SEXUAL PURITY

Tayo and Gloria started courting fifteen months ago; as Christians, they had decided to abstain from sex. Initially, the decision not to have sex was easy for them to stick to but as their relationship progressed and they bonded emotionally, the physical attraction between them also intensified. A lot of prolonged hugs and kisses soon ensued between them; the more these occurred, the further they went in their caresses. They progressed from touching and caressing each other through their clothes, to direct caresses on each other’s skins; a few times they even had skin on skin contact (partial nudity). One day, after an intense period of kissing, necking and petting, Tayo and Gloria wondered if what they were doing was wrong but they reasoned that since the Bible warned against pre-marital sex (fornication) and they had never actually had sex, then they had not sinned in expressing their passion for each other.

It is perfectly natural that as a couple court and become intellectually and emotionally intimate, they will also begin to desire sexual intimacy. This desire for sexual intimacy is not by itself, sinful; God made our bodies, he gave us our hormones and sexual drives for a purpose: bonding, pleasure and procreation within the context of marriage.

It might be impractical to say that singles have absolutely no form of physical contact and that is why hand holding, hugs and even pecks on the cheeks are not frowned upon but even so, courting singles must be on guard. With every form of physical contact, no matter how “innocent” it might seem, passions are being stirred and the danger of “wanting more” can arise.

It is therefore very important that courting couples set boundaries for themselves long before their hormones start raging. They have to decide early in their relationship, ways of expressing their love for each other that will not “push” them into sexual sin. If one of them is aroused by the other’s apparently innocent touch, both of them must back off immediately and acknowledge that that form of contact is forbidden between them.

Sexual purity (chastity) is non-negotiable for a Christian single and it goes beyond not having pre-marital sex. It involves avoiding anything, thoughts, words, or actions, which can create and seek to satisfy sexual desire.

“But don't think you've preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices — they also corrupt.” (Matthew 5:28 THE MESSAGE)

“God wants you to be holy and completely free from sexual immorality.” (1Thessalonians 4:3 TEV)

Christian singles must avoid any behaviour, no matter how harmless it may appear, that could lead to sexual sin. We need to understand that consensual sex does not just happen; it is the end-result of compromises that two people in a relationship or courtship habitually made.

Christians have to stop being legalistic about scriptures; while the Bible is only specific on fornication and does not mention kissing, necking (kissing on the neck) or petting (caressing each other with or without clothing), we all know that the fundamental way to avoid sin is to avoid anything that could lead to it! Indisputably, deep kissing, necking, caressing and other body sexual touches (other sexual, non-verbal communication) can lead to fornication. Take note please! They are examples of common sexual foreplay which the today, people have turned to norms in relationships.

Sexual foreplay involves actions that are meant to arouse and end in sexual intercourse. If Christian singles want to remain chaste and avoid fornication, then they must avoid foreplay. Behaviours such as passionate kisses, necking, petting and lying on top of each other, whether or not they are fully clothed, are all forms of sexual foreplay and are absolutely wrong. Sexual foreplay is only meant for couples in marriage who want to have sexual intercourse (because God only made sex for marriage) for sexual arousal.

Therefore, in marriage for married couples, sexual foreplay is godly and is an act of love. Consequently, for people in relationship or courtship, sexual foreplay is an act of lust not love. NOTE PLEASE!

Contrary to their own analysis, Tayo and Gloria are no longer expressing love but lustful desire for each other and they are engaging in sexual sin. They must put a stop to their actions immediately. The fact that they had to wonder on the “rightness” of their actions means that somewhere deep within, there is a voice of caution (Holy Spirit who is reproving and correcting them) and they need to heed lest they sear their consciences.

When singles choose to fantasize about sex and engage in foreplay, they shouldn't be surprised when they end up having sex, because that is simply the natural progression of their thoughts and actions.

Of a truth, sexual foreplay is an attitude or act we learnt to become somewhat a relationship norm from the western culture, perhaps through the media (Hollywood, Magazines or internet surfing). Western culture should not determine our attitudes in life, only the effective, infallible Word of God should do. Out of every 10 singles you find in the western world (e.g. U.S.) in a dating relationship or courting, 7 of them usually end up having sex before marriage (if at all it leads to marriage; nonetheless, increases the chances of divorce). This is because they usually engage in sexual foreplays beside other prominent sexual abuses that are rampant among them. Also, the more reason for increasing rate of divorce, single parenthood, adultery (and other forms of marital infidelity) in the western world.

