BATTLE OF THE SEXES: 7 DIFFERENCES BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN (Part 2)

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

The first thing you will find out when you get married is that “love is patient.” God designed a woman different from man with a reason. Although, there are exceptional cases; but the differences we are considering are for most men and women.
The way a man thinks as different from the way a woman thinks is to help in decision making in their relationship. Both are not to compete because of their differences, but to complement each other.
Sometimes, duty comes before joy and happiness. So, men need to be patient and very wise enough to handle their spouses so that they can be happy in their relationship.

DIFFERENCE 2: - PHYSICAL DIFFERENCE

      1. The physical appeal or appearance of a man and a woman usually shows certain differences between the duo. While a man’s body shape is straight and rectangular with strong biceps, a woman’s body shape is curvy and busty. Someone once opined that God must have made man from raw materials and woman from finished products.
      2. Women have more hormones than men. This is why they are more emotional and very touchy. For instance, when a woman is pregnant or in her menstrual cycle, her hormones are usual in high action that she gets to be very touchy and emotional.
When women with such abilities submit to the Holy Spirit, they will be able to control their emotions and act in ways they will not hurt themselves or other people.
      3. In 1 Peter 3:7, we can infer that men are usually physically strong. Most men are usually 15% stronger than most women. This is to help them fulfill their roles as a “protector” and a “provider” for their families. Man’s God’s given strength is not for him to beat his wife turning her to a punching bag; or bully the children under the disguise of chastening them. It is for him to serve her and the entire family.
     4. Men are moved by what they see physically but women are moved by what they hear. So, while most men engage in looking around and surveying, women engage in talking and listening to hear good things.
     5. Sexual Drive: - Sex is only to be practiced in marriage. The sexual drive for men is always present. Men are usually the initiators of sex and for them they can have sex anywhere. For women, it must be in a conducive environment, comfortable enough to stimulate them and build up their emotions because they want a sexual build-up. Most women want to be prepared mentally before having sex. Don’t just get her annoyed or tired because she always want to be prepared emotionally and mentally before having sex.
     6. Women response to feelings while men response to sight (what they see). You must treat her with much care. Give her surprise calls and gifts. Give her sweet compliments and good gestures. You can send her sweet rose flowers. Just do things for her out of the ordinary. You can also help her in doing some of the house chores and in the kitchen. Because men are moved by sight, women should make sure they look queenly gorgeous at all times for their spouses. For instance, wake up early in the morning to appear before your husband as a clean queen so that he carry a beautiful picture of you as he steps out of home for work. By this, he will be able to keep a good memory of you throughout the day, keep the communication with you and avoid liable temptations.

DIFFERENCE 3: - WOMEN ARE EMOTIONAL, MEN ARE LOGICAL

     1. Though all people are in touch with their emotions, but women are more emotional than men. They are usually prone to feelings. They say words like the following when engaged in discussions: “you don’t know how I feel”, “dear”, etc. They refer most times to their feelings when in conversing.
On the other hand, men are logical as they always want to reason out things. They ask questions to get down understanding in details every bit of an issue or situation. When it comes to business, work, family, etc, he is usually logical because he wants to take responsibility for all things.
Most women keep silent when they are highly emotional and troubled. When you she says to you “nothing”, you need to just hold her hands and keep silent. There are many things to learn and understand in silence.
Sometimes, the emotions of women are right and same time, the logic of men is right. Then, it is important to be wise in taking decision. Research has proven that more women are treated for depression than men because they are more emotional.
     2.  You need to be careful on how you handle the issue of money in a relationship. Women can be very emotional in giving. She barely thinks before giving out money. But, a man ordinarily will first of all sit down and reason out things before taking a decision or action. Women are usually drawn to people in need than most men. What is most important that both of you should always seek is whether both of you are happy or not.

Woman Crying Uncontrollably

    3. Most women cry about four times more than men. This affects them in their life endeavours even in spiritual matters.
    4. When women are emotional, they talk more. But for men, they rather bottle up and get angry than get to talking. When you have any disagreement in your relationship, make sure you quickly sought out things and don’t hide your forgiveness. As a man, you are a leader; you are the first that should seek for reconciliation and forgive. Resolving issues is not about what or who is right or wrong. When your spouse unearth her emotions – the way she feels, it will help a lot in solving many problems. So, allow her to talk.
Men should understand women’s emotions in order to avoid manipulation.

