted Christian.
Many Christians started their relationships and ended shamefully. They ended up fooling themselves. This suggests to us that it is not all about listening to the counsels from Christian messages in Church or reading the Word of God, but more of doing all that He says to us. If you want to be successful in marriage and sustain your relationship, you must be ready to absolutely obey God and fully adhere strictly to His words and commandments.
God initiated marriage. Genesis 1:27; 2:18-25. When you are going into a relationship or courtship with a view of marriage, you need to understand that God is the Manufacturer, the Author and the Architect; and only He has the manual to guide on how to go about it as such to maximize it to optimum benefit. Therefore, you need to put God first before setting out and stating your choices or desires of your intended partner or spouse.
You cannot judge a man by his past; you need to look into his future (with futurescope) to appropriately assess him.
Marriage is a spiritual relationship, not just a physical one. Its challenges can only be fully dealt with and met by two genuine spiritual people using genuine spiritual principles, ideas, philosophies and guidance. Christians are spiritual beings because we have the same image as God. John 4:23-24.
Proverbs 18:18; Ephesians 5:22-23. God is the Initiator of marriage relationship and He is the only one who joins two people together. Matthew 19:6. In the Scriptures, anywhere issues of marriage relationship are mentioned, God is mentioned too. This ascertained the truth that God is the Initiator of marriage relationship, as a result of this, it can only be sustained in Him through His Spirit; not by human efforts, natural instincts, strength or sagacity, “…for by strength shall no man prevail…”, “…not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit says the Lord Almighty.” Zechariah 4:6.
The God-factor is very important in any relationship. Don’t decide on who you are going to marry outside God’s counsel, that is, in the flesh by mere observing and prioritizing the physical appeals than to the spiritual contents. There are beautiful witches and handsome devils. You need to see the “Corpse Bride” to indisputably understand this. Let God influence your decision and choice.
The person you date or court at the time you enter into a relationship is a function of the level of your spiritual life, that is, your relationship and daily communion with God (and His Spirit).
Genesis 3:1-13. God started marriage relationship with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden and they were in the bliss. But Eve lost her spiritual senses when she chose to see with her physical eyes and perceived with her mind only. The devil took advantage of this and cunningly deceived her. She also went ahead to persuade her husband Adam. They both were derailed having deceived into disobedience and failure to heed to God’s commands given to them in the Garden. They also neglected the bidding of the Holy Spirit and followed their instincts, personal judgment, perception and logical reasoning which were manipulated through deception by the devil.
Whenever you leave the spiritual realm in your relationship, you begin to move from bliss and peace to kiss (a deceptive sign trying to reassure love), quarrel, misunderstanding, miscommunication, egoism, etc. Whenever you disobey God’s instruction on how to go about your relationship, you will become naked, naked to the wiles and schemes of the devil (your chief enemy); become ashamed and disgraced.
If you want a good relationship, you need to submit totally to the Holy Spirit. He will give you life and peace.
Ephesians 5:18. You need to be filled with the Holy Spirit. If you are not filled with Him when you are in a relationship unwholesome, bitter words will come out of your mouth in response to offence or hurt, instead of forgiveness. Marriage is two perpetual forgivers leaving together. You need to watch what you speak to each other in relationship; do you speak bitter words or better words? Words that build or that which destroy? Graceful words or demoralizing words?
Whatever controls you will definitely control your relationships. What controls you? Is it the Holy Spirit of God, natural instinct or selfish desires of the old man?
It is absolutely impossible to love, respect and submit to each other except you are filled and guided by the Spirit of God. I love to remind you that, the same principles you need to be a good spouse/partner is the same principles you need to be a good and devoted Christian.
Can you imagine dating someone who is always at war within him/her as a result of not been filled with the Holy Spirit? Such a person can only give you want he/she has within, like troubles, struggles, stress, hot-temper, selfishness, anger, hatred, quarrels, jealousy, envy, etc, all of which are manifestation of the flesh. You can only give what you have; you cannot give what you don’t have. Galatians 5:19-26.
Let the Spirit of God guide your life.
Note that, the desires to do good intentions is the centre issue. One of the works of the Holy Spirit is to guide you to rightly desire and do good things. Life is full of desires, for this reason, life is all about control, and about what controls you.
You can only manifest what you consistently meditate on. There is power in daily meditation. When you are in the Spirit (praying in tongues and meditating on the Word of God), it will be almost impossible for you to commit sin and you will be able to judge all things rightly. In fact, you will respond to every situation with love easily because the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of love is in control of you.
“He will keep you in perfect peace whose heart is stayed on Him…” Isaiah 26:3.