God is not mean; He would not tell us to abstain from sexual immorality if it were impossible to and neither is it His intention to deny us pleasure. He only reserves such pleasures for us in marriage not otherwise. He has gotten other kind of pleasures for us as singles; we only need to discover and maximize them now that we are singles to enjoy. 1Timothy 6:17c. You can read the message in this blog below on “HOW TO ENJOY LIFE AS A SINGLE”.

In obeying Him, we are protected from harm and do not have to worry about late periods, venereal diseases, and other emotional and psychological consequences of premarital sex. We learn the virtue of self-control and are empowered to build strong relationships and marriages.

It is never too late to make a decision for sexual purity. If you have lost your virginity or perhaps you are in a relationship or courtship and like Tayo and Gloria you were involved in sexual sin (sexual foreplays), you can start over today. The first step is to acknowledge your sin, repent and ask for forgiveness.

“But if we confess our sins to him, he can be depended on to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong. [And it is perfectly proper for God to do this for us because Christ died to wash away our sins.]” (1John 1:9-10 TLB)

Then, do away with everything that will remind you of those sinful acts like sexual films, pornographic magazines or online (internet) pornography.

You will also need to take the following steps:

If you are on a date or in a relationship/courtship, guard against spending much time alone or staying together late in the evening in the dark or alone. Go on group dates, visit public places and define your boundaries. Also when on dates, give more attention to talking rather than touching. In dating relationship or courtship, the mouth is intrinsically for talking and discussing, not for deep kissing.
Be cautious of the company you keep; avoid people who will not encourage your decision to walk in sexual purity. It is also advisable that you find someone that you can be accountable to concerning your relationship. He/she must also be committed to sexual purity and willing to pray for and with you.
Do not expose yourself to places, things or any form of entertainment that will weaken your decision to be chaste. Today, many secular books, magazines, films, songs, etc have sexual undertones; it is your responsibility to guard your heart against their offenses and the best kind of defense here is to flee. Desist from indulging in using them. “What you refuse to decide on now will in the long run decide on you.”

Whenever you sense yourself giving in to sexual pressure, don’t hang around to pray, cast out a devil or “take your stand in Christ”, FLEE from the situation.

Most important of all, PRAY. 1Thessalonians 5:17. By this practice, you will receive daily grace from God. Never assume that you can overcome sexual sin in your power; only by the grace of God. Commit every aspect of your relationship to God on a daily basis and also pray before and after every date.

THE POWER OF COMPLIMENT

Have you noticed that sometimes, "ordinary" looking people seem to have no problem with getting into a relationship or making good friends?

Have you observed that customers would rather join a longer queue waiting to be served by a particular co-worker than by others with short queues?

Has it come to your attention that your staffs prefer to work with a particular team leader than with others?

If you answer “yes” to at least one of these questions above, you just might discover, after asking around, that their secret is an unwavering habit of paying compliments to people.

A compliment is an admiring comment, a kind remark about someone else. It shows that you are paying attention to and appreciate the person you are talking to. The power or value of a sincere compliment is not seen as its size (number of words spoken), but in its effect on both the receiver and the giver.

An admiring comment is beneficial to both the giver and the receiver; it induces positive responsive emotions in the receiver which then bounces back to the giver in form of an irresistible, infectious smile or a returned and reciprocated compliment. It creates an affectionate connection between the giver and the receiver thereby strengthening their relationship and enhancing intimacy or unavoidable closeness.

Is your marriage losing its closeness? Have you found that your relationships, courtship or marriage lack a “certain quality” that you desire? You may need to check your “compliment-o-meter”.

Take the time to look for truly endearing or commendable qualities in your spouse, children, parents, siblings, friends, etc; and then tell them about it. It shows that you hold them in high esteem and it will lift their spirits

Compliment must be giving with all sincerity. It is an attitude of love; the more reason it must be giving with all sincerity, because love is sincere. 1Corinthians 13:4-8a.
A compliment contains immense, immeasurable power. It has the power to brighten an otherwise bad day, enhance closeness in a relationship and break the ice when meeting someone for the first time. You simply cannot lose with compliments; the more you give, the more you will receive.