DIFFERENCE 4: - WOMEN ARE INTUITIVE, MEN ARE ANALYTICAL

    1. When a woman talks, you need to listen. She will seem nagging at times; it is because you haven’t heard her. Though some women nag when they talk about their emotions and feelings. When a woman talks and expresses herself, she doesn’t necessarily wants you to proffer solutions but just to listen attentive to her.
Men that know how to treat their spouses well are those who know how to listen attentively.
Women should support the logical visions, goals and ambitions or dreams of their spouses.

MONEY AND RELATIONSHIP PART 2: (HOW FINANCES AFFECT MARITAL RELATIONSHIP)

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

(President, The Singles Fellowship, The Fountain of Life Church)

Scripture Text: Matthew 19:1-6

    In the world we live in today, the percentage of divorce has risen tremendously in the last couple of years and it is not only limited to people outside the church, even members of the Body of Christ are caught in this web. In fact, there is a statistics that says that 50 percent of people who get married even in church are getting a divorce. Christians are supposed to be custodian of marriage as the Lord intended.

Over history, it has been discovered that MONEY is one of the major reasons why couples get divorced and why a marriage doesn’t work. But in general term, there are three major reasons, namely: SEX, MONEY and COMMUNICATION.

    When the Pharisees came to Jesus, they wanted to trap Him with this question: “Can a man be allowed to divorce his wife for any reason?” Jesus says nothing should result to divorce in marriage, let nothing put you and your partner asunder; including money. That is, once you get married to somebody, you become one with that person. Whatever belongs to you belongs to me. Your assets are my assets; my liabilities are your liabilities. That’s why it is very important that before you get married to someone, you ensure that they have the right assets and they don’t have the kind of liabilities that will take you out of that marriage or bring you down. Somebody will say ‘what kind of liabilities can bring someone down?’ Imagine you are getting married to somebody who has very huge sums of debt, and there is no realistic way or no plan with which he/she is going to pay it off. Whatever belongs to you belongs to me. We share everything together. It is not, ‘this is my money and that is your money’ we have decided to get married, everything becomes our own – mine and yours become ours and I and you become we. If you do not change that mentality before you get married, it going to have a lot of negative impact in your marriage. That is where trust becomes very important and critical.

    In Genesis 2:24, “nakedness” implies openness between the two partners. Where there is no trust, the issues of money will definitely cause problems. So, trust is a valuable asset in every relationship. It is the foundation for a happy and successful relationship. In a successful relationship, you don’t need 99.9% trust, you need 100 % trust. Because a 0.1 level of distrust can bring down your relationship. Trust provides comfort and it is the basis for a relationship.

    It is because of this trust that when couples are buying houses these days; in the past people bought houses in the name of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, now it is Mr. Shola and Mrs. Debola Smith because they tell you anybody can be Mrs. Smith. So, she says to him you have to put my real name. You cannot blame her for insisting in some of these things. She knows that you perhaps come from a very dysfunctional home, that if something happens to you tomorrow, your family will move in. Have you done anything to give her comfort? Does she have sufficient stake in your life? Is she very confident that if something happens to you, nobody will come and challenge her on the property that both of you purchased?

    Therefore, we need to realize that, money is important in a relationship, but money itself does not bring happiness. Money in itself is neutral. But your marriage can be enhanced by money. The Bible says that ‘Money is a defense as wisdom is also a defense. Money gives you some level of safety. Real satisfaction is not found in money. It is not money that really makes you happy, it is not money that gives you security, it is the things that money can do for you. It is the patience, the good work, the godliness, the love, the endurance, the gentleness, the way you treat your spouse and your commitment that money enhances are what give you satisfaction and happiness in a relationship. We need to know that in life, money is a support system. It does not make us happy, but it is what it can give us and do for us. There are people who live in big houses and yet are not happy; while some live in small houses and are happy. Though, there are people who live in big houses that are happy.

WHAT MONEY DOES FOR YOU?

