The Single and Married: December 2010

Message by Pastor Kunle Osunkunle

Amos 3:3

When you look at the quality of discussion people make in relationship (either while in courtship or marriage), you will discover that it is often shallow. You need to improve on having qualitative discussions, so that you will be able to decipher when you are in a right or wrong relationship before going to the altar to exchange marital vows and tie the knots.

In a relationship, partners need to agree on a lot of issues before going into marriage. Contrariwise, today, you will find out that many couples despite there are unavoidable disagreements between them, they still go ahead to solemnize their bonding at the altar. Obviously, in marriage the neglected disagreements re-surface and become overwhelming issues. Should they have taken time to discuss on relevant matters before marriage, they would have discovered they need not to come to the altar except they had reached a reasonable and acceptable compromise.

Sincerely, when this is taking serious, the rate of divorce will definitely be reduced.

The intrinsic essence of these discussions is to take you to a point where you will gain useful knowledge of the person you are in a relationship with and that person will as well gain useful knowledge about you too. How do you gain knowledge? You ask questions, observe, listen with apt attention and carefully watch.

I have found out that people don’t ask relevant questions when in a relationship. You must know that marriage is your life. Therefore, questions that pertain to your life and purpose must be asked while in relationship. Your relationship is not just about romance, but about asking relevant questions. Your relationship before marriage is not a time for intercourse, but a time for discussions, interview, assessment, evaluation and focus. This must be carefully understood.

To consider the issue of job interview, you apply for a job simply because there is a vacancy. That is, you need to first of all perfectly ascertain beyond all doubts that there is a vacancy. Peradventure, you are considered, you will be invited for an interview. An interview is to discover whether you are suitable for the job or not. The interview, assessment or evaluation process will show prove if the applicant is suitable for the position or not. Let me ask you this, do you employ people just because of their looks, shape or posture? Of course no. The same goes for marriage interview. Remember, marriage is like an establishment. Can you imagine, many people premise their marital decisions not on interview, but on looks and figures/shapes; of which have swept so many off their feet. You got to stand well.

Once again, the only reason you will be employed is because you met the job specifications. And it’s the interview process that will reveal this. The specifications of the job are usually based on the value the employer believes you can deliver to the establishment. Believe me; no organization will employ someone who will decrease the value of the company. You can only be employed having ascertained beyond all reasonable doubts that you will increase their value. The same applies to relationship. You want to marry someone who will increase your value.

If someone is approaching your life, you’ve got to ask can he or she deliver value to your life. Can he or she bring or add worth to your life? You will simply know this through the process of interview.

Are you in a relationship and you see obviously that your partner is destroying your values in the way he or she treats you; yet you say he or she will change as if you are the Holy Spirit? Beware.

When you interview people, the more strategic the position or vacancy, the more strategic your question will be.

For instance, if you want to interview someone for the position of a cleaner, there will be fewer questions to ask. But, imagine if you want to interview for a nuclear scientist, you will definitely ask strategic and precise questions.

Marriage should be taken as a strategic entity. You must take the spouse you intend to marry as strategic person in your life and destiny; ask him or her strategic, precise and relevant questions. The things you will ask should be of top priority to your life and purpose. Not just any talk like which film did you watched yesterday? What’s the name of the designer of your clothes? Which perfume are you wearing? You need to know how these questions will add value to your life. These kind of questions are just like interviewing someone for the position of a cleaner.

Your partner is a very strategic person in your life and destiny. Therefore, you should ask strategic questions before you get married to determine the level of suitability. If in the mundane world interview, assessment and evaluation process is kind of tough, how much more issues that pertaining to life and godliness.

If you work in an organization or an establishment, you can resign or quit the job after some time. But when you are married to someone, you cannot resign or quit. It is till death does the parting. There is nothing like I’m not doing again. So, before you say “I do”, check it out so that you won’t have to say “What did I do?”

Your choice of marriage partner is entirely your decision. And moreover, you are free to choose whoever you like. That however is how far the freedom goes; once you have made a choice, you are bond by the responsibilities that go with your choice.

After marriage, some do say their partners have changed. No, they didn’t change. You didn’t ask questions to know and find out the hidden self of the person. Perhaps, they only asked questions based on what they wanted to know at that time.

Courtship is usually a crash-programme in knowing the life of a person. Can you imagine trying to know the first few decades (say 20 – 30 years) of the life of someone in just few weeks or months? Every decision you take must be tested. So, it is a crash-programme of the past life of your intended partner.

For example, if you meet someone at the age of 28, you have to know a lot about his or her life in the past 28 years, his or her present life and about his or her future probably in the next 5o years. It’s trying to get to know someone’s entire life. Herein, knowledge is important.

When two people get married, they take on their past, present and future of each other. When you need to sit down and discuss issues, don’t play around with complement or comment and emotions. Discuss issues! I am not saying here that you shouldn’t be affectionate, kind, concerned or romantic; but, that you should spend time together to discuss on relevant issues.

Some people even observed that their partners don’t talk when they are together. You need to get him or her to talk. When you are truly in love, it gets you to talk. When you are together with your intended partner and he or she doesn’t talk, you need to check whether he or she is sincerely in love with you. In fact, when you are in love, chances are that you will become a poet. Anything you see will remind you of his or her sight and appearance. You will want to use all that you see to describe him or her.

A marriage relationship is only as intimate as the conversation you have. It’s the blood of the relationship. When you kill the conversation, you will kill the relationship. Even when you get married, this is important. Husbands and wives need to be careful about what they discuss on always. They should not always discuss about their children or others, but on each other; else they will grow knowing more about others and less of each other. You will grow discussing things around you and not things about each other because conversation and discussions help in harnessing growth. This is why in some homes, after the children have grown and gone to start their lives with their own families; the father and the mother live together as strangers. What they have in common is their children and these are no longer with them.

