The Single and Married

HOW TO CRITICIZE YOUR SPOUSE CONSTRUCTIVELY

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

Text: Galatians 6:1-5

The issue of criticism cannot be ignored in a relationship. This is simply because we all have our weaknesses and your partner looking at your weaknesses in the relationship might want to react through criticism. Now knowing that we cannot help but criticize and our criticism must be constructive. While criticizing, you must be very careful because your motive must be right otherwise it will be misunderstood and you may fall off your feet.

Criticism is dangerous and can be a destroyer of relationship. If not properly handled and utilized, it may make your partner feel inferior, shameful and lose their sense of belonging. When you criticize someone there is no real guarantee that he/she will change except you do it in the right way.

You can criticize someone without being critical. You need to keep giving him/her pieces of advice from your mind until “you exhaust yourself and lose your mind”. You must operate on the basis of love. Your spouse doesn’t need to earn your love; you must learn to give it as you have the grace of God.

When you criticize your partner, it should be from a genuine concern or simply because you want to be happy together. Proverbs 11:27. If it is of a genuine concern, we will find favour and they will change but when the motive is wrong then you will get the otherwise. Proverbs 18:19-21. Therefore, the legitimate reason for criticism is to improve the other partner and for the relationship to grow. Criticism is a very bad way to make a request from your spouse.

To be able to properly criticize constructively, you need to observe the following:

1.      You need to develop the ability and attitude to overlook a lot of things:

In a relationship, most of the things people fight for or on are irrelevant things because they fail to ignore
them when they occur to them. Solomon 2:15. You need to understand that you both grew up differently and will tend to see things differently. If one keep criticizing everything the other partner will develop a thick skin.

2.      There are some things that will never change:

Here, we are not emphasizing on character flaws because these must change. But, we are talking about the nature of your partner that may not change. For instance, shyness, height, skin colour, hair type, etc.

3.      Find out why you want to criticize; is it an emotional expression or your fears or you are tired of him/her or the relationship?

You need to ask to know if you are under pressure or you are afraid of the outcome of what you are doing to know if you are doing it for the right motive.

4.      Timing:

You need to find out if your partner is in the right frame of mind to receive your criticism before you discuss the issue and present your criticism.

Don’t get into argument in your relationship because argument cannot solve any issue. When you criticize wrongly what you do is that you break the spirit of your spouse and this cannot solve any issue but rather aggravate it. Note that, the fact that your spouse is wrong doesn’t mean you should not respect him/her.

5. Body language and the tone of the voice used is important:

The body language and the tone you use are very important because 60% of what we say comes from our body language while 40% comes from verbal language. When criticizing someone, you need to make sure that what is said is what is heard. Your tone must not be expressing anger. You must be thoughtful and make sure that you don’t express criticism out of your emotions.

6. Focus on the issues and not on your partner:

You should criticize your partner’s action and not him/her. For example, rather than saying “you are naughty”, you can say “don’t do naughty things.”

7. Use “I” statement rather than “you” statement:

Rather than say “you are not making sense”, you can say “I am having difficulty understanding what you are saying”. The “I” statement takes the responsibility while criticizing.

8. Avoid calling names: especially, the derogatory names.

9. Usually, don’t expect immediate change.

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