CONFESSION
I believe by now you must have assess your life to see if you have been led by the Spirit of God or by your lustful desires. You can only be led, guided or controlled by the Holy Spirit when you give your life to Christ to become the Son of God. “For as many as are led by the Spirit, they are called the children of God…” Romans 8:14-16. Ephesians 1:13-14. I therefore invite you to accept Jesus Christ into your life today if you are not saved yet, that His Spirit may come and abide in you. If you are deciding for Him today, just say this prayer:
“Lord Jesus, I am a sinner. Please come into my life and forgive me all my sins. I believe You died for my sins and rose from the dead. Now, fill me with Your Holy Spirit and guide me from this day forward. Thank You Lord for loving me. Amen.”

SEXUAL PURITY

Tayo and Gloria started courting fifteen months ago; as Christians, they had decided to abstain from sex. Initially, the decision not to have sex was easy for them to stick to but as their relationship progressed and they bonded emotionally, the physical attraction between them also intensified. A lot of prolonged hugs and kisses soon ensued between them; the more these occurred, the further they went in their caresses. They progressed from touching and caressing each other through their clothes, to direct caresses on each other’s skins; a few times they even had skin on skin contact (partial nudity). One day, after an intense period of kissing, necking and petting, Tayo and Gloria wondered if what they were doing was wrong but they reasoned that since the Bible warned against pre-marital sex (fornication) and they had never actually had sex, then they had not sinned in expressing their passion for each other.

It is perfectly natural that as a couple court and become intellectually and emotionally intimate, they will also begin to desire sexual intimacy. This desire for sexual intimacy is not by itself, sinful; God made our bodies, he gave us our hormones and sexual drives for a purpose: bonding, pleasure and procreation within the context of marriage.

It might be impractical to say that singles have absolutely no form of physical contact and that is why hand holding, hugs and even pecks on the cheeks are not frowned upon but even so, courting singles must be on guard. With every form of physical contact, no matter how “innocent” it might seem, passions are being stirred and the danger of “wanting more” can arise.

It is therefore very important that courting couples set boundaries for themselves long before their hormones start raging. They have to decide early in their relationship, ways of expressing their love for each other that will not “push” them into sexual sin. If one of them is aroused by the other’s apparently innocent touch, both of them must back off immediately and acknowledge that that form of contact is forbidden between them.

Sexual purity (chastity) is non-negotiable for a Christian single and it goes beyond not having pre-marital sex. It involves avoiding anything, thoughts, words, or actions, which can create and seek to satisfy sexual desire.

“But don't think you've preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices — they also corrupt.” (Matthew 5:28 THE MESSAGE)

“God wants you to be holy and completely free from sexual immorality.” (1Thessalonians 4:3 TEV)

Christian singles must avoid any behaviour, no matter how harmless it may appear, that could lead to sexual sin. We need to understand that consensual sex does not just happen; it is the end-result of compromises that two people in a relationship or courtship habitually made.

Christians have to stop being legalistic about scriptures; while the Bible is only specific on fornication and does not mention kissing, necking (kissing on the neck) or petting (caressing each other with or without clothing), we all know that the fundamental way to avoid sin is to avoid anything that could lead to it! Indisputably, deep kissing, necking, caressing and other body sexual touches (other sexual, non-verbal communication) can lead to fornication. Take note please! They are examples of common sexual foreplay which the today, people have turned to norms in relationships.

Sexual foreplay involves actions that are meant to arouse and end in sexual intercourse. If Christian singles want to remain chaste and avoid fornication, then they must avoid foreplay. Behaviours such as passionate kisses, necking, petting and lying on top of each other, whether or not they are fully clothed, are all forms of sexual foreplay and are absolutely wrong. Sexual foreplay is only meant for couples in marriage who want to have sexual intercourse (because God only made sex for marriage) for sexual arousal.

Therefore, in marriage for married couples, sexual foreplay is godly and is an act of love. Consequently, for people in relationship or courtship, sexual foreplay is an act of lust not love. NOTE PLEASE!

Contrary to their own analysis, Tayo and Gloria are no longer expressing love but lustful desire for each other and they are engaging in sexual sin. They must put a stop to their actions immediately. The fact that they had to wonder on the “rightness” of their actions means that somewhere deep within, there is a voice of caution (Holy Spirit who is reproving and correcting them) and they need to heed lest they sear their consciences.

When singles choose to fantasize about sex and engage in foreplay, they shouldn't be surprised when they end up having sex, because that is simply the natural progression of their thoughts and actions.