    Money helps to meet certain basic and legitimate needs and not necessarily wants of life, among these are:

1. It determines the kind of school your children will go.
2. It determines the kind of hospitals you can go.
3. It determines the kind of clothes you can wear.
4. It determines the type of places you can reside and homes you can dwell.
5. It helps you with wisdom to manage your time and have no stress.
6. It helps in fulfillment of certain goals, values, dreams and aspirations.

    Money helps you to do these things. Therefore your attitude to this money is what is important. You need to pray earnestly for God to continue to provide for you and to move you up on a consistent basis.

The Bible says is 1 Tim 6:10. “The love of money is the root of all evil” It is not money that is evil itself. Money is neutral. The love of money is the root of all evil, so it is your attitude to money that is important. And before you get married to anybody, you must understand their attitude to money.

    You need to come to a point where you realize that God is my Source; you need to absolutely trust God to supply all my need according to His riches in glory.

FINANCIAL PLANNING

    Both of you need to plan on how you will make sufficient money as well as spend it. For instance, my wife and I are both from a savings culture. Remember there are two kinds of people when it comes to issue of money – the saver and the spender. You need to know before you get married if he/she is also a spender or a saver. Therefore, when we got married, we were just saving and saving. The balance is this; there are some things you can spend on. You are not going to be frivolous about it. There are certain things you need to spend on that will improve your relationship and when you have money, you will be able to afford them.

There are so many people who are not financially responsible because they have addictions; addiction to gambling, materialism (fashion), social occasion, gaming, recreation and so on.

    In addition to this, you should know the kind of impact the expenses of the family of your partner will have on you. You shouldn’t just discard it that he/she is helping his/her brother or sister. Can you be sure that you will be committed to it? Not that when he/she says that ‘my brother’s school fees is here again’ you begin to grumbler or he/she says ‘I need to send money to my parent’ and you also begin to grumble. All these things need to be talked about before you get married. You also need to plan and understand the things you can afford and the ones you can’t afford.

    You need to also ask yourself this question: Can I survive on our income? I was discussing with someone recently, you want to get married, brother, how much do you earn? ‘I earn 250 thousand naira a month’ Madam how much do you earn? ‘I earn N150 Thousand a month’ That is N400 Thousand a month. Can we survive on this? That is N4.8 Million a year. Can we get a house out of this? When we bring a child into the world, are we bringing him to suffer or we can provide for these children? You need to plan and ensure how you can survive on your income.

    You can’t live on love, you need money to survive. When you wake up in the morning, is it love you will eat? Is it love that will send the children to school? Is it love that you will drive? These things are so important and highly essential. Therefore, before and after you get married, there must be effective communication. You need to be communicating continuously about money issues. You need to understand whether your partner is willing to share information about financial issues or not? You don’t know how much she earns, she doesn’t know how much you earn, if I tell him now, or if I tell her now, she will say we should spend more. No! trust is the foundation of any relationship.

    Listen to this, A survey by the non-profit CESI debt solutions reveal that 80% of spouses spend money their partners don’t know about, and more than two-thirds of the respondence have had a relationship affected by financial dishonesty. Another study commissioned by the National Endowment for Financial Education and Forbes Women, discovered that 3 in 10 Americans agreed to financial deception with their partners. Of those, nearly 60% had hidden cash, more than 50% had hidden purchases, an additional 30% had hidden statement of bills and 34% said they lied about their financial debt or money earned.

    Women are victimized more often than men. According to the NEFE study, 65% of women said their partners had lied to them about finances or debts compared with 47% of men. Among those who were deceived, more that 40% said it damaged trust in their relationship and for 16% it resulted in divorce. So we need to be open about these things.

    Another important issue is this; when you get married and one party is working while the other party is not working, or you say, ’My wife will not work’ (usually I don’t subscribe to it) but if you are in that position, where your wife says she’s not going to work or you do not want your wife to work, you must provide for her sufficiently, she must have so much trust in you that she is not going to suffer for anything. She must be absolutely sure that she has sufficient stake in your life, that even when she has a dream, you can finance her dream. Because that causes a power imbalance and sometimes, the person who makes the money thinks or believes that he/she should be the person to decide on how to spend it. No! Both of you should decide on how to spend it.

    Things may be rough at the onset, you may not get some of the things you want; but as you build together your relationship through thick and thin, you become more close/intimate. But if you put your mind on money alone, money may come, but because you have not built a relationship, money becomes useless to you.