Tips On Giving Compliments
Always remember that compliment is all about the other person. Comment on their admirable quality and not your impression of that quality. e.g. “You have a wonderful voice” rather than “I think your singing was great” or “You look great in that dress” rather than “I like that dress” or “I enjoyed this delicacy so much, it’s with a sweet sensation because you are a great cook” rather than “Your food is sweet, hmm m m”.
When paying a compliment, keep eye contact with the person and please, smile! Eye contact implies that you are sincere about what you are saying and not just “buttering up” the person.
Don't limit your compliments to people’s physical appearances. We are all more than just our looks; if you make the effort, you will find something good about their personalities. Though compliments help to create a bond between people, do not make them too personal unless you know the person very well.
Pay sincere compliments! When you give genuine compliments, you will be seen as someone who cares about others and their achievements, and not just your own. Giving sincere praise is an act of kindness, and kindness is an attitude of love. 1Corinthians 13:4a. Thereby, you earn and build trust which is an indispensable pillar of any meaningful relationship. Trust is earned, not giving. A compliment followed up with a criticism smacks of insincerity and envy; and may finally end up in distrust.
Don't compliment a person too often; it can be irritating and also gives the impression that you want something from him/her.
Compliments given in order to manipulate or take advantage of others are usually obvious and are always turn-offs.

In the work place, paying compliments can be delicate but as long as the compliments are limited to achievements on-the-job and do not extend to personal appearances, it is acceptable. Wisdom is profitable to direct in all things.

When a manager or team leader compliments someone, it encourages him/her, builds goodwill, often fosters a willingness to go the extra mile and enhance good work-relationship. Colleagues can make their work environment more conducive by complimenting each other; a simple “you make my work easier and I appreciate you” or “thank you so much for the assistance” can result into improved productivity.

Tips On Receiving Compliments
Many people do not know how to receive compliments. This could be due to the fact that they do not receive compliments often and so do not know how to gracefully accept them, they are shy about receiving compliments or the do not give/pay compliments to others. Thus, their response is to either brush the compliment aside or put themselves down; this is wrong.

When someone pays you a compliment, the proper response is to show appreciation for their kind words with a smile (avoid a grin, it may imply deceit) and a simple “Thank you” or “It’s my pleasure” or “Huh, it’s kind of you”. These are few examples of words of sincere acceptance.

The truth is that it is pleasant to know that you are appreciated but if you keep rejecting them, people will stop complimenting you. A gracious acceptance of compliments does not make you immodest.

In the business world, it is good business etiquette to respond by giving a compliment in return when someone gives you a compliment.

Whether it is to enhance your marriage, relationships or business, compliments have an undisputable, indomitable force which can help you to achieve your goal, even faster or quicker than ever envisaged. Why don’t you give a trial today and see the difference it will make in your relationships, courtship or marriage.

TOUCH OF TRUTH

Ejiro is the second of her parents’ three children and the only female; from an affluent family, she had her secondary and university education in Canada and on completion of her education, Ejiro stayed back in Canada to work. Ten years later, Ejiro was a successful legal practitioner and still single. Though she had been in a number of relationships over the years, none had led to marriage and quite frankly, her singleness no longer bothered her; she wanted to get married but if it did not happen, she was okay. However, her family was not happy about her attitude; they felt that her attitude was a product of the “foreign” country she lived in and so her parents began pressurizing her to come back to Nigeria and “settle down”. They wore down her resistance and Ejiro returned home five years ago.