Of a truth, sexual foreplay is an attitude or act we learnt to become somewhat a relationship norm from the western culture, perhaps through the media (Hollywood, Magazines or internet surfing). Western culture should not determine our attitudes in life, only the effective, infallible Word of God should do. Out of every 10 singles you find in the western world (e.g. U.S.) in a dating relationship or courting, 7 of them usually end up having sex before marriage (if at all it leads to marriage; nonetheless, increases the chances of divorce). This is because they usually engage in sexual foreplays beside other prominent sexual abuses that are rampant among them. Also, the more reason for increasing rate of divorce, single parenthood, adultery (and other forms of marital infidelity) in the western world.

God is not mean; He would not tell us to abstain from sexual immorality if it were impossible to and neither is it His intention to deny us pleasure. He only reserves such pleasures for us in marriage not otherwise. He has gotten other kind of pleasures for us as singles; we only need to discover and maximize them now that we are singles to enjoy. 1Timothy 6:17c. You can read the message in this blog below on “HOW TO ENJOY LIFE AS A SINGLE”.

In obeying Him, we are protected from harm and do not have to worry about late periods, venereal diseases, and other emotional and psychological consequences of premarital sex. We learn the virtue of self-control and are empowered to build strong relationships and marriages.

It is never too late to make a decision for sexual purity. If you have lost your virginity or perhaps you are in a relationship or courtship and like Tayo and Gloria you were involved in sexual sin (sexual foreplays), you can start over today. The first step is to acknowledge your sin, repent and ask for forgiveness.

“But if we confess our sins to him, he can be depended on to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong. [And it is perfectly proper for God to do this for us because Christ died to wash away our sins.]” (1John 1:9-10 TLB)

Then, do away with everything that will remind you of those sinful acts like sexual films, pornographic magazines or online (internet) pornography.

You will also need to take the following steps:

If you are on a date or in a relationship/courtship, guard against spending much time alone or staying together late in the evening in the dark or alone. Go on group dates, visit public places and define your boundaries. Also when on dates, give more attention to talking rather than touching. In dating relationship or courtship, the mouth is intrinsically for talking and discussing, not for deep kissing.
Be cautious of the company you keep; avoid people who will not encourage your decision to walk in sexual purity. It is also advisable that you find someone that you can be accountable to concerning your relationship. He/she must also be committed to sexual purity and willing to pray for and with you.
Do not expose yourself to places, things or any form of entertainment that will weaken your decision to be chaste. Today, many secular books, magazines, films, songs, etc have sexual undertones; it is your responsibility to guard your heart against their offenses and the best kind of defense here is to flee. Desist from indulging in using them. “What you refuse to decide on now will in the long run decide on you.”

Whenever you sense yourself giving in to sexual pressure, don’t hang around to pray, cast out a devil or “take your stand in Christ”, FLEE from the situation.

Most important of all, PRAY. 1Thessalonians 5:17. By this practice, you will receive daily grace from God. Never assume that you can overcome sexual sin in your power; only by the grace of God. Commit every aspect of your relationship to God on a daily basis and also pray before and after every date.

THE POWER OF COMPLIMENT

Have you noticed that sometimes, "ordinary" looking people seem to have no problem with getting into a relationship or making good friends?

Have you observed that customers would rather join a longer queue waiting to be served by a particular co-worker than by others with short queues?

Has it come to your attention that your staffs prefer to work with a particular team leader than with others?

If you answer “yes” to at least one of these questions above, you just might discover, after asking around, that their secret is an unwavering habit of paying compliments to people.

A compliment is an admiring comment, a kind remark about someone else. It shows that you are paying attention to and appreciate the person you are talking to. The power or value of a sincere compliment is not seen as its size (number of words spoken), but in its effect on both the receiver and the giver.

An admiring comment is beneficial to both the giver and the receiver; it induces positive responsive emotions in the receiver which then bounces back to the giver in form of an irresistible, infectious smile or a returned and reciprocated compliment. It creates an affectionate connection between the giver and the receiver thereby strengthening their relationship and enhancing intimacy or unavoidable closeness.

Is your marriage losing its closeness? Have you found that your relationships, courtship or marriage lack a “certain quality” that you desire? You may need to check your “compliment-o-meter”.

Take the time to look for truly endearing or commendable qualities in your spouse, children, parents, siblings, friends, etc; and then tell them about it. It shows that you hold them in high esteem and it will lift their spirits

Compliment must be giving with all sincerity. It is an attitude of love; the more reason it must be giving with all sincerity, because love is sincere. 1Corinthians 13:4-8a.
A compliment contains immense, immeasurable power. It has the power to brighten an otherwise bad day, enhance closeness in a relationship and break the ice when meeting someone for the first time. You simply cannot lose with compliments; the more you give, the more you will receive.