So, as much as money is very important in relationships, you need to first of all build strength of character, godliness, righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Ghost. Be a person of character while you look towards the future and commit your future into the hands of God knowing that though your beginnings may be small, your later end will greatly be increased.

    As a woman, you should encourage your husband because his ego is affected by how much he has sometimes. When he can’t pay for some things, encourage him with kind gestures and compliments and let him feel like the man he is. Pray earnestly for him.

    Remember that, you have a God, the One you can always depend on whenever you face challenges; weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

    Never compromise anything for your marriage. May the Lord help you in Jesus’ name. Amen.                                                                                                                                                         

MONEY AND RELATIONSHIP PART 1: (HOW FINANCES AFFECT MARITAL RELATIONSHIP)

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

(President, The Singles Fellowship, The Fountain of Life Church)

Is it possible to experience true love without money? Why is it that people are experiencing challenges with money in their relationships? Are there things people can do in order to have a good relationship and money will not be a problem? What are the things you need to do and look for when dating or when we get married about money?

Matthew 19:1-6 (NLT)

The Scriptures says that, when you get married to someone, you are united together into one. That is, when you come to the altar, when you say I do, you say I do to everything about the man or woman. You need to consider this very well so that you don’t have to say what did I do afterwards. When you say I do, you say I do to his/her ways of life. So, emotions should not be a major factor to be considered in deciding on who to marry. Emotions change, that is why it is called “e-motions”; meaning “always changing”. Therefore, if you base your decisions only on emotions, your emotions may change about the person because they are very fickle.

So, to decide on whether to marry someone or not, you need to consider so many things. When you begin to consider first how to have sex before marriage, you will stop to consider important issues, of which money or finance is an important issue.

Life Action Ministries defined marriage as stated below:

1.   A holy covenant 

2.   Initiated by God

3.  Conditioned on an irrevocable promise

4.  Oneness with an imperfect person of the opposite sex

5.  For a lifetime

6. To glorify God

Oneness with an imperfect person implies that you are not looking for someone who is perfect, but you are looking for someone who you are perfect together, someone who is perfect for you. You should know then that your mindset and thinking about money is different from his/her mindset and thinking about the same. Therefore, when you come into a relationship, you need to ensure that such mindset is worked on before you say I do.

There are three most important issues in any relationship or marriage, namely:

1.      Communication: When both of you build a good communication, you will have a good marriage.

2.      Sex in marriage: When you are satisfied with the issue of sex in marriage, it is a pointer that you will have a good marriage.

3.      Money: This is one of the most important issues in marriage. It is unavoidable that must be discussed before and after marriage. Money is more romantic than divorce. Couples who disagree about finances once a week are more likely to divorce than couples who disagree a few times a week about finances. Once you keep disagreeing once a week, there is likelihood it ends up in divorce. Also, 45% of money talks among partners end up in argument. (Ref: American Express Spending and Tracker Survey). Once you start argument in your relationship, you begin to introduce dangerous things into it. You can have disagreement, but avoid argument. Argument is usually a strong destructive emotion. Spend more time in discussing on constructive issues in your relationships and marriage and doing constructive things.(Ref: American Express Spending and Tracker Survey).

If two people are in a relationship and they spend more time arguing, they are spending more time on destructive issues, you may need to break such relationship because you are agreeing on important things.

Some people indulge in pre-nuptial agreement, this anticipates divorce. It is only because of money and physical resources. However, though money is important, money should not be the reason you marry someone. This is because money doesn’t have loyalty; it doesn’t have character or traits. It doesn’t like or hate you. It is neutral to life. Proverbs 23:5. Money develops wings and then flies away. If you marry someone because of money, once the money finishes, the person will turn away from you. That is why you should know the reason someone wants to get married to you; especially if you are someone with resources.

There are some people who want to get married because they want children. Once you have given them children, such will tell you that you have finished your duty and then abandon you. Some need someone to take care of them, while some need someone to pay their bills. So, you need to investigate why someone wants to get married to you.

You need someone who believes what God believes about you and someone who will be committed to achieving what God believes about you. You need someone who has a vision.

Why is money so important in a relationship?