A year after her return, Ejiro met Korede at a dinner party hosted at a European Embassy. They became friends and shortly afterwards, Korede asked Ejiro to be his girlfriend. She really liked him but she decided to seek the opinion of a few friends before agreeing to his proposition as she had been in the country for just a short while and was not sure of his reputation. Her friends told her that Korede was a “good catch” and that she should not let him get away; they had asked around about him and the general consensus was that Korede was a good man though according to some of his ex-girlfriends, he was sometimes eccentric. Finally, when nobody raised any red flags, Ejiro said yes to Korede and they began a relationship. Ejiro’s parents were delighted at the development. In the course of their courtship, Ejiro noticed that Korede kept several medicines in his bathroom cabinet; when she asked him about it, he said that he had high blood pressure and needed to take some pills daily to control the ailment. This was no big deal to Ejiro and she even began making adjustments to their diet so as to reduce food items that could raise his blood pressure. Two years after they first met, Ejiro and Korede got married.

Just over a year into their marriage, Korede began showing signs of possessiveness over Ejiro; he got jealous if he saw her speaking to another man and also called her on the phone several times a day to check up on her movements. At first, Ejiro was flattered by his behaviour but as it became a constant part of their lives, Ejiro became upset. She told Korede that she wasn’t interested in any other man and tried her best to more careful about relating to members of the opposite sex but the more she tried, the more suspicious he became. It got so bad that she had to stop some of her friends from visiting her home as Korede believed they were the ones “leading her astray” but all her efforts to assure him of her fidelity and commitment to their marriage failed. Ejiro practically cut off all other relationships in her life before Korede eased up on her.

Shortly after their relationship picked up, Ejiro became pregnant. They were quite happy about this and began making preparations for the baby’s arrival. In the fourth month of the pregnancy, Korede began having mood swings; this was totally unexpected and caught Ejiro unawares. One minute, Korede was happy about the baby, the next he denied responsibility for the pregnancy and accused her of being unfaithful to him, and within the twinkle of an eye, he would burst into tears and beg Ejiro to forgive him for the accusations. Ejiro was at a loss as to how to deal with Korede and she became worried that he might somehow harm her; as it was, she was not getting much needed rest and sleep and was losing weight. By the time Ejiro was six months pregnant, it was clear that she was emotionally and physically stressed so the doctor put her on bed rest; her mother then moved in with her so as to take care of and help her around the house.

It was not long before Ejiro’s mother noticed that things were strained between Ejiro and Korede but she did not say anything as she did not want to pry into her daughter’s marital affairs. Things came to a head one morning when Korede accused his mother-in-law of being a witch and of trying to turn his wife against him; Ejiro’s mother was alarmed by Korede’s accusations and she told her daughter that she was returning to her own home. At that point, Ejiro told her mother about how Korede had changed over the past months, she said that she was growing afraid of him and did not want to be left alone with him. Naturally, Ejiro’s mother grew worried so she decided to continue her visit but she reported everything that happened to her husband and Ejiro’s brothers; the family decided to keep close tabs on Ejiro and her mother. Over the next few days following that incident, Korede’s mood swings became more intense but he soon appeared to calm down. Though the situation in the home improved, Ejiro and her mother were still uncomfortable with Korede’s behaviour and they found it hard to put their guard down around him.

One morning, Ejiro woke up to the sound of Korede’s weeping. All efforts by Ejiro and her mother to calm him down and uncover the reason for his crying failed; after almost an hour of non-stop crying, Ejiro called one of Korede’s brothers reported the issue to him and asked him to come over. In short time, Korede’s brother and one of his sisters arrived with an elderly man who they introduced as their family doctor. They followed Ejiro into the bedroom where Korede was still crying and the doctor gave him a sedative; almost immediately, he drifted off into a deep sleep and they all went to the sitting room.

As they sat down, the doctor said it was clear that Korede had been off his medication for several weeks and needed to be admitted into the psychiatric hospital as soon as possible. It was then that Ejiro got to know that Korede had a mental condition for which he had to take some pills every day; the pills that Ejiro thought were to control Korede’s blood pressure were actually to prevent him from becoming manic. Ejiro learnt that Korede had never liked being so dependent on drugs and several times in the past, he had gone off his medication, resulting in his hospitalization. Korede’s doctor and siblings were shocked to know that he had kept his condition a secret from Ejiro. Korede was hospitalized and his family tended him because Ejiro’s condition and the prescribed bed-rest prevented her from caring for her husband. Korede was discharged and became an outpatient a few days before Ejiro gave birth to their daughter.