Tips On Giving Compliments
Always remember that compliment is all about the other person. Comment on their admirable quality and not your impression of that quality. e.g. “You have a wonderful voice” rather than “I think your singing was great” or “You look great in that dress” rather than “I like that dress” or “I enjoyed this delicacy so much, it’s with a sweet sensation because you are a great cook” rather than “Your food is sweet, hmm m m”.
When paying a compliment, keep eye contact with the person and please, smile! Eye contact implies that you are sincere about what you are saying and not just “buttering up” the person.
Don't limit your compliments to people’s physical appearances. We are all more than just our looks; if you make the effort, you will find something good about their personalities. Though compliments help to create a bond between people, do not make them too personal unless you know the person very well.
Pay sincere compliments! When you give genuine compliments, you will be seen as someone who cares about others and their achievements, and not just your own. Giving sincere praise is an act of kindness, and kindness is an attitude of love. 1Corinthians 13:4a. Thereby, you earn and build trust which is an indispensable pillar of any meaningful relationship. Trust is earned, not giving. A compliment followed up with a criticism smacks of insincerity and envy; and may finally end up in distrust.
Don't compliment a person too often; it can be irritating and also gives the impression that you want something from him/her.
Compliments given in order to manipulate or take advantage of others are usually obvious and are always turn-offs.

In the work place, paying compliments can be delicate but as long as the compliments are limited to achievements on-the-job and do not extend to personal appearances, it is acceptable. Wisdom is profitable to direct in all things.

When a manager or team leader compliments someone, it encourages him/her, builds goodwill, often fosters a willingness to go the extra mile and enhance good work-relationship. Colleagues can make their work environment more conducive by complimenting each other; a simple “you make my work easier and I appreciate you” or “thank you so much for the assistance” can result into improved productivity.

Tips On Receiving Compliments
Many people do not know how to receive compliments. This could be due to the fact that they do not receive compliments often and so do not know how to gracefully accept them, they are shy about receiving compliments or the do not give/pay compliments to others. Thus, their response is to either brush the compliment aside or put themselves down; this is wrong.

When someone pays you a compliment, the proper response is to show appreciation for their kind words with a smile (avoid a grin, it may imply deceit) and a simple “Thank you” or “It’s my pleasure” or “Huh, it’s kind of you”. These are few examples of words of sincere acceptance.

The truth is that it is pleasant to know that you are appreciated but if you keep rejecting them, people will stop complimenting you. A gracious acceptance of compliments does not make you immodest.

In the business world, it is good business etiquette to respond by giving a compliment in return when someone gives you a compliment.

Whether it is to enhance your marriage, relationships or business, compliments have an undisputable, indomitable force which can help you to achieve your goal, even faster or quicker than ever envisaged. Why don’t you give a trial today and see the difference it will make in your relationships, courtship or marriage.

TOUCH OF TRUTH

Ejiro is the second of her parents’ three children and the only female; from an affluent family, she had her secondary and university education in Canada and on completion of her education, Ejiro stayed back in Canada to work. Ten years later, Ejiro was a successful legal practitioner and still single. Though she had been in a number of relationships over the years, none had led to marriage and quite frankly, her singleness no longer bothered her; she wanted to get married but if it did not happen, she was okay. However, her family was not happy about her attitude; they felt that her attitude was a product of the “foreign” country she lived in and so her parents began pressurizing her to come back to Nigeria and “settle down”. They wore down her resistance and Ejiro returned home five years ago.

A year after her return, Ejiro met Korede at a dinner party hosted at a European Embassy. They became friends and shortly afterwards, Korede asked Ejiro to be his girlfriend. She really liked him but she decided to seek the opinion of a few friends before agreeing to his proposition as she had been in the country for just a short while and was not sure of his reputation. Her friends told her that Korede was a “good catch” and that she should not let him get away; they had asked around about him and the general consensus was that Korede was a good man though according to some of his ex-girlfriends, he was sometimes eccentric. Finally, when nobody raised any red flags, Ejiro said yes to Korede and they began a relationship. Ejiro’s parents were delighted at the development. In the course of their courtship, Ejiro noticed that Korede kept several medicines in his bathroom cabinet; when she asked him about it, he said that he had high blood pressure and needed to take some pills daily to control the ailment. This was no big deal to Ejiro and she even began making adjustments to their diet so as to reduce food items that could raise his blood pressure. Two years after they first met, Ejiro and Korede got married.

Just over a year into their marriage, Korede began showing signs of possessiveness over Ejiro; he got jealous if he saw her speaking to another man and also called her on the phone several times a day to check up on her movements. At first, Ejiro was flattered by his behaviour but as it became a constant part of their lives, Ejiro became upset. She told Korede that she wasn’t interested in any other man and tried her best to more careful about relating to members of the opposite sex but the more she tried, the more suspicious he became. It got so bad that she had to stop some of her friends from visiting her home as Korede believed they were the ones “leading her astray” but all her efforts to assure him of her fidelity and commitment to their marriage failed. Ejiro practically cut off all other relationships in her life before Korede eased up on her.