1.      Money is a support system:  It determines your comfort level. All the things that make you comfortable in this world are monetized. Clothes, cars, houses, etc are monetized, you need to buy them. Imagine you are married and your wife is pregnant, but you don’t have a car, do you think money will determine your comfort level or not? The kind of schools your children can attend and where you live all depend on or are determined by money. Holidays cost money. Whether you go on holiday to a distant place or near places is all determined by money. So, it is a support system. Without this, you will barely be surviving. If your genuine needs are not being met consistently over an extended period of time because of financial difficulties, it will affect the harmony of your relationship. Because, frustration will set in and it will put you under emotional pressure. Therefore, it will be difficult to perform the duties (sexual, physical, financial and emotional duties) you are required to perform. Once you have emotional pressure, you have emotional imbalance. Though, you may be in a situation of lack, you need to realize and acknowledge God as your source of financial provision. The solution is not in frowning but in the word of God. Job 15:12 (MSG). When your emotions take over when you lack money in a relationship and you are under emotional pressure or tension, you begin to speak fire. Whatever you speak is what will happen in your relationship. Proverbs 14:30. When there is provision for you, it is robust body. Sound mind will make you look good and healthier. Lack of money corrodes your body and makes your think too much causing hypertension. You income level will determine the kind of problem you will have or face in a relationship. Low income people, there major problem is access to resources is usually difficult. This will increase there stress level and often result into fighting and poor health. For medium and high income people, there problem is not usually about getting the money, but about spending it. That is, accountability.

You can’t live on love, you need money to survive. We live in the world, though not of the world; if they spend money in the world, we will need money in order to build healthy and successful relationships in the world. Money is neutral, neither good nor bad and neither positive nor negative. It can be a source of security or anxiety, comfort or curiosity. God has created us with good tastes to richly enjoy all things; money changes our taste and gives enjoyment.

2.      Money can be an opportunity for power or impotence: When a man doesn’t have money, it affects his ego and renders him incapable.

Why is money a big source of problem to married people who have said they are committed to one another? It is important because we are from different backgrounds and have seen money from different views. Some come from a background that encourages people to save, some otherwise while others are from an indifferent or neutral background.  In a relationship, when you have different opinions about your expenditures, you need to discuss and balance yourselves. Because, a saver always concentrates on the future; when you do that you may neglect what you need to do in the present that can build your relationship and bring both of you closer to better intimacy. Therefore, it is not how much money you have or don’t have that matters, but it is your attitude to money that matters. You need to know your attitude to money as well as your partner's attitude to money before you get married.

1 Timothy 6:6-10. The love of money is the root of all evil. Love of anything above God is idolatry. If you want to marry someone and you discover he/she loves money too much, it is a signal that he/she may love money more than they love you and may sacrifice you for money. He/she may give up on you for money because he/she loves money more than you.

FEW THINGS TO CONSIDER BEFORE YOU MARRY SOMEONE YOU ARE DATING

1.      Is he/she looking who will pay his/her bills? Is he/she a gold digger who wants to enjoy the benefit of reaping what he/she hasn’t sown? Perhaps, he/she is a leech, that every where you go, he/she is always asking you for money. Or always ask you for the things he/she can’t afford. Does he/she expect you to pay for everything always? When you are in a relationship and people are compelling you to buy something (affordable or non-affordable) for him/her, you need to be careful because you are not married yet.

2.      Is he/she secretive about his/her finances? Does he/she tell you ho much he/she earns?

3.      Does he/she control you with money? Does he/she demands you to do something before he/she gives you money or gifts? Does he/she see money as a power tool? Any person who sees money as a power tool will always want to subjugate you.

4.      Is he/she stingy or frivolous about money? Is he/she a saver or spender? You need to know if he/she consistently loves buying things on credit or not? Such a person becomes a debtor. How can you marry a debtor or arbitrary borrower?

5.      Is he/she a lazy person or very industrious? If he/she is lazy, it will surely affect you when you get marry. Proverbs 21:25.

You need to trust God for your financial life. It good to save and have financial plans, but God is always the true source of wealth. He teaches our hands to make wealth. Deuteronomy 8:18.

Money is very important in a relationship before you get married, but it is very important that you sort it out before you get married.

To be continued...