It is important to gain knowledge of the right things in relationship. Truth has a way of setting people free – whoever accepts it. Some people don’t want to know and accept truth, they end up in bondage. You hold yourself in bondage if you don’t want to know the truth. Knowing is like discovery. Discussion is like eating. You can eat for strength and you can eat for nourishment. When you are hungry, you can be nourished by eating a balanced diet. But, you can be strengthened by eating foods not necessarily a balanced diet. It is nourishment diet that gives growth not just a satisfactory diet. The same way, relevant questions nourishe your relationship and ensure proper marital growth.

When you want to marry someone, ask yourself do you know his or her real nature? “By their fruits you will know them.” When people talk, you get to know them for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. A man is as good as the kind of heart he or she has. This can easily be understood by engaging in relevant conversations or discussions. Then, you will be able to decide if you can go out with the person, if you can marry the person and if you can be proud to identify with the person.

Philippians 3:10 (Amplified)

If you are in a relationship, you need to ask yourself this, do I progressively become more deeply and intimately acquitted with my intended partner? Do I perceive and recognize to understand the wonders of him or her more clearly? Or I just know his or her body on the surface? When you know someone on the surface, after marriage, he or she will show his or her depth (characters) and you may eventually get drown in it. Better to know his or her depth and decide if you are willing and ready to go the depth. Ask yourself sincerely, can I go that deep with him or her? If you can’t, quickly exchange goodbyes and joyfully walk away.

Why do you need to know that person? Simply because every man us a product of influences. Every man is a product of the environment. You need to find out the things that have influenced him or her, because those things will come and influence you too in the long run. He or she will behave or treat you based on what has influenced him or her. If he or she grew up for instance often times saw his or her father beat the mother, he or she will think it is normal for a man to beat the wife. Chances are that he or she may end up indulging in the same act. You need to know enough so as to take a right decision.

A man that has not been influenced by God will influence you with whatever has influenced him or her. For every person, there are things he or she has dealt with in his or her life; are they family, personal, work, spiritual, cultural, financial issues, etc. There are things he or she is dealing with currently; perhaps he or she just lost his or her job. There are things he or she hasn’t dealt with; may be he or she has never suffered financial needs. May be he or she grew up in affluence. You need to know all these things. You need to know where and how he or she has been spending his or her vacations, holidays and summers so that after marriage it won’t be a difficult issue to treat. There are things (he or she isn’t willing to deal with) that will deal with him or her, because whatever you don’t deal with may eventually and perhaps brutally deal with you. Also, there are things that can’t deal with him or her. You need to know all these so as to make a right decision as to whether you are willing to cope and live with them for life. You also need to address some of these issues as soon as you get to know them. That is why you need to get to discuss issues as to resolve them while in relationship. You have to know which cross you need to carry and how heavy it is.

Before you choose whom to marry and before you actually say you have made a right choice, certain issues need to be resolved. Your decisions need to be tested. It must be subjected to examination and analysis to determine its genuineness, quality and alignment with the word of God. Questions need to be asked and information needs to be obtained. Responses also are to be understood as to enable an interpretation of the nature and significance of the facts that have been revealed. There must be a careful and deliberate search for truth. This has to be done prayerfully. Before you begin a courtship relationship, you need to approach it from a questioning perspective. There is a dire need to now. Information is a weapon and knowledge is power. Questions are interrogative expressions used to test the knowledge, intellectual and mental ability of each other.

Proverbs 2:10-13. You will gain right knowledge from questioning and save your life from evil partners with wrong intentions. Wisdom will protect you from evil people, from men with twisted words.

Proverbs 10:14. So, you can be a fool in your relationship when you start to babble; when you don’t seek for knowledge, you invite disaster. When you don’t seek to know and know the right thing (other than ephemerals) you invite disaster into your life.

Proverbs 11:9. The righteous need to seek for knowledge. Mike Murdock said, “There are two parts to Jesus. There is the person of Jesus and there are the principles of Jesus. The person of Jesus prepares you for eternity, but the principles of Jesus prepare you for the earth. Don’t say I am born-again therefore I don’t need knowledge. Get knowledge! Knowledge will rescue the righteous.

Proverbs 15:14. Don’t be a fool who feeds on trash. You become a fool in this wise if there is no information flow in your conversations (that is, lack of relevant information).

Proverbs 18:15. You need to be highly observant and distill knowledge. Sometimes knowledge comes and you don’t know. You need to open your heart and ears always. From your conversation, you will always retrieve information about him or her, about his or her attitudes.

Proverbs 19:2. Being enthusiastic about your intended partner without right knowledge about him or her is destructive. You can feel good always, compose poems for him ore her, yet in the long run, he or she may end up jilting you.

Proverbs 22:12. When you have knowledge of him or her, God will preserve you simply because you have knowledge.

Proverbs 23:12. You need to listen carefully to the words knowledge you get from the discussion in your relationship.

Proverbs 24:3-5. You want to build a healthy relationship and fill it with all sorts of good valuables, you need to gain knowledge.

About the questions you need to ask in a relationship, you need to know why you need to ask, how you need to ask, when you need to ask and what to ask. In some cases, you need to first ask yourself the questions. On what to ask, you need to ask about his or her past, present and future.

For example, imagine marrying someone and now in marriage having different opinion about the number of children you desire to raise.

Finally, just to remind you all that I have pointed out to you here; make sure you take time to discuss incisively before you knot the ties. I pray God will give you the needed grace and wisdom as to doing the right thing and making the right decisions.

God bless you.

You can post your comments or ask your questions below in the comment box. Looking forward to hearing from you.