Shortly after their relationship picked up, Ejiro became pregnant. They were quite happy about this and began making preparations for the baby’s arrival. In the fourth month of the pregnancy, Korede began having mood swings; this was totally unexpected and caught Ejiro unawares. One minute, Korede was happy about the baby, the next he denied responsibility for the pregnancy and accused her of being unfaithful to him, and within the twinkle of an eye, he would burst into tears and beg Ejiro to forgive him for the accusations. Ejiro was at a loss as to how to deal with Korede and she became worried that he might somehow harm her; as it was, she was not getting much needed rest and sleep and was losing weight. By the time Ejiro was six months pregnant, it was clear that she was emotionally and physically stressed so the doctor put her on bed rest; her mother then moved in with her so as to take care of and help her around the house.

It was not long before Ejiro’s mother noticed that things were strained between Ejiro and Korede but she did not say anything as she did not want to pry into her daughter’s marital affairs. Things came to a head one morning when Korede accused his mother-in-law of being a witch and of trying to turn his wife against him; Ejiro’s mother was alarmed by Korede’s accusations and she told her daughter that she was returning to her own home. At that point, Ejiro told her mother about how Korede had changed over the past months, she said that she was growing afraid of him and did not want to be left alone with him. Naturally, Ejiro’s mother grew worried so she decided to continue her visit but she reported everything that happened to her husband and Ejiro’s brothers; the family decided to keep close tabs on Ejiro and her mother. Over the next few days following that incident, Korede’s mood swings became more intense but he soon appeared to calm down. Though the situation in the home improved, Ejiro and her mother were still uncomfortable with Korede’s behaviour and they found it hard to put their guard down around him.

One morning, Ejiro woke up to the sound of Korede’s weeping. All efforts by Ejiro and her mother to calm him down and uncover the reason for his crying failed; after almost an hour of non-stop crying, Ejiro called one of Korede’s brothers reported the issue to him and asked him to come over. In short time, Korede’s brother and one of his sisters arrived with an elderly man who they introduced as their family doctor. They followed Ejiro into the bedroom where Korede was still crying and the doctor gave him a sedative; almost immediately, he drifted off into a deep sleep and they all went to the sitting room.

As they sat down, the doctor said it was clear that Korede had been off his medication for several weeks and needed to be admitted into the psychiatric hospital as soon as possible. It was then that Ejiro got to know that Korede had a mental condition for which he had to take some pills every day; the pills that Ejiro thought were to control Korede’s blood pressure were actually to prevent him from becoming manic. Ejiro learnt that Korede had never liked being so dependent on drugs and several times in the past, he had gone off his medication, resulting in his hospitalization. Korede’s doctor and siblings were shocked to know that he had kept his condition a secret from Ejiro. Korede was hospitalized and his family tended him because Ejiro’s condition and the prescribed bed-rest prevented her from caring for her husband. Korede was discharged and became an outpatient a few days before Ejiro gave birth to their daughter.

A month later, after much unease, Korede broke the ice by apologizing to Ejiro and asking for forgiveness. He said he had kept his illness a secret from her because it had been the reason for many ladies breaking up with him in the past. That day, Ejiro and Korede had a long discussion and at the end they resolved to stay together; they also went to see both sets of parents and told them of their decision. It was decided that with professional counselling as well as Ejiro’s loving care, Korede would find it easier to stay on his medication; their families also promised to give needed emotional support.

Comments

Life is about relationships. It is a fact of life that we are daily building, sustaining or letting go of some relationships we have and our choices of which relationships to build, sustain or break off determine our success or failure in life. For a relationship to be successful it must have a purpose and all the persons involved in it must truly desire it. No relationship is “just there”; every marriage, friendship, business partnership, mentorship etc should be for a purpose otherwise the relationship will eventually collapse and it would all have been a waste of time. Also, it is a fact that you cannot always be the initiator of every relationship in your life, sometimes others will initiate the relationship; this means that you have the privilege of either allowing or not allowing it to develop and your choice should be based on primarily on information, not emotions. This is particularly true of marriage.

The period of courtship is the “information gathering” stage of the relationship and the choice of whether or not to get married should be based on the information gathered and not just your emotions. It is indeed commendable that Ejiro asked around about Korede before agreeing to date him but obviously she either did not ask the right questions or she did not ask the right persons about him hence her ignorance about his illness. It’s not just about asking questions, but asking the right questions (we encourage you to buy Pastor Bimbo’s book “How To Choose a Life Partner, 165 Questions To Ask). How do you know the right questions to ask, pray; tell God to show you things that you ordinarily would not see by yourself. Don’t be fooled by how “smart” people say you are, involve God in your decision making; you would be surprised the kind of things that God will either open your eyes to see or cause people to reveal to you.