A month later, after much unease, Korede broke the ice by apologizing to Ejiro and asking for forgiveness. He said he had kept his illness a secret from her because it had been the reason for many ladies breaking up with him in the past. That day, Ejiro and Korede had a long discussion and at the end they resolved to stay together; they also went to see both sets of parents and told them of their decision. It was decided that with professional counselling as well as Ejiro’s loving care, Korede would find it easier to stay on his medication; their families also promised to give needed emotional support.

Comments

Life is about relationships. It is a fact of life that we are daily building, sustaining or letting go of some relationships we have and our choices of which relationships to build, sustain or break off determine our success or failure in life. For a relationship to be successful it must have a purpose and all the persons involved in it must truly desire it. No relationship is “just there”; every marriage, friendship, business partnership, mentorship etc should be for a purpose otherwise the relationship will eventually collapse and it would all have been a waste of time. Also, it is a fact that you cannot always be the initiator of every relationship in your life, sometimes others will initiate the relationship; this means that you have the privilege of either allowing or not allowing it to develop and your choice should be based on primarily on information, not emotions. This is particularly true of marriage.

The period of courtship is the “information gathering” stage of the relationship and the choice of whether or not to get married should be based on the information gathered and not just your emotions. It is indeed commendable that Ejiro asked around about Korede before agreeing to date him but obviously she either did not ask the right questions or she did not ask the right persons about him hence her ignorance about his illness. It’s not just about asking questions, but asking the right questions (we encourage you to buy Pastor Bimbo’s book “How To Choose a Life Partner, 165 Questions To Ask). How do you know the right questions to ask, pray; tell God to show you things that you ordinarily would not see by yourself. Don’t be fooled by how “smart” people say you are, involve God in your decision making; you would be surprised the kind of things that God will either open your eyes to see or cause people to reveal to you.

Korede really liked Ejiro but past experiences had taught him that revealing his illness could cause her to break up with him so he decided not to tell her the truth about the medicines in his cabinet. He knew what he wanted and he did all within his power to get her. It was Ejiro’s responsibility to find out about Korede; during their two years of dating, she never once picked up one of the bottles to read its name, much less what it was for. Please note that when a man or woman wants you, he or she will tell you whatever you like to hear just so as to become a part of your life; it is your responsibility to guard your heart.

If you discover something you do not like during your courtship, you can choose to either break up the relationship or continue if you believe you can either live with it or the person you are courting is willing to work on that weakness. However, if like Ejiro, you only find out after marriage, divorce should not necessarily be your next option. It is a proven fact that there are many things we think that we cannot live with yet we can. If like Ejiro, you find that your spouse has a mental illness, your first thought should not be divorce but how you can help him/her. Visit his/her doctor, get online, find out all you can about the illness and how it can be managed; marriage is not about your convenience, it is a covenant relationship you vowed to stay in for better, for worse. That is why it is important to do all necessary things before you say “I DO” so that you won’t have to say later “WHAT HAVE I DONE?” It is a good thing that Ejiro decided to stay in the marriage but the truth is that Korede was wrong to have deceived her. If you love a person enough to marry him/her then you should trust him/her enough to reveal your true self to the person during courtship. If knowing your weaknesses or area of challenges will cause the person you are courting to leave you, then he/she was not meant for you and will probably still leave after marrying you; lying just postpones the day of reckoning. Sincerity, trust and truthfulness are indispensable pillars of a meaningful and healthy relationship and marriage.

If your spouse has reproductive problems, start thinking of adoption. Does he/she have a child outside marriage? Let him/her be responsible for the child’s upkeep; if you can, bring the child into your home. There are many issues that can crop up in a marriage and it is true that some of them can be very painful, but I encourage you not to take any decisions in the heat of the moment. Give it time, pray, seek godly counsel from godly people whose wisdom have been proven in times past, before you do anything. Your case need not end up in a divorce court; like Ejiro you can produce a testimony from your test. God bless you.

IF THIS ARTICLE TOUCHED YOUR HEART, YOU MIGHT WANT TO TALK TO ANY OF OUR PBO FOUNDATION COUNSELLORS BY CONTACTING The Fountain of Life Church on 01-8980183/5 or 08035800201. E-mail: pastor@tfolc.org
You may also visit our website at www.tfolc.org