Korede really liked Ejiro but past experiences had taught him that revealing his illness could cause her to break up with him so he decided not to tell her the truth about the medicines in his cabinet. He knew what he wanted and he did all within his power to get her. It was Ejiro’s responsibility to find out about Korede; during their two years of dating, she never once picked up one of the bottles to read its name, much less what it was for. Please note that when a man or woman wants you, he or she will tell you whatever you like to hear just so as to become a part of your life; it is your responsibility to guard your heart.

If you discover something you do not like during your courtship, you can choose to either break up the relationship or continue if you believe you can either live with it or the person you are courting is willing to work on that weakness. However, if like Ejiro, you only find out after marriage, divorce should not necessarily be your next option. It is a proven fact that there are many things we think that we cannot live with yet we can. If like Ejiro, you find that your spouse has a mental illness, your first thought should not be divorce but how you can help him/her. Visit his/her doctor, get online, find out all you can about the illness and how it can be managed; marriage is not about your convenience, it is a covenant relationship you vowed to stay in for better, for worse. That is why it is important to do all necessary things before you say “I DO” so that you won’t have to say later “WHAT HAVE I DONE?” It is a good thing that Ejiro decided to stay in the marriage but the truth is that Korede was wrong to have deceived her. If you love a person enough to marry him/her then you should trust him/her enough to reveal your true self to the person during courtship. If knowing your weaknesses or area of challenges will cause the person you are courting to leave you, then he/she was not meant for you and will probably still leave after marrying you; lying just postpones the day of reckoning. Sincerity, trust and truthfulness are indispensable pillars of a meaningful and healthy relationship and marriage.

If your spouse has reproductive problems, start thinking of adoption. Does he/she have a child outside marriage? Let him/her be responsible for the child’s upkeep; if you can, bring the child into your home. There are many issues that can crop up in a marriage and it is true that some of them can be very painful, but I encourage you not to take any decisions in the heat of the moment. Give it time, pray, seek godly counsel from godly people whose wisdom have been proven in times past, before you do anything. Your case need not end up in a divorce court; like Ejiro you can produce a testimony from your test. God bless you.

IF THIS ARTICLE TOUCHED YOUR HEART, YOU MIGHT WANT TO TALK TO ANY OF OUR PBO FOUNDATION COUNSELLORS BY CONTACTING The Fountain of Life Church on 01-8980183/5 or 08035800201. E-mail: pastor@tfolc.org
You may also visit our website at www.tfolc.org

IF ONLY...

2000 is one year that Emeka will never forget. It marked the end of one phase of his life and the beginning of another; both phases had to do with relationships he was involved in.

Seven years earlier, Emeka began dating Toyin, a lady he met while on campus. After dating for about three years, they decided to get married; neither of them foresaw any problem as their relationship was known to their family and there had never been any resistance to their relationship. It was therefore a great shock when Toyin’s father opposed their marriage plans because they were from different tribes and this was more disturbing because it wasn’t a something that could be changed. After four years of unsuccessfully trying to change her father’s attitude, Toyin and Emeka parted ways early in 2000.

Sometimes in July 2000, Emeka paid a visit to an older friend, Nnamdi, whom he regarded as a spiritual mentor. Emeka had known Nnamdi for over ten years and he trusted and respected him. The visit was at Nnamdi’s invitation; he told Emeka that he wanted to introduce him to one of his nieces, Chidinma as God had revealed to him while praying for the two of them, that they were meant for each other. Emeka was not even thinking of a relationship so he was caught off guard but after listening to Nnamdi and convinced that he had his best interests at heart, Emeka decided to get in touch with Chidinma. He got her number from Nnamdi and gave her a call a few days later. From that call, Emeka got a good impression of Chidinma; they spoke a few more times before their first date a week later. The date was nice and it was the first of many others. A month later, Emeka and Chidinma officially became a couple and he informed Nnamdi who was quite happy at the news. As their relationship progressed, Emeka grew more affectionate towards Chidinma; she really was nothing like Toyin. While Toyin found it hard to express her feelings and never gave Emeka a gift during their seven years together though he constantly showered her with cards and gifts and often told her that he loved her, Chidinma did not only tell regularly Emeka that she loved him, she also wrote him poems and sent him romantic cards and Emeka reveled in her expressions of love.

Three months into their relationship, Nnamdi again called Emeka; using the incident with Toyin as reference, he advised him against a long courtship and also said that God had told him to foot the bills for Emeka and Chidinma’s wedding. Caught up in the euphoria of Chidinma’s love and Nnamdi’s offered financial help, Emeka decided to get married within the next two months. Shortly afterwards, Nnamdi and Chidinma went to the village to see his parents; though they were warmly received, his parents were uncomfortable about the rush to get married. They wanted time to investigate Chidinma’s character and family background before giving their consent but Emeka assured them that she was a good girl and since she was Nnamdi’s niece, his parents backed down, reluctantly gave their consent and began preparing for a wedding which was to take place in a month’s time.

About two weeks to the wedding, Emeka and one of his sisters were talking about the wedding preparations and she asked if Emeka and Chidinma had done blood and pregnancy tests; he told her that they hadn’t done any tests as they were not required to do so in the church in which they were getting married. His sister advised that they still take the tests just “to be on the safe side”. When Emeka suggested it to Chidinma, she told him her blood type and said the other tests were not necessary as they had not had sexual intercourse when Emeka insisted, she reported to Nnamdi. Two days later, Nnamdi called Emeka and expressed his displeasure at the fact that Emeka apparently did not trust Chidinma even though she had never given him any reason not to and also because though he had “started in the spirit”, Emeka now wanted to “end in the flesh”. Nnamdi said that since their marriage was God’s will, Emeka had no need for any tests; he said that God will never give him someone evil and at that point Emeka apologised and gave up on the tests. In December 2000, Emeka and Chidinma got married and three months later, his world came crashing down.

A few weeks after their wedding, Chidinma began falling ill repeatedly; based on the symptoms, Emeka felt she had malaria and so he bought drugs for her to use. When the symptoms persisted and she also started developing rashes and sores on her body in addition to disturbing weight loss, Emeka insisted that she see a doctor. At the hospital, Chidinma had to have a blood test; when they went back for the results, Emeka was told to also have a blood test because Chidinma’s result revealed that she was HIV+. Emeka could not believe his ears but when prodded by the doctor, he recalled that he had once discharged some pus from his penis but when it never recurred, he had forgotten all about it. When Emeka’s result came out, he was also HIV+ Emeka was devastated and he immediately recalled his sister’s advice about going for a blood test before the wedding. He then called Nnamdi and told him all that had happened; Nnamdi did not say a word.

Emeka comes from a polygamous home and he says that one sure way to locate his father’s house in the village is just to ask for the man that likes beating his wives in public. This made Emeka decide from his youth never to have more than one wife and also informed his decision to stand by Chidinma when he found out that she became HIV+ because she had had a rough past. Though he was deeply pained, he did not castigate his wife but just began focusing on the way forward for them. They took the advice of the doctor and started receiving treatment; Emeka never told anyone, aside Nnamdi, all that had happened.

However, Chidinma became his albatross. It seemed that immediately she realized that her ‘secret’ was out, she decided to show her true colours; she became rude, stopped cooking and cleaning the house, and no longer informed him of her movements. Her attitude became a constant source of friction in their home; Nnamdi also stopped picking Emeka’s calls so there was no one for him to turn to, his home was no longer a refuge for him but he was willing to work at his marriage. This went on for five months and then one day, Emeka and Chidinma had another fight and she began insulting him. As she spoke, she said that her HIV status was known to her family and Nnamdi and she had only married him because they wanted her off their hands; she also said it was his fault he got infected as he should have taken his sister’s advice and insisted on the blood tests before their marriage. She then started laughing as she ridiculed his love for her. Emeka was embarrassed and at a loss for words at her outburst and that day, he decided that his marriage was over. A week later, on their way back from an outing, he drove straight to her parents’ house and dropped her off; that was the last time Emeka saw Chidinma.


REFLECTIONS

Marriage is meant to be a life-long relationship and it is an institution which requires a lot of patience, kindness and willingness by both husband and wife to always forgive and forget all wrongs. It is no child’s play and this is why we must be careful about the person we choose to enter this relationship with; the person is crucial to the success or failure of your marriage. That choice is so important that it should not be based on emotions (they are fickle) or appearances (which could be deceptive because they fade away/temporal). Have you ever wondered why our ancestors had good marriages even though most of the marriages were arranged? It is for the simple fact that marriage partners were chosen based on their personal character traits and family backgrounds, emotions did not play a major role in the decision making. They took time to separate the wheat from the chaff but now, we put more emphasis on our feelings and neglect to do the needful thing- study the person and make independent enquiries into his/her character. It was this, which led to Emeka’s pathetic experience.

The sole reason for courtship is to determine if the person you want to marry is right for you. A courtship is successful when both parties are committed to being honest with each other, even if it means that they might end up not getting married. It was this honesty and openness that was missing in Emeka and Chidinma’s courtship. Chidinma knew she was HIV+ and she chose to hide this vital information from Emeka; however, it was Emeka’s responsibility to find out all he could about the woman he was about to marry. When people want something from you, it is natural that they would put their best foot forward so as to gain your favour but you must be willing to dig deeper than the surface before committing yourself. This is a principle practiced by successful businessmen because their assets, time and energy are at stake so why give less attention when your life and the future of your children are at stake?

It is to save many singles much unnecessary pain that most churches insist on parental consent and medical tests for those desiring to get married. It is rare to find parents who do not wish their children the best and medical tests are advised so as to prevent nasty surprises in the future. If you have a medical condition it is better to disclose it; if the person is still willing to marry you, you are assured of his/her support whenever you need it. If the person chooses to go, it is to your advantage, you are assured that you will not be abandoned in a time of need. You have absolutely nothing to lose by doing your homework. Emeka is now HIV+ because he resisted his parents’ call for caution and his sister’s counsel to have medicals done; the truth is that he need not have gone through all that heartbreak if he had only been wiser.

“Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding.” Proverbs 4:7.

God is the believers’ final authority. He has given us pastors, teachers, prophets, etc to help us in our Christian growth but they are by no means, our intermediaries with God; Jesus is the only Intermediary. The Berean Christians were commended because after Paul taught them, they went back home and searched through the scriptures to see if what he had told them were true. Acts 17:10-13. When a minister tells you something “from God”, please go back to your prayer closet and talk to your God. Let the Holy Spirit give you a confirmation. If ever a “man of God” tries to manipulate into doing what he wants, like Nnamdi did to Emeka when he wanted to go for the medical tests, please be careful. Manipulation is sin; man was given dominion over animals, not over other men.

Life is really not difficult when we commit our lives to God. He is always just a whisper away; please develop a habit of praying before taking both minor and major decisions in life. You can never go wrong with God.


DECISION

If you are yet to develop a relationship with God, I invite you to make the ONE decision that you will never regret; the decision to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour. His is the only Love worth seeking; to accept Him, please say this prayer:

Dear heavenly Father, I come to You today and ask You to forgive my sins. I believe in my heart that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. I believe that He was raised from the dead for my justification and I confess Him now as my Lord and personal Saviour. Thank You for saving me. Amen


Feel free to post your comments and questions and share experiences with others (here) below this article…

Stay Blessed and connected!

DEALING WITH THE NEEDS OF LIFE AS A SINGLE

By Pastor Taiwo Odukoya, Senior Pastor, The Fountain of Life Church.

Philippians 4:1-23.

Paul expressed a situation where he was in a great need and how he got strength and answers from God through His word. He actually acknowledged his needs, but never succumbed to the pressures from the demands of his needs.
Paul learnt in the midst of his needs how to abase so as to abound. That is, he learnt contentment and humility.
You can not define life in terms of needs or with respect to needs. There will always be a need in your lives at the different certain stages of life. There are basic needs of life which include among others; food, clothing, shelter… It is when these needs are settled that one thinks of marriage and relationships.
You need to have self-esteem and self-respect in order to command respect from others, thereby you achieve confidence. These are parts of the needs of life.
Paul got his confidence through the words of God to move on; until he began to move some needs were never met in his life.

Don’t be moved by your needs, let your eyes be fixed by grace in God’s words. Paul resolved that whether he got his needs or not, he will move on to fulfill purpose. For some people, their needs are stumbling blocks to their purpose.
To most singles, the prevalent need is how to get married. The instruction from God is that, “DON’T WORRY.” Therefore, instead of being bothered and pressed over your prevalent needs, rejoice and look up to God in prayers. By this, you will not get stocked because your testimonies are on the way and you will celebrate.

Cast your burden on Jesus.

The way the world defines our needs is different from the way the Bible defines them. The more reason you need to study and believe the word of God, and put your trust only in Him. Your needs or possessions can not define you. Only your spirit working in accordance with the Spirit of God and God-given abilities and potentials can rightly define you (in the will of God).

Needs are psychological on nature while pressures are socio-cultural or environmental in nature. So don’t allow pressures to overwhelm you, wait on God’s will. In your ability, there is a divine partnership. It is the strength of God that will make you to abase so as to abound and present nothing from stopping you.
Phil.4:13.

Life doesn’t depend on marriage; it’s only part of your purpose. Your purpose is greater than marriage, so don’t be limited by the need to get married. Pursue purpose and wait patiently on God.

“The person waiting is the one that is walking yet not weary. He is the one who keeps moving on in life, watching God regardless the pressures of his needs as such to manifest God’s will.”

CONFESSION

Make this confession to yourself by faith and believe God I may not always have what and all I need, but by the grace of God, they will never deter me from fulfilling purpose.